| Violin Jokes |
| What's the difference between a violin and a viola? There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger. What's the difference betweena violin and a fiddle? A fiddle is fun to listen to. Why are viola jokes so short? So violinists can understand them. How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog? A dog knows when to stop scratching. How many second violinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None; they can't get up that high. String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune." Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile? Beacuse both are offensive and inaccurate. Why don't violists suffer from piles (hemorrhoids)? Because all the assholes are in the first violin section. What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle. Why do violinists put a cloth between their chins and their instruments? Violinists don't have spit valves. Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin? You might bend the nail. A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin!" His wife responds, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!" Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a performance. "There's not much room on this page," he said, "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire." "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "Yes, you have," answered the man hopefully, "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge, "Twenty years!" A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at four corners of a football field. At the signal, a $100 bill is dropped in the center of the field and the four run to grab it. Who gets it? The secon violinist. Why? Because no first violinist is going anywhere for only $100, there's no such thing as a virtuoso violist, and the bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about. Logic Problem: Dela plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 out of 7, and about conductors, it is 16 out of 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra, and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many remarks will Dela make in a two- year period? How does this change if 5 of the musicians are also conductors? What if 6 of the conductors are also musicians? How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving. How do you make a violin sound like a viola? 1. Sit in back and don't play. 2. Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes. Why don't violinists play hide and seek? No one will look for them. There once was a violinist from Rio. He fell in love with a girl named Cleo. As he was removing her panties, she said, "No andante, I want allegro con brio." What do you do if you're short a violinist? Have a percussionist drag his fingernails across the chalkboard. Why are there so many violinists in an orchestra? Because the conductor wants someone to play the right notes. The principle second violinist of a local orchestra came home one night to find his house completely engulfed in flames. One of his neighbors came over and said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but the house is lost; the firefighters could only contain the flames to keep them from spreading." So the violinist sat on the curb in despair. Another neighbor came up to him and said, "I'm really sorry, but your wife and kids were at home when the fire started and weren't able to get out." The violinist hung his head and began to cry. The fire chief came over and said, "We think we know who burned your house down and killed your family. One of the neighbors said they saw the conductor of your orchestra running away from the area just before the fire broke out." The violinist stopped crying, brightened up, and said in awe, "The conductor came to my house?" How do a flute, a clarinet, and a violin differ? With a clarinet, the air comes out of the clarinetist's mouth and through the clarinet. With a flute, the air comes out of the flutist's mouth and over the mouthpiece. With a violin, the air goes in one ear and out the other. |
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