Straight From the Heart

Chapter 11

An hour and a half had gone by and still, Jerry hadn't heard a sound from the bedroom. He didn't think Jax was still asleep, but he supposed it was possible. He got up from the couch in the living room where he was reading the newspaper and walked up the steps to the bedroom. He pushed open the door after knocking softly three times.

Brenda looked up at the opening door and saw Jerry come through it. She smiled at him and held a finger to her lips, indicating Jax was still asleep. She was sitting against the headboard of the bed and Jax's head was pillowed in her lap, on her legs. He had one arm wrapped around her protectively as he slept. She was running her fingers through his hair methodically, smoothing it away from his face.

Jerry smiled at the sight as he realized he had prayed for this to happen some day. But two years ago he'd given up the hope when he was forced to accept that Brenda was not coming back. And then she had, and it was a miracle sent from above, in his opinion. Jax looked like he was sleeping peacefully for the first time in a very long time. He tiptoed over to the side of the bed and leaned down to give Brenda a kiss on the cheek. Before he straightened up, he whispered, "I'm going to go home. You guys don't need me here anymore right now. The calls have been forwarded to the office so you won't be disturbed. But call me when he wakes up."

Brenda nodded silently in response and smiled. After the door closed again, she gazed down at Jax sleeping soundly. Hours could go by unnoticed and she wouldn't even blink. By the time he woke, in fact, hours had passed. She hadn't realized how much he'd needed to relax, calm down, and sleep. Two hours had gone by since Jerry left and the entire time, Brenda had been watching Jax sleep in her lap. She felt as though she could watch him for days on end.

But, he had begun to stir just as she noticed the clock telling her it was nearly 11:00 in the morning. She'd been awake for five hours, having not slept much the night before, and Jax had been asleep for three and a half hours since the events of the morning. He'd slept soundly with barely any movement.

She heard him take a deep breath and felt him move his head slightly before he opened his eyes. His hand moved on her leg and she could tell he was a little bit confused again. Before he could react, she moved her hands back to his hair and began to stroke it back from his forehead as she had before. He turned to face her, blinking the sleep from his eyes.

"I swear, it is going to take a long time to get used to this again," he said softly, almost on the verge of thinking it a dream again. But before he could, he remembered what had happened that morning.

"For me, too," she responded.

Jax propped himself up on one elbow and faced her. He just wanted to look at her in the daylight and know she wasn't another one of his dreams. He kept his hand on her leg to reassure himself that she was, in fact, real flesh next to him. Brenda reached a hand down and took his, playing absently with his fingers.

"Do you realize how often I have dreamed about this happening?" he asked as emotion began to well up in his eyes and voice. A flicker of pain passed through her eyes and it didn't go unnoticed by Jax. "I never thought it would be possible for me to be doing exactly what I'm doing right now."

"And what is that, exactly?" she smiled slightly.

"Lying here, in bed, with you next to me." He sat up and took her in his arms. "God, Brenda, for three years, this was all I ever wanted from my life. If I couldn't have anything else, I just wanted you back." He smiled at her and then he took her face between his hands, caressing her cheeks with his thumbs.

Gently, he pulled her towards him and touched his lips to hers. The kiss started softly and tenderly, and it soon became filled with all the sweet emotion they'd both been feeling.

Brenda finally broke the kiss when the tears that she'd been holding in check came to her eyes and overflowed. All of the tenderness and sweetness in the kiss had reminded her. Reminded her that she had not felt the same kind of pain that he had for the last years. Reminded her that she was the unintentional cause of the pain he had felt.

Jax realized she was crying and pulled her close to him. "Brenda, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" He looked into her face. "Those are not happy tears. I know happy tears, and those are not them. What's wrong?"

She shook her head and answered, "I can't help it, Jax. I want to know what you felt, the pain you went through, but I just can't. I have no idea the things you went through because I didn't go through the same thing. I mean, what happened this morning should tell you that. You were afraid of me, Jax. You were afraid to believe in me. And I put that doubt in your mind, no matter how unintentionally or how much I couldn't have prevented it."

Jax sighed. He pulled away from her and forced her to look into his eyes. "Brenda, listen to me. This morning had nothing to do with you. I mean, not really you. I…" he hesitated as he tried to think of what to say. "I can't explain it really. This whole thing is too good to be true and I think I convinced myself of that, obviously, I did. I didn't think there was any way you could have really come back to me."

"But I was here, and I was next to you," she was just confused and didn't know what to say.

"I know, sweetie, I know. But you have to understand what it was like-"

"That's just it, Jax! I don't understand what it was like. There I was, for three years, living my own life. I had no idea what I was doing to you when I wasn't here. I didn't even miss you, I didn't even know you were here to miss! You were here suffering by yourself! And it was my fault! I promised not to leave you and then I did. And you were left here alone." She was crying again. She didn't even really know what she was trying to tell him. She only knew that she felt responsible for the pain he had suffered all those years by himself.

