If I Recall

Chapter 6

The hot water in the shower was turning colder as Jax stood beneath it.  He remained in disbelief that he would have done such a thing with Brenda.  There was no other reason than the amnesia and his illness, he decided.  It had to mean nothing because he had been somewhat incapacitated when he made the decision.  There was no denying that he had been feeling a very strong attraction for her ever since he had woken up on the floor in front of the fireplace.  Now he knew why.  It had never left him and he had just acted on it out of foolishness.  He realized he was only trying to convince himself of that and even he didn't believe it. 

Heaving a deep sigh, he turned the water off and stepped out of the shower.  He dressed in his silk pajama pants that had been in his duffle bag and climbed back into the bed.  Regardless of what he was thinking, he was too tired to analyze it for long.  He'd deal with it all later.  He pulled the covers around his shoulders, turned away from the door, and fell asleep quickly.

Brenda was doing some thinking of her own, but it was not the same as Jax's thinking.  She was trying to figure out what their actions would mean for them now.  She knew Jax had been in a different mindset than normal when they'd been together, but she couldn't help but wonder if everything was about to change for them.  She desperately wanted things to change and for the better. 

She loved Jax and she wanted to be with him again, but she knew that as soon as he remembered everything, he'd be angry or upset or at the very least, disappointed.  She knew he'd have regrets and probably wouldn't want to change anything because of it.  He'd claim that it was just his illness or the amnesia and that nothing was different between them.  She was so afraid that he would hate her still.  She needed to change his mind.

The water in the bathroom shut off after it had been going for nearly forty-five minutes.  She wondered if Jax was going to go back to sleep or if he was awake now.  Getting up off the couch to check, she went into the bedroom and found him asleep again under the covers.  His hair was damp from the shower, she could see, and he was curled on his side facing away from her.  She went back into the other room and tried to occupy her time in some way.

Jax opened his eyes and as soon as he woke up a little more, he was bombarded with the impact of his actions from before.  There was no way he could escape it and no way he could avoid having to deal with it.  He lay still for a long time, thinking.

"Brenda?" he called.  "Brenda, are you home?"  He came in the door of the penthouse and was met with silence.  She was supposed to be there, he was supposed to meet her here before they went to dinner with Ned and Lois.  He placed his briefcase on the desk next to the door and went to search for her.

He got into the bedroom before he finally found Brenda.  She was curled up in a ball on the bed, crying.  Sobbing, really.  He was afraid there was something seriously wrong and he ran to the bed, gathering her in his arms immediately.

"Brenda, what's wrong?  Please tell me, what's wrong?" he pleaded softly, worrying even more when she started crying even harder. 

He held her for nearly a half an hour before her tears started to subside.  He had stopped trying to talk to her since every time he opened his mouth, she cried harder.  She hadn't spoken one word to him yet and he was seriously worried about what might be wrong.  Finally, she pushed away from his chest and wiped the tears from her face.

"Brenda, will you tell me what happened?  Please?"  He wasn't going to push her, but he needed to know, to put his mind at ease.

She tried to smile a little bit and ease his concern.  It didn't work, the attempt was too futile.  "I'm sorry, Jax.  I don't know what got into me."

He could tell she was covering something from him, but decided she would tell him when the time came.  They dressed for dinner and met Lois and Ned downstairs in the restaurant.

That was the start of it all, Jax thought.  It was the day before she told him what really happened.  He supposed because the guilt got to her too much.  She needed to get it off her chest or whatever her reason was for breaking his heart. 

He threw back the covers on the bed and sat up.  He was feeling fine now, but he definitely didn't want to see Brenda right now.  If he could, he'd avoid her for the rest of the time they were stranded, but he knew that was impossible.  They'd have this out and they'd have to come to some kind of reason or decision about it.  He got up and walked the length of the room a few times before sitting in the window seat and gazing out the window.  He drew his legs up in front of him, resting his arms on his knees.  As his eyes adjusted to the dark outdoors, he could see the snow still falling softly.  Leaning his still warm forehead against the window, he thought again.

He was sitting at the desk chair by the window reading a contract for work when Brenda burst into the penthouse apartment.  She looked angry about something, but he didn't have a clue what.  She threw her purse on the table in front of the doorway and looked around the room quickly.  Apparently, she didn't see him watching her from the side of the room.

"Jax!  Jax, are you here?" her voice was loud and upset.

