Bruces Sketch

 

 

Second Bruce (Graham): G'day, Bruce!

 

First Bruce (Eric): Oh, Hello Bruce!

 

Third Bruce (Michael): How are you Bruce?

 

First Bruce: A bit crook, Bruce.

 

Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?

 

First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.

 

Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.

 

First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!

 

Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.

 

First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. 'It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty,' he said and she smiled quietly to herself.

 

Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.

 

Second Bruce: Here! Here comes the boss-fellow now! - how are you Bruce?

 

(Enter fourth Bruce with Michael Baldwin, and English person)

 

Fourth Bruce (John): 'Ow are you, Bruce?

 

First Bruce: G'day Bruce!

 

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

 

Second Bruce: Hello Bruce.

 

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

 

Third Bruce: How are you, Bruce?

 

Fourth Bruce: G'day Bruce.

 

Fourth Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from Pommeyland who is joinin' us this year in the philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo.

 

Everybruce: G'day!

 

Michael (Terry J): Hello.

 

Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.

 

First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?

 

Michael: No, it's Michael.

 

Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.

 

Third Bruce: Mind if we call you 'Bruce' to keep it clear?

 

Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.

 

First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!

 

Everybruce: Amen!

 

Fourth Bruce: Crack tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.

 

Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.

 

Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

 

Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism, and is also in charge of the sheep dip.

 

Third Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach?

 

Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benet.

 

Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!

 

Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!

 

Third Bruce: Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!

 

Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you! Amen.  

 

Fourth Bruce: Another tube! (Sound of cans opening) Any questions?

 

Second Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Pooftah?

 

Fourth Bruce: Are you a Pooftah?

 

Michael: No!

 

Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!

 

Everybruce: No Pooftahs!

 

Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching...... Rule Three?

 

Everybruce: No Pooftahs!!

 

Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking..... Rule Five,

 

Everybruce: No Pooftahs!

 

Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six!... Rule Seven,

 

Everybruce: No Pooftahs!!

 

Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.

 

First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

 

Everybruce: Amen!

 

(The album version continues with the Bruces’s Philosophers Song, the TV version continues as follows)

 

First Bruce: Right, let's get some Sheilas.

 

(An Aborigine bunts in with an enormous tray full of enormous steaks.)

 

Fourth Bruce: OK.

 

Second Bruce: Ah, elevenses.

 

Third Bruce: This should tide us over 'til lunchtime.

 

Second Bruce: Reckon so, Bruce.

 

(Cut to dramatic close-up of Fourth Bruce's ear. Hold close-up. The superimposed arrow pointing to the ear.)

 

Voice Over: Number nine. The ear.