If I Recall

Chapter 14

The beginning of the New Year dawned early for Jax.  He hadn't slept much the night before when he got home from Brenda's cottage.  He'd been too busy trying to think of reasons why he would have kissed her like that.  And after several hours, all he could come up with was because he wanted to.  It was that simple.  He wanted to kiss her.  He wanted her. 

But he didn't know what to do about it.  He knew that because of last night's kiss, Brenda probably had a different idea of where they stood now.  Question was, was that such a bad thing?  Did he want things to be different for them?  Did he trust Brenda enough to want more than that?  More importantly, did he trust his heart enough to want more than that?

When the phone rang at eight o'clock, he'd already been awake for hours.  He was just lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, with his hands beneath his head, and thinking.  He picked up the phone on its third ring.

"I thought you might already be up," Brenda said as soon as he said hello.

"Yeah, I am.  What's up?"

"Lois and Ned, actually.  They need to change the time for tonight.  Their sitter isn't able to get there until six.  So is that okay?  We'll meet them at six-thirty instead of five-thirty at your place?"

"Oh yeah, that's fine, I guess.  It's not like I had any other plans."  He smiled, relaxing a little.  There was no tension between them right now, but then again, they weren't talking in person either.

"Do you want to have other plans?" she asked tentatively.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, lunch.  Would you like to have lunch with me today?"  She didn't know why she was asking.  She didn't really expect him to say yes, which is why she was surprised when he did.

"Sure," he actually agreed rather quickly.  Who knew?  Maybe it would be best to feel this out before they were with other people.  After all, if they were too uncomfortable alone, maybe that evening wouldn't be a good idea.

They agreed to meet at Kelly's again at noon.  Jax hung up the phone, actually smiling.  Maybe there was hope for them yet.  He got up and went to take his shower and dress.

Brenda also went to shower when she hung up the phone.  She had a meeting with Lucy at Kelly's, which was why she suggested it to Jax for lunch.  She would already be there.  She got ready and left to meet her boss.

The meeting with Lucy took a full three hours and Brenda honestly didn't know why.  But she didn't mind, either.  Lucy was good company and a good boss.  Brenda enjoyed working with her a lot and they'd always been good friends.  Having a business meeting with her was like talking and gossiping with a friend for three hours.  At eleven-thirty, Lucy suddenly jumped up, remembering another appointment she had for lunch.  She left Brenda still sitting at the table in her wake, with half an hour before Jax would be there.

Brenda got up and went over to the counter, sitting on one of the stools.  She was chatting with Bobbie when she felt a tap on her shoulder.  Smiling, thinking it was Jax already, she turned to face the person.  It wasn't Jax.  "Tom?" she asked in surprise and almost shock.

Before her stood Tom, the man who had come to their rescue up in Canada.  He was smiling as much in surprise as she was.  "I thought that was you, Brenda."

"Tom," she repeated.  "What are you doing here?"  She got up and led the way over to a table and they sat down.

"Actually, I had to come down here and do some business with some docks people here.  I was just coming to get some lunch before I headed to the airport to head home.  How about you?  Do you live here?"

"Well, not here, exactly," she laughed.  "But yes, I do live in Port Charles.  I'm here to meet someone for lunch actually."

"Oh, then I won't keep you," Tom said graciously, smiling again. 

"Actually, the person I'm meeting won't be here for another fifteen minutes or so," she responded, looking at her watch.  "So listen, I wanted to thank you again for helping us out in the mountains last week."

"It was my pleasure.  Anytime I can help out a beautiful woman," he grinned at her.  "And her friend, of course."

"Of course," she smiled back.

About five minutes later, Tom looked like he was trying to figure out whether or not he should ask her something.  "What is it, Tom? Brenda asked as she watched him.

He was startled out of his thoughts and smiled hastily.  "What?"

"You look like you want to say something.  What is it?" she smiled in return, but she was confused.

Tom took a deep breath and let it out a little shakily.  "Okay, here goes.  Brenda, I have to be back here in town a week or so from today.  I was wondering if you might want to get together when I do come back.  I have to stay overnight, so we could go out and maybe have dinner."

