If I Recall

Chapter 4

Brenda sat alone on the window seat in the darkened bedroom, looking out at the falling snow. She had been occupying her time alternately reading and watching the snow fall. The storm had just started up again outside and the flurries were coming down fast and furious, but it was a beautiful site to behold. It reminded her of a classic winter wonderland scene from her childhood dreams.

She tucked her legs up underneath her and turned to look at Jax. He was still asleep on the bed behind her, as he had been all evening. She didn't know what to do for him. It was becoming frighteningly obvious that he was sick when she felt his forehead and his temperature was so much higher than before. But for now he was asleep and she left him curled up under the quilt.

She turned her attentions back to the outdoors. As she watched the gracefully falling snow, she couldn't help but remember.

The snow was falling outside, collecting as soon as it hit the ground and it looked like she was going to be snowed in all night. This was just great. She was supposed to be meeting Ned and Lois for dinner and here she was caught in a snowstorm, stuck at the private airport in Manhattan. She was heading to the phone bank and as she turned the corner, she ran into an exceedingly hard body. A very well muscled body, she observed.

Her eyes traveled upward to meet the gorgeous aquamarine eyes of this equally gorgeous man in front of her. She felt a heated blush coming to her cheeks as she stared at him, trying to keep her jaw from dropping.

"Excuse me," he said in a sexy accented voice. "Are you okay?"

"Y-Yes, I'm fine," she said, flustered. She had dropped her carry-on bag when she ran into him and she bent to pick it up at the same time as he did. Their hands met on the strap and she felt the instant spark of electricity between them.

"Here you are." He handed her the bag and smiled.

God, he was gorgeous. "Thank you," she was still trying to recover from their touch.

And he was gone just as quickly. She proceeded to the phones to call Lois and tell her she was snowed in and couldn't get home. Just as she picked up the receiver, the lights cut out in the airport. The snowstorm must have knocked the lines down. She tried the phone anyway, but, as she suspected, the lines were dead, as well. Great, just great. Now what was she supposed to do?

The emergency generator had kicked on and the airport was now dimly lit. "Hello?" she called out. Oh nice, Brenda, call out into a dark place and let the psychos know you're alone in here. Don't be ridiculous, there are no psychos here, she scolded herself. "Hello? Anyone here?" She began to walk towards the lounge where she had entered from the plane.

"Just me, I think," came the accented voice again.

He was off to her left somewhere and she turned to see him. She could just barely make out the outline of his body against the line of windows. She smiled with relief, at least she wasn't alone. But you don't know who he is, her mind screamed. He might be that psycho you were so sure minutes ago didn't exist. Nobody that gorgeous could be a psychotic maniac, she thought. She walked towards him.

"Well, it looks like we're stranded for the time being," he commented. He turned to look outside at the fading daylight. The snow was coming down even harder than before and they could barely see out the windows. He turned to her then and put out his hand to shake hers. "Hi, I'm Jax," he introduced himself.

See? He's a very nice man. "Hi there, I'm Brenda Barrett," she stated and shook his hand. He had a nice firm grip. She gazed up at him, barley able to distinguish his face. "Jax? Is that your last name?"

He laughed softly. "No, it's a nickname. I don't much prefer my first name, so I go by Jax."

"Ok, so what do we do now, Jax? How long do you think we'll be stuck here?"

"Well, with no electricity--"

"And no phones, I tried them," she interjected.

"And no phones," he added. "I'd say, probably a few hours, if not overnight. So, it looks like you're stuck with me."

She laughed and said, "Under the circumstances, I don't think there's anyone I'd rather be stuck with."

How ironic that they should be in nearly the same situation now, three years later. After that, they'd become fast friends, she remembered. And friendship led to more than friendship and more than friendship led to engagement, if she recalled correctly. And she did. But the engagement had not led to the marriage.

"How could you do this to me, Brenda?" Jax said quietly.

It was the quietness that scared her. She expected him to be mad, angry, yelling, but he was none of those. He was calm and collected and distant. She had hurt him more deeply than ever before. She wiped away the tears that were streaming down her face. "I don't know, Jax. I can tell you that maybe I wasn't thinking, maybe I was trying to hurt you. But I don't know."

"I want you to leave," he told her calmly. "I can't stand to see you right now."

He sat in the desk chair across the room from her where he had sat down while she told him. She was sitting on the edge of the couch arm, trembling. He wasn't scaring her, but she was frightened. She nodded, "I understand. I'll go." She stood up and went towards the steps to go into the bedroom.

Jax was still sitting the chair when she came back into the room ten minutes later. She had packed an overnight bag and she was going to go stay with Lois and Ned for the night. She stopped and stood in front of the chair. "I'm so sorry, Jax. You will never know how sorry I am for what I did. I didn't want to hurt you and I don't know why I did. But no matter what, you have to believe me when I say I love you. I love you with my entire being, my heart and soul."

