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The One Where All The Bad Stuff Happens (Part III)
by Jennifer Johnson
FADE IN:
It's been almost three years. Ross is still in his coma.
Rachel hasn't left his side. She doesn't sleep; she hardly
even eats. The prosecutor is working on his case against
Mark, but he doesn't want to bring any charges against
him until something further happens with Ross. He's
hoping for murder. But if nothing happens in a few more
months, the prosecutor will have to settle for rape and
assault. (After the three year and a day mark in a coma case,
if charges haven't been brought up, the suspect can go free.)
Monica has been to the OB/GYN. He said that her
miscarriage had caused an infection in her ovaries and
that they needed to be removed. So Monica went in for a
second opinion. And a third. And a fourth. They all said the
same thing. And of course, after the surgery, Monica can't
have children. She has been spending a lot of time with
her nephew Ben.Chandler has been nothing but supportive,
but somehow, Monica still senses a rift growing between
them as they approach their wedding day.
Phoebe and Joey haven't talked to each other since that
night, which makes it hard for everybody. Phoebe's so
depressed that she's pretty much given up on Smelly Cat.
She was really hurt when he turned her down, especially
since she loved him. Phoebe hates the way she left things
with Joey, but has been avoiding him to keep from being
hurt like that again. In fact, she has given up entirely on men.
And poor Joey couldn't concentrate on his role on Days Of
Our Lives, so they had him (her) killed off again, this time
from breast cancer. He hasn't had a job since.
INT. CHURCH - DAY
The atmosphere is thick with tension as Phoebe and Joey
stand on either side of Monica and Chandler. With Rachel
gone, she's Monica's maid of honor, and with Joey being
Chandler's best man, this is the first time the four of them
have been in the same room since the hospital.
Every time Joey glances at her, Phoebe looks quickly away.
Ben, the ring bearer, shifts uncomfortably behind them.
Besides all that, it's a beautiful ceremony, to Monica at least.
For the first time since it happened, her sterility isn't foremost
on her mind. On the other hand, a sticky film of nervous sweat
covers Chandler's body, and he can't seem to stand still. She
takes his hands, and they hang in hers like cold, wet fish.
Still, the pastor drones on. Monica smiles over at Chandler.
It takes him a moment to force one back. He's been dreading
this night for years now, even before Ross', um, accident.
PASTOR
Do you, Chandler--
Chandler's head jerks to him.
CHANDLER
Huh?
PASTOR
--take Monica to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Nothing. The audience titters.
MONICA
(hisses)
Chandler!
Then, Chandler loses control of his vocal cords and words
tumble out that can't be his own.
CHANDLER
I'm in love with someone else.
Silence. The minutes tick by. Monica doesn't know what to
think. Chandler just stares at her, trying desperately to talk,
but nothing will come. Finally,
MONICA
What?
BEN
He's in love with someone else.
Monica whirls on her nephew, making him startle and drop
the ring.
MONICA
I heard him!
Judy leans over to Jack. She speaks just loud enough for
Monica to make out all the words.
JUDY
Pay up.
Jack slams the five bucks into her hand. As Ben goes to
retrieve the ring,
PHOEBE
Leave it.
So Ben does.
PASTOR
Should I go on?
If Monica heard the pastor, she pretends not to.
MONICA
Who is she?! Who's the bitch?
Monica looks around, ready to kick some ass.
MONICA
Is it Janice? It's Janice, isn't it?
Chandler's eyes leave Monica and land on Joey, only for
an instant, but in that instant, Monica knows.
MONICA
Joey?! You're in love with Joey?!
Chandler gulps. He goes to nod, but Monica punches him
in the face with a force that knocks him into Joey. The two
of them tumble together to the ground.
MONICA
You can have him!
Monica kicks Chandler and storms out.
PHOEBE
Men!
Phoebe goes to follow Monica, then stops. Her eyes gleam
evilly. She kicks Joey for good measure before chasing after.
Joey frantically shoves Chandler away.
JOEY
Dude!
Joey is completely freaked out. He remembers all those
hugs, but more importantly, the 'Naked Thursdays', which
had been his, not Chandler's idea. And you know what?
He liked it.
CHANDLER
Joey--
Joey recoils as if stung. Chandler tries to talk to him, but
Joey maneuvers away.
JOEY
You... you are sick!
Joey runs out. Chandler, shell-shocked, turns to the wedding
guests, who don't know what the proper etiquette is for such
an occasion.
CHANDLER
That so did not just happen.