She waited for him to finish before smiling gently and placing a hand on his on the table.  "Tom," she started softly.  "Are you asking me on a date?"

He looked at her nervously and nodded slightly.  "Yeah, I guess I am."  He felt like he was in high school again and he didn't know why.

Slowly, Brenda shook her head.  "Tom, I'm so sorry, but I can't go out with you."

"Why not?  Is it that there's someone else because it could just be as friends if you'd like."

And if she could have believed that, she might have said yes, but she could see that Tom was looking for more from her eventually.  But it was something she wasn't ready, willing, or able to give.  Her heart belonged to Jax, even if he didn't know it yet.  She shook her head again, but then nodded.  "Actually, there is someone else and that is the reason I'm turning you down.  Plus, when you think about it, it wouldn't work out, would it?  You live in Canada, I live in New York.  That could never work."

"Yeah, you're right, I guess."  He fell silent for a few seconds then smiled.  "Is it Jax?" he asked curiously.

Brenda was startled to hear him say Jax's name.  "Yes, it is, Tom.  I'm sorry."

"But he told me he wasn't your boyfriend, that you two are just friends."

"I know, and we are.  But there's so much more to it.  It's complicated, but I do love him.  And I don't want to hurt you and lead you on or anything like that.  You understand, right?"

Tom smiled.  "Yes, I understand, Brenda.  My loss is Jax's gain, I think."

She could only hope Jax would feel that way some day.  "Thank you, Tom," Brenda said.

They talked for a few more minutes when Tom looked at his watch and made the excuse to get going.  "I hope I see you again sometime, Brenda," he said as he got up and began to put on his coat.

She smiled warmly and responded, "So do I.  It was really good to see you, Tom.  I'm glad we ran into each other."  Before he turned to leave, she spontaneously reached up and kissed him gently on the cheek.  She drew back, smiling up at him again.

Jax decided to walk to Kelly's in the cold, brisk January air.  He walked quickly with his head down into his coat and his hands deep in the warmly lined pockets.  As he came upon the restaurant, he smiled reflexively.  He was actually looking forward to seeing Brenda right now.  He didn't want to think about the bad things.  He just wanted to concentrate on what might be his future again.

He placed his hand on the doorknob and started to push it open when he saw her.  She was standing, facing the window he was looking in, and as he watched, she stood on her tiptoes and kissed the man who was standing in front of her.  Jax's hand immediately fell from the knob and he stepped back a few steps.  In that second, he felt the air leave his lungs and he had a hard time catching his breath.  Hoping he'd imagined it, he walked back up to the doorway.  Just in time to see the man lean down and give Brenda a hug.

Jax felt something crushing his heart beneath his chest.  He placed a hand to his chest before taking a deep breath and turning around.  He walked away, determined not to look back, but he quickly broke it and turned again.  He stood still for a second, but when the door opened, he once again, turned his back and walked away.  As he walked, he quickened his pace until he was running.  The biting wind blowing onto his face was excuse enough for him to allow the warm tears to begin to fall as he ran. 

Brenda stepped back from Tom just in time to see Jax's face appear in the window.  She smiled, knowing he had kept his promise and was meeting her.  She said goodbye to Tom once more and he leaned down to give her a hug.  She peered over his shoulder to watch for Jax since his face had disappeared again from the window.  She saw him come to the door one more time, close enough for her to see his face completely.  As she was about to wave and smile at him, his face fell and he turned away.  In that one second, she'd seen the hurt in his eyes, the hurt she swore she'd never put there again.  "Oh God, Jax" she whispered as she realized what was happening.

Pushing away from Tom in a hurry, she ran for the door, hoping to catch Jax before he left.  "Jax!" she shouted for him as she got out onto the outdoor patio.  But he was nowhere to be seen.  She ran to the end of the drive to find him.  Without luck, she ran back to the restaurant to get her coat.  Maybe she could beat him back to the penthouse at the hotel.