His eyes were as cold as granite when he spoke. "Right now, Brenda, I don't know what to believe." He turned away from her then and went upstairs.

She left the penthouse apartment in tears.

That had been six months ago, almost exactly. She had only seen him once since, and then two days ago when he showed up here at the cabin. He had sent her belongings to Ned and Lois's house the next day. A message was sent along with it that the only thing he wanted her to return to him was the key to the apartment. She had sent it to him, along with the engagement ring he had given her the Christmas before.

Brenda wiped away a tear that ran down her face as she remembered that day as clearly as if it had been yesterday. Everything about them was still so fresh in her mind. As she was sure it was in Jax's mind, if he ever remembered it. He would, and when he did, he would want to get as far away from her as possible. She hadn't tried to see him purposely since the day he had asked her to leave, knowing that he would turn her away. She had hurt him too deeply and because of something so small. If only she could have learned to trust him. If only she had gone to him and asked him instead of retaliating out of revenge or whatever horrible emotion it had been.

But the time for If Only's was gone. She had other things to think about, other things to get done. She had used the last six months to try and move on with her life, without Jax. It had been the most difficult and painful six months of her life. But she was sure it was more so for him. She made it no secret that she was still in love with him. If he would take her back, she would be his in an instant. But he wouldn't do that. He didn't love her anymore.

Brenda was broken from her daydreaming when she heard Jax stir on the bed. She got up quickly and went over to the side of the bed. There were beads of sweat on his forehead as if he were hot, but he had the quilt drawn around him as if he were freezing cold. He was actually visibly shivering, as well. She placed the back of her hand against his head and felt once again that he had a strong fever.

Jax opened his eyes to find Brenda kneeling beside him. He blinked several times to clear his vision and he could see that the room was dark with the only hint of light coming from the doorway. He felt like he never had before. Everything in his body ached and he tried to stretch his legs only to find them painfully locked up. It was probably from all the strain he'd put on them before while he was trying to walk through the snow and pull the supplies back to the cabin. He rolled carefully onto his back and turned his head to look back at Brenda.

"Hey, I was waiting for you to wake up," she said softly.

"You really must be bored," he cracked a smile. He ran a hand through his hair and put his arm under his head. He grimaced when the muscles in his arm pulled.

"How do you feel?" Brenda asked him.

"Awful," he responded bluntly, but truthfully.

"Do you want anything to eat or drink?"

He closed his eyes and slowly shook his head. "God, no," he groaned. He was tired, but he didn't want to sleep. He was somewhat hungry, but he knew he couldn't eat. He hurt, but he couldn't move. He was too hot, but then in the next instant, he was too cold.

Brenda was watching Jax carefully. She was thinking that in all the years she had known him, she had never known him to get sick. She'd never seen him like this before. It had to be a combination of everything that had happened since he had arrived at the cabin. She wondered again why he had come up here in the first place.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

Not unless she wanted to take his place. Since that was impossible, he shook his head again. He wiped away the moisture that had gathered on his forehead with his hand. Brenda went into the bathroom and returned with a cold washcloth, placing it against his forehead. He opened his eyes again and watched her. She disappeared into the other room for a few minutes and then came back. She was carrying the book he'd seen her reading before and a glass of water. She placed them both on the table beside the bed.

Brenda smiled down at him sympathetically as she stood next to the bed. "I finished the book, and I thought that maybe if you got bored enough, you might want something to read."

"Just please tell me it's not some sappy romance novel," he joked softly.

She laughed. "No, it's actually about a world-traveled businessman who falls in love with a small town girl with secrets of her own." She had picked it up because it was so familiar and she was hoping it had a better ending than her own life.

Jax nodded slightly. "Thanks." He closed his eyes again.

Brenda took it as a sign that he was falling asleep again and she left the room quietly. She closed the door almost all the way, leaving it open just enough for the heat to get in. She went back into the main room and stoked the fire again. Her stomach rumbled and she tried to find something she was capable enough to fix in the kitchen.

Suddenly from the bedroom, Brenda heard a loud noise followed by a door closing quickly. She went to see what was wrong and found the bedroom empty. The bathroom door was closed tightly. After a few minutes, she could hear Jax coughing violently from inside. She knocked on the door, but did not go in. She waited several more minutes and didn't hear anything. She knocked again.

"Jax? Are you okay?" she called through the door. She had just put her hand on the doorknob to open it when she heard the water running in the sink. She stepped back from the door and waited.

Jax opened the door slowly and walked back to the bed without seeing that Brenda was in the room. He crawled back under the covers and drew them up over his shoulders, closing his eyes. He was startled by a hand on his shoulder, but he didn't open his eyes to her. "Brenda," he said simply by way of acknowledgement that she was there.