Chandler snaps his fingers in his face to erase the memory.
The guests stare back at him. Chandler grins sheepishly,
then takes off after Monica.
EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT
Monica gets her train caught in the car door.
CHANDLER
Monica! Monica, please!
Phoebe glares at him from the passenger side. Monica
throws open the car door.
CHANDLER
Monica. Thank God.
Chandler takes a step towards the car, but Monica only
stops long enough to yank her train free and slam the door
behind her. Chandler watches as the best thing that ever
happened to him speeds away, the 'Just Married' cans
clinking along the asphalt.
Suddenly, Chandler feels a hand brush his shoulder. He
turns to see Gunther smiling back at him, his eyelids fluttering
in what one would assume to be a seductive gesture. Hey, he
couldn't have Rachel; he may as well have one of her friends.
GUNTHER
Hiya, pal.
Chandler backs slowly away.
INT. ROSS' HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT
Ross' room is full of things that would be comforting to him.
Pictures of his friends and his son cover the walls. Dinosaur
toys are placed strategically around his bed.
A knock brings Rachel slowly back to consciousness. She
blinks her eyes, bringing Chandler slowly into focus. Her
sleep, as usual, had been unrestful and full of scary things
that bite, and she's grateful to Chandler for waking her up.
RACHEL
Hi.
Rachel pulls herself into a sitting position. She brushes
the bangs from her face and rubs the sleep from her eyes.
CHANDLER
Hi.
Chandler pets Ross' head. His skin is clammy to the
touch. Chandler speaks in a soft, soothing tone.
CHANDLER
Hello, Ross.
Chandler brings a chair to the bedside and straddles it
backwards. He gestures to Ross with his head.
CHANDLER
How is he?
RACHEL
The same. Hey. How was your wedding, Mr. Tux?
CHANDLER
Let's just say you two are about the only people who don't
hate me right now.
The smile fades from Rachel's face.
RACHEL
Oh.
She pats him soothingly.
RACHEL
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Chandler takes a good look at Rachel. She has aged at
least five years for every one year the rest of them has, and
her skin stretches over her emaciated frame. Also, hygiene
is no longer a top priority, but he could care less about that.
To be honest, Chandler is more concerned about her than
Ross; though his condition hasn't improved, Ross at least
is stable.
CHANDLER
Rachel, honey, why don't you let me take over here for a
while? Go home, get some sleep. You don't mind, do you
Ross?
Of course, there is no response. Ross' eyelids don't even
twitch.
CHANDLER
He says no.
RACHEL
No, Chandler.
CHANDLER
What do you know? She agrees with us.
Chandler manipulates Ross' hand so that it's as if he's the
one giving him a high-five.
RACHEL
I'm not leaving him.
Chandler lets Ross' wrist go limp.
CHANDLER
I'm just worried about you, Rach. We all are.
RACHEL
I know you are, Chandler.
Rachel pets his arm to let him know that she isn't mad at him.
Chandler breathes a sigh of relief. At least somebody isn't.
RACHEL
I appreciate it. I do.
A wave of dizziness hits Rachel. She bites her lip to keep
from passing out. As the copper taste of blood fills her mouth,
Chandler's eyes fill with concern.
CHANDLER
Rach? You okay?
His voice echoes around in her head. Rachel looks over
at him, and he swirls in her vision. She squeezes her eyes
tight to make it stop and forces a smile.
RACHEL
Fine.
CHANDLER
You sure?
Rachel nods, her smile plastered on her face. She is
obviously lying.
RACHEL
I'm just going to try to get some sleep.
CHANDLER
That's a good idea.
Rachel leans back on the pillow with Ross and allows her
eyes to flutter shut. Chandler covers her with his jacket and
brushes the hair from her eyes.
CHANDLER
Goodnight, Rach.
Chandler kisses her forehead, but instead of leaving, he
sits back in the chair to keep watch over her.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
A dive, actually. The cockroaches are as big as rats and the
rats are as big as puppies. Twangy country music wafts
through the air, mixing with the thick clouds of cigarette
smoke that eats up all the oxygen. A sticky, unknown
substance covers most of the actual bar.
But Monica could care less as she stumbles in, Phoebe
carrying the ratty end of her dress. The place was full of
men. And if Monica doesn't care about filth, something really
must be wrong.
Monica plops down at the bar. She knocks her torn train
away, smacking a big burly man in the face. She slams her
fist down on the bar, transferring some of the sticky goo to
her hand.
MONICA
Beer. Now.
