Often well-meaning people try to speak words of comfort without realizing that their remarks are actually perceived as callous and insensitive. I admit I was guilty of this before becoming hypersensitive after my own loss. I once told someone who had suffered a miscarriage, "At least you know you can get pregnant." I know now that this s NOT a thing to say. My purpose here isn't to retaliate, but to educate.
"I am still a mother of twins though not in the way I had hoped for or anticipated..."
                                        --Jules, Thomas & Megan's Mum
When you lose one of your twins, it's like studying the Drivers Ed manual, getting your learner's permit, even passing the driving exam...and getting a bicycle.

For us, we were expecting something we didn't get to have. Somehow your brain changes the future plans to include all your children, and when it doesn't turn out that way, you have to force yourself to rewrite your plans. Not easy!

People often say I should be happy I still have one baby. After all, women are usually pregnant with only one, and if something happens, they leave the hospital empty-handed. Well, we were expecting two the same way many others expect one. In this respect it's still the same loss. Babies are babies no matter how many you are pregnant with. Yes, I am happy I have my duaghter Jordan, but that doesn't erase the fact that I lost my daughter Joelle.
Comments I find hurtful:
"At least you still have one."

Twins are not an oversupply. We were not given an extra or spare baby. Yes we are extremely fortunate to have Jordan, but this in no way diminishes the loss of Joelle. If anything, it accentuates it. Having a surviving twin is a constant reminder that there should have been two milky grins to wipe clean, two proms for dad to freak out about, etc. If one of your children died, would it be okay since you have others? Whether you lose a child who has been breathing air for ten years, ten minutes, or who never had the chance to, you love your child and the loss is devastating.

"God needed more angels."

I know these sentiments are meant to be sweet, BUT, biblically speaking, people do not become angels when they die. Angels are spirit beings God created separately from humans to be His messengers, warriors, and protectors. We did not lose one of our twin daughters because God needed more helpers, we lost one of our twin daughters because of TTTS.

Babies are a lot of work, you'll be glad you just have one."

Sorry, but I'll never be glad that one of our daughters has died.

"It's probably for the best...she probably would have been deformed."

 Wrong. This is the great tragedy of TTTS. Typically the babies are perfectly and completely healthy. Joelle was perfect. She wasn't stillborn because her genetics failed her and nature took its course, she simply didn't have enough of the placenta share to survive.

Comments that make me feel good:

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"You did everything you could to save both of your girls."
Joanne Cacciatore's words describe very well what I have been feeling lately. Check out her webpage "Anger as an Accessory" at: http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Ranch/8207/anger.html
For other family bereavement resources, check out Joanne Cacciatore's webpage "A Father's Grief/A Mother's Grief" at: http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Ranch/8207/marsvenus.html
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