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The One Where All The Bad Stuff Happens
by Jennifer Johnson
FADE IN:
INT. CENTRAL PERK - DAY
Rachel and Ross sit as close together as humanly
possible without actually being in each other�s laps.
Phoebe is behind Joey, her hands fluttering over him
like little birds. Joey tries to trace their path with his
eyes, but her hands are moving too fast.
PHOEBE
All right, Joey. Release the negative energy--
Phoebe leads Joey in a long exhale.
PHOEBE
--bring in the positive energy.
Now she leads him in a long inhale.
As Phoebe teaches Joey this meditative technique, Ross
flirts playfully with Rachel. He tries to put his hand on
her knee, and she playfully knocks it away.
RACHEL
Stop!
But of course she doesn�t mean it, which only provokes
Ross further.
Chandler has been watching them for some time.
Finally, when he can�t take it anymore, he leans over to
whisper to them.
CHANDLER
Listen children, if you don�t stop, I�m going to have to
separate you two.
RACHEL
Sorry, Daddy.
ROSS
Sorry, sir.
Ross and Rachel exchange a glance, then burst out
laughing.
CHANDLER
(to Monica)
These kids today.
Chandler returns his attention to Phoebe, and startles
at the sour look on her face.
PHOEBE
Am I boring you?
ROSS
No, Phee--
PHOEBE
Excuse me, dinosaur boy. I believe I was talking to
my friends.
Ross bites his lip to keep from responding. There
were times when he thought that Phoebe really didn't
like him, and now is definitely one of those times.
Joey is still holding his breath. He beats at Phoebe�s
shoulder, grappling for her attention.
PHOEBE
Oh, yeah. Release the negative energy.
Joey quickly exhales. He leans back, struggling to
regain a normal breathing rate.
Chandler goes to Joey. He wraps his arms around
Joey�s head and buries his head in his chest.
CHANDLER
I won�t let you do it! I won�t let you kill my friend!
Chandler knocks Joey away to nudge him forward.
CHANDLER
Run, Friend! Run!
Phoebe gestures to Ross.
PHOEBE
How about him?
Chandler thinks a moment, then steps aside.
CHANDLER
Yeah, all right.
Ross gives Chandler a �Gee, thanks� look as he hops
over the back of the couch and down next to Monica.
PHOEBE
Okay then.
Phoebe goes for Ross, but he quickly maneuvers away,
almost tripping over a chair as he does so. He steadies
the wobbly chair, then turns back to Phoebe.
ROSS
Pheebs--
Ross decides against trying to talk her out of it and runs
out of the coffee house as fast as his legs can go.
The moment he�s gone, Monica and Rachel start
laughing.
MONICA
That was so great. With the--
Monica imitates the look on Chandler�s face when he
was �protecting� Joey.
RACHEL
And the--
Rachel imitates the look on Ross� face as he ran away.
They can�t stop laughing.
Phoebe puts her leg up on the coffee table. She pulls
a knife out of her boot.
PHOEBE
He�s so silly.
Phoebe takes off. Suddenly, it�s not so funny. Rachel
and Monica exchange a glance.
RACHEL
I�m on it.
Rachel and Monica run out of the coffee place.
Joey shrugs and finishes Phoebe�s cookie.
EXT. CENTRAL PERK - DAY
Monica and Rachel run right into Phoebe and Ross.
PHOEBE AND ROSS
Gotcha!
Monica and Rachel don�t even give Phoebe and Ross a
chance to laugh; they pounce on Ross and beat him as
hard as they can.
PHOEBE
Ooh! Fun! Antics!
Clapping her hands excitedly, Phoebe joins in. Ross
tries to duck away from the ferocious women,
misjudges, and nearly goes over the top of--
ROSS
Emily.
His friends stop immediately. Moving as a unit, they
subconsciously close the distance between them and
him.
EMILY
Hello, Ross. Monica. Phoebe.
Emily deliberately stops there and glares at Rachel.
Rachel returns the look and puts a protective hand on
Ross' shoulder.
