If I Recall

Chapter 15

"Jax?" Brenda repeated softly when it appeared that he hadn't heard her.  Her hand remained on his shoulder, but he didn't turn to look at her.

Jax felt her beside him as soon as she'd sat down.  Before she'd even put her hand on his shoulder, he'd known she was there, but he didn't make any move to brush away the tear that was falling down his face or to look at her.  He did, however, close his eyes and bow his head slightly.  He didn't want to talk to her right now.  Things were still way too confused in his mind for that.  He only wondered how she'd found him and why she'd come there.

Seeing that he wasn't going to respond to her, but that he had heard her, Brenda sighed.  She gazed up out at the crashing ocean waves, the noise drowning out much of the other sounds.  It looked like they might be in for a real storm that night.  Maybe they should be taking that as an omen, she thought.  She sat down cross-legged next to him on the sand, taking her hand from his shoulder and folding hers in her lap.  For a long time, she studied him, his head bowed to look down at the sand.  All she could see was the profile of his face, but she could see the depths of his sadness even in that.

She wondered how to even begin to say anything to him, not knowing the words to use to make him believe her.  "It wasn't what it looked like, Jax," she said quietly, but loudly enough for him to hear it above the waves.  She turned to look out at the ocean again.

He knew she was going to say that.  He moved, placing his arms across his knees and putting one hand up to his eyes to wipe away any residual tears he felt.  He drew his hand down over his face and finally looked up, staring at the ocean, as well.  He refused to look at her.  He was afraid that if he did, he'd see the apology in her eyes and want to forgive her and he didn't want to do that just yet.  He wasn't ready to forgive her.

Just when she was about to give up hope of getting a response, Jax said, "I don't want to talk about this right now."

"But we have to," she said, turning her head to look at him.  The wind continued to blow her hair around her face, but she made no effort to keep pushing it back. 

Slowly, he shook his head.  "Not now, we don't," he said again.  Without another word, he got up from his seat on the sand and started to walk down the beach and away from the house.

Brenda jumped up to follow him, but she thought quickly about it and decided against it.  She went back up the steps to the house, noticing the figure that left the living room windows as she approached.  She slid open the patio doors and went straight to the kitchen, knowing that was where Charles would be.

"Has he been like this since he got here, Charles?" she asked, taking a seat on one of the kitchen stools next to the counter.

"He has," Charles responded.  "He hasn't said a word to me since he arrived.  Just went upstairs last night and out to the beach this morning when he came down."  Low thunder rumbled outside in the background, catching both of their attentions.

"It's going to storm tonight, isn't it?" Brenda asked, her worried eyes searching the darkened sand for Jax's figure.  She didn't see him anymore.

"It's supposed to and pretty well, I think."

She watched silently as Charles prepared a simple dinner for her and also a plate for Jax when he returned.  As he put the plate in front of her to eat, she found that she wasn't very hungry, but picked at the food anyway.  "I'm worried about him, Charles," she said finally, after a long silence.  "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do here.  I'm not even sure I'm supposed to be here.  Maybe I should leave," she said.

Charles shook his head gently.  "No, I don't think so.  I think you're exactly what he needs right now.  He just doesn't know it yet.  And besides, someone else must feel that way for them to tell you where to find him."  He was pretty sure he knew that Jerry had told Brenda where to find Jax.  If Jerry was willing to give away his brother's location at his safe house, he must trust the person a lot to help him.

The thunder began to grow louder outside and a bolt of lightning flashed through the sky.  Brenda was beginning to hope Jax would make it inside before it began to rain.  She smiled a small smile at Charles to thank him for his words of encouragement, but she wasn't entirely convinced she should stay.  She finished her meal and left the kitchen. 

She wandered through the darkened house, reacquainting herself with it.  She remembered it well from the time she'd been there with Jax while he'd been recovering.  But then, Jax had been using the bedroom that was downstairs instead of his normal master suite upstairs.  She noticed the door was closed to his room as she passed by it.  She also saw that Charles had made up the bedroom across the hall from Jax for her to stay in.  The sheets were turned down on the four-poster, canopied bed.  Her bag was unpacked in the dresser that ran along the far wall.  A small nightlight was lit in the far corner, as well, for her.

Brenda returned to the living room, walking through it just as another streak of lightning lit the sky.  She looked in vain to find Jax on the beach, but the light was too brief and she didn't see him.  She sat on the couch with its back to the picture window overlooking the beach.  She turned so that she could watch out the window.  The next streak of lightning that lit the room was finally accompanied by the first raindrops.  The rain was light for a few minutes, but it quickly picked up into a hard, driving downpour.  The water streamed down the face of the window next to Brenda.

