If I Recall

Chapter 16

As Jax walked slowly towards the kitchen, he heard the light sound of Brenda's laughter.  She was apparently in a good mood and rather than be subjected to it, Jax decided to avoid it and went straight to the door leading to the outside deck.  He walked out into the breezy, warm day.  The sun was shining brightly and he squinted against it as his eyes adjusted.  The storm the night before had passed, but there was quite a bit of debris lingering on the beach until the tide came up to take it away.  He paused at the top of the steps before descending to take a walk on the beach.

Brenda heard the sliding door shut while she was in the kitchen.  Her smile faded and she looked at Charles.  "I wonder if he knows I'm still here," she said.

Charles nodded.  "I'm sure he does."  He turned to the stove and finished preparing an omelet for Brenda.  "He's still confused, I think.  That is, if you want my opinion."  He still wasn't sure if he should get involved.

"Oh Charles," Brenda said.  "Of course I want your opinion.  Who else knows Jax as well as I do?  Possibly even better than I do.  It seems to me like you think of him as if he were your son."

He nodded again.  "I do, Miss Barrett.  I've known Mr. Jacks since he was merely a child.  And you know, I don't think I've ever seen him this way in all those years."

Brenda picked up her plate and moved to the breakfast nook in the kitchen.  It had a bay window that looked down onto the sand and she could see Jax walking along the beach.  As she ate slowly, she wondered what she should do next.

Jax knew Brenda was still in the house, but that wasn't the reason he was avoiding going back.  He wanted to make sure he was clear in his own mind what it was he was thinking.  The problem was, he didn't know.

Finally, he returned to the house in the mid-afternoon.  It was warm out in the sun, but there was a cool breeze blowing.  The weather was absolutely perfect, but Jax was oblivious to it.  As he entered the house, he saw Brenda sitting in the living room on the couch.  She looked like she was reading a book from his shelves.  She didn't look up when he came into the room.  He watched her for a few minutes and then cleared his throat to get her attention.

"Brenda, what are you still doing here?"  He tried to keep any tone of insult out of his voice, but the look on her face told her he hadn't succeeded.

She put down the book and stood up.  "You look tired," she said, as she looked at him closely.  She doubted he had gotten much, if any sleep the night before.

"Brenda, that's not what I asked you.  What are you doing here?"

"It's simple really, Jax.  I'm not giving up on you."

"You're not giving up on me?" he repeated.  "What does that mean?  I thought I made it perfectly clear last night where we stood."

"You did."

"So why are you still here?  I thought you would have left by now."

"I almost did.  But something changed my mind."

Jax crossed his arms and looked down at her.  "Which was?"

"I remembered I love you, Jax."

"Brenda," he said in a warning voice.  He turned away from her and watched out the window.

Brenda stood her ground and refused to be quiet.  "No, Jax, don't 'Brenda' me.  It's true.  I love you and I am going to stay here and tell you over and over again until you believe me."

He was silent for a minute.  Then, he said quietly, "Don't you get it?  I do believe you.  I know you love me."  His voice broke in pain and she could see his eyes glittering with moisture.

"Then why…"  She stopped and trailed off, not knowing what to say.

Jax sat down on the couch and braced his arms on his knees.  He clasped his hands under his chin.  "I can't do it, Brenda.  I told you that last night."

She knelt in front of him and put her hands in her lap.  "I know you did, but I just don't understand how you can ignore our feelings for each other here."

"Because if I don't, it hurts too much.  I can't let those feelings take control of me again, not like I did.  I just can't.  Please?" he pleaded softly for her to give up.

She looked him straight in the eyes and said, "No.  I won't give up on you, Jax."

He stared into her eyes and saw the conviction there, defying him.  It was making him frustrated that she wouldn't honor his request and just leave.  He wanted her to go so that he could stop seeing the pain in her eyes every time he turned her away.  He wanted her to go so that he could stop wanting her.  They watched each other silently for a long time before Jax pushed himself off the couch in a quick, angry movement.

"Damn it, Brenda!  What do you want from me?" he exclaimed.

Surprised at his tone, but still refusing to back off, she stood in front of him.  "I want you to admit you love me.  I want you to say that you're as willing to fight for us as I am!  I want you to feel something, Jax!"

"I do feel something, Brenda.  I feel you!  I love you!  Okay?  I admit that!  I'm telling you that I love you.  Is that what you want?"

"No."