Jax shook his head. "Brenda, I know why you weren't here. It was not your fault. No one, least of all me, blames you! It is not about who suffered what. It is about the fact that you are here now, and you're with me now. That's all that matters." He wiped away her tears with his fingers. "And I was not alone. I had Jerry, and my parents, and, most of all, I had you. No matter what I did, I always had you. Some of the darkest times of my life have been during the last couple years, but the one thing I always remembered was how much I loved you, how much I do love you." He couldn't explain to her what he'd felt that morning. He wasn't sure, himself. He needed time before he could sort through those feelings and she wouldn't understand yet. He couldn't subject her to that just yet. He needed time by himself first.

She realized he was skirting all talk of what had happened earlier in the day. She didn't want to push him to talk about it, knowing if he wanted to, he would talk. But she knew that most likely, he wouldn't talk to her about it yet and she was okay with that. She started to get up from the bed to go call Jerry, but Jax stopped her and pulled her back.

"Where are you going?" he asked as he put his arms around her and pulled her down onto the bed with him.

"I promised Jerry I would call him when you woke up. I think he wanted to talk to you." She laughed as she fell back into his arms.

A cloud passed through his eyes as he knew exactly what Jerry wanted to talk about and then it cleared. "Jerry can wait. He'll just think I'm not awake yet, right?" Brenda nodded. "Good," he grinned.

Jax lowered his lips to her again as he pulled her to him. Instinctively, her arms wound around his neck and her fingers went into his hair. Passion overtook them and Jax was quickly undoing the buttons of the shirt she was wearing, slipping it past her shoulders and throwing it on the floor. He made quick work of her jeans, as well. Suddenly, the pace slowed and tenderness crept back in. They wanted to enjoy this time like they had no other. They made the sweetest love either of them ever thought possible.

In the aftermath, Brenda lay with her head on his chest as their heart rates slowed to a normal pace. She was enjoying every second of being with him and she was praying that she would never have to find out what her life would be like if she lost him again.

Jax closed his eyes for a moment and was surprised to find that he opened them an hour later and Brenda was gone from his arms. He didn't panic when he immediately heard sounds coming from downstairs. He ran a hand through his hair and sat up. It was afternoon already, but he didn't care. He grabbed his boxer shorts from the floor and went downstairs to where he knew Brenda was up to something.

He smiled when he heard the noises coming from the general direction of the kitchen. He just hoped she wasn't trying to cook anything. He entered the kitchen and was surprised to see nearly a full-blown party before him. Jerry, Jen, and Jess were all busy helping Brenda put things on plates and put them on the table.

Jerry caught sight of him in the doorway. "Well, it's good to see you dressed for the occasion, Jax." His loud voice got the attention of the three women and they turned to see Jax in the door.

"It's good to see you make yourself right at home, Jerry," he retorted. Then, he smiled quickly at Brenda, turned around, and ran up the steps to change into something more appropriate for the apparent impromptu lunch party.

Jax had showered in near-record time and he was putting on his shirt when something out the window of the bedroom caught his eye. He went over to look out and see what it was. It turned out to be just a boat passing through the river, but it was in the second that he reached the window that something changed.

Brenda looked at her watch and noticed Jax had been upstairs for a long time. He'd given the impression he was just going to shower and change and he'd be back within fifteen minutes or so. That had been over half an hour ago. She'd heard the water turn off in the shower twenty minutes before and she knew it didn't take this long for him to get dressed and come downstairs.

Jerry saw her look at her watch and got up from his chair where he was sitting next to Jen. "I'll go get him, Brenda," he volunteered. He ran up the steps to the bedroom quickly.

When Jerry entered the bedroom, he was surprised to see Jax dressed in blue jeans and an untucked and unbuttoned dark blue button-down silk shirt, standing at the window. He was looking out at something and one hand was on the window pane. Then, he saw Jax lean his head onto the arm up on the window and bow his head. A quick lift of his shoulders made Jerry think he was trying to hold something back.

"Jax? Are you okay?" Jerry asked as he entered the room and approached his brother.

Jax sighed and after a few seconds, responded, "I'm fine, Jerry, just give me a few minutes."

His words contradicted his tone and Jerry didn't leave. Something was bothering Jax now and something told Jerry he wanted to talk about it, but he wasn't sure what to say to anyone. Jerry put a hand on Jax's shoulder and then walked away a step and sat in a chair nearby.