Jax could feel the rain beginning to fall and he knew he should return to the house before he got soaked, but he didn't move.  He'd been sitting on a somewhat hidden expanse of land near the house.  He knew that it could not be seen from inside, from any room.  Trying to avoid Brenda was getting harder, he thought, especially if she continued to follow him wherever he went.

He wanted to give her another chance, but he just couldn't.  Not this time.  He knew he was in love with her and he thought he was ready to turn his heart over to her again, but this made him realize that maybe he hadn't been.  He wanted the faith in their relationship to be there, but the fact was that it just wasn't.  He wasn't sure now if it ever could be again.

The rain turned to the downpour and Jax knew he had to go back inside.  Slowly, he got up and trudged up the beach to the steps and eventually to the patio.  He hesitated before he opened the doors and finally went inside.  He saw Brenda almost immediately when he came into the hallway with his clothes soaking wet now.  She got up from the couch in the living room that was lit by a single lamp.  He met her eyes as she came closer and held up a hand for her to stop.  He shook his head weakly and said, "Please…don't."  He turned from her and went upstairs to his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Brenda stood still for a minute before she allowed what he'd said to sink in.  She realized in that minute just how deeply she had hurt him.  They really were back at square one where he almost didn't want anything to do with her.  But she had the advantage this time.  She was there to tell him the truth and that she loved him.  She had traveled across the country to track him down and make sure he knew what had happened.  There had been no waiting, no hesitation.  And she was going to make him listen and make him give her at least a chance to redeem herself, even if she had to wait all night.

Jax slowly peeled his wet clothes off his body.  His jeans and shirt were completely soaked and he was freezing cold.  The driving rain had been colder than usual because of the winter season.  He turned on the water in his shower and stepped into the steaming water, warming his body again.  For a long time, he stood under the steady stream, leaning on his forearms against the wall.  When he finally turned off the water, he dressed in a pair of black jeans and black t-shirt.  His feet were bare as he combed his hair with his fingers and looked briefly in the mirror.  His face was pale and drawn with dark circles under his eyes.

He stayed as long as he could in his bedroom until the rumbling in his stomach forced him to go downstairs to the kitchen to get something to eat, even though he wasn't really hungry.  He moved quietly through the house, wondering for a second where Charles was and what he was doing.  As he passed the living room, he saw that Brenda was, indeed, still there.  He knew she was probably waiting for him, but he didn't stop.

He didn't know what to say to her.  How was he supposed to look her in the eyes and tell her that their chance was over?  He couldn't do it.  He couldn't find it in himself to trust her enough to be with her, in any way.  Their brief friendship would be over again and he knew she'd be hurt, but what about what she'd done to him?  As he moved about the kitchen, finding and fixing the plate that Charles had left for him, he remained as silent as possible.

Brenda got tired of waiting for him to come to her, since she knew he wasn't going to do it.  She had to go to him and force him to listen to her.  She got up from the couch and went into the kitchen doorway, flipping on the light as she stood there.

Jax had no choice but to react.  The sudden brightness of the lights startled him and he lost his vision for a few seconds until his eyes could adjust.  He squinted at the doorway at Brenda and sighed when he realized it was her.

"You can't avoid me forever, Jax.  I won't let you," she said firmly.

He turned and leaned his hip against the counter, crossing his arms stoically across his chest.  "Can we please not do this tonight?" he sighed.

He looked tired to her.  She wondered if he'd slept the night before at all.  Probably as much as she had, she thought.  There was no anger in his voice, just a calm coldness that frightened her more than anything else would have.  "If not now, then when?  Tomorrow?  The next day?  No, Jax.  We do need to do this now.  I need to do this now," she said.  "You need to understand what happened and what you saw."

"I know what I saw," he said, the first hints of pain creeping into his voice.  But then he recovered and said, "But I also know that it is your right to do whatever you want.  I don't have any say over what you do or who you see."

"What you saw was not what you think you saw, Jax," she said again.

"I don't need to know what it was."

"Yes, you do.  I need you to know."

"Look, Brenda," Jax said, taking a few steps toward her.  "I do not need to know what you were doing, all right?  I do not want to hear about it.  I don't need to hear about it.  What you do and who you do it with is your prerogative.  I am not going to stop you, but I definitely do not need to hear about it."  Having lost his appetite completely, he tried to leave the kitchen.