"Then what do you want from me?!" he raised his voice so that he was practically yelling at her.  His eyes were flashing with anger.

"I want you to be willing to give us another chance."

"I can’t do that!  I've told you that."  He shoved his hands into his hair and locked them behind his head so that his arms remained raised.  He bent his head back to look at the ceiling before he looked down at her again and dropped his hands to his sides.

"Why not, Jax?"  She was tired of hearing the same responses over and over again.  She wanted him to say something new.  "What more do you need than to know that I love you?  That I am not giving up on you?"

"Trust," he said simply.

"You keep saying that!" she exclaimed.

"What do you want me to say, Brenda?  That all of a sudden, it doesn't matter that you cheated on me six months ago.  That because of you, I lost all faith I ever had in our relationship.  Because I did.  I loved you with everything I had and you threw it away in one night.  Do you have any idea what that feels like?"

"No."

"No, that's right, you don't.  Because you did it to me!  I was the one who had the best thing I've ever known shattered in an instant."

"It did hurt me, too, Jax," Brenda interjected indignantly. 

"Oh, that's right," he said sarcastically.  He was getting more upset by the minute as he talked to her.  "It hurt you to have to come back to me and tell me what you did.  That you took the word of some other woman over my own.  You didn't trust me enough to know that I would never have cheated on you.  And I thought I knew you well enough to know the same.  But I didn't.  I don't think I ever really knew you, Brenda."

"It did hurt me, Jax.  It hurt me that you weren't willing to give me another chance."

"Another chance?!" he exploded.  "Was that what I was supposed to do?  I was supposed to just forget that you had slept with another man because you didn't trust me?  I was supposed to forget that just one week before that all happened you weren't so willing to give me another chance, were you?  You remember that, I'm sure!"

"Yes, I do.  And I apologize for that, Jax, you know I do.  But I did forgive you for it."

"Because I didn't do anything!" he shouted.  "I didn't give you that choice!"  He lowered his voice slightly.  "But you did, Brenda.  You gave me that choice and I'm sorry, I couldn't do it.  I could not just forget it happened."

"To know that I was the one that destroyed what we had over something so wrong nearly destroyed me.  I was insecure in our relationship, that's all I can tell you."

"And what do you think it did to me?!  You don't think that destroyed me, too?  How could you not know that you were the only person I loved?  Brenda, you are the only person I will ever love!  I told you that over and over again.  And you still threw it all away.  That hurt me more than you will ever know."

"I know!" she said.  Then, more quietly, she said, "I know it did.  And it was the biggest mistake of my life.  But I've already told you all of this.  None of it explains what is happening right now."

"All of it explains what is happening right now."  He calmed his voice and lowered his volume finally.  Sadness began to creep back in.  "I love you.  I am not denying that.  I will always love you.  But I cannot trust you.  I tried to, I really did.  You know I did.  But in that one second, two days ago, I realized that I can't."

"But you can.  You can trust in my love for you now."

"Now?  I thought I could trust in your love for me six months ago.  Look how that turned out."

"I am not the same person I was six months ago, Jax.  The night all of that happened, I changed."

"How?"

Brenda brushed the hair out her eyes and wiped away the moisture from the edge of her eyes.  "I told you it nearly destroyed me that I had to leave you."

"As it did me," he said softly.

"But you didn't show it.  To me, it looked like you were fine through all of it.  It wasn't until that mountain cabin that I knew otherwise.  I thought you hated me, Jax."

"I thought I did, too," he said honestly.

"And that was what did it to me.  That was what made me change.  I knew that the only man I loved, the only man I ever truly loved, hated me.  He hated who I was, who I had become.  And I couldn't be that person anymore.  I had to be someone worthy of your trust.  Someone you could love again."

Jax finally broke their gazes and moved across the room.  He stood in front of the picture window and crossed his arms in front of him.  His head bowed as he looked down on the beach again.  "I never hated you, Brenda."

"You just said you did," she protested.

"No, I didn't.  What I said was that I thought I hated you."  He turned to face her again, but remained in front of the window, across the room from her.  "I could never hate you.  Jerry knows that, it's one of the reasons he doesn't like you.  He thinks he's doing it enough for me, too.  Brenda, don't you see?  I love you too much to ever hate you."

"Then why can't we do this, Jax?  Why can't we try again?"