Jerry was right. Jax was thinking about something and he didn't know what to do. It wasn't like that morning when he'd been so confused. Now, it was more like he knew what was real, but he didn't know if he could trust it to stay that way. When he'd come over to the window, he'd suddenly remembered all the nights he'd stood in front of that window, thinking about Brenda and wishing she was there. He'd always promised the stars that he hadn't given up the dream that she was still alive somewhere. But he knew now, as he thought about it, that he had accepted the fact that she wouldn't be returning to him. It was something he had to force himself to deal with and he'd finally come to terms with it, no matter how hard it was to do. And now, as he stood here in the same position as those many nights, he wasn't sure he could trust the fates to not do it to him again. She'd been taken from him before, so couldn't she be taken again? He just knew he'd never survive that again. He felt Jerry put his hand on his shoulder and he knew he was still in the room, but he wasn't sure he could talk about it with him.

Jerry broke the silence again by saying, "Jax, talk to me. Tell me what is wrong."

Jax shook his head slowly while it was still on his arm. "I can't, Jer."

Jerry could tell something was hurting Jax, but he didn't have a clue what it was. "Try," he gently urged.

Jax sighed and finally turned around. He slid down the window and sat on the floor in front of it. He folded his arms across his knees and put his head down again. When he looked up at Jerry, there were new tears forming in his eyes. "I just don't know what to think, Jer."

Jerry leaned forward in the chair. "About what?"

"About Brenda, of course. My heart says one thing and my head say another, and I don't know which trust."

"What do you mean?"

"I know, in my heart, that I love her with my entire being and that will never change. But my head keeps telling me that I've lost her before. I could lose her again. I can't do that. You saw what it did to me last time. I won't survive if it happens again. I won't." He put his head back down on his knees.

"Jax, you're just scared, so is she, you know. You cannot live your life in fear of the unknown. Yes, you might lose her again, but she might lose you, too. Anything could happen to either one of you tomorrow."

"That's not what I'm talking about, Jerry." Jax sighed deeply and wiped his hand across his face wearily.

"Then what is it?"

A knock on the door interrupted them and Jerry sprang to his feet to meet whoever was on the other side before she could enter. He was through the door and standing in front of Brenda before she could even react. He swiftly closed the door behind him before she could see into the room, as well.

"Jerry, what's going on? Is something wrong with Jax?" she wasn't panicked, but she didn't like the way Jerry was acting. She was almost afraid Jax was going through a repeat of that morning, but she knew that was highly unlikely.

"Um…no, nothing's wrong, really. Jax is just…well, he's just…" Jerry searched for the right words so that she wouldn't overreact.

"He's what?" She crossed her arms in front of her and waited for an answer.

"Just give us a few minutes, all right? We'll be down in a little while, I promise," he begged her with his eyes not to ask anymore questions. He didn't want to compromise Jax right now.

"Okay, but Jerry, I want to know if something is wrong." She turned back to him before she descended the stairs and gave him a pointed look.

Jerry opened the door and went back into the room. Jax was still seated in front of the window with his fingers steepled against his forehead. Jerry sat back down in the chair across from his brother. "So, what is it, Jax?"

Jax took a few moments before answering. "I'm just afraid to put too much faith in the fact that she's here. The fates have not been kind to us up until now. I'm just so afraid to lose her again," his voice broke and he blinked several times to prevent tears from falling.

Jerry reached out and put his hand on Jax's knee. "I know you're afraid, Jax. But you cannot live your life like this. You have been given the most amazing gift and you have got to take it and never let go. You can't let this pass you just because you're afraid to have it all again. Brenda is here now and she is yours. Yes, someday down the road, she may leave you again, for whatever reason, there's no telling. But until that happens, love her, Jax. Love her like you've never loved her before. Don't be afraid and don't let go. After everything that has happened, you cannot give her up voluntarily."

"I know, I know you're right, Jerry," he opened his eyes and ran a hand through his blond hair, frustrated with himself. But when he looked up at his older brother, none of his conviction showed in his eyes. "I just can't do it…" his voice trailed off.

"Does this have something to do with this morning, Jax?"

He didn't answer for a long time and then finally, he nodded slowly. "I don't know what happened. I was just so afraid to believe she was real, you know? I woke up and she wasn't there and it was all like a dream. I've had that dream before, you know that. And I just lost it. It had felt so real then. And I know now that's because it was real, but at the time, none of that mattered. I just couldn't let myself believe she was there when I looked up and saw her. I remembered how it always turned out the last times. You remember that, I know you do. I couldn't go through that again, not this time, not after it all felt like it did."

"You were afraid-"

"Afraid?" Jax broke in bitterly, nearly laughing. "No, I was more than afraid. I was terrified that she might not be real again. And I knew that if she turned out to be just another one of my dreams, I wasn't going to make it. I'm telling you, I would have been gone, right then and there. And nothing and no one would have been able to stop me."

