| String Bass Jokes |
| Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune that his section noticed? How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None; the piano player can do it with his left hand. How many bass players does it take to change a lghtbulb? 1...5...1...(1...4...5...5...1) How do you make a double bass sound in tune? Chop it up and make it into a xylaphone. A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for his first rehearsal of the local chorl society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?" At a rehearsal, the conductor stops to shout at the bass section. "You are out of tune! Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings and says, "Our tuning is correct; all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. All the pegs have to be parallel!" Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a few weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break. Back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe, "You know that bit where the music goes 'BOOM, Boom, Boom, Boom' -- well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time." There was a bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess peoples' IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time. A second man walked in and the soon bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of a big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time. A third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! This guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while." As the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So, do you play French bow or German bow?" A conductor was puttig on a performance of Beethoven's 9th Symphony at eight. Unfortunately, the chorus couldn't be ther until six, so he started rehearsal without them. In the middle of rehearsal, the air conditioning broke, so they brought out huge fans to keep the orchestra cool. This worked, but the conductor's score kept blowing away, so he had to tie it down. During this, the bass section and two cellists decided they had had enough and went to the tavern across the street and got really drunk. In fact, the two cellists never came back. So six-o-clock rolls around and the chorus arrives. By then the air conditioning has been fixed and they continue with the rehearsal. Finally, it was eight and the concert began. The concert almost finished when the air conditioning went out again, so they brought the fans out and the conductor tied his score down. It was very hard to turn the pages while conducting, and he was about to quit because it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, there were two outs, and the fans were going wild. |
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