He had to look away from her big brown eyes pleading with him to take her back.  He knew the pain he saw was only reflecting what was in his own eyes.  "Maybe you have changed, but so have I, Brenda," he admitted.  "I don't want to sound like I'm blaming you for it, but the truth is, I'm not the same person I was six months ago.  I'm nowhere near the same person I was two years ago.  I opened my heart to you then and I took a huge chance on you.  I'd never known love until I met you, I don't think.  But you took it all away and I just cannot let you do it again.  I can't let anyone do it again."  His voice broke on his last words and he put his head down, looking toward the floor.  He was trying to stop the tears he felt welling in his eyes before they fell.

Brenda walked towards him slowly.  She wasn't sure what she was doing as she put her arms around him.  He didn't respond, but she continued to hug him anyway.  She could feel his shoulders begin to shake the longer she stood there with him.  Finally, he gave in and placed his arms around her waist.  His head was bowed into the crook of her neck and she could feel the warm tears as they ran down his face and onto her skin.  She only wrapped her arms around him tighter and held him.

They stood in the middle of the living room together for a long time.  Brenda didn't want to let him go and Jax didn't want her to.  After all his protesting, it felt so right to stand there in her embrace and allow her to comfort him.  He knew it was going against everything he had been saying for the last two days, even for the last six months.  But it was too right.  So now what was he supposed to do?

Brenda didn't see Jax for the rest of the day after he left the living room.  Night fell and she began to wonder, but she also knew he was responsible for himself and he'd be upset if she went looking for him.  She really had no idea where he was, just that he had left the house and hadn't come back yet.

Charles had stayed in discreet hiding for the better part of the day after he heard Jax and Brenda arguing earlier.  He didn't want to interfere.  Not when it seemed like they might be making some progress.  At least, he hoped they were making progress.

It was nearly eleven o'clock at night before Brenda heard the front door opening.  She was in the living room again, reading a novel from Jax's shelf.  She hoped it didn't look like she was waiting up for him.

Jax walked into the darkened house and immediately saw her in the living room.  He wasn't surprised.  "Brenda," he said only in acknowledgement and walked upstairs.

She got up and stopped him as he was at the top of the steps.  "Jax?"  He turned to look at her expectantly.  "Are you okay?"

He nodded and then said, "Yeah, I am."

He sounded extremely weary to her and she wondered if she should be worried, but decided against asking him.  "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked instead.

Jax shook his head gently.  "No, we'll talk tomorrow."  He turned back to go into his bedroom and left her standing at the base of the steps.

He didn't turn on the light when he entered the room.  He went to the balcony and opened one of the doors to go out onto it.  The night air was very breezy and had turned very cool, but the stars were out in full.  As he looked up at the sky, he smiled softly for the first time in two days.  He had decided what to do and know that he knew and there was no turning back this time, he felt a great weight lift off his chest.

He went back inside and got undressed to go to bed.  As he lay beneath the covers, he thought about his decision.  He didn't know what it was, but something Brenda had said earlier in the day had made his decision easier.  Maybe it was a combination of a lot of things.  Maybe he was just tired of fighting with her.  He knew he was tired of fighting his feelings for her.  Now, he wasn't going to.  His feelings existed and there was nothing he could do about that.  But there were other things he could do to affect what he did about them.

He was relaxed and happy with his decision.  He closed his eyes and turned on his side to sleep.  It was only a few moments before the self-inflicted exhaustion from the previous days took over and he was asleep.

Brenda had gone back into the living room, but she didn't pick up her book.  Instead, she stood bathed in the lamplight and wondered what had happened.  She could tell from the few moments she had spoken to Jax that he had made peace with something.  She had seen the difference and knew he was more relaxed now than he had been for the last few days.  Now, she only wondered what his decision had been or what it had been about.

The next morning, Brenda suspected she was awake long before Jax was.  After she had showered and dressed, she opened her door to find that his was still closed with the lights out underneath.  Just to be sure, she opened the door a crack and saw him still sleeping in the middle of the bed.  He looked so peaceful, and she knew whatever decision he had come to was helping that.  She closed the door without a sound and went downstairs to get something to eat.

Charles had left a plate for her since he'd had to run into town to do errands.  There was also a plate for Jax if he was hungry when he got up.  She ate her breakfast sitting at the table overlooking the beach.  The tides from the night had restored the Malibu beachside to its beauty when it removed the storm debris from the sands.  She smiled up at the bright blue sky that was still getting brighter as the sun rose high in the morning sky.  A gentle breeze blew through the trees.