He figured she must be angry with him about something, but still, he didn't know what.  He got up from the desk and went over in front of the picture window.  "I'm right here, Brenda," he said calmly, though slightly nervous about what was going on.  "Did you need me for something?"

"Need you for something?  Yes, I need you for something!  I need you to give me some answers and I need them right now!"

Okay, so she was angry with him.  "Answers about what?  What are you talking about?"  He was trying to think of anything he might have said or done that she would get this upset about.  He didn't come up with anything out the ordinary.

"I want to know how you could do it.  How could you do that to me?  And not tell me it happened?  I trusted you!"  She was yelling now and he was trying to get her to control her temper.  He came into the center of the room by the fireplace.

"I don't have any idea what you are talking about, Brenda!"  He was starting to lose his patience now.  As far as he was concerned, she was shouting at him for no apparent reason.  "And as far as I know, you can still trust me."

It seemed to infuriate her that he didn't know what she was referring to.  She paced back and forth a few times before coming to a stop directly in front of him.  She took a few deep breaths before speaking.  "I talked to her, Jax.  She told me what happened between you two.  And you have the audacity to stand here and deny it happened!  You disgust me!" she shouted before she turned to walk away from him.

He grabbed her wrist and held it tightly to prevent her from moving away from him.  "Brenda, stop!  Will you calm down please?  I don't have any idea what you are talking about!  I swear, I don't!  You talked to who?  She told you what?  WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" he finally lost his cool and yelled the last question.  He was not going to have his fiancée getting this angry at him for no reason.

Brenda wrenched her arm free from his grip and stared at him for a few seconds.  Her dark brown eyes were cold and hard and she crossed her arms in front of her.  "I am talking about Miranda, Jax.  Miranda Jameson, surely you remember her?"

He blinked.  That was the last thing he had expected her to say.  But he was still confused.  What did Miranda have to do with any of this?  "Yes, of course I know who Miranda is.  I've done business with her several times."  It was true.  She was a frequent business partner of his and he had just dealt with her recently in acquiring a large company.

"Right, business.  Is that what you're calling it these days?" she said sarcastically.

"It is when that's what we do," he paused for a few seconds as he finally understood what might be going on.  "What exactly are you accusing me of, Brenda?"  He thought he knew, but he needed her to say it.

"She told me, Jax.  I don't know why she felt it was necessary, but she told me."

"And what did she tell you?"  He crossed his arms in front of him and stared down at her.

"You really want me to have to say it?  Fine, I'll tell you what she told me.  She told me that you slept with her--"

"WHAT?!"

She continued.  "--How the last 'business' trip you took wasn't just business.  It was more of a, shall I say, pleasure trip?  She even went into detail for me, Jax.  Would you like to hear more of what she told me?"

"No," he said quietly. 

She was surprised that he wasn't adamantly denying it.  "Does that mean it's true?"

"No," he said again.  "It is not true."

"I don't believe you." But her eyes belied her statement. 

Her voice wavered and he knew she was doubting her conviction.  He didn't react.  He remained calm and collected.  "Believe what you will, Brenda, but know this.  I have never, I repeat, never cheated on you.  I have never even considered doing so, least of all with Miranda.  If you would take the word of another woman instead of my word, then I guess I don't know you as well as I thought I did."  He kept his tone quiet and calm without the slightest hint of emotion in it.

Brenda watched him for a few seconds.  "Then I guess you don't know me," she said coldly.

He turned on his heel and walked out the penthouse door, grabbing his keys on the way.  He closed the door softly and resolutely.  As he pressed the button for the elevator, he heard her break down into tears beyond the door.  He resisted the urge to go to her, instead getting on the elevator and pressing the lobby button.

They'd come to an understanding after that.  For almost a week, things were strained and he slept in the guest bedroom, trying to avoid her, as she did him.  The first time they spoke after that was to make dinner plans with Ned and Lois, the night he found her crying on the bed.  He couldn't resist trying to help her and comfort her when he'd found her so dissolved in tears. 

He'd come to realize just how much he needed her in his life.  It was like he was half a person without her near him.  He subsisted, but he didn't live.  Even for a week, he knew how it would feel if they didn't resolve this between them.  He knew that what didn't kill them would make them stronger, it always had before.  But she killed them.

