“What’s it take to kill this thing?” Screams a battling Calvin.
“I don’ know man, I’d just like to figure what it takes to back it off!” Responds Smiley after a wild swing at the giant python’s head.
“Do you think it’s hungry?” Calvin suggests, trying to find an easy solution.
“No, I think it’s trying to introduce us to yesterday’s lunch. Yes, I think it’s hungry, you dolt!”
“No need to get nasty.” Retorts Calvin after he twists his blade into the bottom jaw of the beast after a near miss bite.
“And will you put that damn sword away, you know that’s not your best fighting weapon, don’t you have a gun or something better in there?”
“Hey, I’ll worry about myself, thank you. Instead of runnin’ your jaw, try taking out that stinger on it’s tail.”
Smiley grins, and takes a huge swing at the tail of the monster, severing part it. A quick scream of pain echoed though the swamp, followed by the very sound of rage flowing through the veins of the snake. With about half of it’s fighting ability gone, the monstrosity erects its self to nearly fifteen feet tall (it would be taller, but part of its base is currently missing). Both Smiley and Calvin know it is preparing to deliver death blows, to which Calvin responds “Now you did it, you made him mad.”
“I...I, it was YOUR idea...” Smiley returns. He looks up at their opponent, wondering who it will attack first. He gets his answer. Time only allowed him to raise a useless parry with his sword as the snake came barring down on him. Actually, the parry was not useless, the snake, instead of ripping Smiley in two, only stole the blade from his hands. This however, made the man extremely angry, that sword cost me quite a bundle! he says to himself.
“You, get a grenade ready.” he says pointing at Calvin as the snake flips his sword and swallows it whole.
“Why what are you going to...”
“Don’t ask, just do it. It thinks I’m defenseless, so it should try to take me out next. You’ll know what to do when the time comes.” Smiley orders as he fastens the waist strap of his back pack.
Sure enough, the snake tries to tear the torso off of Smiley’s legs again. This time Smiley was ready, jumping out of the way just far enough to jump back on its head before it gets out of range. The snake roars in anger as the midday snack becomes more of a problem by the second. Violent shaking does nothing to remove the grip Smiley has on the reptile’s head, so it resorts to other means. The snake tries to whip its head backwards as it brings its tail upwards on a collision course. It misses. Oops, forgot that wasn’t there, the snake reminds its self, oh well, get the other one first, I’ll deal with this one later. The snake resumes its upright position, trying to stare Calvin into a fright paralysis, it doesn’t work. Smiley is still holding on to the creature’s head, hands planted on a flat spot over the eyes legs hanging down its back.
Down on the ground, Calvin has a grenade pulled from his stash, pin out, and ready to throw, at what though? And what on God’s green Earth is Smiley trying to do? This thing has taken some of our best blows, what is a little grenade going to do? Is he going to feed it to the thing...? Even better, is he expecting me to feed it...? Calvin’s train of thought continues to ponder the situation. He thinks he may understand. If this is what he has in mind, I’m going to kill him for this, unless the snake does it for me... Here it comes!!!
Calvin chucks the grenade upwards as he somersaults out of range. The snake, loosing control as well as a substantial amount of blood from its tail, nearly swallows it. To ensure that the snake does not spit it out, Smiley flips around to the beast’s face and hanging from one of its nostrils, punches the lower jaw, forcing the bomb into its throat. Not wanting to be in the middle of some of the worst indigestion in history, Smiley drops to the ground and covers his head with his coat. No sooner than he finishes, the grenade goes off, ripping a man-sized hole in the snakes stomach area. The great loss of tissue is more than enough to kill the snake, and it soon topples over. Like a tower on demolition day, it falls flat forward, with Smiley fitting nicely the hole in its stomach. A few moments pass.
Calvin walks over to the oversized carcass wondering: is that nincompoop trying to get his sword back; nah, more where that came from? I bet he’s having a feast of snake meat, (sniff) not with the way this thing smells, eww. Or is the acidic stomach dissolving away at his flesh from his body; no, too quiet for that. Maybe the snake’s immune system has begun to engulf him, suffocating his screams for help... I’m not goin’ in there. His overactive imagination yet again begins to take over, ranging from finding massive treasures in the creature’s gut, to grizzly scenes of blood chilling death. A few moments pass before Smiley rip out of the carcass, big smile on his face, holding the lost weapon high yelling “Found it!”