After watching the ocean for a few minutes, Brenda picked up the cordless phone from the living room and went out onto the deck in the back.  She sat on a chaise lounge and dialed Lois's phone number at home.  "Hi Lois," she said when her friend picked up.

"Brenda!" Lois exclaimed.  "Where are you?  We've been worried about you!"

"I'm all right, Lo.  I'm in California."

"California?  What are you doing there?"

"I came out here to find Jax after he left Port Charles."

"And did you?"

Brenda sighed.  "Yeah, I found him."

"Uh-oh, that doesn't sound all that good, Bren.  What happened?"

She told her the whole story beginning with the first day on the beach and ending with the previous night.

"So what do you think his decision was?" Lois asked after listening intently.

"I'm not sure, you know."  Brenda looked out over the blue ocean with its waves crashing on the beach in even intervals. 

"What do you want it to be?"

"You know what I want it to be, Lo.  I want him to tell me he's decided to try again."  She took a deep breath.  "But I'm so afraid…" her voice trailed off in thought.

"Afraid of what, Bren?"

"I'm so afraid that he's going tell me he's not ever coming back.  That maybe he's leaving to get away from me.  That would be like him, you know.  Especially now."

"Oh Bren," Lois sighed.  She didn't know what to say.  There was no way she could guarantee Jax wouldn't do exactly that.  "Try not to think that.  Who knows, right?  If he tells you he loves you and that he wants you back, you'll be happy.  But if he tells you he's leaving, yes, it'll hurt, but you'll know he loves you.  And look at it this way, there could still be a chance even if he wants to leave."

"How?  You don't think that's kind of final?"

"Not necessarily.  You know he loves you, that's never going to change.  If it's meant to happen, it will.  You just have to wait and see."

They talked for a little while longer, but Lois couldn't offer anymore reassuring words.  Right now, there were no guarantees and they both knew it.  Only Jax knew his decision.

Brenda hung up the phone, but stayed out on the deck for a long time, enjoying the sun.  She knew she'd be returning to Port Charles soon, no matter what the outcome of the day was and she wanted to enjoy what little warmth she could while she was in Malibu.

Jax woke slowly from a deep slumber.  He felt as if he had slept well for the first time in quite a few days.  He stretched his arms up over his head as he got out of bed and looked outside.  The sun was shining brightly as he gazed out at the beautiful day.  He ran his fingers through his hair and went to take a shower.  He dressed in blue jeans and a white t-shirt.  He put on a pair of brown shoes and went downstairs.

There was no sign of Brenda anywhere in the house.  As he searched for her, he was afraid she had left.  He hoped not.  Not before he got a chance to tell her what his decision had been.  She needed to know and as soon as he could find her, he'd tell her.  He looked all through the house, but she was nowhere to be found.  Finally, he caught a glimpse of something out on the back deck and he went to see what it was.  He found Brenda sitting in a chaise lounge chair, facing the ocean and away from him as he approached.

"I thought you'd left," he said as he came up behind her.  He stood in front of her, leaning against the wood railing that surrounded the edge of the deck.

"I told you I wouldn't do that," Brenda responded lightly.  She smiled cautiously as he looked like he was in a good mood.

Jax smiled slightly in return.  "Yes, you did say that."  He crossed his arms across his chest and looked down at her sitting in the chair in front of him.  She was wearing a pair of blue jeans and a bright red scoop-necked t-shirt.  Her feet were bare and she looked most natural as she sat there.  Her hair was pulled up in a barrette at the back of her head.

They watched each other in silence, before Brenda finally said something.  "Jax, did something change?"  She didn't know how else to approach it with him, but he was definitely treating her differently today than he had been.

He nodded vaguely and he looked up to gaze out at the ocean for a few moments.  "You might say that," he said.

"What happened?"

Turning his head, his blue eyes met hers directly.  "I made a decision last night."

She'd known it, but she was surprised to realize as he said that she had also been afraid of that.  She was afraid of what his decision had been, as she'd told Lois.  But she was a little afraid that he'd made one at all, too.  "About?" she prodded gently.

"Us," he responded simply.

Brenda wasn't sure what to say, but she asked cautiously, "And what did you decide?"  She stood up slowly from the chair and stood directly in front of him.

Jax didn't say anything for a few moments.  He watched her carefully.  He knew he was doing a pretty good job of hiding what he was feeling right now.  The mix of emotions inside of him was making him nervous, but he was going to go through with it.  He was definitely going to tell her.  "First of all," he began.  "I want to make something perfectly clear and I want a promise from you."