RACHEL
Okay. Buh-bye then.
Rachel turns Ross around and guides him back for the
coffee shop. Monica and Phoebe still form a sort of force
field around him. Emily takes a timid step towards him.
EMILY
Ross.
Ross stops. Rachel takes one arm, Monica the other.
Phoebe puts herself between Ross and Emily. Emily
tries to get around her, but everywhere she goes,
Phoebe is there to block her path.
EMILY
Ross--
Phoebe deliberately shields Ross from her view.
Frustrated, Emily finally gives up.
EMILY
I need to speak with Ross. In private.
PHOEBE
I don't know. I'll have to get back to you.
Phoebe stays silent for a second.
PHOEBE
Oh, you just missed him. Sorry.
Rachel looks at Ross. She hasn't seen him this sad
and confused in a long time.
RACHEL
Sweetie, come here.
Rachel draws him to her in a big hug. She holds him
tight, herself near tears.
RACHEL
(whispers)
Go to her.
Ross pulls back to study her face. Rachel refuses to
let her tears show.
ROSS
Are you sure?
Rachel forces a smile and a nod.
RACHEL
Yeah. Go on, you.
Ross smiles.
ROSS
Thanks, Rach.
Ross tries to pull away, but Rachel won't let him go.
Ross gives a nervous laugh.
ROSS
Um, Rach--
RACHEL
Oh. Right.
Rachel lets go. Ross whispers in her ear.
ROSS
I'll be back in time for tonight. I promise.
Ross kisses her cheek and goes to Emily. Rachel
watches his every move as he says something to Emily
and then leaves with her.
Monica glances at Rachel. Tears well up in Rachel's
eyes. Monica takes Rachel in a comforting hug. Phoebe
puts her arms around them both.
INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT
Rachel, in her evening best, checks the empty chair
beside her. She sighs irritably and checks her watch
for like the millionth time. Past eleven and still no sign
of Ross.
The couple at the other end of the table exchange a
glance. The woman, Cyn, an associate from work, again
follows Rachel's gaze to the empty chair. Cyn and
Rachel only pretend to like each other for the sake of
their jobs.
CYN
Where's your husband, Rach? Stuck in traffic?
Rachel gives her a 'screw you' grin.
RACHEL
(deliberately)
Ex-husband.
Suddenly, a spotlight shines in her eyes. Rachel shields
her face from the glare.
WOMAN'S VOICE
Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Green!
Everyone applauds. Rachel slowly puts her hands down.
She stands, smiling sheepishly.
INT. ROSS' BEDROOM - NIGHT
Late. Rachel storms in and flips on the light. Ross and
Emily startle awake. Ross flies one way, Emily the other.
She quickly covers her naked body with the blanket.
Ross checks his clock. He leaps out of bed, but gets
tangled up in the sheet and stumbles to the floor.
ROSS
Get off me! Get off me!
Ross frantically kicks the sheet away and wiggles into
his tux pants -- backwards, of course.
Refusing to let him see her cry, Rachel storms out of
the bedroom. Ross tries to go after her, but realizes
that he put them back on the same way.
ROSS
What is wrong with these pants?!
EMILY
You still haven't learned how to dress yourself?
Ross chooses to ignore her.
INT. ROSS' - NIGHT
Rachel is almost out when Ross finally gets there.
ROSS
Rachel, wait.
Rachel stops at the door. She wipes away her tears
and turns to him.
RACHEL
What?
Ross blinks in surprise.
ROSS
I don't know. I didn't think you'd actually stop.
Rachel turns to leave, but Ross gently takes her arm
to stop her.
ROSS
Rach, let me explain.
Rachel slips from his grasp. She goes and primly sits
on the couch.
RACHEL
Kay. 'Splain.
Ross' eyes leave Rachel -- only momentarily, but she
catches it. She follows his gaze to Emily, who watches
from the bedroom doorway. Rachel slams her hands
down on the arm of the couch.
RACHEL
That's it.
Rachel gets up and fumes toward the door. Ross gives
Emily a look and goes for Rachel.
