| Sayings III |
| How can I miss you if you don't go away? Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? Assassins do it from behind. Be quiet brain - or I'll stab you with a Q-tip. "Thank you for that stunning report... Captain Obvious!" It's a good thing you're cute, 'cause DAMN you're dumb! It's not that I'm anti-social, I just don't like you. I see Dumb people. I'm no longer a danger to society. I smile 'cause you've all finally driven me insane... Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. The dark is afraid of me. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? God bless atheism. Good techies do it in the dark. Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It's good to be a vampire "What happened?" "Things went from bad to worse." "Then what?" "History repeated itself." reading is knowledge knowledge is power power corrupts corruption is a crime therefore don't read Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I've enver forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth-control pills. Now she has 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the 6 o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell, my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die." The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him). I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out? Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you say that Benjamin Franklin said it first. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Indecision is the key to flexibility. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is. I don't get even, I get odder. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I always wanted to be a procrastinator. Never got around to it. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. I am a nutritional overachiever. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. I'm having an out-of-money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. A day without sunshine is like night. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. I am not a perfectionist, though my parents were. Life is an endless struggle of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you will find a hair stylist you like. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain five pounds. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. Age doesn't always bring wisdom; sometimes age comes alone. You don't stop laughing beacuse you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing. Kinky is using a feather; perversion is using the whole chicken. God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is blind. Ray Charles is God. I'd sniff coke, but I'm afraid an ice cube would get stuck in my nose. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes. If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem! If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie. It may be that your sole purpose in life if simply to serve as a warning to others. Never buy a car you can't push. (Another strike against SUVs) Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. |