Jax sighed and wiped away the single tear that was making its way down his cheek as he thought.  It was painful to realize just exactly what had torn them apart.  This was the first time he'd ever taken the time to really think about it.  He'd always just pushed it out of his mind before.  He kept his feelings inside and threw himself into his work.  He'd worked himself too hard, as Monica Quartermaine had told him.  It had just been too difficult to deal with losing her, he hadn't wanted to.  He'd avoided going anywhere she might be, passing anywhere that made him think of her, and thinking of her altogether.  He'd even stopped talking to Ned as often because Lois and Brenda were such good friends.  And just when he'd gone to get away from her, he'd run right smack into her again.

Brenda slowly pushed the bedroom door open to check on Jax once more and found him in the window seat, watching the snow fall.  She walked over to him silently and put her hand on his shoulder.  He jumped slightly at the touch, but didn't turn to face her.  "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.  How are you feeling?"  She remained behind him cloaked in darkness.

"Fine," he said vaguely.  He propped his head on one of his hands, keeping his gaze out the window.

She picked up on his mood and wondered what was wrong.  She sat down on the edge of the seat across from him.  Placing a hand on his, she asked, "Would you like anything? Food or water?"

Jax moved his hand from hers and placed it on his arm.  He didn't want to look at her.  He didn't want to talk to her.  He needed to think by himself for awhile.  He shook his head slightly.  His movement was not lost on her.  She knew he was upset about something.  Brenda sat for a few minutes, trying to figure him out.  Seeing that she wasn't going to leave him until he said something more than one word, he sighed.  He slowly turned his head to her and looked in her eyes before he turned away.  He hadn't wanted to see what was in her eyes.  It was a mixture of confusion and concern and he'd seen it before.  He'd seen it often and all it did was bring back even more memories.  He turned his head resolutely back to the window.

A few long minutes passed in silence before Jax finally said, "Brenda, can I have some time, please?"  His voice was soft and vague.  It wasn't a criticism or an insult, merely a request.

"Oh, sure, Jax," she apologized.  "I'm sorry.  Let me know if you need anything."  She got up and left him quietly, patting his shoulder once before she exited the room.  He didn't turn to look at her again.

Damn, he'd asked her to leave again.  He knew it wasn't the same, but it seemed to be all he did to her.  He couldn't see her, couldn't think about her.  He didn't want to remember just how much he still loved her.  And he did love her, more than his own life.  It hurt him every day to know that he had asked her to leave.  But he'd had to do it, he knew that.  AT the time, there had been no other choice.  He just wished it hadn't had to be that way.

He opened the penthouse door and overheard Brenda on the phone with someone.  She sounded frantic, desperate.  He wondered immediately what was wrong.  He wondered if it had anything to do with the way he'd found her the night before, crying on the bed. 

"I've made the biggest mistake of my life, Lo.  He'll never forgive me for it," she said into the phone.  Her voice was hoarse as if she had been crying again.

He didn't want to make her think he was eavesdropping so he closed the door loudly.  She turned immediately and her face paled.  Quickly, she hung up the phone.  "Jax!  Hi, when did you get home?" she asked desperately.

"Just now.  What's wrong, Brenda?" he didn't like the tone she'd had before and he could tell bad news was imminent.

"Um, how much of that did you hear?"

"Not enough apparently.  What won't I forgive?"  He wanted to laugh it off, to think it was some kind of exaggeration she was prone to.  But there was a sinking feeling beginning in his stomach and he knew it wasn't good.

Almost instantly, tears sprang to her eyes.  Within seconds, they were streaming down her face as she stood before him.  "I'm sorry, Jax," she whispered.  "I'm so sorry."

He knew it.  He moved over to the couch in the middle of the room and sat on the edge of the arm.  "Why, Brenda?  What did you do?"  It couldn't be that bad, he thought.  Please, don't let it be that bad.

She shook her head mournfully.  "I can't, I can't tell you."

He reached for one of her hands tenderly.  He placed his other hand under her chin and lifted her head to look at him.  "Sweetie, listen to me.  Whatever it is, it can't be that bad.  Just, please, trust me.  Tell me what happened."

Her tears turned to sobs as soon as he asked for her trust.  "Oh, Jax, don't you see?  That's the problem.  I didn't trust you.  And I should have.  I should have trusted you."

His confusion was spreading more rapidly.  "What is this about, Brenda?"

"Miranda," she said softly, so softly he barely heard it.

He dropped her hand and got up off the couch arm in a swift movement.  He strode to the window and stood in front of it.  "What about her?" he asked coldly.  He didn't want to go through this again.

"I know you didn't sleep with her, Jax," Brenda said, trying to reassure him a little.