ROSS
Rach--
Rachel slams the door in his face.
INT. JOEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Joey snores softly, his arms wrapped tightly around his
stuffed penguin. But instead of his normal wake-up call
from the singing guy next door or even the rooster, a
racket jolts him from a sound sleep.
Joey stumbles from bed, sleep clouding his vision, his
hair every which way, and into the living room.
INT. JOEY AND RACHEL'S - NIGHT
Rachel is pounding away at Joey's drums. He tries to
get her attention, but she can't hear him over her 'music'.
JOEY
Rach! RACHEL!
The drumming continues, beating against Joey's head.
He swipes her drumsticks, and she looks up at him,
tears in her eyes.
JOEY
All right. Here.
Joey holds the drumsticks out for her to take, but she
just looks at him, her face streaked with tears. He
realizes that something is really wrong.
JOEY
You okay, Rach?
Rachel nods through her tears.
RACHEL
Uh-huh.
Joey starts back for his room, then stops. He wraps his
arms around Rachel in a comforting bear hug. She cries
against his chest.
INT. CENTRAL PERK - DAY
Gunther hands Rachel her coffee, and she turns, nearly
bumping into Ross.
ROSS
Hi.
As Gunther silently curses the day Ross was born, Rachel
joins the rest of their friends around the coffee table. Ross
follows at her heels.
ROSS
You're mad.
RACHEL
I'm not mad.
Still, the tension is very thick. Ross can feel Joey's eyes
burning into him as he tries to sit down next to her. She
covers the cushion with her hand.
RACHEL
Taken.
Her point across, Rachel moves her hand. Ross kneels
in front of her.
ROSS
Rach--
MONICA
I hear they got new tile in the ladies' room.
CHANDLER
Ooh! Let me see! Let me see!
Chandler and Phoebe start to follow Monica, but he
realizes that Joey isn't with them and stops. He stares
for a moment at Joey, who finally gets it.
CHANDLER
There it is.
Joey leaps up to leave Rachel and Ross alone.
Ross reaches for her, but Rachel puts her hands in her
lap to avoid contact.
ROSS
Rachel, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I missed your benefit. Please.
Please, for--
An almost familiar voice greets Ross. He stops and
looks up at Mark.
MARK
We better go if we don't want to be late.
Mark holds out his hand, and Rachel takes it. Rachel
smiles and practically knocks Ross over as she stands.
Ross watches Mark lead her to the door.
ROSS
I'll call you, okay?
RACHEL
I'll be waiting by the phone.
Mark gives him a smug look. Rachel lets the door slam
as she leaves the coffee house. There is a long moment
of tense silence.
CHANDLER
Everybody sing!
Ross gives him a look. Chandler tries to shield his eyes,
but he can still feel Ross' eyes burning into the back of his
head. He beats at the air, but the lasers still strike him.
Chandler gets up and runs away.
INT. ROSS' - NIGHT
Ross attempts to transmit a telepathic message to Rachel
by staring at the phone. When that doesn't work,
ROSS
Come on. Ring. Ring.
Ross startles when the phone actually does ring. He
pounces on the phone.
ROSS
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Ross barely waits for the other party to respond. He holds
the phone away from his head.
ROSS
You're not Rachel. Get out!
Ross slams the phone down. He thinks a minute, then
dials Rachel's number, his fingers flying over the numbers.
Ross waits for the familiar voice.
ROSS
Hi, Rach.
Click. The dial tone fills his ears. Ross stares at the
receiver, then calls her again.
ROSS
Rach, don't hang up.
JOEY (ON PHONE)
I'm listening.
A long pause.
ROSS
Put Rachel on.
INT. JOEY AND RACHEL'S - NIGHT
Joey holds the phone out to Rachel. She glares back, and
he slowly returns it to his ear.
JOEY
I think she's washing her hair--
Rachel smacks him. Hard.
RACHEL
Give me that.
Rachel grabs the phone from him and slams it down.
JOEY
What?
RACHEL
Don't tell him that!