His enthusiasm is met with a water balloon.
“Do you ALWAYS have to do that?” asks a sopping wet Smiley.
Calvin looks at him for a second and replies “Do YOU always have to show off that flashy stuff? I mean c’mon man, act normal for once.”
“Like you’re to talk, I am normal.”
“He says shaking his head dry...” Calvin narrates.
“Hey, as long as it works. Anyway, what flashy stuff, in a profession like this, the more imaginative, the better. Now how about we get out of this freakin’ swamp.” Looks around for a moment, continues “Pick a direction.”
Calvin looks around for any end to the wetlands, finds a mountain in the not-too-far distance, points and suggests “Looks as good as any other direction.”
“Hmm, all right. Chances are our friend here doesn’t have anything of value on him so how about if we just get out of here.”
“Already ahead of ya’, stop talkin’ and start walkin’.”
Smiley chuckles at his friend’s sudden show of command and mocks “Aye, aye Capn’ Crunch!”
The two trudge through the marshy terrain for about fifteen minutes or so until they begin to hear strange sounds coming from the direction behind them. Agreeing that neither of them wishes to meet another overgrown snake, they decide a race to the end of the swamp may help put some distance between them and whatever just found a rotting relative in the middle of nowhere. The race is nearly equal, with the longer legs of Smiley carrying him just a bit faster than his competitor, until the sounds behind them become more intense. With a quick glance over his shoulder, Calvin spots a snake rearing in the distance looking in his direction. Not wanting to look backwards for too long, Calvin pours on extra speed just in case. Smiley, seeing Calvin pass him like he was standing still let his curiosity get the best of him and took a peek around his shoulder and saw the same thing, only instead of a roaring snake, he saw an approaching snake. He also decided to run faster. It’s amazing how much someone can run when a two-ton viper is on his tail. At this speed, Calvin feels like he could run over a lake. The wind forced his normally forward facing hair style to be slicked straight back. Unfortunately, he can only keep up this speed for a short time, and a few minutes later his lungs force him to stop and take a breath. With all forward momentum gone, he decides to see just how far he has gone on his fear induced run. A slow look back reveals Smiley still well behind him with the monster not far behind.
“Keep going!” Smiley needlessly shouts, carrying his backpack under his right arm like a football. Calvin could only slouch over, holding his knees to keep them from buckling under his weight. His only hope is that they will be able fight this one off as easily as the last one, but apparently Smiley has other ideas. As he approaches Calvin, he reaches out his free arm, sweeps him up and carries him like another football.
“If anything kills you, it’s gonna’ be me.” Smiley grumbles. He continues to charge full steam, head down not paying attention to anything but running. The extra weight of an extra person pull Smiley down into the muck even more with every step, reducing his momentum greatly until he finally collapses. Both men roll and assume a somewhat futile attack pose. The snake is on them in a matter of seconds, rising high over their heads. Just as soon as the snake reaches its full height, it turns and retreats.
“What was that about?” Smiley asks.
“Uh ... turn around and look up. You’re not going to believe this.” Calvin answers.
“Another one?” Smiley groans.
“Well, kinda’”
Smiley turns and follows a giant stake in the ground to the top, where a badly decomposed head of a snake is stuck. Most of the body lies coiled around the base. Upon a closer investigation, Smiley finds a small sign nailed to the stake and reads: “This is the remains of a ‘Midgar Zolom’, they inhabit the swamp before you and strike without hesitation. Unless you are completely confident in your abilities, STAY OUT.”
“Nice of them to give us a warning. ‘Midgar Zolom’, never heard of it, you?” Calvin asks.
“No, a lot of good a warning gave us though. Hmm, there’s a cave up ahead, how’z about checking it out. For once, I’m actually hoping to find civilization.”
“Why is that?”
“After all of that, man do I need a shower!”
