LAST WILL
An old man on his deathbed implored his wife,
"When I am gone I want you to marry Fred Uhland."
"Why Fred Uhland?" his wife asked. "You have hated him all of your life!"
"Still do," gasped the old man.
***
Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this morning shortly after take-off. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect the death toll to climb as the digging continues into the night.
***
A traveling salesman finds himself stranded in the tiniest town in Australia.
He knocks on the door of a little hotel.
"Sorry, we don't have a spare room," says the manager, "but you're welcome to share with a little red-headed schoolteacher, if that's okay."
"Oh, that'll be great," says the salesman, grinning from ear to ear. "And don't worry, I'll be a real gentleman."
"Just as well," says the manager. "So will the little red-headed schoolteacher."
***
It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor." Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
Explain that statement!" Demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman,
So I showed her."
***
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane.
The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
***
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"
The boy replied,
"Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts."
