Straight From the Heart

Chapter 12

Jerry had to get up from the floor. His legs were locking up and he couldn't feel his feet anymore. He didn't know how Jax had been sitting there for the entire afternoon, nearly three hours, and he hadn't moved once. Jax still sat in confused silence, not responding to anything except his own thoughts now. Jerry had been sitting with him for over half an hour. He had to go talk to Brenda, he knew she'd be beyond worried by now.

Jerry headed down the steps and found Brenda sitting in the living room with Jess and Jen. Jen was trying to convince her to let him talk to Jax first. Jess was trying to reassure her that everything was really okay. Now, Jerry wasn't so sure of that. He walked into the room and stood before Brenda while they looked at him expectantly.

"I don't know what to tell you, Brenda. I don't know what's going on." He knew she needed more of an explanation than that. She needed to know what Jax had been doing all afternoon. "Can I talk to you, in private?" He gave Jen an apologetic glance to which she responded with a supportive smile and a nod. She and Jess got up and went into the kitchen, leaving Jerry alone with Brenda.

"Jerry, if you don't tell me what's going on right now, I am going to go upstairs and see for myself," Brenda quietly promised him. She crossed her arms in front of her, but the concern on her face released some of the threat she held.

"I don't know what's going on, Brenda, that's the problem. I have never seen him like this, never. It's like he has shut down completely until he can figure out what to do. He's been sitting in the exact same place for over three hours now. He hasn't moved once this entire time."

"Where is he? What's causing him to do this?" She knew vague answers to both of those questions, but she didn't want vague anymore. She needed specifics. She wanted to help Jax get through this. She just needed to know how.

"He's just sitting in front of the window. He doesn't look out it, he doesn't look at anything. He just sits there, mostly with his head in his arms, thinking."

"Thinking about what, though?"

"I promised I wouldn't tell you. He doesn't want to burden you with it."

"Burden me with it? Why does he think it would burden me? I want to help him. But I can't do that if I don't know what's wrong. I need you to tell me something here, Jerry. I need to know." Tears began to glisten in her eyes. She felt so helpless right now and she knew she couldn't do anything about it.

Jerry hesitated before telling her anything, wondering if Jax would want him to uphold his promise.

"He'd want you to tell me if you thought I could help in any way, you know that," she said, reading his mind.

He hesitated again, but finally decided he had to tell her. Jax needed help and it wasn't anything Jerry could give him. "Brenda, he's so confused right now. He knows what's real now, but he doesn't know what to believe. He knows you're here right now, but he doesn't trust himself to put his faith in the fact that you're going to be here forever. He's afraid of losing you again. He's afraid of losing himself again."

"But doesn't he know I have absolutely no plans of leaving him anytime in the future, ever?"

Jerry nodded. "He does, deep inside of him somewhere, but he's too afraid to trust that. He can't get past the fact that he's lost you so many times already. Brenda, he truly thinks he would die the next time you ever leave him. At least he does right now. I'm not sure how to get him out of this."

Brenda sat down on the couch again. She had no idea that's what this had all been about. If only she'd known…what? What would she have done? She didn't think it would hit him this hard, and now that it had, they didn't know what to do.

"I'm telling you, Brenda, if he hasn't moved from that spot in front of the window by the time I go up there next, I'm going to call someone. I think he needs help."

"Yeah, he does need help, but not from a stranger." She got up and went towards the stairs. "He needs help from me." She didn't know what she was going to say or do, but she needed to say or do something. Jax had to know she was here and she was never going to leave him again.

Jax was so tired. He'd been thinking too long. He glanced around the room, taking in the surroundings for the first time in hours. His towel from his shower was still lying on the floor near the bed where he'd dropped it. The sun had shifted and now wasn't shining into the room, lighting it. The room was growing darker as the sun sank lower and lower in the sky. He hadn't felt hunger or thirst or the pain in his legs for hours now. Really, all it did was send his mind into a thousand new thoughts as he thought about how much time had passed by that day. How much time he'd wasted.

He could have been spending these hours with Brenda, being with her. Instead, he'd spent them alone, thinking about whether or not he should spend that time with her. Maybe if he had, he wouldn't still feel this way. Everything he thought now contradicted everything he'd been thinking before. So many thoughts flew through his head that he thought he actually might go mad at one point. He needed help, or maybe he just thought he did. Maybe all he needed was Brenda.

He was so tired now, so tired of thinking. He thought he would sleep, but then he thought there was no way he could let himself do that. His mind was racing too fast to allow him that luxury. Besides, then he wouldn't see Brenda. But he wasn't seeing her now, either. Every thought he had contradicted the last one! He was going to go out of his mind at this rate.

