| October 17, 2003 - Eat right or I'll bitch-slap you! |
| Dear Friends, before I tell you about something really gross that I witnessed, I just want to say that not very many people have read my words to live by. Therefore I'm putting a link to them here. Read them in order to make your own lives more fantabulous. Anyway, my dears, last Sunday I went out for my traditional Drunken Brunch Sunday with a juicey chunk of cowmeat and you would not believe what I saw. I was sitting catty-cornered to this guy who had the worst table manners I've ever seen in my life in anyone older than a toddler! I realized as soon as I saw him that I had also watched his grossities the previous Sunday. Now I'm almost afraid to go to my House of Juicey Cowmeat this Sunday for fear that I'll have to watch him again. First of all, he held his fork like a shovel and shoved massive amounts of food in his mouth like he was excavating for a dam. He had some piece of chicken that he held down with his knife and then clawed big chunks off of it with his fork. Occasionally he would take a forkful of chicken and slam it down into a little container of ranch dressing. Now here's the kicker. Periodically, he would take his index finger and drag it through any juices or dressing that was on his plate and then proceed to noisely lick not just his index finger, but all ten fingers! This wasn't a delicate lick either; he put each finger in his mouth as far as it would go and then slurped the length of it! Luckily my food hadn't arrived yet, so I didn't feel as ill as I might have done. But I felt really bad for these two guys who were sitting beside him. At first they didn't notice him, but when his slurpy finger licking started, they both glanced at him with these odd expressions on their faces. At that point I started laughing. Not out loud, mind you, but I could feel the booth I was sitting in shaking from my convulsive quiet giggling. Now get this. After he had eaten everything on his plate and dredged up every crumb and juice droplet with his fingers and then licked each finger individually like some fastidious half-man half-cat creature, he picked up any crumbs he had dropped on his chair and ate those as well! Now, of course, the crumbs might have fallen into a napkin (I couldn't see his lap), but I would think that anyone who licks his fingers like that probably doesn't think to put a napkin in his lap. Now, Dear Friends, this guy was at least 55 years old! I can't imagine someone from that generation having such atrocious manners! Why JOHNNYLEEN's parents would have bitch-slapped him through a wall if he had eaten like that around our ample and wholesome Southern smorgasbord! Lordie! What made the whole affair worse was that everyone was so busy looking at him, that they didn't notice me....and I looked fantabulous! On another negative note, that awful band, Tangent, is playing at Ye Olde Watering Hole Saturday night. You'll remember I wrote about them in an entry on my Important Matters page. Click here if you haven't read it yet. Well, that just beats all! I really don't want to go there and pay a $7 cover charge to hear a singer who can't stay in key. On the other hand, if I go, I'll be able to write all about it and we can all make fun of the band together! Next entry Previous entry Go to diary entries Go back home |