Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say
I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
I understand.
This movie has too much nudity.
Damn, we're late for church.
No! I don't want to see your sister's tits.
Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
No way! you weeded the garden last week, it's my turn.
Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed.
Maybe I should tell her.
***
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
"The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
***
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language.
The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.
The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.
The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said,
"If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
***
Dictionary of Computer Terms
1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotta.
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood.
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove.
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck.
5. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood.
6. Ram - The thing that split that firewood.
7. Hard drive - Getting home in the winta.
8. Prompt - What the mail ain't during the winta.
9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside.
10. Screen - What to shut during black fly season.
11. Screen saver - Duct tape for the torn window screen.
12. Byte - What the black flies do.
13. Bit - What the black flies did.
14. Megabyte-What the BIG black flies do during trout season.
15. Chip - Munchies for TV.
16. Microchip - The crumbs in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
17. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway.
18. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife.
19. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out.
20. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds.
21. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery.
22. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box.
23. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully.
24. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes.
25. Web - What a spida makes.
26. Web site - What's found in the corners of high ceilings.
27. Cursor - Someone who swears.
28. Search engine - What you do when the caar dies.
29. Home page - Map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods.
30. Upgrade - Steep hill.
31. Server - Waitress.
32. Mail server - Male waitress, damn few in Maine.
33. Sound card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it.
34. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff.
35. Browser - A problem moose in the garden or blueberry patch.
36. Network - Mending holes in the fishnet.
37. Internet - Complicated fishnet repair method.
38. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network.
39. Online - Good sign there'll be clean clothes this week.
40. Offline - The clothespins let go and the laundry falls to the ground.