Jax never heard the door open again or saw Brenda enter the room. He wouldn't have wanted her to see him like this if he had known she was there, but he didn't.

Brenda's eyes began to fill immediately upon seeing Jax sitting on the floor, his back against the window. He had his head on one arm which was across his knees. The other hand was running through his hair with maddening frustration. She could tell just from the way he was sitting that he was struggling to come to grips with everything. Everything about him right now broke her heart. She'd never seen him anywhere near this state ever before.

Cautiously, she approached him without making a sound. She didn't want to disturb him. If she did, he might try to break out of this before he was ready and end up burying everything he was feeling and she didn't want him to do that. She sat beside him and finally put her hand on his shoulder.

Jax knew immediately that this was not Jerry now. The touch was too soft and he'd know that touch anywhere. He jerked his head up to look at her. But before he could muster the strength to fight, he gave in. He was too mentally exhausted to ward her away. She put her arm around his shoulders and he collapsed against her side. He closed his eyes and leaned on her, sighing deeply.

Brenda sat there with him for several minutes before she finally whispered, "Oh, Jax, why won't you talk to me? Please let me in? I want to help you."

Why was he doing this to her? Why couldn't he just accept the fact that she was here, with him? Why did he always want to doubt it? He knew why, but right now, hearing her plea to let him help, none of those reasons made any sense. He was hurting her because he was so unsure of what to do, what to say. No matter how unintentional it was, he was doing this to her and he didn't know how to stop. He wanted to let her help, he just wasn't sure how.

She almost thought he was asleep on her shoulder since he didn't respond to her. But he moved and sat up again, putting his head back down into its position on his arms. He wanted to tell her, but he didn't know what to tell her. If he didn't know what he was feeling, how could he hope to tell her? Finally, he responded to her, "I can't…I just can't…please, don't ask me to right now."

They were the first words he had said since she had come into the room and she had to strain to even hear them so softly. His voice was achingly sad as he said it and he sounded like he was trying to hold back tears.

She just put her arms around him again and held him. For the longest time, they just sat like that. It was beginning to grow dark outside. She realized as she sat with him that he had not only been in the same place for hours on end, but he hadn't eaten anything all day. She knew she had to get him to do something or he was going to make himself physically sick, instead of just heart sick.

Eventually, Brenda knew of only one thing to do. She had seen in his eyes and his demeanor that he was completely exhausted. Everything he had in him was worn out. He wasn't going to eat or drink, he probably wasn't going to allow himself to. Gently, she removed her arms from around him.

Jax immediately felt the loss of her warmth. He lifted his head to look at her with confusion.

She got up to kneel beside him and said, "Come on, Jax, it's time to get up." He didn't look like he understood. "How long have you been sitting there like that?" He looked like he was actually trying to figure that out when she took hold of his hands and smiled slightly. She pulled gently and when he finally began to comply, she got him to his feet.

Jax winced as his knees stretched for the first time in so many hours. His legs had gone way beyond locking up a long time ago. The blood rushed to his head and for a second he felt light-headed and dizzy. He steadied himself and allowed Brenda to lead him wherever she was taking him. She didn't take him far, stopping him at the side of the bed. She slid his never-buttoned shirt off his shoulders and tossed it on the chair close to the bed. Then, she removed his blue jeans. Gently, she pushed him to sit on the bed. He tried to get back up, not wanting to let her out of his sight now that she was here. She held him on the bed until he cooperated, then she pushed him to lie down against the pillows. She kissed his lips softly and turned to leave the room, but he held fast to her hand.

Brenda kneeled beside the bed and looked into Jax's eyes. The bright blue had faded to a color somewhere between gray and green and it was as if a perpetual cloud was in front of them. "Jax, you're exhausted. You need to sleep." He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off. "Please?" He closed his mouth, but refused to close his eyes. She gently ran her hand over his eyes and forced them shut. When she removed them, he opened them again, but there was even more exhaustion in them now. He was literally forcing himself to keep his eyes open. "Jax…" she whispered in gentle admonishment. Again, she ran her hand across his eyes, closing them once more. This time, when she removed her hand, his eyes remained closed as he had drifted off to sleep even in that brief moment. She got up and left the room quietly, leaving him to sleep alone. But not for long, never for long again. She was going to make sure he never slept alone again.

Brenda returned downstairs to find Jerry and send him home. He was in the kitchen talking quietly with Jen. They both looked up as Brenda entered the room.

"How is he?" Jerry asked automatically. He had been hoping Brenda could break through to Jax.

"Pretty much the same, except he's asleep now. I got him to get up and lie down and he fell asleep almost immediately."

"Well, you did better than me," Jerry smiled slightly. "I couldn't even get him off the floor."

