Customer (John): Hello, I
would like to buy a fish license, please.
Shopkeeper (Michael): A
what?
C: A license for my pet
fish, Eric.
S: How did you know my name
was Eric?
C: No no no, my fish's name
is Eric, Eric the fish. He's an halibut.
S: What?
C: He is...an...halibut.
S: You've got a pet halibut?
C: Yes. I chose him out of
thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat.
S: You must be a loony.
C: I am not a loony! Why
should I be tied with the epithet loony merely because I have a pet halibut?
I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabardo has a pet prawn called Simon and you
wouldn't call him a looney; furthermore, Dawn Pailthorpe, the lady show-jumper,
had a clam, called Stafford, after the late Chancellor, Allan Bullock has two
pikes, both called Chris, and Marcel Proust had an haddock! So, if you're
calling the author of 'A la recherche du temps perdu' a loony, I shall have to
ask you to step outside!
S: Alright, alright,
alright. A license.
C: Yes.
S: For a fish.
C: Yes.
S: You are a loony.
C: Look, it's a bleeding
pet, isn't it? I've got a license for me pet dog Eric, and I've got a license
for me pet cat Eric...
S: You don't need a license
for your cat.
C: I bleeding well do and I
got one. He can't be called Eric without it--
S: There's no such thing as
a bloody cat license.
C: Yes there is!
S: Isn't!
C: Is!
S: Isn't!
C: I bleeding got one, look!
What's that then?
S: This is a dog license
with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in in crayon.
C: The man didn't have the
right form.
S: What man?
C: The man from the cat
detector van.
S: The loony detector van,
you mean.
C: Look, it's people like
you what cause unrest.
S: What cat detector van?
C: The cat detector van from
the Ministry of Housinge.
S: Housinge?
C: It was spelt like that on
the van. I'm very observant!. I never seen so many bleeding aerials. The man
said that their equipment could pinpoint a purr at four hundred yards! And
Eric, being such a happy cat, was a piece of cake.
S: How much did you pay for
this?
C: Sixty quid, and eight for
the fruit-bat.
S: What fruit-bat?
C: Eric the fruit-bat.
S: Are all your pets called
Eric?
C: There's nothing so odd
about that: Kemal Ataturk had an entire menagerie called Abdul!
S: No he didn't!
C: Did!
S: Didn't!
C: Did, did, did, did, did
and did!
S: Oh, all right.
C: Spoken like a gentleman,
sir. Now, are you going to give me a fish license?
S: I promise you that there
is no such thing. You don't need one.
C: In that case, give me a
bee license.
S: A license for your pet
bee?
C: Yes.
S: Called Eric? Eric the
Bee?
C: No.
S: No?
C: No, Eric the Half-Bee. He
had an accident.
S: You're off your chump.
C: Look, if you intend by
that utilization of an obscure colloquialism to imply that my sanity is not up
to scratch, or indeed to deny the semi-existence of my little chum Eric the
Half-Bee, I shall have to ask you to listen to this! Take it away, Eric the
orchestra leader!.......
A one... two.... A one..
two.. three...four...
[piano intro]
(Continues with the “Eric the Half a
Bee” song)
(Or the original version
from the episode continues with John demanding a signed paper from the Mayor,
and then proceeding to this next
sketch…)