If I Recall

Chapter 5

"Brenda?" Jax asked. "Was it really that bad? Did I do something so awful to you that you can't tell me about it? That it's too painful to talk about?"

Brenda wiped at the tear that had gathered in the corner of her eye and looked up at Jax. She smiled slightly. "I think you should probably rest awhile, don't you?"

She was avoiding the topic and he knew it, but he didn't know what to do about it. Besides, she was probably right anyway. He was getting tired and he was beginning to feel the effects again. He gave in for the time being. "All right, I suppose you're probably right. But I'm not going to let this go. If I don't remember, you're going to tell me." He was emphatic and made sure she understood that he meant what he said.

He was right, she knew. He wouldn't give up until he got the answers from her. She stood up from the bed and went to the door. She watched until he was laying comfortably and had closed his eyes to sleep. Then, she went into the main room and sat on the couch, once again staring into the fire.

She should be glad he wanted to talk about it. Any other time or place and he wouldn't let her. He wouldn't want to at all. She may never get another chance. Maybe she should talk to him and tell him what had happened as she saw it. She had never gotten the chance to do it before he asked her to leave. He didn't want to hear it. Maybe she could make him understand a little bit more about what she did and why she did it. If he remembered first, he wouldn't give her the chance.

Brenda made a resolve after a lot of thinking to tell Jax everything that had happened from her point of view when he asked about it the next time. That done, she busied herself idly and passed the time as he slept. She read some more of her book, organized the kitchen shelves, and shoveled off the front porch for some reason unbeknownst to her. It wasn't like they were going anywhere anytime soon, but it was something to do.

Jax woke again in the middle of the afternoon, but this time he felt positively awful. Whatever relief he had felt earlier in the morning was gone now and replaced with something much worse. He tried to call out to Brenda, but he found he could barely hear himself, let alone could Brenda hear him. He didn't move for fear that the building nausea would overtake him. Instead, he lay completely still in the bed with his eyes closed and hoped to fall asleep again.

Brenda checked on him a few minutes later and mistook him for being asleep. She sat down in the window seat and watched him for awhile. She hoped he might understand what she was planning on telling him. Maybe this person he was without his memories would be the same forgiving person she had once known.

As she watched him sleep, she remembered when she had done that exact same thing every night. Until Jax, she had never known true love or maybe even what love was supposed to be. She'd been in a few relationships in her lifetime, but nothing had ever been so instantaneous as her friendship and love with Jax. He'd made her feel things she didn't know were possible. She was happiest when she was with him, saddest when she was without him. Everything he did affected her. He was her best friend and they'd made a promise one day.

It was the only promise they had ever broken between them. He couldn't do it, she had hurt him too deeply that night. And, she realized now, she hadn't expected him to keep that promise after what she did. She knew it had been too much and had gone too far for even the most tolerant of people, which Jax was. So, she'd had to accept his decision and walk away as he had asked her to. It had been the hardest night of her life to leave him. But what was even harder was knowing that he had asked her to and that she had lost the only best friend she'd ever had.

Another tear rolled slowly down her face as she continued to watch him lying in the bed. "I'm so sorry, Jax," she whispered softly, thinking he couldn't hear her.

But Jax did hear her, he just couldn't respond. He could hear that she was crying about something. He'd heard her in the room for a few minutes now. He wondered what she was crying about, what she was sorry for. Whatever it was, she sounded so forlorn. Slowly, he turned to his back and looked up at the ceiling until he felt better from the slight motions. He opened his eyes and saw Brenda wiping away a tear from her face as she watched him. She looked like she was holding more inside of her than he knew.

He wanted to know so much what had hurt her, what was still hurting her. He had this awful feeling he had done something to her in the past and he just couldn't remember it. Maybe he was blocking it out. The thought never even occurred to him that she was the one who had done the hurtful things in their past.

Brenda looked up and noticed right away that Jax was awake. She could see him watching her through tired eyes. He had a confused expression on his face, like he was trying to figure her out. She got up from the window seat and went over to the bed, kneeling beside him. He turned his head to her slightly and she saw the fever in his eyes as he looked at her. She placed a cool hand against his forehead and felt the difference in his temperature from before.

"Jax, are you feeling okay?" she asked, concerned again.

In response, he turned slowly onto his side and drew the covers up around him once more. He shook his head vaguely and closed his eyes. In seconds, it seemed, he was asleep again. And it began that Brenda kept a more constant vigil over him. She stayed in the room with him at all times, sometimes reading, sometimes watching him.

Jax did not sleep peacefully. While he slept, bits and pieces of conversations would flash through his head. None of it made sense and yet he knew, subconsciously, that he was beginning to get his memory back. From the pieces he was getting, it was like putting a puzzle together, but he didn't know where the pieces went. He didn't know who he was talking to, what he was talking about, or where he was when he was talking. There was only conversation, no scenes or real memories.