JOEY
Why not?
RACHEL
Washing my hair?
Joey is confused.
RACHEL
Shower?
Joey is still confused.
RACHEL
Naked?
But Joey is the one to picture her naked, not Ross, and
he grins.
RACHEL
Joey!
Rachel smacks him again, even harder than before. He
cries out and rubs his sore arm.
MARK
Want to get back at Ross right here?
Rachel looks at Mark, who is sitting with Phoebe on the
couch.
PHOEBE
I can move if you'd like.
Rachel shakes her head to try to clear the mental images.
RACHEL
Let's go.
Rachel and Mark leave together, leaving Joey and
Phoebe alone.
JOEY
So. How you doin'?
Phoebe giggles.
INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S - NIGHT
Though Chandler is sitting down, he isn't sitting still.
His body rocks back and forth, back and forth, alternating
between nervousness and excitement.
When Monica finally emerges from the bathroom,
Chandler is up on his feet. He runs to her and takes
her hands in his.
CHANDLER
Well?
Monica blinks in disbelief. A happy smile twitches on
her lips. It's almost as if she's watching herself from
outside her body as she nods.
MONICA
Uh-huh.
Chandler swings her away and hugs her tight.
MONICA
Okay, but this can't be good for the baby.
CHANDLER
Oh.
Chandler releases Monica. She smiles at him.
MONICA
I didn't say you could go.
Monica grabs Chandler and pulls her to him. He smiles
at her, and they kiss passionately.
INT. ROSS' - NIGHT
Ross has been staring at the phone for what seems an
eternity. Finally, he gets up and leaves.
INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S - NIGHT
Monica creeps into the darkened room, a baseball bat
ready. Chandler is pressed up behind her, using his
girlfriend as a shield. They move into the kitchen as one.
Monica flips on the light. She blinks in confusion.
MONICA
Ross?
Monica slowly lowers the bat.
INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S - NIGHT
Later. It's late -- really late (or early, depending on your
viewpoint) -- and Monica and Chandler are both tired, but
still Ross won't leave. Chandler, on the couch with Monica,
struggles to stay awake, but his eyes keep shutting.
ROSS
She won't even talk to me. Why won't she talk to me?
CHANDLER
I'm going to take a wild guess and say because you slept
with Emily.
ROSS
But it was an accident.
MONICA
Where'd you mean to stick it? Her purse?
Chandler snaps awake.
ROSS
It just happened. You know how some things just lead
to another.
CHANDLER
(almost to himself)
I wish some things would lead to another for me.
Monica folds her arms over her chest. He startles at the
look on her face.
CHANDLER
Ew.
Monica glares at Chandler.
CHANDLER
Well, not now. When I was single...
MONICA
Was London not good enough for you?
Chandler begins to hyperventilate. He tries to explain
himself, but the words won't come. Monica smiles and
soothingly pats his knee to make him stop.
ROSS
I don't even know what I did that was so wrong. Emily
just wanted to talk, that's all. She is my ex-wife.
CHANDLER
So's Rachel.
MONICA
Ross. Honey.
Monica beckons him nearer. Ross kneels.
ROSS
Yeah?
Suddenly, and without warning, Monica slaps Ross upside
the head. Ross cries out indignantly.
ROSS
Monica!
MONICA
Do you have any idea how important this was to Rachel?
She chose you of all people to escort her to that benefit,
and you blew her off for Emily. Emily!
Ross finally realizes the extent of what he's done.
ROSS
Oh.
MONICA
Yeah. Notice how she didn't even yell at you? You really
hurt her, Ross.
CHANDLER
You might as well have made it the girl from the copy shop.
MONICA
Do you want me to hit you too?
Ross gets right in Chandler's face.
ROSS
We were on a break!
CHANDLER
Oh. My. God. How you ever managed to get three
women to marry you, I will never know.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Mark leans in to kiss Rachel, but she shifts so that
his lips brush her cheek.
MARK
What's wrong, Rachel? Is it my breath?
RACHEL
No, Mark. You're... minty fresh.