Startled by the Miss Havisham in the old wedding dress,
the bartender hurries quickly to fulfill her request. Monica
gulps down the warm beer, not even really tasting it. She
studies the man beside her as he picks up where he left
off in his conversation with the bartender.
BURLY MAN
I am having the worst day.
MONICA
Hello!
The burly man looks down at her fading wedding dress.
MONICA
You win.
Monica looks the burly man over from top to bottom.
MONICA
Will you have sex with me?
PHOEBE
Me too?
The burly man is taken aback. He feels he is living a porn.
And not the good kind. The burly man takes a deep breath
to draw in some courage.
BURLY MAN
I'm gay.
Monica stares at him. She feels like she's going to explode.
EXT. BAR - NIGHT
Monica screams up at the sky with all of her might.
MONICA
IS EVERYBODY GAY?!
Monica drops to her knees. The force sends shockwaves
through her entire body, but she is sobbing so hard she
doesn't feel it. A familiar voice softly touches her.
FAMILIAR VOICE
I'm not.
Monica blinks in confusion.
MONICA
Richard?
Richard gently helps her up. Dirt mingles with her tears
to create streaks down her face, but to him, she has never
looked more beautiful.
MONICA
How'd you...? Where'd you...?
RICHARD
Phoebe called me.
He brushes the hair from her eyes.
RICHARD
Would you mind if I kissed you?
MONICA
I'd like that.
Their kiss is the best ones that Monica has had in a long time.
INT. ROSS' HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Beads of sweat glisten on Rachel's forehead. Her heart
flutters in her chest. The dream Ross had died again
tonight. Rachel rests her head against the real Ross' chest.
His heartbeat echoes soothingly in her head.
Chandler snaps awake, and he cringes against the stiffness
in his neck and back. Hospital chairs are not made to sleep in.
CHANDLER
Rach? What's wrong?
Rachel throws herself at him. She holds him tight, her body
shivering against him.
CHANDLER
Another nightmare?
Rachel nods miserably. Chandler pets her soothingly until
she calms somewhat. Rachel slowly lies back on her pillow
in a halo of her own sweat and stares at the ceiling.
CHANDLER
If you ever want to, you know, talk, we're here for you.
Chandler gestures to him and Ross. She smiles at him.
RACHEL
Thanks.
A long silence. Rachel uses that time to slowly regain her
composure. Ross died every night, it seemed, and that
was just in her dreams. She doesn't know what she would
do if he really... best not to think about it, Rach.
Rachel props herself up on her elbows and tilts her
head to look at Chandler.
RACHEL
Why are you still here? Shouldn't you be with Monica?
Tears well up in Chandler's eyes. He doesn't even
deserve to look at Rachel, that's how bad he feels, so he
drops his eyes.
CHANDLER
She hates me.
RACHEL
She doesn't hate you.
CHANDLER
I'd hate me.
Rachel strokes Chandler's hand.
RACHEL
It's not your fault. If you are, you are.
CHANDLER
Except that I'm not. Ask Ross.
Rachel just looks at Chandler.
CHANDLER
Well, maybe a little.
RACHEL
You can't give up on her, Chandler. She needs you in her life.
Being friends is better than nothing.
Chandler studies her for a moment. He knows -- even if
she doesn't -- that she's talking about more than just him
and Monica.
CHANDLER
You're right.
RACHEL
I know.
Chandler leaps up, nearly stumbling over the chair as it falls
to the ground. He skids to a stop at the door.
CHANDLER
You're gonna be okay, right?
Rachel nods, a smile keeping the truth from him. Chandler
hesitates a moment longer.
CHANDLER
Take care of her, Ross.
Rachel has to smile as Chandler hurries out. She waits
until he leaves, then cuddles against Ross. His smell
clings to her nostrils, pungent yet oddly comforting.
INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S - DAY
Chandler opens the door and timidly peers in.
CHANDLER
Mon?
Chandler is greeted by silence. The puppy he's carrying
peeks up over the cardboard box. Chandler got her the puppy
to show how much he really does care about her. (In the past,
dogs had been the source of many arguments between them --
he hates them, she loves them.)
Chandler puts the puppy down.
CHANDLER
Monica?
Chandler comes eye-level with a naked Richard. He stumbles
back, shielding his eyes.
CHANDLER
I'm blind! I'm blind!
Monica, in her robe, runs into the living room from the bedroom.
MONICA
What is going--?
Monica sees Chandler and stops.
MONICA
Oh. It's my gay fiancee.