His voice was raw and soft. She crouched down next to the bed again. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

He nodded slightly. "I'm fine." As fine as he could be.

He was asleep again within seconds and Brenda got up to leave once more. She went back into the other room, finished her dinner, and sat down in front of the fire. She picked up the second of the two books she'd brought with her for the weekend and began to read.

When she was halfway through the book, Brenda stopped reading and put it down. It was late and she was getting tired. She wasn't sure how good of an idea it was to sleep in the bed with Jax, but she knew she wanted to be close to him in case something happened during the night. She decided to go ahead and sleep in the bedroom and she got up to go to bed. She put one more log on the fire and went into the bedroom. Changing into a pair of flannel pajama pants and an oversized gray sweatshirt that had actually at one time been Jax's, she climbed into the bed, very careful not to disturb Jax. He didn't wake and she settled in to sleep, but it was a long time before she actually did sleep.

"Brenda, you know me as no one else ever has," Jax began. "The day I met you, in that airport in New York, I knew that I had finally found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. There was something about you that told me you had seen some of life's hardest problems and you had overcome them. I admired that about you from the moment I knew you. It was the first thing I fell in love with. Now, after two years, we've faced some of our own problems and we've faced them together, never doubting what we had together. I want to know that we'll face those problems together for the rest of our lives. And hopefully, one day, all the problems will be gone and we'll be left with pure, indescribable happiness with each other. With any luck, we'll have some of that before then, too. What I'm saying, Brenda, is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, beside you. And I want you beside me. Will you marry me?"

He opened the black velvet box in his hands and turned it to face her. There, in the box was the most perfect diamond ring she had ever seen. The large stone in the center sparkled with a life of its own and it was surrounded by a circle of perfect tiny sapphires. He was looking at her hopefully, almost as if he was doubting that she would say yes.

She smiled at him tenderly and leaned forward to kiss his lips softly. "Yes," she whispered. "Yes, of course I'll marry you."

His face lit with an ecstatic smile. "You will?!"

She nodded enthusiastically. He was taking the ring from the box and slipping it on her left hand. He kissed her hand when the ring was in place and then he kissed her.

It had been the merriest Christmas she'd ever had, that year. God, that was only a year ago, she thought. Brenda was awake the next morning and she was lying in the bed next to Jax. For as close as she was to him in the bed, there might as well have been a canyon between them. Even though he may not remember it was there, she did and she had to breathe deeply so that she wouldn't start crying.

She got up and took a long, hot shower after making sure Jax was still asleep. She dressed in a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt. Kneeling beside him at the side of the bed, she gently felt his forehead. It was still warm, but not as warm as it had been the night before. She hoped they'd be lucky enough that this wouldn't last too long. They needed some form of luck, so far they hadn't had too much of it.

Brenda went into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. She looked out the front windows and found that yet another foot or so of snow was on the ground. At this rate, they'd never get out of here. When the coffee was done, she poured a cup and sat down on the couch in front of the fire.

She thought about what she was doing. Here she was in a cabin in the Canadian mountains, taking care of her ex-fiancé who didn't want anything to do with her ever since he'd asked her to leave six months before. The reason she had come up here in the first place was to get away from him. She was trying to move on with her life and as hard as that was, it was harder when she was constantly reminded of him.

Everywhere she went in Port Charles was some sort of reminder of something they'd done together or something he was involved in. The only safe haven she had was her cottage in the outlying woods of the city. She had needed to get away from it all, away from Jax. She had needed to sort out her feelings for him.

It was simple, really. She was still in love with him. After everything she had done and everything he had done, she still loved him. It wasn't his fault everything was over between them. It was hers and she accepted that fact now. It had been difficult for awhile to think that she was capable of hurting him that deeply.

In defense of her actions, she had thought he had betrayed her. He hadn't, though, that was what counted. He had always been true to her and their love. She hadn't the day she started doubt him. The small seed of doubt planted in her grew day by day until she was angry at him. She had suddenly become sure that she was right for doubting him all along. She never should have listened.

But it was too late now. She couldn't change what had happened. She didn’t even think she could make up for it. The Jax she knew now wouldn't let her anyway. He was a very forgiving person at one time, but she had changed that the day she had hurt him. Now, he was guarded and closed up. She knew he was even more ruthless now in business and it was so unlike him. He was no longer the same person and she had done that. She had made him that way.

She saw him once about three weeks after he'd told her to leave. She was walking on her way to Kelly's to meet Lois for lunch. Jax was coming out the hotel where they had lived together and he still lived. He was talking on his cell phone to someone and not paying attention to where he was walking as he headed for the waiting car. He bumped right into her.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he said without looking up. Then, he did and his whole face changed. His eyes grew dark and his jaw clenched. He tried to move away and go to his car.

She stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Jax, please, wait a second."

"I don't have time for this, Brenda," his voice was hard and cold.

"I just want to know if I can talk to you. I think we need to talk about this and straighten it out. Please?" she pleaded with him.

"As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing to talk about." He walked away then and stepped into his car, leaving her standing on the curb.

Jax awoke to find the bedroom empty. He opened his eyes and saw the daylight around the edges of the curtains on the windows. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was late in the morning. He stretched slowly in the bed, finding that his body hurt considerably less than the day before. He wasn't quite as hot as he had been and his headache had finally dulled to a slight throb.

Brenda decided to check on Jax to see if he was still sleeping. She placed the coffee cup on the table in front of her and went into the bedroom. She opened the door slowly and peered inside.

Jax turned his head slightly when he heard the door creak open. "I'm awake," he said softly. His voice was hoarse and sounded strained.

She pushed the door open all the way and came inside. "Good. How do you feel?" It was becoming her perpetual question.

"Better, actually."

Someone had finally answered one of her prayers, she thought. "Do you want me to get you anything? How about some hot tea?" She had noticed he had lost his voice, or was close to losing it.

He considered it for a long time and finally agreed, nodding his head. She left the room and when she came back, she was carrying a steaming mug in her hand. He moved carefully and pulled himself into a sitting position against the headboard. She placed a couple pillows behind him when he sat up. He sipped the hot liquid silently.

Brenda opened the curtains so that he could see outside. For the first time since he'd been there, Jax noticed the view that the bedroom offered outside. It was truly beautiful. He could see a great expanse of snow-covered land interspersed with evergreen trees. He imagined that on a clear day they could probably see for miles across the mountain valleys. For now, with the lightly falling snow, it reminded him of a painting.

"I can't believe it's still snowing," Brenda commented. She sat down on the window seat and looked outside.

"At least we'll definitely have a white Christmas," Jax said, his voice little more than a whisper now.

"You shouldn't talk. You'll lose the little bit of voice you've got left," she smiled at him.

"That's going to be pretty boring, don’t you think? And since I don't know sign language…" he smiled back at her. He put down the mug on the nightstand next to him. He crossed his arms over his stomach which still wasn't as up to par as he would have liked it to be and he crossed his legs at the ankles under the covers. "So now what do we do?"

"You," she looked at him pointedly, "stop talking." She was trying to be stern, but she knew he wasn't going to pay the slightest bit of attention to her admonitions.

"Seriously, Brenda."

"I don't know. What do you want to do? We can play cards or another game of Monopoly," she suggested.

"Well, I'll beat you at Monopoly," he joked. "So, maybe we'd better get the deck of cards."

Brenda laughed with him and went to get the cards from the other room. She wanted Jax to stay in the bed for the day no matter how much he might protest later on. When she went into the room, she heard a strange sound. It almost sounded like a ringing of some sort, but she didn't know where it was coming from. She hadn't brought her cell phone with her. But maybe Jax had, she realized. She listened for the ringing again and heard it coming from the inside pocket of Jax's leather coat. He may not have even known it was in there since he didn't remember having brought it.

She answered the phone in mid-ring. "Hello?"

"Hello? Who's this? Brenda?" The surprised voice was that of Jax's mother, Lady Jane.

"Lady Jane?" It was all she could get out before the phone went dead in her hands. She looked at it quickly to see what happened. The battery was dead. Her only contact was now gone. Now they really had no way of getting a hold of anyone. She threw the phone down on the table next to the door, knowing it was useless. Picking up the deck of cards from the table, she went back to the bedroom.

Jax looked at her curiously. "Were you talking to yourself out there?" he teased her.

"No, actually, your cell phone rang."

"My cell phone?"

"Yeah, it was in your coat pocket. I answered it, but it went dead before I could talk to the other person on the phone. I think it was your mother, actually." She sat down on the other side of the bed from him and began to shuffle the cards.

There was yet another reminder that he didn't remember. He was really beginning to wonder how long this was going to go on. Maybe he should be worried about it, but there was nothing they could do about it. There were no doctors to run CAT scans on him or try to tell him what was wrong. Not yet, anyway. And until there were, he wouldn't worry about it.

They began to play cards. They played every game they could think of and then some, stretching into the ridiculous sometimes. They both forgot about their other problems and concentrated on enjoying each others' company. Gone were the guarded fronts they had in place for whatever their reasons. They joked and teased and had a good time.

But finally, Jax was tired of playing cards. He didn't want to go to sleep, though. "Brenda, tell me something," he began. He wondered, after the day they had spent, how receptive she would be.

"What?"

"Tell me about you."

"About me?"

"Yeah," he sounded curious. "I want to know who you are and what I did to you."

Brenda took a deep breath and looked down at her hands. What was she going to do now?

 

Chapter 5