“No argument here. Ya’ know, I think we broke the sound barrier back there.”
“What? No way, no human can do that on foot.”
“Well I heard something pop.”
“I think that was my heart. By the way, just what do you have in that bag?”
Calvin laughs, “Remember that really cheap flea market we went through a while ago?”
“Yeah, you were so exited about finding packages of five-hundred water balloons for two-fifty, so?”
“Ever wonder why I left there fifty bucks lighter, a bunch of those and a year’s supply of cereal. Various other stuff.”
“’Chocolate Covered Frosted Sugar Bombs with Marshmallows’ is not a cereal, it’s a sugar high in a box. Let’s just get out of the open so I can crash on to something and not worry that it may be another Zolom.”
They agree to explore the cave, and on passing the carcass, Calvin couldn’t resist voicing out “And I though they smelled bad, (wheeze) on the outside.”
“Wait a sec,” Smiley says drawing imaginary figures in the air. “Fifty divided by two and a half is twenty bags, multiply that by five hundred and you get... Are you telling me you’ve got ten thousand water balloons in there?”
“Well, yeah. At one point I did. I’ve used a bunch sense then.”
“So I’ve noticed.” he says, water still dripping from head. “Huh?”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“No, not you. I felt something, a presence. A presence I’ve not felt sense...”
“Have you been talking to Obi-wan again?”
Smiley does not answer, but instead stiffens his arms and legs. Soon he is standing straight on his toes, his face blank as if meditating, something he does from time to time recalls Calvin. He stands there like that for about five seconds before lowering himself to his normal stance. Once out of cloud-nine, he shakes his head to clear his thoughts.
Seeing this, Calvin asks “Uh, what was that all about?”
Smiley laughs “Hold on to your butt, this place has a whole lot more to offer than just snakes.”
“Like what?”
“A possible origin.” Smiley walks off after saying this.
“Origin of what?” Calvin asks, to no avail. Neither speak until they reach the cave. Once inside, Smiley takes off his coat, spreads it across the floor showing an assortment of weapons: swords, axes, a pike, a sawed-off shotgun, long distance rifle (no ammo for either), and a few things Calvin fails to recognize even to this day.
“Trust me on this one, you’re going to need something you can use a little better than that sword.”
“How about my good ol’ hand gun, I impressed you with it before”
“This is no Area 51, you might not have enough bullets to make it through here...” Smiley warns.
“Hmm, okay, what else you got?”
Smiley opens his back pack, shuffles around in it for a second then runs through a list of tools he can find, “Hammer, sledge hammer, screwdriver (yeah right!), bull whip, chain flail, lunch box, circular saw blades (where the Hell they come from?), a dart set, stuffed animal (I was looking for you!), fish net; what d’ ya’ want?”
Calvin ponders his choices, as well as some of the choices themselves (lunch box??). He becomes uneasy about a sound coming from behind them. “Give me the chain, and make it quick.”
Smiley, not hearing anything over his own voice, digs out the five feet of chain (not counting handle) and hands it to Calvin. “What’s the rush?” he asks turning around. Calvin just grabs the weapon, does a turning duck in time to dodge a wrecking ball, which clocks Smiley instead. Not having a chance to get a proper hold of the flail, Calvin has to settle for throwing half of the chain in the attacker’s direction. Luckily, that’s all he needs to wrap up the leg of a mace swinging golem. With one good tug he pulls the leg out from under it. The thing swings its arms wildly as it falls, plunging the mace into the midsection of another one behind it. The impact causes the second golem to keel over, accidentally bringing the heavy ball onto the first one’s head, utterly smashing it.
“I swear,” Smiley says rubbing one side of his head, “if there was a super hero and his only attribute was being extremely lucky; you’d be it.”
“It’s not luck, it’s skill.” Calvin retorts, sticking out his tongue.
“Luck.”
“Skill.”
“Luck.”
“Skill.”
“Luck.”
“Skill.”
“Luck.”
“Skill.”
“Luck.” “Skill.” “Luck.” “Skill.” “Luck.” “Skill.” “Luck.” “Skill.” “Oh, forget it. I’m not getting into this again.”
