Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away.
Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend.
"This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are,
who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
***
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river. " Poof ! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. SHE looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
***
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that its OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
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(Are you ready?????) (Don't be mad if you didn't see it coming...)
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The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
***
Q: What do you call a retard with a hard-on?
A: A slow poke