He turned from the window.  "I told you I didn't when you asked me about it."

She sighed.  "I know, I know, and I should have trusted you.  But, Jax, I was so angry…and I was so hurt.  I wasn't thinking straight."  She sat down where he had been sitting before.

"What are you saying?" he asked, dreading the answer.

She began so softly he had to step closer to hear her.  "I-I messed up, Jax.  I'm so sorry.  I don't know what I was thinking, I don't know why I did it.  I don't know, I don't know, I don't know," she wailed as she began to cry again.

He wanted to comfort her, but something was stopping him.  It was the awful feeling in his gut that told him she really had done something truly unforgivable.  "What did you do, Brenda?" he asked again.

Finally, she knew she had to admit it.  "That night, after you left, I went out.  I went to Luke's and I saw Miranda there.  She told me again how she had been with you so many times and how wonderful you were.  I don't know if it was the alcohol I drank or the pain I felt or whatever it was.  Oh God, Jax, I am so sorry," she whispered again.  Her voice broke as she choked out the words.  "I went home with another man.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I was thinking you had betrayed me so I was going to get you back, hurt you as deeply, I suppose.  I don't know, maybe it was seeing Miranda and having her rub it in.  Maybe I was just drunk, but I don't know.  Jax, I am so sorry.  You have no idea.  You've got to believe me, it was the biggest mistake of my life.  I will regret it forever."  She had rushed the words together to make sure he didn't get a chance to interrupt.  When she finally stopped, she buried her head in her hands and sobbed.

He was standing at the window while she confessed to him.  As he listened to her cry, he sat in the desk chair by the window.  He stared motionless out the window, refusing to look at her.  He felt as if someone had knocked the wind out of him and he couldn't breathe.  He was forcing himself not to get angry, not to cry, not to punch the wall, but he was barely able to contain himself.  "Why are you telling me this now?" he asked stonily.  He didn't know what possessed him to keep this nightmare going, but he had to know.

She looked up at him sadly.  "Because I found out yesterday that I was the only one who made a mistake."

That was why she was crying.  But what had she found out that changed it all?  He sat in silence waiting for her to continue.

"Lo-Lois overheard Miranda yesterday at Kelly's telling someone that she wanted you.  That she hadn't gotten you yet, but she was 'working on your fiancée' to get her to believe you had been unfaithful to me.  It was all a lie and I had believed her," her voice caught on another sob.  She took a deep breath.  "I believed her instead of you and I did something so awful and hurtful to you.  You have to know how sorry I am."

"How could you do this to me, Brenda?" Jax said quietly.  He was hurt and he wanted to lash out and yell and scream at her, but he couldn't do it.  He couldn't hurt her the same way she was hurting him.

"I don't know, Jax. I can tell you that maybe I wasn't thinking, maybe I was trying to hurt you. But I don't know."

In that instant, he made a decision.  "I want you to leave," he told her calmly. "I can't stand to see you right now."  It was true, he couldn't, he was afraid of what he might do.  And he was refusing to show any kind of pain or hurt to her. 

She was sitting on the edge of the couch arm, trembling. He wasn't scaring her, but she was frightened. She nodded, "I understand. I'll go." She stood up and walked slowly towards the steps to go into the bedroom.

He remained still in the chair.  He couldn't move, he didn't know what to do.  He was trying, God, he was trying to keep his emotions in check, but he knew he was going to lose it very soon.  She came back down the steps with  an overnight bag.  He didn't want to know where she was going, he found that he didn't even care all that much.   She stopped and stood in front of the chair. "I'm so sorry, Jax. You will never know how sorry I am for what I did. I didn't want to hurt you and I don't know why I did. But no matter what, you have to believe me when I say I love you. I love you with my entire being, my heart and soul."

His voice was emotionless and cold as he spoke, "Right now, Brenda, I don't know what to believe." He turned away from her then and went upstairs.  He heard her leave in tears.  He was barely inside the bedroom door before he gave in to everything he was feeling.  He closed the door and slid down the back of it to the floor.  He let the tears fall unchecked down his face as he realized he'd just lost his entire world, everything that mattered to him the most.

Jax closed his eyes as he continued to lean against the window.  He was literally feeling his heart break over and over again as he remembered those last nights with her.  He'd never taken the time to let himself feel these emotions after he'd asked her to leave.  He had sat on the bedroom floor for ten minutes before he got up slowly, wiped away the tears from his face, and began packing her things.  That night, he had turned off his emotions and he had stopped caring.  He had spent all night methodically putting her clothes and personal items into boxes and then moving the boxes to the front doorway.  He did not sleep, knowing that sleep would only bring more heartache as he slowed down and had time to think again.