Richard tries to escape to the bedroom, but Monica grabs
his wrist. She reels him in and puts her arm around his waist
to keep him here. Monica faces Chandler head on.
MONICA
I've got nothing to say to you.
RICHARD
May I remind you that I'm naked?
Richard tries his best to cover himself as Chandler's hand
trembles over his eyes.
MONICA
Talk to Chandler. I'm sure he'll enjoy it.
Monica yanks on Richard, pulling him behind her as she
heads back to the bedroom. Chandler scurries over to block
their path. Monica folds her arms over her chest. She glares
at him.
RICHARD
I'm going to go get dressed now?
Chandler steps aside, to make room for him. Richard gets
to the bedroom door, then stops. He comes back to Chandler.
RICHARD
Don't look.
Chandler's eyes are anywhere but on him.
CHANDLER
I don't want to look.
Richard heads for the bedroom again. Chandler sneaks a
peek, then looks quickly away as the door forms a barrier
between them.
MONICA
Well. We're alone. How about some sex? Oh, that's right.
I'm a woman. Excuse me.
Monica knocks Chandler out of the way and goes into the
bathroom to brush her teeth. Chandler follows closely behind.
INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S BATHROOM - SAME
Monica takes her aggression out on her own teeth as she
slams her toothbrush around in her mouth, using way too
much toothpaste to compensate.
MONICA
Was there, oh, I don't know, any other time you could
have told me?!
CHANDLER
I didn't even really know until then.
Silence. Monica spits, and when she comes up, her eyes
catch Chandler's in the mirror. She slowly turns to him.
MONICA
Are you really gay?
Chandler slowly nods. Tears stream down Monica's
beautiful face.
MONICA
What about all that stuff you said when you proposed?
More lies?
Monica buries her head in his chest, and he holds her
tight, soothingly petting her hair.
MONICA
Am I really that repulsive?
CHANDLER
No. No, honey.
Chandler gazes deep into her eyes.
CHANDLER
I do love you, Mon.
Monica pulls away from him. She sniffs and wipes her eyes
free of tears.
MONICA
Get out.
Chandler is taken completely by surprise. It takes his brain
a few moments to register.
CHANDLER
What?
MONICA
I never want to see you again. Ever.
Chandler starts for the door, then stops. He looks back at
her, his eyes overcome with pain. His voice quivers with
imminent tears.
CHANDLER
You know, you're the one person I thought I could tell this to.
MONICA
Then maybe you should have told me.
Chandler ducks his head in shame. He steps out into the
living room, passing a dressed Richard on his way out.
Chandler stops, his eyes drowning in tears.
CHANDLER
Here I thought being outed was the worst moment in my life.
MONICA
Another thing you were wrong about.
Richard gives Chandler a wide path as he leaves. Monica
bursts into a fresh round of tears. Richard takes her into his
arms and holds her tight. Still, it feels wrong to Monica. It
should be Chandler, not Richard. Chandler's the one she
really loves.
INT. ROSS' HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Ross' chest is wet with tears as Rachel cries into him. She
feels pressure on her head, and she looks up into Ross'
cloudy eyes. His hand slides from her head to her back.
Rachel blinks, trying to clear the determine which realm
she is in -- the real or the imagined.
RACHEL
Ross?
Ross moves his lips, but his vocal cords constrict to
swallow his words. Only a few stray croaks escape.
ROSS
Ra... Rach...
She can tell he's getting frustrated. Rachel puts her finger to
his lips to calm him.
RACHEL
Shh, baby. Shh, baby, don't talk.
Rachel holds him tight as he slowly swims back to
consciousness.
After enduring several long, grueling hours of painful tests,
the doctors were still not able to determine the extent of
damage done to Ross' brain. The neurologists finally
allowed Ross a break, though mainly it was so that they
could hold a private conference on the subject of his condition.
Rachel immediately contacted all of her friends, who came
right over. (Joey took a little longer than the others, because
he was in the middle of having sex with another random girl.
He has been sleeping with every woman he comes in
contact with -- more so than usual -- just to prove to himself
that he isn't gay. Still, every time Joey is around Chandler,
he gets a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach. That's how
he'd felt about Kate.) They made a pact that Ross wouldn't
find out about the problems that have developed since they've
seen him last -- for now. If you thought the wedding was tense...
INT. HOSPITAL CAFETERIA - NIGHT
The friends are all in one place for the first time in nearly
three years. But nobody talks; nobody even really looks at
anyone else. That, along with the constant gnawing in his
head, is driving Ross insane.