Brenda stepped in front of him and physically forced him to stop.  She met his eyes solidly with her own.  She was startled to see such a lack of emotion deep in his eyes.  A cloud of sadness covered his normally clear blue eyes, but that was the only thing she was able to see.  "You don't understand," she said one more time and then forged on before he could interrupt her again.  "I was not kissing Tom out of any kind of feeling for him.  I was saying goodbye to him.  For good, Jax," she said softly.

"That was one hell of a goodbye then," he said coldly.  He hadn't realized before she'd said it that the man in Kelly's had been Tom.  Knowing that now made it worse for him to think about.  He'd known Tom wanted to ask Brenda out and he actually had.  It made him mad and he wasn't sure he liked that feeling.

"You don't know what you saw, Jax!" Brenda finally said, getting slightly angry.  "It was goodbye.  As in, I won’t see you again, don’t write, don't call, as in goodbye!  He asked me out, yes, but I said no, Jax.  And do you want to know why I said no, Jax?"

"No," he said simply and softly.

She hadn't expected him to say that.  She was expecting him to be arguing with her.  Instead, all she was getting was a voice devoid of emotion and feeling.  He didn't care right now, she realized.  Whatever this was ran deeper than just her kissing another guy on the cheek.  Now she only wished she knew what it was.  "I'll tell you anyway," she said.

Jax stepped back into the kitchen and leaned against a close counter again.  He wanted desperately to believe her, but he didn't know if he could.  He didn't know if this even changed anything.  He waited for her to go on.

"I turned Tom down because of you, Jax," Brenda said softly.  Her voice was so soft that he'd barely heard her, but he didn't say anything.  "Did you hear me?  It was because of you.  I don't want to see anyone, date anyone.  I don't need anyone else, but you, Jax.  You see, I love you.  It's that plain and simple.  I love you and I will wait for you.  I will wait forever for you.  Don’t you get it?  There is no one else for me.  You are it and I will wait for you.  And I will wait for you to realize that and trust that in your own heart."  She had moved closer to him and with her last words, she placed her palm flat against his chest where his heart lay beneath.

At her confession, Jax bowed his head and closed his eyes.  He put his hand on hers lightly and then dropped it to his side again.  He'd screwed up and now he knew it.  But what was he going to do about it?  He looked up again and into her eyes.  "I'm sorry, Brenda," he said sadly.  He didn't say anything else, but instead moved away from her silently and left the kitchen.

Brenda followed him up to his bedroom.  He left the door open slightly behind him and she pushed through it and stood behind him as he looked out at the rain still falling on his balcony.  Jax was silent for a very long time.

Finally, he said, knowing she was standing there, "I do love you too, you know, Brenda."  Her breath caught at his admission, but then he continued.  "And that's why this hurts so much."  He turned to looked at her.  "I can't do it.  You may love me and I may love you, but I can’t do it."

"I don't understand," she said, tears coming to her eyes.

"I was wrong to assume what I saw.  I admit that.  And I am sorry for that.  But if there is anything this whole thing has made me see, it's that I cannot do this.  We cannot do this."

"I don't know what you're trying to say, Jax."

"Brenda, when I saw you kissing Tom yesterday, it took everything right out of me.  I couldn't breathe and I felt like I was going to burst inside.  I realized in that one second that I was still in love with you.  I didn't just love you as a friend, as I had made you think I did, as I had wanted to believe I did.  I was fully in love with you.  Yesterday, I was willing to tell you that I wanted to try again with you."

Brenda was happy to hear that and almost went to him immediately, until she heard his next words.

 "But then I saw you and I lost it all.  Everything I'd felt was gone in that same instant.  And it's all made me see that, knowing the truth now, I can't love you this way.  It's not fair to you to do that.  I cannot let you think that I am in love with you and then turn around one day and run because I see you with another man.  I can't do that to you and I can’t do that to me.  Do you get what I'm saying?" 

She saw the utter sadness in his eyes while he spoke.  It was killing him to say these things to her.  Just as it was killing her to have to hear them.  She nodded silently, tears beginning to fall down her face.  At her tears, a single tear fell from Jax's eyes, confirming to her just how much it was hurting him.  "I do get it.  You're saying that you can't trust me.  You can't trust in me, in our love for each other.  Our love is not enough this time.  But, Jax, what you don't realize is that you can trust me."

"How do I know that, Brenda?" he whispered painfully.

"Because I'm telling you that you can," she responded.

"That's just it," he said.  "I can't do it, Brenda.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry."  He turned away from her before she saw the tears in his eyes begin to fall freely.