With a mission, now, she ran for the Port Charles Hotel.  She didn't even notice as she ran that she didn't seem to be finding Jax.  She knew the fastest way to find him in the hotel would be to ask the front desk if they'd seen him.  She ran for them and asked them, her voice panicked.  They slowly shook their heads that 'No, Mr. Jacks has not come through here recently.'  Praying they were wrong, she jumped on the first open elevator, punching the button for the top floor.

As soon as the doors opened, she crossed quickly to the front door of the apartment and knocked loudly.  There was no answer.  "Jax!  Jax, please open the door!" she cried for him.  After several long minutes off fruitless knocking and trying the doorknob, she sagged against the doorway.  She'd been too panicked to think about what was going on right now, but now that she had time, the impact hit her.  Jax was running from her.  She'd hurt him again, somehow.  She needed to explain.

Backing up against the door, she slid down it and sat on the floor.  She was going to wait until he came home.  He had to come home, right?  He wouldn't just wander the streets now.  He'd eventually show up here and when he did, she'd be waiting for him, to explain what he'd seen.

Jax stared out the window of his jet from the back cabin.  He wasn't flying, he knew he was too upset to do that.  After he'd left Kelly's, he'd run for protection.  But he didn't know where to run to.  He didn't go home, he didn't go to Jerry's.  He just ran.  He ran until he was so out of breath, he had to stop, bent over at the waist.  He'd been oblivious to the tears streaming down his face.  He didn't care what he looked like to everyone else, either.  He just ran. 

Finally, he'd come upon a turn that would take him to the airport, and without thinking, he went that way.  His pilot was always on standby and he'd called him in to take the flight.  He'd made a decision.  The best thing to do right now was get as far away from Port Charles as he could.

He watched out the window as the ocean came into focus on the sunny day over California.  What was usually a relaxing sight did nothing for him today.  In fact, he was barely noticing as the plane began its descent into the airport.  He felt like he was on autopilot, making the motions, but not feeling anything.

That wasn't exactly true, he was feeling something.  He was feeling the unbearable weight of a broken heart.  Since he'd seen Brenda smiling at…hugging…kissing another man, he'd felt nothing but that.  It was unlike anything he had felt before.  He hadn't allowed himself to feel it before, shutting it out completely instead.

Jax stepped off the plane once it had stopped at the terminal, moving automatically to the waiting car.  He didn't see the scenery as he rode through the streets of California, headed for Malibu.

Malibu…he tended to think of it as a safe haven.  He always came here when he had problems and he needed to deal with them.  Dealing with them was the operative condition.  That was why he hadn't been out here before.  But now, as the car pulled to a stop in the circular driveway and he stepped out, he looked around and remembered the one time he'd brought Brenda here.  And he wondered if she still knew he had it or even remembered it.  They'd come here for two weeks after his skiing accident during the time when he wasn't allowed to work.  She'd taken the time off, to take care of him, as always.

He shook his head sadly, not wanting to remember those times with her, and went inside the house.  Charles, his butler was waiting just inside the door.  Jax didn't say a word as he passed him by and went upstairs to his bedroom, closing the door behind him softly.

Charles knew what this meant.  He'd seen it once before with his employer.  Jax was shutting himself off from the world right now.  Until he saw him again, Charles knew that he didn't want to be disturbed by anything unless it was of the most extreme importance.  He quietly tipped the driver and closed the front door of the house, going back about his job and not disturbing Jax.

Jax was standing on the terrace in his bedroom.  He'd come straight in the room and flung open the French doors, walking out onto the second-level patio.  It looked out over the water, with nothing in his view except the Ocean and the brightly shining sun.  Taking a few deep breaths, he leaned his hands on the railing and bent forward, his head bowing slightly.  As he stood there, his shoulders began to shake with each breath he took until finally, the tears fell again and he did nothing to stop them.

Brenda felt a hand on her shoulder.  She raised her tear-streaked face to see who it was, hoping it was Jax, after all this time.  She'd been there for hours, she knew.  But instead, she looked up into her best girlfriend's clear blue eyes.

Lois looked puzzled.  "Bren?  What are you doing on the floor?  Isn't Jax here?"  She looked around and glanced at Ned, hoping something wasn't wrong.

Brenda didn't move from her spot on the floor.  She slowly shook her head without saying a word.