She looked at Jen and then at Jess who was sitting at the table. "I'm sorry, you guys. You've been here all day and you've been great. I guess things didn't turn out the way we'd expected, huh?"

Jess spoke up first, "It's okay. Just as long as you know that we're here if you need any help. Anything at all."

Brenda smiled and went over to her friend to give her a hug. "Thank you," was all she said, but it was enough.

Jerry seemed to realize that they couldn't do anything more for them this evening. He cleared his throat and said, "We should probably be going." Jen and Jess nodded quickly and went through the swinging door to retrieve their purses from the front hall. Jerry took advantage of the privacy to say, "Take care of him, Brenda. He needs you so much right now."

Brenda stood on her toes and kissed his cheek, giving him a hug, as well. "I'll try. Thank you, Jerry, for everything you've done today."

"I'm only doing my job," he smiled.

Brenda followed him through the door to say goodbye to the three of them at the elevators. She gave them as brave a smile as she could gather and then closed the door slowly. She leaned against it heavily and sighed. Now, she really didn't know what to do.

She walked back up the steps to the bedroom where Jax lay in a restless sleep. He was shaking his head from side to side periodically and every once in awhile, he would moan in protest to something. His hands clutched wildly at the sheets that barely covered his boxer-clad body. His legs quickly became entangled in them as he moved about.

Jax was dreaming. Even in sleep, he couldn't escape the decisions he'd become faced with. He was standing in a stark white, barren room. The only things in the room were two doors. Instinctively, he knew that these two doors represented the two choices he had right now. If he chose one door, he could live in a world that promised him everything, Brenda and his life back again. If he chose the other door, he would lose Brenda and his life would be destroyed. There was only one problem. He didn't know which door led to which fate. He stood in the middle of the room, looking between the doors, back and forth, one at a time. He was hoping there was something that would tell him which one he wanted to choose. But there was nothing, no clues at all. He knew he only had so much time to decide, but he couldn't force himself to make the decision. He couldn't choose between a future so promising and one so desolate. As his options raced through his mind, he felt himself sink to his knees on the floor. He put his head in his hands. He couldn't choose, he wouldn't make that choice. Suddenly, there was a voice commanding him to make his choice. He only had a little bit of time and both options would be taken from him, replaced with one far worse than he could ever imagine. Still, he couldn't choose. No! he yelled at the voice. NO! I won't do it! No, No, No!

Brenda heard him muttering something as he began to thrash violently in the bed. His voice was growing louder with each word.

"NO!" Jax shouted as he bolted upright. His eyes searched wildly for something, anything, in the room.

Brenda was jolted into action at his shout. She ran to his side and sat next to him, but he was unaware. He was still asleep, though he didn't appear so. His chest was heaving as he gasped for breath. Without acknowledging her presence, he lay back down and curled into a ball. He continued to shake his head and protest. His entire body was trembling as if he were shivering from cold. She pulled the sheets from the edge of the bed where they had fallen and drew them up around him. His eyes were once again closed tightly and his breathing was beginning to slow as he started to fall back into a deep sleep.

Slowly, she got up from the bed and undressed, putting on his pajama top again. She carefully climbed into the bed with him and slid next to him. She wrapped her arms around his chest, buried her head into his neck, and fell into an exhausted sleep with him.

Something was wrapped around him and it was preventing him from moving. It wasn't a sheet and before he became fully aware, he had no idea what it was. Finally, he felt along the length of whatever it was. His fingers interlocked almost automatically with the ones he came to. He knew that hand, he knew this person. He shifted to lay on his back, never breaking the contact he held with her. He remembered everything that had happened in the last two days all at once. None of it seemed to matter now that he was waking up to find her in his arms. If all of his doubts before had rested on the fact that he would never have this again, they were gone now. He knew now, as he watched her sleeping with her head on his chest, that no matter what he did, he had to have her. No matter what pain it brought them, he had to be with her. With her, now, he was sure they could weather any storm.

It was like something in his head was finally lifting the cloud that had overcome him the day before. He knew what he wanted, what he needed, and all of it was lying right next to him. There was nothing in this world that he needed more than the beauty he had beside him. As he thought now, he couldn't remember how he could have ever thought differently. He just had to stop planning and thinking for the worst to happen.

Easier said than done. Already, his thoughts were racing again with doubt and fear of the unknown future they had. But he was gaining perspective now. He knew that it wasn't completely hopeless. Maybe there was a way he could prevent her from leaving him again. He knew there was never a sure way, but maybe there was something he could do.

Suddenly, he thought of something that might make it all a little easier to hold onto. He'd done it before. He could do it again, he was sure of it. He just needed to make sure he wasn't going to lose her.

 

Chapter 13

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