If I Recall

Chapter 7

"Jax!" Brenda shrieked at him in laughter as she threw a towel in his direction and ducked.

He darted around the counter and caught her around the waist, holding her tightly in his arms to prevent her escape.  His deep laughter echoed off the kitchen walls of the penthouse apartment.

"Jax!  Let me go!" she gasped as she fought to catch her breath, but continued to wriggle in his arms to get away.

He held fast.  "I don't think so!  You can't just do something like that and expect to get away with it!" he responded.  He kept one arm around her waist as he ran a hand through his now-wet hair. 

"I didn't mean to do, I swear!" she laughed again.  "It just…got away from me," she tried to improvise.

"Yeah, and I suppose you just accidentally put your hand around the sprayer and squeezed it, right?  And it just happened to be pointed right at me?" he teased, grinning.  "You do realize that now you have to pay!"  He replaced his arm around her waist and began to move his hands to tickle her sides, knowing she was extremely sensitive to the spots.

She shrieked and wriggled violently to get away from him.  "Jax!  No!"  Her laughter mixed with his as they fought playfully in the kitchen.  She continued to struggle against him.  "Let me go!  Jax!"

Suddenly, he stopped and looked down into her eyes, his smile fading a little.  Her eyes sparkled back at him and her smile widened as she finally broke from his loosened grip.  She stepped back against the counter and tried to catch her breath.  "Aw, what's the matter, Jax?" she teased.  "Was I too strong for you to hold onto?"

He smiled uncertainly, breaking his reverie.  "Yeah, that must have been it."

But he knew full well that wasn't what it had been.  In that one instant, he realized he had fallen in love with his best friend.  The one person he had sworn not to fall for.

The bedroom in the cabin was completely dark as Jax remembered and thought back on his relationship with Brenda.  He had no idea how much time had passed since he had come back into the room.  The tears had slowed to a periodic happening when he thought of a time when they hurt each other in the past.  His eyes were closed and he was tired, but he was nowhere close to falling asleep.  He had too much to think about.

He listened to the wind howling outside again and thought the storm might be picking back up.  If it was, they were getting trapped even further.  He realized, as he sat there, that the day that would be dawning was Christmas Eve day.  If he were back in Port Charles, he'd probably be working right now with no intention of stopping for some holiday he had no interest in celebrating this year.  He didn't want to think about what the past two Christmases had been like for him.

"You really lived all the way out here?" Brenda asked him as they approached the sprawling ranch-style house on the hill.  "How could you do that?  It's not even civilized out here!"

He just laughed at her and steered the car into the driveway.  "It was home, Brenda.  I grew up here after we left Australia.  My parents have worked to keep it completely civilized…once you get inside, of course."  He tossed her a carefree grin and stopped the car in front of the door.  He got out of the car and went around to open her door for her.

They walked up the front steps and Brenda just looked around in amazement at the surrounding areas of land.  The snow-covered forest came nearly to their front door with drifts of snow piled all around the house.  This was true wilderness in her mind.  The front door swung open and they were ushered inside by a maid in a very professional-looking uniform.

"Jax?  Is that you, dear?" a female voice called out from above.  His mother came down the steps as soon as they stepped into the hallway.  She hugged him immediately and kissed him on the cheek.  Then she turned to Brenda.  "You must be Brenda," she said warmly.  "You have no idea how much I've heard about you."

"All good, I hope," Brenda responded lightly.  She was standing rather close to him, as if she were intimidated by the slight woman in front of her.

Lady Jane took a step toward her and put her arms around Brenda, welcoming her to Alaska..

And to the family, Jax thought.  They'd only been friends that first year, but Jane had taken to Brenda as if she were the daughter she'd never had.  John and Jerry had fallen in love with her, as well.  It had meant so much to Jax that she be accepted into his family.  His family's opinions meant the world to him.  Knowing they loved Brenda made it okay for him to love her.

The next year, with a new dimension of love in their relationship, he'd had the happiest Christmas of his life.