"What, Brenda?  He's not here?" Ned asked.  He was standing beside Lois, as confused as she was.  They could both tell she'd been crying and they were wondering what was going on.

She looked down at her hands.  She sniffed and said, "No, he's not here.  I don't know where he is.  He never came back," she said softly, her voice trailing off into tears.

Not caring if anyone else saw her, Lois sat down on the floor next to Brenda.  She put her arms around her and hugged her.  "Oh, Bren," she said comfortingly.  "What happened?"

Taking a few deep breaths so she wouldn't start to cry, Brenda sighed.  "It's all my fault, Lo.  I did this to him again."

"What?  What'd you do?"

"He saw me.  He saw me hug him.  He saw me."

"Who saw you hug who?" Ned asked.  He stood above the two women, his arms crossed in front of his chest.  He was tempted to leave them alone to talk about this, but he was just as curious as Lois was.

"Jax," Brenda said as if he should have known better.  "Jax saw me hug Tom.  And then he left."

"Tom?  Who's Tom?" Ned asked again.

Brenda looked up at him hopelessly.  "It doesn't matter who Tom is, Ned.  Jax saw me and he thinks I betrayed him again.  But I didn't!  I didn't betray him!  I was turning Tom down.  I told him no!  And Jax…Jax just doesn't understand that yet.  But he will," she said determinedly.  "He will because I am going to stay here until he comes back and I am going to explain it to him.  And everything will be okay."  She was only trying to convince herself.  It was pretty clear by now that Jax wasn't coming back, at least not tonight.  She turned to Lois, her eyes bright with tears.  "We had a chance, Lo.  A real chance this time," she said tearfully.

"What do you mean?  What kind of chance?" Lois asked.

"He kissed me.  Last night, at midnight, New Year's Eve.  He kissed me and I think it meant something.  To both of us, not just to me.  We had a chance," Brenda repeated before letting the tears fall down her face.

Slowly, Lois urged Brenda up off the floor and with Ned's help guided her into the elevator.  They would take her back to their house tonight and they could figure it out in the morning.  Brenda didn't fight them, but instead, went along, knowing she needed the time to gather herself, as well.  Jax would be here in the morning, she reassured herself with a hope that she didn't know if she could have.

Brenda had been up most of the night, roaming Ned and Lois's gatehouse on the Quartermaine estate.  She'd gone to lie down in the bed, but her eyes wouldn't stay closed very long and she couldn't force herself to stay there.  She didn't know what to do.  She wanted to go to Jax, tell him he was wrong, that she wasn't kissing or hugging Tom out of affection.  That she was in love with Jax and always would be.  But, she discovered over the course of the night, that part of her was just as angry with Jax for not giving her the benefit of the doubt, for not giving her a chance to explain what he'd seen.

Then she would rationalize that with the fact that Jax was just starting to try and trust her again.  What had happened between them on New Year's Eve had been a mistake, or at least she thought that was how he'd seen it.  But it had also been a start.  And now, less than twenty-four hours had passed before that start had ended and they were back where they had been before they ever even took the mountain trip.

She knew Jax's heart was broken right now and she knew she had done it.  But she also knew she was going to make that right.  And if that meant she had to sit in front of his door until he returned and listened to her, she would do it.  With the new resolve again in her mind, she dressed quickly and left for the hotel while it was still dark.

As soon as she got to his front door again, she knocked, again and again.  But still, there was no response.  And so she sat, and waited again.  And she was going to stay there until he came back.

Jax thought himself into exhaustion finally in the very early hours of the morning.  He'd collapsed onto the bed, still fully clothed, and fell asleep immediately.  When he awoke the next morning, he didn't feel like he had slept at all.  It had been a fitful sleep with many unwanted dreams coming to him.

The day was overcast with gray clouds covering the sky when he got up out of bed.  It looked like it was going to rain, which was fine with him.  He cleaned up a little in the bathroom, but when he looked in the mirror, he saw that no amount of work would help him right now.  There were dark circles under his eyes and he combed through his hair quickly with his fingers.  His face was pale and drawn and he looked like he felt, he realized. 