Brenda saw his shoulders shaking as he stood with his back to her.  She tried to control her own tears.  "So am I, Jax," she said softly.  She turned then and left the room silently, crossing the hall and closing the door to her own bedroom.

On both sides of the hallway, Jax and Brenda each slid to the floor, crying.  They'd both just broken each other's and their own hearts.

Jax looked up from the floor as he heard a soft knock on his door.  As he got up slowly, he realized that it was early morning and he had been sitting on the floor all night long.  He'd stopped crying a long time ago when everything just faded off into vague thoughts and wishes.  He wasn't sure it could really have been called sleeping, but he knew there were probably a few periods of time missing from the night that he'd had his eyes closed during. 

He crossed to the door and opened it slowly.  Charles stood behind it, waiting for him patiently.  "Charles?" Jax questioned as he rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"Sir, I was just wanting to give you the messages that your brother left for you.  He said that he needs you to call him when you get a chance."  Charles stood tall, but looked regretful at interrupting his employer.  He didn't know just how important Jerry's messages were, so he'd waited until what he'd thought as the best possible time to come up.

Jax sighed.  "When did he call?"

"He's called three times.  Once last night, once the night before, and once again this morning.  He didn't say whether it was an emergency, just that it was important."

"Thank you, Charles," Jax said as he started to close the door.

"Sir?"

He opened the door again.  "Yes?"

"Should I be fixing breakfast for either you or Miss Barrett this morning?"

Jax glanced across the hall at the still closed door and shook his head.  "Not for me.  I don't know about Brenda," he said softly.  Again, he began to close the door.

Charles's father-figure feelings took over and he said one more time, "Sir?"

Jax swung the door wide open again.  There the slightest hint of a smile on his face, but it vanished as soon as it was there.  "Yes, Charles?" he said again.

"I'm sorry, but are you okay?"

"No," he answered honestly, shaking his head slightly.  "But I will be."  He closed the door once and for all then.  He could hear Charles turn and walk down the hallway.  "Someday," he whispered behind the door.

Jax was tired and he didn't know whether he should call his brother first or get some real sleep first.  The night before had just kind of passed without him realizing it.  He thought about what it was that Jerry might want from him.  It was probably about Brenda, he realized.  Jerry had probably been the one to tell her where to find him, so now he probably wanted to talk to him about how it was going or what had happened.  He didn't feel up to that right now, so he laid down on the bed, determined to sleep for a few hours.  Before he closed his eyes, he turned the ringer back on for the phone next to his bedside.  In seconds, he'd relaxed and fallen asleep.

Brenda stretched her arms over her head as she sat up in her bed.  She could tell from the brightness surrounding her window shades that it was sometime in the midmorning.  She had actually slept the night before.  She hadn't thought she was going to be able to, but once she'd finally cried herself to sleep lying on the bed, she hadn't woken up again until now.  Looking around, she remembered the night before and made a decision.  She was going home.  There was nothing more she could do now.

Jax didn't want to be with her and she seriously doubted there was anything she could do to change his mind.  In her heart of hearts, she knew he was right, too.  If they couldn't trust each other, there was no relationship to have.  She understood that now.  He'd finally explained it to her in just the way that she would know.  He'd misinterpreted her actions and it had broken his heart.  She couldn't let that happen again, but it didn't mean she didn't love him all the same.

She threw back the covers on her bed and got up.  She took a quick shower and dressed.  She put the rest of her belongings back into her overnight bag and zipped it shut.  Opening the door to the room, she glanced once at the closed door in front of her and she turned and walked down the steps to the front hallway.  There would be no goodbyes, she thought.  It was hard enough as it was, there was no need to add to it by saying more things that would just end up hurting them.  Even saying goodbye would be too painful since it meant that they were truly done.  Maybe if she didn't say it and just left, there could still be hope one day for them.  She knew there was a part of her that would never give up on that hope.

Charles came out of the kitchen in time to see Brenda picking up the hall phone to call for a cab.  "Are you leaving, Miss Barrett?" he asked her quietly. 

Brenda turned to face him, a grim look on her face.  "Yes, Charles, I am leaving.  There isn't anything else I can say to Jax here.  He doesn't even want me here."

"But he does, Miss," he blurted out before he could stop himself.

"What do you mean?  Did he tell you that?"

Charles shook his head.  "No, but I could see it when I spoke to him this morning."

"You talked to him this morning?  How did he look?"  She couldn’t resist asking.  She wondered if he'd been as upset as she had been.  What she didn't know was that he had been more upset than she had been.

"Like he hadn't slept all night."

"How do you know he wants me here?"