MARK
You're still in love with Ross, aren't you?
RACHEL
Ew, no. It's Ross.
MARK
Then come here.
Mark leans into kiss her, but she maneuvers away from him.
MARK
Oh, come on. What is your problem?
RACHEL
You.
Mark blinks in confusion.
MARK
What?
RACHEL
Just leave me alone.
Rachel tries to go for her apartment, but Mark won't let her
go. He puts his hand on the wall, blocking her with his arm.
Suddenly, he's a different person- no, not a person. A wild
animal.
MARK
You know, I can't do that.
Though Rachel is suddenly afraid, she knows that to
let him see that would be her own downfall.
RACHEL
Mark, what are you doing?
MARK
I've wanted you for so long. Have you ever wanted
something that was just out of your reach?
Mark takes a good look at her. Even when she's scared,
she's beautiful.
MARK
Of course you haven't. Look at you.
Mark presses against her, kissing her. Rachel knees
him as hard as she can where it counts and takes off
in the opposite direction.
Once Mark regains his normal breathing rate, he is
right on top of her. She doesn't even make it out of the
building before he grabs her by the hair and yanks her
back. He shoves her down. Hard. Tugging at his belt, he
flips her over.
RACHEL
Please, Mark. Please. Don't do this.
MARK
Why? So we can just be friends?
RACHEL
Mark--
MARK
Shut up!
Mark hits her across the face as hard as he can. Her head
hits against the hard floor.
INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S - NIGHT
Monica is embracing her brother. Finally, she and Ross part.
MONICA
Go take care of it.
ROSS
I will. Bye, Mon.
Ross looks around her at Chandler.
ROSS
Night, Chandler.
Tired, Chandler gurgles deep in his throat and gives an
irritated little wave.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
It doesn't even register at first what's really going on. But
the moment it does, Ross pries Mark off of Rachel and
throws him back with his paleontologist strength. Ross
tends to the bleeding Rachel, whose clothes hang on
her like rags.
Suddenly, Mark is on him. He shoves Ross into the stair
rail. His forehead connects with metal, hard, sending him
back into the wall. Ross falls backwards and lies,
motionless, where he falls.
The full extent of what he's done hits Mark. His heart
pounding in his chest, he flees as fast as his legs will
carry him.
Rachel crawls over to Ross. Her fingers touch his
clammy skin, and his eyelids flutter open. His glazed eyes
look back at her. He blinks slowly, clearing the fog,
allowing the recognition to return.
ROSS
Rach?
The fog is gone, leaving a thin mist behind. Though Ross
doesn't remember all of the events that led up to their
current situation, he remembers enough.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT
The ER charge nurse and a female resident watch the
patient from the door. Rachel, in her little paper ER dress,
clings to Ross as if he were her life support. The medical
people speak in voices only they can hear.
RESIDENT
So, what do you think?
NURSE
He says he's her husband.
RESIDENT
That makes it even sicker.
The resident leads the nurse into their room. Rachel's
eyes trace her every movement like a wild animal caught
in a trap. It's not the first time the resident thanks God
she's not a man -- if she were, the victim wouldn't bother
to stick around.
RESIDENT
Hello, Ms. Green. I'm Dr. Lewis, and this is Carol.
If you don't mind, we'd like to do a rape kit.
The word 'No' forms in Rachel's eyes before the
resident even gets all of the words out. The nurse's eyes
never leave Ross.
NURSE
It'll really help if you decide to prosecute.
Rachel looks to Ross. He nods, so Rachel agrees with
a little nod of her own.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT
Rachel speaks for the first time since they got there as
the nurse is finishing up. Her voice is little, and reminds
all those present of a little girl.
RACHEL
What about my husband?
NURSE
What about him?
Rachel clears her throat, but her normal voice just won't
come.
RACHEL
He hit his head. Hard. Could you--
The nurse sighs. Her opinion of Ross hasn't changed
the whole time they've been here, but part of her job
description was treating everybody, no matter how
despicable -- gang members, murderers, child molesters...
rapists.