“That’s because you know I’m right. By the way, I get the points for that one.”
“Fine, but the Zolom is mine.”
“No way.”
“Yes way. I’m the one that did all the work.”
“Oh yeah, well it was my grenade that killed it.”
“You tossed it in self defense.”
“Doesn’t that count?”
“No it doesn’t.”
“Oh, poo. (I’m ahead anyway, so what’s it matter.) Hey, do you think we can use these?” Calvin holds up one of the morning stars.
“Hmm, let me see that thing”. Smiley takes, it gives it a few test swings, nearly looses his balance, and comes to the conclusion “Too heavy for my taste,” and hands it back to Calvin. Calvin in turn, gives the ball and chain a try, and eyeing a purple crab scrounging for food in a corner, gives it a strong over head crunch. The crab splatters, entrails now adorn most of the room.
“Hey, that could have been dinner.” Smiley spouts angrily.
“It still could be.”
With one look at the remains, Smiley decides “No thanks, I think I lost my appetite.”
“Okay, your loss. I think I’ll keep this thing.”
“Then you hold on to it. I may not be around for the duration of this chapter.”
“Does this mean I get to be narrator?”
Smiley can’t tell if he is being sarcastic or not, but goes along with it anyway. “Fine, but you’d better have a lot of paper to write on, this may be a long one.”
“Sweet! When does the action start?”
“You mean that isn’t enough action already, considering we’ve not been here but for, what, hour and a half. Anyway, you know how I work, I always use at least a week or so to find out who’s the good and who’s the bad before I take direct action. Then again, with everything we see attacking us, that might be kinda’ difficult. Well, I don’t know about you, but I think it’s been a long day, wha’ d’ ya’ say about finding a non-infested area and call it a night.”
“Yeah, look outside, it’s starting to get dark. I think I might enjoy a chance to clear my head of that last tour stop any way.”
“No kidding. Destroying the world’s forest just for the wood to fuel the logging machines. Have I never heard a more senseless operation in my life! Don’t get me started on how they completely ignored the fact that some of the leveled areas were inhabited.”
“I can’t wait until the look on the face of that elder gets out of my head. They went straight through him! Be damn glad you weren’t there to see it. Hey, where were you all that time?”
Smiley shrugs, “Hey, I’ve got my own schedule to keep, you know I like to get all sides of a story before charging in. Though I think that alone would have done it. Well, I can’t be in on all of the fun now, can I? Anyway, you’ve described it to me enough times that I think I get the picture. And when can we get outta’ here? This stale air is making me sick.”
“Check it out, light at the end of the tunnel.”
“With any luck, it won’t be an oncoming train.”
“No tracks. Well, shall we go?”
“Got anywhere else to go today? Besides to sleep I mean.”
“Man, you are tired, aren’t you?”
“Yeah well... Maybe I should get myself off of the fifty-two hour day. I mean it’s not like I get attacked as much during the night as I used to, but until I do...” Smiley trails off.
“Until you do what?”
Smiley stops, blinks a few times and says “Don’t know, forgot what I was saying for a moment. Letting my mind wander and all.”
“’Of all the things I’ve lost...”
“I miss my mind the most’. True that, man, true that.”
Calvin think for a second before beginning his next inquiry, “What made you say that about this being the origin of something? What did you hear, anything about me?”
“All I could make out was ‘Oh no, not you, not now!’. I don’t know if she was referring to you or me.”
“She? As in a girl?”
“It was definitely a female voice, sounded faintly familiar. Can’t quite put my finger on it though.”
“Maybe you were already here once, that was some girl who you really ticked off and she’s in a really awkward point of her life right now. You might have that kind of presence, one where you can be felt from the other side of the world. That must have been one huge impression you made on her for her to already know you’re here, what’d you do leave her at the alter or something like that?”
“No, that wasn’t Jamie.”
Shocked at this new insight to Smiley’s past life, and the accuracy of his story, Calvin immediately asks “Who?”
Smiley, equally shocked that he let something like this out could only respond be slapping his forehead and scream “DOH’!”
The rest of the day was rather quiet.