Reviews

Vladimir Shokov embarks on a crusade against vulgarity and winds up feeding the seagulls at the 13th September 2001 Jizz Club....

During one of my frequent night time sojourns into the gay town of Larkside recently I could not fail to observe what can only be described as a stampede in the direction of the tavern known simply as the Funotina. Curious at this phenomena and safe in the knowledge I could always take a small room at the Webbs Hotel for a few shillings I took the decision to dodge the skateboarders and venture inside.
Handing over the required forty bob to the rather alluring if not under dressed creature on the door, I was pleasantly surprised to see the callow youths known as Colonel Bastard I had previously encountered at the Barley Sheaf. Their dress still needed some refinement but the curious noise they pass off as popular music had improved immensely. I was excited also to see the Swingers Ring as Mrs Shokov and myself often perform the swing to our gramophone back at Shokov Towers. The other turn Rusty Nail consisted of a big haired fitness instructor, a similarly haired guitar player, a slightly unsteady guitar player, a womble on the bass guitar and Deputy Dawg on the drum kit.
It was indeed edifying to see young and old alike tête-à-tête and I was able to take full advantage of the packed thrum to indulge in a spot of frottaging. I was also able to check my horoscope during a visit to the bathroom and sign up to the Jizz Dating Agency.
Once again my faith in humanity was affirmed and by the time the megaphone signalled au revoir and the morphine kicked in I knew I was not alone in demanding sophistication and refinement instead of skateboards, graffiti and text messages.

Although this is an original article the character Vladimir Shokov is stolen from Chap Magazine.

Click here to read the review of The Barbarellas triumphant Jubilee gig at The Barley Sheaf. Special thanks to the ex-Alldays manager who anonymously supplied this picture of The Barbarellas in their dressing room.

The opening of The Liskerret Centre in Larkside (September 2002) proved to be an exciting breeding ground for new talent. Seasoned veterans Parsons Cramp wowed the audience with a snappy truncated ska set but the real sensations of the day were The Battery Powered Snowmen. Aged between ten and fifteen, this sextet are on course to be the future of rock 'n' roll. Taking the stage they demanded the audience wave to them before launching into a half hour blitz of covers from Blink 182, Offspring and Weezer punctuated with the likes of Inspector Gadget and The Pink Panther. Unveiling a new member on the silver trumpet, the BPS proceeded to jump up and down in their wigs and ties to an enthusiastic crowd. Highlights included Leo's spot on guitar and some crazy stage diving. Also worthy of a mention was The String Quartet who are sure to be in demand in the near future.

Jizz Magazine reporters recently ventured to Camborne to check out Bad Manners. Click here for Vince Sinister's review. Click here for Bing Chesterley's review.

Ligging Around With Justin Davis...
How I spent The Winterval with Colonel Bastard
by Vince Sinister

Thurs 19th Dec - Barley Jam

Tues 24th Dec - Rusty Nail Rock Special at the Fountain

Sun 29th Dec - Barley Oregan Jam

Thurs 2nd Jan - Barley Gig

Mon 6th Jan - Liskerret Centre

Once upon a time Colonel Bastard were a five piece fronted by a large, scruffy, charismatic singer with a deep voice and compelling stage presence. Geographics have precipitated the departure of Daniel Onions and the question everybody has been asking is: Can The Bastard do it without Daniel?

In a word, yes. As soon as they started playing it was as if nothing had changed. But some things had changed. Out! The pretty analogue keyboard twiddles. In! Visceral lead guitar soundscapes. Out! 'Eastbourne' and 'Eastenders'. In! A tighter, rockier sound with new songs displaying a greater maturity and steady three part harmony.

The Christmas Barley Jam rush was unfortunate for The Bastard, getting their slot cut to two songs. It was on Xmas Eve however where they really had a chance to shine. Two sets of lights made a nice visual backdrop and bass bins enhanced the sound. The songs are now sung by their respective authors, Ben & Martin, with drummer Chris taking vocal duties on their cover of Kraftwerk's 'The Model'.

'Hollyoaks' and 'Surf The Sexxx Net' from second LP 'The Gentlemen's Club' kick arse live, and new songs 'She's A Lady' and 'Settle Down' are greatly improved from the demo versions. By the fifth show 'Losing Touch' ("probably my favourite song of ours" says Martin) was storming. 'Whitley Grange' continued to be a top crowd pleaser with it's free form improvisatory passages and solid New Order-esque drumming, and finally at Liskerret Centre we were treated to Martin's greatest John Shuttleworth moment 'I Used To Know A Little Boy Called Jesus'.

Indeed. So where now for the mighty Bastard? BScs, MAs, phds, BDSM, extensive rehearsals in Cambridge and hopefully a few more surprises when the band return to Liskeard at Easter.

Meanwhile in another part of the world, Daniel Onions has recorded two demos with The Fourth Dimension, “Paul Hawkins Was A Cat” and “Peter Gill The Emotional Man” to be included on the forthcoming Rock Opera “Charlie The Chocolate Man and the Various Assortments Of Your Mind”. Daniel is also writing his own material in Cardiff.