"Jax, you can't mean that."

"I can't? How can you be so sure? Why else would I have done that? Reacted the way I did? Scared her the way I did? I couldn't handle it if I found out that she wasn't really there."

"But she is real and she's right downstairs, waiting for you to come down and see her. And you have to take that, Jax. Take that and run. Stop looking to the past and face your fear, your fear of losing her. And don't lose her. You cannot do this to yourself. It will destroy you if you keep looking around the corner everywhere you go. No one can predict the future, Jax, no one, least of all you. If this has taught you anything, it's taught you that. You have another chance. You have been given a gift and you have to take it."

Jax sat silent for a long time after Jerry had finished speaking. Jerry noticed that more than a few minutes had gone by and Brenda would probably be back up in another minute or so if he didn't stop her. He got up and crouched in front of Jax. "Jax, I'm going to leave you alone now. Just think about what I said." Jax looked up at him and said everything he needed with his eyes. "Don't worry, nothing that just happened here will leave this room, I promise." When Jax looked away again, he got up and went downstairs.

Brenda was sitting in the kitchen with Jess and Jen. They were making idle talk while they waited for the two men to come downstairs. As soon as she saw him enter, Brenda was on her feet and looking for Jax. When she noticed Jax wasn't behind him, she looked questioningly at Jerry.

"Jax will be down in a little while," he said, by way of explanation.

"Jerry," Brenda said slowly, "you would tell me if something was wrong, right?"

"Of course, I would," he responded immediately. "But nothing is wrong. Jax just needs some time to himself right now. He'll be down soon." The truth was Jerry wasn't sure when Jax would appear. There was so much confusion in his head to think through right now.

Jax was replaying everything from that day in his head again. He had his head bowed, propped on his folded arms, and his eyes closed. He tried to remember everything that had happened and tried to focus on what Brenda had done. He'd truly scared her and he hadn't wanted to or meant to. To add to everything else, now he felt awful about having done that. She didn't deserve to be a victim of any of this. She was the miracle of all of this.

He wanted so much to just put his faith in fate and go with it. He wanted to run downstairs, put his arms around Brenda, and never let go. He wanted to do everything Jerry told him to do. He wanted to let go of this fear.

But he couldn't do it. He'd lost her so many times, more times than he deserved. Once to Sonny, maybe even twice to Sonny with her breakdown, once to himself when he wouldn't let himself love her, and the most final one of all. The most final of all that suddenly wasn't so final. So maybe that wasn't the real chance, maybe that wasn't the big one. Maybe he was supposed to get her back, just to lose her again. This time for real. This time permanently. He knew without a doubt in his mind that he could not go through it again. He would never make it, like he told Jerry.

His faith had led him astray before. Could he trust it again? This time with what he knew would be his life?

"Jerry, something is wrong," Brenda said an hour later when Jax still had not reappeared and they had finished and cleaned up the late lunch.

"Brenda, just trust me, okay? He will be okay. He just needs time to himself to figure all this out. He's kind of having a hard time with it all." He couldn't say too much without breaking his promise to Jax that he wouldn't say a word.

"But why? I just don't understand it." She thought he'd be happy, overjoyed, by all of it. She didn't think he'd withdraw into complete solitude.

"It's kind of like he's so extremely happy that you've returned, but at the same time, he doesn't know what to believe. He is just really confused and he's trying to straighten it all out in his head," Jerry tried to explain.

"But by himself? Why won't he let me help him?"

"Because that's how he is. It's what he needs to do right now. I don't know why." Jerry tried to reassure her, but even he was getting worried about Jax now. "If you want me to, I'll go check on him again."

"If you think it would help him," she really didn't know what to do or have Jerry do. She'd never dealt with this before, neither had Jerry, and most importantly, neither had Jax.

He got up to go check on Jax again. He walked slowly up the steps and knocked softly on the door. He didn't hear a response, but he pushed the door open anyway, closing it behind him again. Jax was still seated on the floor in front of the window, his arms on his knees and his head down.

Jerry went to kneel in front of him. He placed a hand on Jax's arm to get his attention. Slowly, Jax lifted his head to meet Jerry's eyes. Immediately, Jerry's heart sank. Jax's eyes were rimmed in red and so tired, but the most noticeable thing about them was the confusion that just could not be lifted. Jerry looked at him carefully for a minute and then did the only thing he could think of. He sat down next to Jax and put his arm around his shoulder. Jax leaned his head on him and closed his eyes once more. Jerry didn't know what to do to help his little brother. For the first time in all his taking care of Jax, he was truly helpless to know what to do.

 

Chapter 12

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