They sat in the penthouse apartment, as the twilight sparkled behind them.  The room was lit only by the Christmas tree lights and a fire in the fireplace.  It was Christmas Eve as he sat beside Brenda on the couch and turned to face her.  He was actually nervous, he realized.

"Brenda, you know me as no one else ever has," he began. "The day I met you, in that airport in New York, I knew that I had finally found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. There was something about you that told me you had seen some of life's hardest problems and you had overcome them. I admired that about you from the moment I knew you. It was the first thing I fell in love with. Now, after two years, we've faced some of our own problems and we've faced them together, never doubting what we had together. I want to know that we'll face those problems together for the rest of our lives. And hopefully, one day, all the problems will be gone and we'll be left with pure, indescribable happiness with each other. With any luck, we'll have some of that before then, too. What I'm saying, Brenda, is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, beside you. And I want you beside me. Will you marry me?"

He opened the black velvet box in his hands and turned it to face her. There, in the box was the most perfect diamond ring she had ever seen. The large stone in the center sparkled with a life of its own and it was surrounded by a circle of perfect tiny sapphires. He was looking at her hopefully, almost as if he was doubting that she would say yes.

She smiled at him tenderly and leaned forward to kiss his lips softly. "Yes," she whispered. "Yes, of course I'll marry you."

His face lit with an ecstatic smile. "You will?!"

She nodded enthusiastically. He was taking the ring from the box and slipping it on her left hand. He kissed her hand when the ring was in place and then he kissed her.

A year ago today, he thought.  They would have been married by now, actually.  They'd been planning a November wedding.  It was supposed to take place on Brenda's mother's birthday.  She'd wanted to honor her deceased mother and marry the man of her dreams on that day.  But it never happened.  He knew it never would now.

Brenda had checked on Jax once more that evening.  She never made her presence known, but she'd needed to make sure he was alright.  She'd pushed open the door silently and what she saw almost broke her heart in two.  Jax was sitting against the headboard of the bed with his eyes closed.  His shoulders shook slightly as tears ran unchecked down his face.  The pain and emotion that was so apparent on his face brought tears to her own eyes.  He never heard her as she closed the door and leaned against the wall, crying quietly, as well.

After that, she'd returned to the main room and pulled out the bed from the couch.  She decided to let Jax remain alone for the night and leave him to his thoughts and private pain.  Within a few minutes, she was asleep in front of the fire.

The next morning, Jax opened his eyes early.  He hadn't slept the entire night.  His thoughts and remembrances had kept him up and left him feeling more ragged than before.  He'd stayed in the same spot, against the headboard of the bed, the whole time.  The one thing he did notice was that Brenda had not come to bed that night.  He could only assume she'd slept on the couch.

He took a deep breath and went into the bathroom to wash up and get dressed.  After he showered and shaved, he put on a pair of black jeans and a dark green button-down shirt.  As he looked in the mirror, he realized he looked awful.  Dark circles were under his eyes, which were rimmed in red and bloodshot.  He was pale and his face was drawn.  He knew that if he looked this bad to himself, he'd look ten times worse to Brenda.

Jax went into the main room and found Brenda still asleep on the pull-out couch.  He stoked the fire and put on a pot of coffee.  For the first time since he'd arrived at the cabin, he moved about the kitchen and cooked Brenda some breakfast, knowing it would wake her as he did it.  He wasn't the slightest bit interested in eating himself, but he knew that she could probably use a better meal than what she'd been having.  The fact that he was the one that knew how to cook helped that along.

Brenda awoke to the smell of the breakfast cooking in the kitchen and knew immediately that Jax was already up and doing that for her.  She wondered briefly what they were in for that day.  She stretched in the bed and sat up slowly.  For a few minutes, she watched Jax, unnoticed by him, from the other room.  He seemed to move almost mechanically and she wondered again if he was alright.

She got up and went into the kitchen, pasting on a small smile.  "Good morning," she said softly.  She wanted to test the waters and see what she was up against.

