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| Unwritten letter The days past on and my love for you grew stronger each day. There was this day when the school was open to the public where we had said to meet. It was a sunday and the weather was nice. We had fun and talked a long time. I'll never forget the goodbye that day. We didn't seem to be able to say goodbye. We just stood there in the park holding eachother. You were very late but it was impossible to leave eachother. I felt so close to you, maybe that was the closest we would ever get... Then came the time where I think, I lost you. It was an extra long weekend and I heard from you that a friend had died. I remember that I was shocked and that I felt really sorry for you. But it was in vain. You started to get suicidal again, mourning for the loss of a friends life. You were saying goodbye to everyone and started collecting all your poems. I still have the mail in which you said it wasn't so bad for me if you took your own life. That you would always be with me in spirit when you would be dead. I felt so bad that moment. It felt like you denied that you loved me. That I couldn't stop you, no matter what... Luckely I saw you in school where we had a serious talk about it. I remember how I looked right into your face with tears running from my face. I did everything to stop you. With the help of your friends you were able to become more happy. That changed your mind. I told you that if you weren't gonna commit suicide that I would make t worth for you. Unfortunately I would never have the chance. The following weeks passed very fast and before I realized it, I was struck with the most painfull and powerfull weapon in the world. The first week everything seemed to be alright. Everything was back to normal. But then your interest in me began to weaken. I didn't want to believe it so I closed my eyes and told myself that everything was fine. But unfortunately the last week came. You started to get off of your bus on another stop so I couldn't see you in the morning anymore. When I came to see you, you were always busy with your friends instead of me. I felt alone and abandoned and even a little bit misunderstood. But I would keep repeat that everything was alright. Then in the weekend in the middle of the exams I received a mail from you that was quite violating. I was shocked to receive it from the one that I thought that she loved me. The next day I was pretty angry with you , and I was about to tell you when you said taht you had to tell me something. At first I said ok and asked what you wanted to say. But as you continued to repeat the word "hell" I became frightened. I lost all feeling in my body, it felt like I was about to pass out. Then you told me that the last week you felt better with your friends. You couldn't say it to me. But when I asked you what you really wanted to say you just said it. "I don't love you anymore.", I collapsed. Couldn't believe it happened to me again. I didn't know what to say. Something deep inside me told me that I couldn't feel too much, that I had to accept it because of the remaining exams. So I did accept it, I assured you that I wasn't hurt too much. But I couldn't lie to myself, I had died. Completely bled out and powerless. And nobody who knew say it, nog even you. I somehow managed to pass all exams without any major problems. Then i had more time to think about all of this. There hasn't been a day that I didn't think of you. Sometimes I still wake up from a dream with you in it. It might seem weird but I have never stopped loving you, not a single moment. That scares me because I know that I'll be hurt even more as time goes on. I asked myself why. If there was someone else or another reason that would give me a better sight on the situation. I wondered if you liked it better to be with your friends that it would mean that you couldn't love me and also have fun with your friends. At last I received the mail in which your reason was clearly explained. You just didn't love me no more, you really loved me in the beginning but as thime went by you noticed that you couldn't fullfil your promises to me. You stopped loving me and leftme to die alone. Once again I was hurt by the one that I loved The most The pain is incredible and I have no more feelings. I don't care about anything anymore. Because it is over and things will never be the same again. 10/07/01 (00.40hours) Jonathan Serru |
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