"I can see it in his eyes."  He walked closer to her and stood right in front of her so that she would see the sincerity in his eyes.  "He may hurt now, but you are the only one who can fix it, Miss Barrett."

Brenda sighed and shifted her weight from foot to foot.  "But I already tried to fix it, Charles," she said.  "He didn't want it.  He didn't want me."

"He's afraid to want you, I think," he said boldly.  "Look, Miss Barrett, Mr. Jacks's brother would not have told you where to find him unless he believed you could help, right?"

She considered for a moment and then nodded.  "I guess so.  Jerry isn't too fond of me being with Jax right now."

"You see?  If Mr. Jacks thinks you are good for his brother, then you have to believe that you are good for him."

"But we talked about it, Charles.  Jax has decided we can't do this."

"So talk about it again.  And then again if you have to."  He didn't know where it was all coming from, but Charles was really hoping that one day his employer would thank him for butting in where he shouldn't be.  "Do you love him, Miss Barrett?"

The blunt question surprised her, but without hesitation, she nodded.  "More than anything in this world."

"Then you have to fight for him.  Make him believe that you love him.  Even if he doesn't want to, he will listen.  It may just take some time."  With his last words, Charles gave her a chagrined look and turned to go back into the kitchen, hoping he hadn't overstepped his boundaries.

Brenda watched Charles leave, but stood in the hallway for several long minutes afterwards.  Maybe she should do as Charles was telling her to.  Maybe she should stay and fight for Jax again.  Maybe if she stayed long enough, she would eventually win.  Should she take the chance?

Jax heard the phone ring once and instinctively reached for it before Charles could answer it for him.

"Were you asleep or something, Jax?" Jerry asked as soon as he heard his brother's voice mumble a hello.

He'd known it would be his brother.  He sat up on his elbows and leaned against the headboard.  "Or something," he said, yawning once.

"Don’t tell me, Brenda kept you up last night?" Jerry said in a disgusted tone.  Had he really sent her out there to do that?  He knew that wasn't what he'd wanted to happen.

"Oh God, Jer, don't start, please?" Jax said, irritated already. 

"Well, is she at least there?"

"Why?  Are you looking for her?  Did you want to talk to her?"  Jax's bad mood was reflecting in his tone and he didn't mean for it to, but Jerry was bringing out the best in him.  "And by the way, are you the one who sent her out here?"  He knew that his brother had, but he wanted to hear it from him.

"No, I'm not looking for her, Jax," Jerry said, his voice dripping with sarcasm in return.  "What would I possibly want with her?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

"All right, enough, tell me, little brother, what is up with you this morning?" he asked, exasperatingly.  He'd only heard him in such bad mood maybe once or twice before in his entire life.  Usually, it meant one of two things, Jax was hiding his true feelings or Jax had been shot down.  He didn't figure it could be the latter of the two.

Jax sat up fully against the headboard of the bed and pulled his knees up to his chest.  He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes, sighing.  "Look, I'm sorry, Jer.  It's just that I didn't get much sleep, thanks to you sending Brenda out here."

"I knew it!" Jerry exclaimed.

"Knew what?  You don't know anything," Jax replied softly.  "It's not what you're thinking."

Jerry paused for a second.  "You mean, you two aren't together?"

"No," Jax said almost too quietly for Jerry to hear him.

He heard the pain in his little brother's voice and wished he could take it away for him.  "Jax, what happened?" he asked, hoping he'd tell him, but not knowing if he would.

Jax proceeded to tell Jerry everything over the phone, his voice breaking often.  He had to stop once to control the tears welling in his eyes as he told his brother about turning Brenda away for the last time.

Jerry was silent when Jax finished telling him what had happened.  He allowed him time to collect himself.  Then, he said, "I'm sorry, Jax."

"For what?" Jax sighed.  He wiped his free hand across his eyes.  His fingers rested on the bridge of his nose to try and block the headache that was starting.

"For sending her out there.  I thought she would help you."

"She did," he said quietly.  "That's the problem."  He said goodbye softly and hung up the phone.  He sat for a long time in the same position on the bed.  Once, he wondered what Brenda was doing right then.  He realized he hadn't heard a sound from the direction of her room all morning.

After awhile, Jax swung his legs over the side of the bed and opened the door to his bedroom.  It was almost noon as he walked slowly down the steps.  He saw Brenda's overnight bag in the front foyer, but he didn't see her.  He wondered when she was planning on leaving.  It never occurred to him that she wasn't planning on leaving.  Not now, not anytime soon.

 

Chapter 16