Still wearing his blue jeans and button-down chambray shirt from the day before, he slowly went downstairs.  He did notice that Charles was discreetly staying out of his way.  He thought maybe he'd heard the phone ring the night before, but he wasn't sure.  He knew that if it had and it had been important enough, he would have been told.  But since it wasn't, Charles would pick a more appropriate time to tell him who had called.

Jax slid the doors open to the patio and walked out onto the deck.  It was even more dreary than he thought it was outside, but that suited his mood.  He walked down the steps to the private beach in front of the property.  His feet were bare and his shirt was unbuttoned as he walked, his hands in his pockets and his head downcast.

Charles watched until Jax had disappeared from his sight from the living room windows.  He was concerned about him this time.  It was unlike Mr. Jacks to be so sullen.  Having known Jax for more than half the younger man's life, Charles knew him pretty well by now.  He'd seen him with problems before, but he'd always dealt with them well in the past.  But this time, it didn't look like it was going well at all.  In fact, if Charles could guess correctly, he guessed that Jax was, for the first time since he'd known him, completely heartbroken over something.  And he could only, again, guess that it was a woman.  He'd never seen Jax act like this before.

He remembered the one time when Jax had allowed another person to this beach house.  It had been the young Miss Barrett, he recalled.  She'd helped Jax after his surgery two winters before.  It was almost two years ago now that she'd been there with him.  She had seemed like such a nice woman, Charles wondered what had happened with her.  All he knew now was that Jax was no longer with her, but he didn't know why.  He wondered if maybe she was the one who had broken his heart.  He hoped not because he could remember from the time they'd been there together that Jax had seemed rather in love with the girl, but she didn't seem to know it just yet.  For that matter, neither had he.  But then he'd heard they were engaged, and Jax hadn't felt the need to come to the house in almost two years, so Charles knew everything was going well.  And now, Jax was here and acting so strangely.  It just concerned Charles to no end.  He had to know what was going on, but far be it for him to ask Jax himself what was happening.

"Brenda? What are you doing here?" a contemptuous voice asked from above her.  "And why are you on the floor in front of Jax's door?"

She knew that voice, all too well.  It was the voice of Jax's brother, the one that hated her, Jerry.  She stood quickly and got out of his way.  He was holding a key in his hand as if he were going inside the apartment.  "I might ask you the same thing," she responded lightly, trying not to have to have a conversation for too long with him.

"Well, since I'm Jax's brother, I think I belong here a little more than you do," he said somewhat harshly.  He moved to step around her and inserted the key in the lock to open the door.

Just as he was about to close the door in her face, rather rudely, Brenda stuck her foot in the doorway.  "Jerry, wait, please," she asked.

The only thing that made him stop was the fact that he would have crushed her foot if he continued to close the door.  "What?"

"Do you know where he is?" she asked softly.  She figured if anyone did, he would.

There was something going on here, Jerry realized.  And for once, he didn't know what it was.  The look in Brenda's eyes was one of great sadness and fear mixed together.  And as much as he didn't want to, he had to find out why it was there.  He opened the door back up and motioned for her to come inside.  When they stood just inside the doors on the other side, Jerry crossed his arms and shook his head slightly.  "No, I don't know where he is.  I just know he's gone right now."  That wasn't true, he did know where Jax was.  It was why he was there, to pick up some files so that he and his father could do some work while Jax was gone.  When he'd called the night before, several times, and gotten no answer, he'd tried the only other places he could think of that Jax might be, Alaska and Malibu.  Charles had confirmed that Jax was, indeed, in Malibu.  But he wasn't about to tell Brenda where Jax was, at least not until he knew why Jax was there.  All he knew now was that it had to have something to do with her and he only knew that from her presence this morning.

"Are you sure?  You really don't know where he is?" her voice was shaking as she tried to control her emotions.  "Please, Jerry, I have to talk to him."

Trying to take the upper hand, he bluffed.  "What makes you think he wants to see you?"  Based on the previous two arguments he'd had with Jax, he couldn't think of a single reason why Jax would leave her without telling her where he was now.  But Brenda didn't know that.  A stray tear rolled down her face, but he wouldn't budge.  This was the woman who had hurt his brother before and so help him, if she had again…

Brenda wiped at the tear and regained her composure.  "Something happened yesterday.  Did he tell you?  I need to talk to him, to explain to him what he saw."