"Hi," Jax responded quietly.  His voice was still a little raw and he knew he sounded tired.  He placed the plate of food in front of Brenda on the table and began to clean up.

"Aren't you going to eat?" she asked.

He shook his head.  "I'm not hungry."

"Jax, you have to eat.  It's been several days, what with your illness.  Please, if you're going to get better, you have to have something," she said, concerned.

"I'm not hungry, Brenda," he repeated softly, in no mood to argue with her.  He continued to clean the kitchen as she began to eat.

She knew there was no reason to argue with him right now, so instead she studied him as he moved about the kitchen.  He didn't look like he was sick anymore.  He just looked extremely tired.  He looked devoid of emotion.  She noticed the circles under his eyes and the paleness of his face.  "Jax, are you okay?" she asked.

He sighed and nodded once.  "I'm fine."

It was his typical answer when everything wasn't fine.  Normally, he would be perfectly honest with her, but she knew under the circumstances, she couldn't expect that.  He was dealing with his pain privately and he would be damned if she knew about it.  The little bit she'd glimpsed the night before had been a mistake and he didn't know about it.  She would keep it to herself, to know that she'd caused it, but that he didn't have to know she'd seen it.

Jax finished cleaning up the kitchen silently and went into the main room.  Almost robotically, he put the couch back in order and put away the bed.  He replaced the cushions from the floor and folded the blanket over the back.  He walked over to the front window and looked outside.  For the first time in days, the sun was shining brilliantly and the snow sparkled pristinely.  He almost had to shield his eyes as he looked out.  His dark blue Jeep was all but buried in the snow with only the top foot and a half barely visible.  He could see down to where Brenda's green Explorer was still buried, but only the very top of the roof could be seen.  The tree that had fallen before was now accompanied by another one just behind it.

He let the curtains fall back in front of the window and returned to the bedroom without saying another word.  Once the door was closed behind him, he sighed and ran a hand over his face and through his hair.  He didn't know what to do.  He didn't want to face her or speak to her, but he knew he had to eventually.  They couldn’t go on for much longer like this.  It would drive them both insane.  He just didn't know what to say to her.

Jax sat down on the window seat in the bay window and pulled one of his knees up to his chest.  The more he thought about it, the more he realized he wasn't even angry with her anymore.  What she had done was in the past and he came to see that he might even understand why she might have done it.  But that didn't mean it didn't tear his heart out of his chest every time he thought about it.  He couldn't trust her.  He didn't even know if he knew her anymore.  He didn't know where to go from here.

Brenda had watched Jax clean up the two rooms in the cabin and then return to the bedroom.  She didn't say a word, knowing he didn't want to talk.  The longer she watched him, the more certain she was that he would never forgive her.  But that didn't mean they didn't have to talk about it.

Several minutes after he had gone into the bedroom, she got up from the table and put her plate in the sink.  After she went into the bathroom and showered and changed, she quietly opened the door to the bedroom.  Jax was sitting in the window seat, facing away from her with his eyes closed.  He looked exhausted and she wondered if he had slept at all the night before.  She didn't think so.

As Brenda reached the window seat, Jax opened his eyes and looked directly at her.  He looked defeated, she noticed.  Sitting in the other corner of the seat, she waited a few minutes before saying anything.

"I'm sorry, Jax," was all she said.  With those three words, a tear slipped down her face.

Jax leaned his head back and closed his eyes before he allowed the tears that had been welling up in his eyes to fall.  When he had his feelings under control, he opened his eyes and looked at her again.  She was watching him carefully.  "I know you are, Brenda," he responded quietly. 

"I don't want to push you, so I'll leave if you want me to," she offered.

Did he want her to?  Was there anything for them to talk about?  "No, I don't want you to leave."  He knew there was.

She took a deep breath.  "I swear, Jax--"

"Wait," he interrupted.  "Please, let me go first?"

The pain that was suddenly apparent in his eyes startled Brenda.  She nodded silently and waited.