Brenda watched him try to shake himself out of whatever dream he was having and recognized that was what he was doing. She put her hand on his shoulder and shook him until he opened clouded eyes to her. He blinked several times to bring her into focus in front of him. The corner of his mouth lifted slightly in a grateful smile as he knew what she had done.

Jax began to come more awake as he lay there looking at Brenda. He opened his eyes fully and glanced around the now dark room. There were no lights on and again the only glow came from the fire in the other room. He tried to clear his throat to talk to Brenda, but to no avail. His voice was completely gone now.

Brenda smiled as she realized what was wrong now. "I'll bet you're wishing you knew sign language now, huh?" she teased gently.

Jax smiled and tried to sit up against the headboard of the bed. With Brenda's help, he finally leaned against a few pillows.

"Do you want anything?" she asked.

He grimaced and mouthed, "No."

Brenda sat down across from him on the bed. She was sitting in the opposite corner, leaning against the post. "Actually, I think this might turn out to be a good thing. Now, you can't interrupt me."

He looked at her questioningly.

"Jax, since you apparently don’t remember yet and you want to know, we need to talk. I need to tell you what's going on between us. Hopefully, it'll explain a lot to you about the way I've been acting and the way I've been expecting you to act."

Jax smiled. Finally, he was getting the answers he wanted. He nodded at her to continue.

Brenda took a deep breath before she began. "I guess I'll start at the very beginning with the day we met. I was coming home, to Port Charles where I lived, from a modeling shoot about three years ago. In fact, it was three years ago tomorrow. There was a snowstorm and I got trapped at the airport in Manhattan. As I was going to call my friend, Lois, I bumped into you. Or you bumped into me, either way. We just kind of passed each other until a few minutes later when the electricity went out throughout the airport. You were the only other person there besides me.

"We had to come up with something to do that entire night. We were stranded until the next morning when the storm had cleared. We spent the night telling each other our life stories and we became friends. It turned out that you were headed to Port Charles, as well, to set up a branch of your offices, so the next day, when we flew out, we went out together. After that, we saw each other pretty much every day, if we were in town. I'd say you became my best friend within a week.

"Over the next few months, I realized that what I was feeling for you was becoming more than just friendship. But I didn't want you to know that. See, we had made a pact that we wouldn't fall in love with each other. We each wanted just one friend who was always there for us, through whatever we went through. Whether it was love or loss, hate or desperation, we were there for each other."

She began to smile and laughed softly. "Then, one night, you got me drunk. While in the midst of the evening, I admitted that I was in love with you. And somehow or another, you said the same thing to me. We were in love and with each other, no less. As I told you, we got engaged a while later."

Her face began to sadden and her eyes watered. "A few months later, as we were planning the wedding, I did something so stupid."

Jax could hear in her voice that she regretted whatever it was she had done. He got the feeling this was the first time she had really told anyone what had happened.

That wasn't quite true, but it was the first chance she had ever gotten to speak to Jax about it. "It was so stupid, Jax. Even six months later, I still can't believe I did it. I never should have doubted you. I never should have listened. What I did, I did out of whatever doubt or fear or confusion I felt, I think. I know that's not a good reason, but it's all I know. That, and I regret having done it more than you will ever, ever know." She couldn't bring herself to tell him what it was, knowing he would get upset again. It was enough, for now, to tell him that she was the one who had caused all the problems. He would remember, in time, and hopefully, with this conversation in mind, he might forgive her.

Brenda wiped away another tear as she continued. "And I hurt you too badly to take anything back. You asked me to leave the night I told you and you had my things sent to me the next day." Her voice began to break down as the tears began in earnest. "I've only seen you once since then and you didn't want anything to do with me. You didn't want to see me, or talk to me, or even think about me, I suspect. And I deserved it. What I did was so immensely stupid, Jax. I know that now and I even knew it when I did it, that was the worst part."

She looked at him pleadingly. "Please, Jax, please believe me. I didn't mean to do this, not to us. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," she repeated it over and over again as she let herself break into tears. She began to sob, continuing to apologize for everything she had done.

But what had she done, he wondered. He watched in silence as she cried, not knowing what to do. Obviously, he was supposed to be upset or angry with her. But all he saw now was a heartbroken girl who was crying and he could comfort her. He did the only thing that made sense to him then. He reached for her hand and held it in his. Slowly, her tears subsided and she raised her head to look at him. He pulled her to him and held her close in his arms. They sat like that for several long minutes before she finally pulled away from him.

"I'm sorry, Jax," she said once more. "I didn't mean to lose it like that."

He smiled gently. "It's okay," he half-whispered, half-croaked. He had to laugh at how his voice sounded, even to him.

Brenda smiled in response. She got up to go add another piece of wood to the fire and when she returned, Jax had lain back down on the bed. His forehead was contorted in a way that indicated he was in some kind of pain. She put a hand to him again. He still felt warm. He opened his eyes momentarily to gaze at her and then he closed them again. He turned into a more comfortable position and tried to fall asleep.