"Okay."

"We said just a week or so ago that we wouldn't make false promises to each other and we wouldn't promise what we couldn't keep.  I'm not doing either one.  What I am going to tell you, I do not want you to argue with, please?  This is my decision and I don't want you to try to change my mind.  Please?"  He was very serious as he said it and he wanted her promise on it.

Brenda nodded silently.  Suddenly, she wasn't confident at all in what he was going to tell her.  Her breathing was quickening more every minute and she was afraid he was really going to do it.  He was telling her he was leaving her for good.  Why else would he want her to promise not to argue with him?  Whatever he was going to tell her, he was doing a good job of masking it because she had no idea.

"Now, before I go on, I need you to answer me two questions, Brenda.  Do you love me?"

Without a second's hesitation, she said, "Of course I do, Jax.  I love you more than anything."

He only nodded in response.  "And secondly, do you trust me?"

Without thinking, she nodded again.  "With my life," she said, the passion apparent in her voice.  He showed no reaction to her answers, which was what she was afraid of.  She knew it.  He was going to leave her.

"Brenda," Jax said softly. "I need you to know something before any of this will ever happen.  I believe this decision is what is best for the both of us.  I cannot live another day trying to avoid you.  I can't keep trying to ignore my feelings for you.  It's too hard and I don't want to do it anymore."

She stopped him before he could go on.  "I knew it," she breathed softly, feeling the air rush out of her lungs.  "You're going to leave.  I pushed you too far."  She looked up at him with tears in her eyes as she pleaded with him.  "Please, Jax, please don't leave.  I don't want you to give up your life because I forced you into thinking you had to."

Jax listened to her and then placed his hands on her shoulders.  She stopped speaking when he touched her, but she didn't look at him.  If she had, she would have seen the soft smile on his face as he shook his head.  He knew she'd think that.  "Brenda, look at me."  When she hesitated, he placed his hand under her chin and forced her to look at him.  He smiled again and saw the confusion reflect in her eyes.  "I'm not going anywhere.  That wasn't my decision."

"It wasn't?" she whispered tearfully.

"No, it wasn't," he shook his head, still holding her chin.  He moved his hands so that his palm lay against the side of her face.  "Brenda, I love you.  When I said that I didn't want to ignore my feelings anymore, I meant that I was going to stop ignoring them.  I want to love you.  I want to be with you.  I don't want to deny what I feel anymore just because I should.  I don't want to feel like I can't love you just because someone thinks I should."

She stood in front of him, her mouth agape, but joy was quickly spreading through her body.  "Jax," she said incredulously.  "How?  Why?"

"I don't know.  It was something inside me last night that clicked.  That's all I know.  Maybe it was what you said, maybe it was what I said.  Maybe someone just finally knocked some sense into me.  I don't know.  I do know I love you and I want to be with you.  Only you."

"But what about trusting me?" she asked, afraid to bring it up, but knowing they had to talk about it.

"That's why I asked you what I did.  When you didn't even hesitate to say yes, I knew.  I knew in that second that you were who said you were last night."

Brenda didn't know what to say.  She was stunned, but ecstatic.  "Oh my God," she said, smiling.

"Now wait a minute before you get that excited.  There are still problems to work out between us."

"I know."

"But from now on, I want us to be together.  I want us-"

Brenda cut him off with a searing kiss at that moment.  She was tired of waiting for him to stop talking long enough for her to do it.  She felt him grin against her lips as he opened his mouth to her.  She deepened the kiss and drew closer to him.  He threaded his fingers into her hair and pulled her into his body.  Their lips moved together in a heated passion until Jax finally broke away breathless.  They were both smiling.  Jax held Brenda close to him, his arms wrapped securely around her waist.  She leaned her head against his broad chest and sighed contentedly.

"I love you, Brenda," Jax said softly.

"I love you, too," she responded and moved her head to look up into his eyes again.  "And I want to be with you, Jax.  More than you'll ever know.  Only you."

He smiled down at her.  "Forever you," he said and bent to kiss her again.

Charles smiled as he glanced out the kitchen window and saw the two of them together.  He'd known it would happen.  He wished them every happiness in the world as he watched the them.  Brenda had found what she had come after and somehow she had healed Jax's broken heart.  He was never so sure two people were supposed to be together.

 

Chapter 17