That was why for the next six months, he had buried himself in his work.  If he never stopped working, he was never able to think about what had happened.  He stayed late at the office every single night, including weekends.  There were times when he slept on the leather couch in the corner of the office for a few hours before he got up and began working again.  His business was going brilliantly because he was devoting every minute of his time to it.  But inside, he was dead.  He felt nothing anymore.  Everything had died in him the instant she had walked out the door, probably sooner when she had told him of her betrayal.

It made him never want to fall in love ever again.  He could not love that deeply and that completely again.  He had given everything to her, everything he had in him.  She was his life and everything else came second to her.  They made promises and oaths that they were never going to break.  He saw them growing old together, having children together, seeing their grandchildren for the first time together.  He couldn't imagine his life without her and knew it would kill him if he ever had to find out what it was like to lose her.  It nearly had.

But the worse part of all was that he still loved her.  He still loved her with everything he had.  Not even her betrayal had taken that from him.  Maybe he could forgive her, he realized, but he could never forget it had happened.  He knew it would always stay in the back of his mind and he couldn't subject himself to that.  Even if they could try again, there was no guarantee that it would work.  And he could not take that chance again.  If it were to ever happen, there would have to be a lifetime guarantee on it and there was no such thing.  He couldn't do it.

He thought at one time they had had that lifetime guarantee, but then she had destroyed it.  She hadn't trusted him when it mattered most.  Whatever instincts in her had made her want revenge on him and made her want to hurt him so deeply.  He hadn't thought she was capable of it.  She loved him too much to ever doubt him, or so he thought.

Besides, he realized, she probably didn't love him anymore.  If he couldn't forgive her for what she did, she probably didn't want anything to do with him.  She had probably moved on.  Who was he trying to kid?  He knew as well as he knew he loved her that she loved him just as much.  She hadn't moved on.  He knew the thought had never even crossed her mind.  He had seen that love flickering in her eyes during the last few days.  The times when he had been most like he used to be, even she couldn't hide her feelings then.

And he saw that in the last few days, she had been everything he had fallen in love with.  Granted, he had never thought she would knock him, or anyone else, unconscious, but she had taken care of him instinctively.  He knew she had no skills to do so, but she had done everything she could to help him.  She didn't let any feelings get in the way and all she felt was the need to make him better.  But maybe that was guilt, he thought.  She was the one who had hit him.  She was the one who had betrayed him.  Maybe she thought that if she took care of him now, it might ease some of the pain from before.  Did it?  He wondered that himself.

He knew that had the situation not arisen, he never would have thought about her.  He never would have forced himself to deal with what had happened.  He would still be in Port Charles, working himself to death and avoiding everything to do with the holidays that were approaching.  And he had to think about everything now.  She was sitting in the other room, waiting for him to ask her for something and he had to come to terms with what they had done.  There was only one way to resolve it, he had to go talk to her.

Sometime later, Jax left the darkness of the bedroom and went into the main room of the cabin.  He still wore only his pajama pants, but it was plenty warm enough for him not to be cold.  Brenda was gazing into the fire when he entered the room.  He watched her a moment while she was unaware that he was there. 

He ran a hand through his hair and cleared his throat to get her attention.  His voice still not completely there, he said, "Brenda, I think we need to talk."  He walked toward her and sat on the far end of the couch from her.

Brenda had been surprised to see him out of the bedroom.  She'd left him alone nearly two hours before.  Assuming he'd gone back to sleep, she'd cleaned the kitchen and main room again just to keep herself busy.  Now, she'd been sitting and wondering what they would do about the recent events.  She turned her head to him when he spoke and smiled uncertainly at him.  She nodded her response, knowing what he was referring to.

Jax leaned forward and braced his elbows on his knees, linking his hands together.  He avoided her gaze and looked into the fire, choosing his words carefully.  "What happened this morning…" he hesitated.

"Shouldn't have happened, I know," she filled in for him.  "I am sorry, Jax.  I didn't realize what I was doing and before I knew it--"

"I know.  It's okay.  It was as much my fault as it was yours."  He smiled slightly and glanced at her briefly.  "I mean, it was bound to happen, right?"

"Right," she agreed, uncertain of what he meant.