There was no other place to start.  "I won't lie to you, Brenda.  I was devastated when you told me that you had slept with another man while you were engaged to me.  Before that, I had never known what it was like to have my heart broken so irrevocably.  And you did that to me."  He kept his gaze averted from hers as he tried to reign in the tears he felt.  "It's not an accusation.  It's just what happened.  I knew in that one instant that we could never go back.  I had lost the only thing that truly mattered most in my life.  It was like I didn't even know you if I couldn't see that you could do that to me."

Tears rolled slowly down her face as she listened to him.  "I--"

"Let me finish.  When you left that night, I stopped functioning.  Everything in me that was capable of feeling anything shut down.  The only thing left for me to do was go on with my life without you.  But I couldn't do it.  Imagining my life without you in it was too much for me to handle."  He realized as he was talking to her that he was making a decision about what to do. 

"Jax, I know you must be so angry with me--"

"That is just it, Brenda," he said softly.  "I stopped being angry a long time ago, I think.  The only thing I feel now is pain and hurt…and distrust.  I'm sorry, but that's the truth.  There is something you have to know and I am not telling you to hurt you, but you have to know.  I can't see you after this, Brenda.  We can't go back, we can't get anything back like it used to be.  Maybe you thought we could try being friends again, but I just don't think it would work right now."

It was as if he had read her mind for the request she was going to make.  And then he answered it before she could ask.  "But why?"  She had to know.

He sighed and hesitated before he continued.  "I told you I wasn't going to lie to you.  We can't be friends because the truth of the matter is that I still love you.  God help me, I do, and I can't stop that.  It's a part of me, a part of who I am.  But I can't do it, Brenda.  I can't subject myself to questioning you every day.  I don't want to do that to you and I don't want to do that to me.  Everything we were about was based on trust and if I can't have that, I don't want anything at all.  It would just be too painful."  He finally finished and stopped talking.  He wiped the tears away from the edges of his eyes before he looked at her.

Brenda looked crushed by everything he had just told her.  And she was.  Inside, she was devastated by his words, but she had to try.  "Jax," she began, "I know what I did to you was the worst thing I could have possibly done.  I know that and I have spent every day since then thinking about it and trying to think of some way to make up for it.  I can't do it because there is no way to make up for it.  I hurt you more deeply than even I ever thought I could.  But I will say this.  I never knew love until I knew you.  I'd had several failed relationships, but none of them were ever felt as deeply as my love for you.  As much as I loved you then, I love you now, you have to know that.  I know I destroyed that the day I broke your heart and I have no right to ask for anything at all.  But I'm going to.  You know, as well as I do, that we were friends before we were anything else to each other.  We were always there for each other and always someone we could count on.  The only thing I want is to see if we can't try to find our way back to that someday.  I don't expect you to forget what I did, but I'm hoping that one day you might be able to forgive me.  And maybe one day we can start over at the beginning and try again.  That's all I really want."  She had been watching him and his reaction the entire time she spoke.  He didn't say a word for several long moments afterwards.  He just watched her as he thought about what she had said.  "Jax, is that too much for me to hope for?" she asked tentatively.

He knew she was right about everything she had just asked for, but he didn't know what to do.  Part of him knew that if they tried to be friends again that it would hurt so much for a long time.  But part of him also knew that he wanted her in his life again.  He knew that he was missing something in his life without her and she was the only thing that could truly fill the void.  Maybe they could try.  He just didn't know what to do right now.  He looked directly into her eyes with truth and honesty.  "I just don't know, Brenda," he whispered. 

It was more than she thought she would get.  She smiled slightly and got up from the seat.  She would take it and walk away while it was still there.  "Think about it, please, that's all I'm asking for right now."  She left him alone after that and closed the door to the room quietly.

Jax sat for a long time doing exactly that, thinking.  He felt lost for the answers he needed.  One side said he needed her and the other side said it would be too painful.  He'd had enough of the pain, but he missed her so much.  If he could just believe that they could go back.  But he didn't.  And that was the problem.

 

Chapter 8