ROSS
All right.
It's hard for the right words to come through the mist that
clings to his brain, so Ross has to choose his words carefully.
ROSS
What's wrong?
Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler mutter their own
variations on "nothing", their eyes anywhere else. Rachel,
her arm entwined with Ross', glares at them until they all
chirp "nothing" with great enthusiasm.
RACHEL
Ross, honey, are you sure you don't want anything to eat?
Ross' eyes follow the tile, seeking out its source. Rachel's
voice maintains a gentle tone.
RACHEL
Ross, honey?
Nothing. Monica and Phoebe exchange an uneasy glance.
Joey shifts nervously in his seat. The neurologist had warned
them about a possible delayed response time, but still.
Chandler touches Ross' hand.
CHANDLER
Ross?
Ross' eyes trace up Chandler's arm and land on his face.
Monica gives Chandler a 'don't touch my brother' look, and
Chandler pulls away.
Ross suddenly turns to Rachel. He gives her a nod.
RACHEL
You sure?
ROSS
Yeah-huh.
Through the haze of pain, Ross finally gets a good look at
Rachel.
ROSS
What about you?
RACHEL
What do you mean? I don't need to eat.
Rachel looks to her other friends, but if she's looking for
support, she's looking in the wrong place.
CHANDLER
Neither did those people in Ethiopia.
MONICA
As much as I hate to admit it, sweetie--
Monica glares across the table at Chandler. He quickly averts
his eyes. Monica returns the focus of her attention to Rachel.
MONICA
--you do.
RACHEL
And you all feel this way?
Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler nod. Rachel looks to
Ross. He is also in agreement. Rachel stands and shoves
the chair under the table.
RACHEL
No. No, I don't need to eat. I'm fine.
A wave of dizziness sweeps Rachel. She grabs for the table
and misses.
ROSS
Rach?
Rachel topples over, nearly bringing everything down on top
of her. Ross is the first one on his feet.
INT. ROSS' HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT
The concerned faces of her friends swim into focus as they
surround her bed. Rachel, in the spare bed, tries to talk, but
her tongue fills her entire mouth. Finally, she manages to
force out a few words.
RACHEL
What happened?
PHOEBE
Exhaustion. Malnutrition. Dehydration. Take your pick.
CHANDLER
Malnutrition's mine!
MONICA
Now is not really the time, all right?
Chandler bites his lower lip to lock his sarcasm in.
JOEY
You're gonna stay here with Ross tonight, 'kay Rach?
Rachel smiles.
RACHEL
'Kay, Joey.
Joey kisses the top of Rachel's head, then points at Ross,
who is in the next bed.
JOEY
Keep her safe.
Ross mutters something that sounds like an agreement.
INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT
The last one out closes the door. Tension circulates
around the four Ex-Friends. They all have something to say,
but nobody can quite find the words.
Finally, Joey watches Phoebe as she leaves with Monica.
He turns, and comes face to face with Chandler. Joey startles,
stammers something, and steps away. He glances over his
shoulder at Chandler, then takes off running.
Chandler stays there a moment longer before slinking away.
INT. ROSS' HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT
The whole hospital is blanketed by darkness. It is all quiet,
like a tomb. Rachel is asleep, in her grave yet happy that
Ross is with her.
Except, she is awaken by a quiet whining. When Rachel
realizes that it is in fact real, she props herself up on her elbows.
RACHEL
Ross?
Rachel reaches over and shakes Ross. The whining increases.
Rachel rips the IV from her arm, tearing her flesh, and kneels
at his bedside.
RACHEL
Ross, honey, wake up.
Ross' eyes flutter open, but his eyes are glazed and he doesn't
seem all there. His breathing is long and labored.
RACHEL
Ross!
Some of the fog dissipates, allowing Ross to actually see her.
ROSS
Rach? I think I'm dying.
He sounds scared, like a lost little boy. Rachel can feel the
tears coming, but she forms a barrier to hold them back. She
clears her throat to keep the squeak from her voice. She
fails miserably.
RACHEL
Move over.
Ross inches over to make room for her. He struggles to speak.
RACHEL
Shh, baby. Don't talk.
Rachel presses against him and curls his hair around
her fingers.
ROSS
I... I love you, Rach.
The dike springs a leak, and the little boy is nowhere near to
keep it plugged up.
RACHEL
I love you too, Ross.
Rachel pets him soothingly.
RACHEL
I'm here, baby. I'm here.
Ross' eyes slowly flutter shut.
Concluded In Part Four