The nurse holds two fingers right in Ross' face.
NURSE
How many fingers?
Ross has to tilt his head back just to focus.
ROSS
Four?
The nurse shines a little flashlight in his eyes to check
his pupils.
NURSE
Follow this.
The nurse moves her finger around. Ross tries to follow it,
but his pupils seem to jerk around in his head. The
diagnosis seems clear. It's a--
NURSE
Concussion.
The nurse puts her little flashlight away. Rachel clutches
Ross' arm even tighter.
RACHEL
Will he--?
NURSE
Just don't let him go to sleep tonight and your--
The nurse glares at Ross.
NURSE
--husband--
She looks back at Rachel.
NURSE
--will be fine.
INT. JOEY AND RACHEL'S - DAY
Ross had volunteered to go home, but Rachel wouldn't let
him. She sat up with him all night to make sure he didn't
go to sleep. Somewhere in between all the Nick at Nite they
were forced to watch, Rachel swore to herself that she
wouldn't let this whole Mark thing ruin her life. What's
important now is her best friend Ross.
Joey finally comes home sometime around noon. He stops
in the kitchen to get his juice, not even fazed by the fact
that Ross and Rachel are together on the couch.
JOEY
Where was I last night you ask? With a girl.
Rachel pats Ross soothingly and stands.
RACHEL
I don't want to hear about that!
Rachel gives Ross a warning glance to keep him awake.
Joey flashes her his famous grin as she joins him in the
kitchen.
JOEY
Don't worry, Rach, you're still my number two girl.
Rachel momentarily forgets all about Ross.
RACHEL
I'm number two? Who's number one?
JOEY
(of course)
Phoebe.
The memory of Ross hits Rachel, and she shakes her head
to return her to the problem at hand. She has to get that
Mark smell off her. Joey, on the other hand, has other things
in mind when he finally realizes Rachel's condition.
JOEY
Oh my god, Rach? What happened to you?
Joey casts an accusing glance at Ross on the couch. Ross'
head begins to droop, and when his chin hits his chest, his
head springs up and his eyes open wide.
RACHEL
Nothing. Look, I got to take a shower. Ross can't go
to sleep. Can you do that for me?
Joey is still glaring at Ross. Ross would never hurt Rachel,
he knew that... but, then again, Rachel couldn't do that to
herself.
RACHEL
Joey? Can you do that?
JOEY
Yeah. Sure.
Rachel studies him a moment before going into the
bathroom. Joey waits until the door is closed.
JOEY
Hey, man. You want a sandwich?
Ross has problems answering. His tongue feels all
fuzzy, and his words come out all wrong.
ROSS
No, thanks. I'm good.
JOEY
(mutters)
Yeah. I bet you are.
As Joey makes his sandwich, he decides that a detailed
account of last night's exploits is bound to keep someone
as boring as Ross intrigued enough to stay awake.
JOEY
So, I was with this chick last night, and--
Joey stops. Ross is asleep in a puddle of his own drool.
Joey indignantly slaps the final bread on his sandwich.
JOEY
At least I'm not a paleontologist.
Joey plops down next to Ross on the couch. He pries the
remote from Ross' fingers and switches the channel to
something not so boring.
The first thing Rachel sees when she comes out of the
shower is Ross slumped over in a very unnatural position.
She runs to him, and her fingers brush his cold, clammy skin.
RACHEL
Joey!
Joey startles out of his world of Baywatch, sending pieces
of his sandwich flying everywhere.
JOEY
What?!
RACHEL
He's asleep! You let him go to sleep!
Rachel tries to prop Ross up, but his body keeps flopping over.
JOEY
And you're in a towel.
RACHEL
Joey! Help me!
Together, Rachel and Joey prop Ross up. Rachel puts
her head against Ross' chest. His heartbeat and
respiration rate are faint -- but there. She tries to slap him
awake. No response. Tears streak down her face.
RACHEL
Call an ambulance!
Joey scurries to the phone.
FADE OUT
Continued In Part Two