During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much
about the game as they do, and they're really impressed.
After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.
"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your balls?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
***
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
***
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out quite late. The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to
meet some very important business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively.
She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.
She moved forward and whispered in his ear, "Take off my dress. Now take off my bra. Now remove my shoes and stockings. Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted,
"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"
***
Only in America...
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America...do banks leave safe doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America..do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering..
11. Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
***
An old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.
He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog: "I'm a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.
Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked: "What, you're not going to kiss me?"
"Nope," replied the old man. "At my age it's more fun to have a talking frog than a sex maniac."
***
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.
The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"
***
Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.
***
You know you've been out of college too long when...
Your potted plants stay alive.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "Pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni & Cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.
"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.