"And what was it that he did see?" Jerry asked, forgetting the upper hand.  All he really knew was that Jax was in Malibu, taking time off.  He didn't know what had caused him to go there, but if he knew anything, it was that Malibu was Jax's safe refuge and he only went there for certain reasons.  If Brenda was one of those reasons now, he had to know.

"It's not important now.  I just need to know where he is so I can explain to him."

"Not important?  You hurt my brother and you think that's not important?!  Who do you think you are, Brenda?" he asked, beginning to get angry with her.

"Look, Jerry," she said calmly and quietly.  "I'm guessing Jax told you what happened between us.  And what I did six months ago."  At his expression of near contempt, she continued.  "But I also know he told you that we have been talking lately.  You know about the mountains and what happened up there.  I know that doesn't help you to forgive me, but can't you see that Jax has?"

"Jax has forgiven you?  Oh you think so?" he said sarcastically.

"He has!  Can't you see that, please?  He told me he forgives me, Jerry.  I need to explain to him what he saw before he thinks I've hurt him again."

"He already thinks that, Brenda, or he wouldn't have left!  That's all you seem to do to him.  Why can't you just leave him alone this time?" Jerry practically yelled at her.

Brenda held her head defiantly to Jerry's words.  "There is a very simple reason, Jerry," she said boldly.

"Which is?"

"I love him too much to see him hurt like this."

Jerry started to laugh at the pure insanity of her statement.  "You love him too much to see him hurt?  Is that right?  Brenda, you cheated on my brother six months ago!  You don't think that hurt him?  I watched him as he pushed his way through that mess and tried to get over the pain you caused him.  Do you realize how hard it was for him?  He loved you with everything he had and you betrayed him in the worst possible way."

"I know, I--"

"No, let me finish!  You accused him of having an affair with someone he didn't even like and then you turned around and had an affair on him!  How is it that that's love?  If you loved him as much as you say you did, how could you do something so horrible to him?"  That said, Jerry glared fiercely at her, waiting for her answer.

She was at a temporary loss for words until she gathered her courage and rose her gaze to stare into his glittering dark eyes.  "I was hurt, Jerry.  I was confused.  I didn't know what I was doing.  There is no other explanation for it.  No excuse, no requests for forgiveness from you.  That's all there is and it's all I can tell you."  She broke off as tears began to fall down her face.  "But I do love him.  So help me God, I love him more than anything in this world, Jerry.  And he loves me, I know he does.  He just doesn't realize it yet.  But I want to make him see that again.  I need to make him see again.  Don't you get that?  And in order for me to do that, I need to get to him, I need to know where he is right now.  Please, Jerry, if you have any idea, please tell me where he is so I can go to him."

Maybe it was the tears, or maybe it was the quiet strength in her voice that gave him the conviction that she was telling him the truth.  He already knew Jax was in love with her, he'd said so himself.  And if Jax was in Malibu, hurting over something, this was the only possible explanation.  And maybe it was just that he knew that if there was anyone who could fix this right now, it was Brenda, so he had to give her the chance to do it.  If he didn't, he would never forgive himself, and Jax wouldn't either if he knew.  His face and eyes softened as he watched Brenda cry in front of him.  "All right," he said softly.

"All right?" she looked up at him again, the tears still in her eyes.  "You know where he is?  You'll tell me?" she asked hopefully.

He nodded.  "Yes, if anyone can help him now, it's you and I realize that.  He's in Malibu, Brenda, go to him and make this right."

Brenda's face broke into a wide smile as she ran to Jerry and hugged him tightly, not caring if he resisted her.  "Thank you, Jerry.  Thank you so much.  I will never forget this," she whispered in his ear.  She turned and put her hand on the doorknob to open it.

"Brenda?"

She turned back to him.  "Yes?"

"He does love you, you know," he said softly by way of concession.

She smiled softly.  "Thank you," she said again.  She closed the door behind her, already making plans to get to the airport as soon as possible.

