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| Doubtful mind I�ve been thinking tonight. Not really an remarquable event but important enough to write down. Well important enough to me that is. It�s one of those things that doesn�t make me feel good and the more I think about it the worse that feeling becomes. It all started tonight when I had a little chat with a pall of mine. We both have one thing in common, we know this one girl and she�s special to both of us. Special in another way for both of us. He sees her as his best friend and cares very much about her, he wouldn�t want anything bad happen to her. On the other hand, I love her. Not as a friend or someone I know but really like someone I would love forever. My love for her was, and still is, unconditional. I know that it�s something dangerous to say but it�s really like that. There�s no other person I love or have loved as much as her. I�ve known her for quite awhile and in that period we�ve been through a lot of shit. Every time when she was down or if she was in trouble, I have been there for her. I told her that everything was gonna be ok that I would always be there when she needed me. That I love her. Pulled her from the hell she got into and brought her back to this life. A life in which I wanna function as her loved one. The one guy for her which wants to share everything with her. I still wanna be all of that but I have experienced nothing but obstacles in my way. The first one was herself, she had to realize that I was there for her and ready to make every necessary sacrifice. Then I got across her friends which absolutely dislike me and want to tear her away from me. Every time I�m with her when her friends are around it�s like I�m being ignored and every time when I�m gone they ask why she talked so much with me. Even thought I barely got the chance to say anything. Another problem is the distance between us. We life too far away from each other to say that we�ll just come together when we want to. Another distance represents the schools we each got to, she�s still in high school while I�m studying at the university. Every single day we go to our lessons in two different cities about 30 kilometres away from each other. We could still meet when we would arrange something but her parents can�t know that I exist. Even when I think of a good excuse it�s not sure if she will be able or wanting to come. I think the distance is the worst problem of all. I barely get to see her. If I�m lucky, once in 2 months is a lot. And even when we talk to each other over the internet it looks too superficial. She�s always busy with five other people so you can�t have a decent conversation. Nowadays I have the feeling that I know almost nothing about her. Everything I hear comes from someone else. I don�t get any mails anymore and if I do get one it�s not longer than 10 sentences. When something�s wrong she�ll mention the problem itself but she won�t talk about it. I miss talking with her about everything. There was a time when I told her everything what was on my mind and she also told me a lot of things but it seems that�s all fading away and I don�t want that. Despite of all that I still love her because I know she�s worth it. There were far more and worse problems than the ones mentioned but the ones mentioned are kinda the most important. So you see I have been thinking about the past and I also wanted to take a look into the future for me and her but I wasn�t sure what to expect. If it were up to me, we would both finally be happy together without any major problems. But it�s not my call. And that�s what I realized today. That pall of mine told me that she had told him that she doesn�t love me all the time. She told him that there where specific moments that she loves me. I swear, it felt like my heart broke again and my soul had been smashed against the wall. I didn�t want to believe it, I just started crying. I felt like I was being abused by her, that I was only useful when she needed me. But still deep down I tried to convince myself that it wasn�t true. I wanted to believe that she loves me no matter what. But because of the lack of communication the seed of doubt spreads quickly. I was starting to think about all the possible times where there could have been signs of her not loving me. I found that there were some times when she loved me much more than other times. I also thought about the times when she asked me to stop loving her. All the times when it looked like she didn�t really love me seemed to prove that my pall was right. Now this why I wrote these thoughts down. I know that the girl who I talked about knows that it�s all about her. And I want to ask her if he�s right. If I�m only something that comes in handy when the time has come. Deep down I don�t believe the guy, but as I said: the seeds of doubt have been spread. I know that I still love her but I really need to know. The way things are going is not healthy. My mind is falling apart and everyone seems like falling away from me. I feel so empty and yet there�s this chaotic feeling that storms in me. I don�t wanna be a puppet in the game of someone else�s hands. I just wanna live my life and love her while she truly loves me. I�ve lost so much already. I can�t lose her too. That�s what has been bothering me. You might say that it�s just nothing, that I should move on with my life. That�s something that is impossible for me because of my unconditional love for her. Even now some of you won�t get it but maybe if you�ll find the one for you, you might just get what I�m talking about here. I feel really down now and it�s all the fault of this thinking about one sentence someone said. This is really fucked up� jOhNduDe 11-03-�02 02:13 am |
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