Calling it an early night, Brenda quickly dressed in her pajamas and climbed into the bed next to Jax. Before he fell asleep, he turned to her and pulled her into his arms. It felt like the right thing for him to do, the natural thing. She almost pulled away, but decided to stay there for now. It was like a flash back into the best times of her life. For the first time in six months, she felt safe and secure and warm. She felt right and within seconds, she was asleep.

When Jax awoke the next morning, he was surprised to find Brenda stretched across his chest, seemingly asleep. Even more surprising, though, was the placement of one her hands on a very familiar region. He let out an uncomfortable, shaky breath, but didn't force her to move. He lay still, assessing the events of the previous day and night and trying to see if he remembered anything new. He didn't recall anything other than the few pieces of conversations he'd remembered the day before and they still didn't make sense to him. He did feel better than he had the day before, almost normal, in fact.

His gaze shifted to watch Brenda sleeping across him. She looked peaceful and there was a slight smile on her lips. Her head rested under his arm on his chest. One of her legs was directly next to his and she looked comfortable. He couldn't bring herself to make him move, though he was becoming more uncomfortable with the placement of her hand. He supposed it was okay as long as he knew she was asleep and knew she didn’t know what she was doing exactly. Letting it go, he closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep again.

It didn't last long, though. Seconds later, Brenda shifted and her hand moved, clenching slightly. Jax's eyes flew open at the movement and his breathing quickened. Unfortunately for his position, it didn't stop there. It became apparent that Brenda was moving in a half-awakened state and she wasn't about to stop doing what she was doing. Her hands soon began to move across his body, caressing and teasing him. It was obvious that even in a sleepy state, she knew what she was doing. He continued to remain as still as he could, but it was quickly becoming impossible to resist her. And he didn't want to, he knew.

This felt right, familiar, to both of them. Brenda was waking and she was becoming aware of the fact that she should be stopping, but she didn't. She lifted her head finally from Jax's chest and looked up at him. The uncomfortable look in his eyes gave him away. She sat up straight immediately.

"Oh God, Jax, I'm so sorry," she began to apologize, embarrassed beyond belief. She started to move away from him when suddenly his hand wrapped around her wrist, stopping her. In a quick movement, he pulled her to him. He held her gaze for a second and then, slowly, began to move towards her.

His lips met hers in an explosion of the pent-up desire she had built within him. It felt so right for him to be kissing her like this, for them to be doing what they were doing. She moaned softly and opened her mouth to him. He took the opportunity to slide his tongue through her lips and deep into her mouth. She tasted familiar to him, he realized. He pulled her across his chest as their hands began to explore each other now. Within seconds, he had her pajama top off her and on the floor where he threw it. The rest of her clothes quickly followed it.

He rolled so that she was under him and he began to kiss the edges of her mouth, leading to her neck and down her throat. He caressed her body with his hands while his mouth took possession of one of her breasts. His gentle ministrations were urged on by her need and desire for him. She threaded her hands through his thick hair and pulled him closer to her. Unable to stand it anymore, she pulled him back to her lips and kissed him deeply again.

Her hands trailed down his back to the waistband of his silk boxer shorts. She ran her hands softly along the inside of the elastic until they reached their destination of minutes earlier. Seconds later, his boxers joined her clothes on the floor. Their passion carried them on for long, wonderful hours.

Jax knew exactly what he needed to do to her and she to him. It was like they were meant for each other. It was as it had always been between them, better in some ways because it had been so long. Afterwards, Brenda relaxed against Jax's chest in his embrace as he fell asleep again, exhausted.

Suddenly, she knew what they had done hadn't been appropriate or the right thing to do. He was sick, for Heaven's sake! She had just taken advantage of a man who was in no position to turn her away. But then again, he had seemed to want her as much as she had needed him. She hoped he wouldn't be angry with her or regret what they had just done when he woke again, but somehow she knew things had just changed between them.

Jax woke again about an hour and a half later. Brenda was not in the room with him and the door was almost shut. Memories of the events of the morning flooded back to him immediately. He knew what they had done was wrong. He sat up in the bed carefully and turned to the edge. He placed his feet on the floor and stood up. As he stood for the first time in a long time, the blood rushed to his head and he had to catch his balance. Slowly, he made his way to the bathroom and closed the door.

He felt fine, just tired still. Quickly, he brushed his teeth and shaved. He turned on the hot water in the shower and stepped into the warm rush. He stretched his sore muscles under the water and then leaned against the tile under the showerhead. He put his head against his arm which was up against the wall and relaxed. He was trying to put the pieces in his head together, and he found that they were gradually beginning to make sense, the longer he thought about it.

"Oh God, what have I done?" he asked out loud, his voice still hoarse and echoing against the tile, as he finally remembered everything. He closed his eyes and leaned heavily against his arm. "What did I do?"