| 5/2/01-10:55pm - Watching the end of Law and Order Grrrrrr! Boys are so dumb. I cannot believe the kind of asses that I decide might be good for me to date. I mean, come on. How can I convince myself that maybe, just maybe, a UVA frat boy could not be a sleazy POS? Like that is something that would ever happen! It would just be like it actually snowing on x-mas! So I let myself fall for him and what ends up happening? Big drunken fight, me trying drunkenly to make up, him telling me "Don't. It will only make it worse", me crying, me writing a goddamned note saying "I'm sorry I love you", me actually finding a SOBER brother to give it to although I'm totally pissed! Me screwing up capitally once yet again! Oh my god. I'm such a fucking idiot. Get it together D. The question is though, what am I going to do now? I really feel like I should call him and say,"I'm sorry for the way I acted Saturday, I was drunk and even so my behavior was just disgusting." I mean, after all I was the one who picked the fight. Like, who says, "Yeah, I talked to my friend Jen who you apparently hung out with before the DMB concert. She said she didn't like you and that you're a major player and I should dump your sorry ass." and not expect to get into a fight? I don't know though. It was all so weird. On the one hand I feel like it was all my fault. On the other, I hadn't seen him in a month and was it really so wrong of me to ask when I was going to see him again? Was it really so wrong to ask him not to PROMISE me that he would try to see me before he went home? I mean, I know he isn't going to see me before he leaves. I don't want him to promise me something and then break it. Isn't that a reasonible enough request? I just wish he hadn't blocked me on his AIM. Could he be more juvenille? I DON'T THINK SO! Not that I blame him really. The whole note thing was kinda weird and stalkerish. But I was drunk! And I was just trying to fix things(not that that actually went so well...)! Was that really such a crime though? Since when is saying "I love you" a bad thing?! Wait, check that. Saying "I love you" to any frat boy is ALWAYS a bad thing! Clearly they are going to have a problem with any kind of relationship that has any sort of commitment involved! In the words of Bridget, it's all just emotional fuckwittage. Clearly. Well excuse me you lying, cheating, goddamned, SOB for stepping on your toes. Excuse me for actually caring. I never knew it was such a crime. Cool it D. Well all I can say is that because of this whole thing I have just been having the most wonderful fantasies. Picture this: I'm totally smashed and dancing on stage at some frat, getting all down and dirty with some random guy and looking like the sex goddess I am, when who walks in but him(Sean), He sees me and I know it. I see him and he knows it. I turn to Jen and say, "get the girls, there's gonna be a rumble." Jen says, "OK. Wait, aren't you coming?" I'd say, "Nope. B/c I'm the one starting something." At this I'd get off the stage, march straight up to Sean and say all sweet, "Hey babe, I've gotta present for you!" Smile really big and then, DECK HIM! Now tell me, doesn't that seem like the best thing EVER???? Oh god. I really am such a bitch. I just wanna find him, say I'm sorry, and hold him forever and never let him go! What is wrong with me? God i'm a mess. I think I had better just go to bed and see if I'm not better tomorrow. Maybe it's not really me and just the lack of sleep talking...yeah, right, that's it. |
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| 5-3-01- In Computer Lab at school So I was sitting in English, supposed to be teaching this little project play thingy to the class and saw the above poster hanging on the back wall of the classroom. I found myself identifying all to much with the Lady of Shalott. Maybe I and the rest of the world would be better off if I put myself in a barge in the middle of the Moorman's river and starved myself to death. Wouldn't that be so romantic and wonderful! I'm sure that would make Sean feel so wretched and awful and regret everything he did. No, clearly it wouldn't. Clearly it was stupid and should not even have been said! Stupid D! Stupid D! Ugh. Can't believe it. High School is so stupid. Prom, prom, prom. That seems like ALL anyone is talking about right now. "So who are you going with? Who do you want to go with? Is Sean taking you? Oh, why not?" The awnsers to these questions are no one, Sean, no and fuck off because I don't want to talk about it with you, you sanky hoe! LOL. He's right. I am such a bitch. <-Home Next -> |