He noticed her confusion at his meaning and explained.  "Think about it, we both have needs.  I wasn't thinking clearly, I don't know about you.  I think we can leave it at the fact that we were unaware of what we were doing when we did it."  He was stretching the truth a little, he knew.  He'd been perfectly capable of stopping it before it had ever happened, but he hadn't wanted to.

Brenda nodded slowly in agreement.  She also knew it wasn't completely true, but if it made him feel better to think so, then she wouldn't voice her opposing opinions.  She was glad that was out of the way, though.  It seemed like they could let it go now and move on.  She made a move to get up and asked him," Is there anything I can get for you?  You have to be hungry by now."  She kept her voice light, in keeping with the decision they'd just come to.

Jax turned to look at her again.  "Brenda, wait.  There's something else."  Maybe he shouldn't tell her.  Maybe he should let it go.  No, they had to discuss it sooner or later, why not make it sooner?

She sat back down on the couch.  "What is it, Jax?"  She wondered what else there might be.  She noticed he looked troubled by whatever it was and she was concerned.  "Are you feeling okay?" she asked as she noticed the color had faded from his face.

Jax nodded.  "Yeah, I'm fine.  I'm just tired, I guess."  And he was, but it wasn't from the illness anymore.  The things he'd done to his emotions, remembering their past, had taken their toll on him.  He was mentally exhausted, but knew he wouldn't be able to sleep until they talked it out.

"Then what is it?"

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair again before clasping his hands together.  He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands as he said quietly, "I remembered, Brenda."

Those few words knocked the breath out of her.  She had known it was bound to happen, but she hadn't thought it would be now.  So, that was why he was so troubled.  He remembered and now he felt even deeper regrets about what they had done, she was sure of it.  "You do?" she asked to verify what he'd said.

He nodded again.  "Yeah, I do."  He didn't know what else to say, where to start.

"When?  Is that what you were doing before?  Remembering?"  She wondered if she had interrupted him when she'd checked on him.

"When I woke up this morning and you were already gone, I got up to take a shower.  It just kind of happened, I don't know what triggered it."  He had an idea, but there was no way to prove that it had been.

"And that's what you were doing when you were sitting in the dark?"

He nodded.

"What do you remember?" She had to know if he knew absolutely everything, not only to make sure he was okay, but to know if he remembered what she had done to him all those months ago.

Jax sighed and looked at her, sadness emanating from his eyes.  "Everything, I remembered everything."  He fell silent for a few minutes.  He had been wrong.  He couldn't do this right now.  He couldn't talk to her about it yet.  The new pain he'd brought back upon himself was still too fresh, too painful.  He rubbed his eyes to stop the forming of the tears he could feel.  He didn't want to do this, not like this.  He had to get out, had to leave, but since there was nowhere to go, all he could settle for was leaving the room.  He got up from the couch.

Brenda had seen him fighting himself and his emotions and had watched him silently.  She realized he was still hurting deeply, but now that the door was open, she had to try to get her foot in the doorway and prevent it from closing again.  She had to try.  When he got up from the couch, ready to walk away, she stopped him, "Jax, wait, please?  Can't we talk about this now?"

He turned back to face her and shook his head slowly.  "No, Brenda, not now.  I thought I could, that's why I came out here, but I can't," his soft voice broke as he spoke to her. 

She could hear the pain and raw emotions in his voice and knew that she shouldn't force the issue, but she had to get a promise from him.  "Then, can we talk about it at all?  Please?"

"Maybe," he relented slowly.  "Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day, I don't know.  I just know that it can't be right now.  Okay?"  His eyes pleaded with her through the pain that shone in them.

This was the Jax she had once known, the caring man she had fallen in love with.  In the last six months, she'd been afraid he was gone, that she'd killed him.  She supposed she had, killed his emotions maybe.  But this man was not above the pain and he was hurting deeply right now.  She had to let him go, let him deal with it on his own first.  She realized this may have been the first time he was truly dealing with.  She nodded and said, "All right, we'll talk about it later."  She had meant it as a quiet promise that they would, indeed, talk about it again.

Jax simply turned and went into the bedroom before he lost it in front of her.  As much of his pain as he had allowed her to see, he wouldn't let her see him cry.  He closed the door to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed.  Slowly, he slid back to sit against the headboard and drew his knees to his chest.  His head relaxed against the hard wood and he closed his eyes.  As his eyelids slid shut, he felt the first of his tears trickle slowly down his face again.

 

Chapter 7