Jax found himself wandering the beach aimlessly for hours without realizing the time had passed.  He'd walked up and down the path numerous times by the time he finally stopped.  The rain had come in a drizzle once or twice while he'd been out, but it hadn't lasted long so he'd stayed out in it.  The skies were beginning to darken considerably as night started to fall.  There was no sunset to watch, but he sat on the sand anyway.  He watched the ocean waves crash upon the beach harshly.  It seemed angry today, tossing about in a chaotic manner.  Much like his emotions inside were.

What had happened?  He had asked himself that very question all day long.  And why did it hurt so damn much?  There was a weight in his chest where his heart used to be and he felt nothing else.  As he'd thought during the day, he came to realize the reason why it hurt him so much this time.  He'd allowed himself to feel for her again.  He'd let her back into his heart.  Without ever meaning to, and even while he resisted it out loud, he'd fallen in love with her again.

He'd loved her before, sure, while she was gone.  But it was a different kind of love.  It was the kind where he longed to know what might have been.  She had been the first true love of his life, certainly the first woman he'd ever asked to marry him.  Not only had she been his best friend, she'd been his soul mate, or so he'd thought.  And when she'd broken his heart six months before, he'd shut her out completely.  In an instant, she was gone from his life and he was determined not to think of her again.  As difficult as it had been, he'd been fairly successful.

Until the trip to the mountains where thinking about her had become unavoidable.  And that was what had done him in.  He'd fallen hard again.  He had been trying to stop it from happening, hoping to keep it friendship until he was fully ready, but it hadn't happened.  It was because of this that he felt more sure than ever that she was his true soul mate.  If she could hurt him so deeply and he could still love her just as much as the day he first met her, she was the only woman he'd ever love.

Now she'd hurt him twice and he knew he still loved her.  As crazy as it was, he had been willing to trust her with his heart again.  He hadn't realized that until he'd seen her kissing the man in Kelly's.  He hadn't gone to meet her with the intention of telling her that, but seeing her and feeling the pain it brought, he knew that was what would have happened.  He was going to give her his heart, but before he could, she shattered it once more.

And now he didn't know what to do and he wasn't sure it mattered anymore.  Did his feelings count now that this had happened again?  He didn't think so, but he couldn't be sure.  So he was at a loss, sitting alone on the beach, with sad tears trailing slowly down his face as he thought of her once more.

Brenda's cab pulled up in front of the beach house as the night fell.  She'd come straight from the airport to the house, but the house was dark and she was afraid he wasn't there.  Ringing the doorbell anxiously, she bounced up and down on her feet in a nervous habit.  A light turned on in the hallway and the door began to open slowly.

Charles was surprised at who he found standing behind the door when he opened it.  He'd been fully prepared to turn whoever it was away until he'd seen her.  And he knew instantly that she was the only who could help.  He nodded to her and motioned for her to come inside.  "Miss Barrett," he greeted her politely.

"Is Jax here?" she asked automatically. 

He could hear the urgency in her voice and he knew the look on her face was one of worry and concern.  Again, he nodded.  He gestured to the patio for her.  "He's down on the beach."

"Is he okay?" she asked softly.

"I don't think so, Miss Barrett," he said quietly before turning and heading back to his chambers for the evening, leaving her to find her way on her own.

Brenda made her way slowly to the back door and out onto the patio.  She walked to the top of the stairs and she could barely make out, in the fading light, a solitary figure sitting on the dune in front of the house.  She knew it had to be him.  She started down the steps, unsure what she was going to say to him or if he'd even want her there.

As she approached him, she could see his disheveled appearance.  His hair was mussed from the constant blowing of the wind on the ocean and the closer she got, the more she could see that he looked tired and drawn.  Her heart almost stopped as the light caught something on his cheek and she realized it was a tear rolling slowly down his face.

The wind whipped through her dark hair and she brushed it back from her face several times before giving up on it.  The beach muffled her sounds to silence as she walked and she was able to get next to him without him seeing or hearing her.  She kneeled slightly behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. 

"Jax?" she said softly.

 

Chapter 15