If I Recall

Chapter 13

Desperately trying not to think too much, Jax was working out furiously in the small gym in his apartment.  He'd woken up that morning determined not to let anything ruin his day.  He wanted to be able to spend at least one day with Brenda without thinking about the consequences or the reasons why he shouldn't be doing it.  When he was finished in the gym, he went for a short run outside.  The brisk air smelled vaguely of fresh snow and there were three or four inches of new snow on the ground.  He stayed to the inner parts of the town and then returned to the apartment an hour later.

As he stepped out of the shower, the phone was ringing in his bedroom.  Quickly wrapping a towel around his waist, he ran to answer it.  "Hello?"

"Hi, sweetheart," came his mother's voice on the line.

"Mum, hi.  I was going to call you."

"No, you weren't," she replied lightly. 

"Yes, I--"

"Jax, you weren't going to call me and you know it.  You were going to wait until I got tired of waiting for you to call and called you myself.  By the way, I am disappointed that you didn't at least tell us you weren't still up in the mountains.  We had to find out from Jerry yesterday afternoon."  She sounded slightly reprimanding.

He sat down on the bed and smiled a little bit.  "I know, I was--"

"If you're going to say you were going to call us, don't try," his mother joked.

"Okay, I won't.  I figured Jerry would tell you."

"He told us some other things, too, Jax."

"Like what?" he asked cautiously.

"Like about the presence of a certain unwanted visitor up there with you."

"Yes, but you already knew she was there, didn't you?  I mean, you called my cell phone and she answered, right?"  He didn't know for sure what had happened then since Brenda had been the one on the phone and he hadn't been well.

"I did and she did, but I wasn't sure it was her.  Your phone cut us off right after she answered.  I never got a response from her.  But I did assume it was her.  And when I tried again, the phone was dead.  So, would you like to tell me what happened up there?"

"Is that why you called?  To find out what happened?"  He wasn't anxious to get into another conversation about Brenda with a family member.  He got up slowly and, cradling the phone against his shoulder, began to get dressed in jeans and a heavy cable knit black sweater.

"That was part of it.  Jax, I know what you've been going through lately with all of that and I wanted to see how you are.  Are you all right?"  She sounded concerned about him, just like a mother.

He smiled again and sighed softly.  "What did Jerry tell you, Mum?"

"He just told us that you'd been trapped up at the cabin with Brenda for six days.  He didn't say too much else except that you were home and that you were fine now.  What did he mean you were fine now?  Did something happen up there?"

More than you'll ever know, Jax thought.  "You could say that."  He told her a little about what had gone on, but he didn't go into too much detail.

"Jax, I don't know what happened between you and Brenda all those months ago," his mother began, turning serious again.  "But was it okay?  Were you all right spending that time up there with her?  I know it must have been painful."

He sat back down on the bed to put on his shoes.  Pausing in his actions, he ran a hand through his hair.  "It was…it still is," he responded softly.  "But I think we came out of it all right, Mum."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

He glanced at the clock, surprised to see how late it had gotten.  "I mean, I have to get going, Mum.  I'm on my way over to Brenda's right now."

"Oh, okay," she sounded a little surprised to hear that.

"I'll call you later," he promised.

"No, you won't," she laughed. 

They said goodbye and Jax hung up the phone.  He grabbed his coat and pulled it on.  Picking up his keys, he left for Brenda's cottage.  On the drive over to her place, he was thinking that the phone call from his mother hadn't done much to stop him from thinking about Brenda all day.  But he was newly determined not to think about the problems for the rest of the day.

He pulled up in front of Brenda's house at five minutes past one, only slightly late.  He took the steps in two strides and rang the doorbell.  The door flew open as if Brenda had been standing right behind it.

"Hi!" she said quickly, ushering him inside.  She was dressed in a pair of jeans and a heavy sweater, as well.  She had thick boots on her feet and her hair fell loose around her shoulders.

"Hi," he smiled.  "Sorry I'm late."

"Not a problem."  She was already reaching for her jacket.  "I had this idea of what we could do today.  I thought it would be fun."  She had that mischievous glint in her eye as she smiled at him.

"Which would be?" he asked warily.

"Well, you know that new ski resort they opened up just a month ago?"

"Yeah?"

"I thought we could go skiing there together!"  At his hesitation, she continued, "Come on, Jax, it'll be fun!  Today is perfect skiing weather and you know it.  Besides, how else am I going to get better than you?"

Jax started to laugh.  "You want to be better than me?  Someone who has been skiing for less than two years, whom I taught to ski, wants to suddenly be better than me.  And this doesn't even mention that I've been skiing since I was twelve."

"Well, it wasn't suddenly, you know.  Ever since you taught me how, I've wanted that!" Brenda teased him, laughing.  "Does that mean we can go?"

"If we can stop back at the hotel and I can get my skis, I guess so," he consented.

"Great!" she exclaimed and pushed him out the door before he could change his mind.  He drove and they headed for the hotel first and then to the resort on the other side of town.

As they drove, Jax was thinking, even though he'd promised not to.  This would be good for them, he thought.  They wouldn't spend all day talking about every subject except them.  And he hadn't been skiing in a long time because of what he'd had with her, maybe it was time again.

Jax pulled into a parking spot at the resort and retrieved his skis from the rack on the roof of the Jeep.  Brenda was almost skipping ahead of him to the rental shop, since she didn't own her own skis yet.  After making sure she was properly fitted, Jax led the way to the bunny slope.

When Brenda realized where they were, she stopped in her tracks.  "The bunny slope, Jax?" she asked.  "Come on, we can do something a little more exciting than that!"

Jax shook his head firmly.  "I know I can, but come on, Bren.  It's been a long time since you've been out.  Don't you think you should warm up on something more gentle than an intermediate slope?"  Before she could disagree again, he said, "Besides, didn't I teach you it's good practice to always warm up before you get into anything too difficult?"

Finally, she relented and they got in line for the lift.  After a few short runs down the hill, Brenda felt like she was ready for something more challenging.  They spent the next two hours running the various intermediate slopes.  Jax taught her a few new things that he'd never gotten the chance to show her before.  She was picking them up quickly and he was duly impressed.

He was waiting for her at the bottom of a hill before they took a short break.  She plowed to an almost perfect stop beside him, smiling broadly.  "How was that?" she asked anxiously.  She'd been following his every move down the hill and he'd been doing a few different things she'd never done before.

Jax grinned back at her.  "You're doing great!"

"Yes!" she exclaimed proudly.  When they didn't move for the line for the lift again, she said, "What are we waiting for?  Let's go again!"

He laughed and shook his head slightly in amazement at her.  "Aren't you the slightest bit tired from all of that?"

"No way!  I could do this all day!"

"I think it would be a good idea if we took a short break, though," he explained.  "We can go inside and warm up a bit.  Okay?"

"I suppose," she agreed.  But as she reached down to undo her skis from her boots, she muttered something about a wimp under her breath.

He grinned again.  "I heard that," he told her.

"I know," she smiled as she picked up her skis and began to walk towards the lodge.  Smiling after her, Jax followed quickly.

Not twenty minutes had passed before Brenda was pestering Jax to get back out onto the slopes.  He was beginning to wonder what being had taken over her body to make her this excited about this, but he agreed and they headed back out.  This time Brenda wanted to try one of the more advanced, but still intermediate hills.  Jax hesitated, but relented and they rode to the top of the hill.

As they stood atop the hill, Jax turned to her to warn her of a few things they might encounter on the hill.  He told her about the potential moguls, or small jumps, they might run into.  He also warned her that the people on this hill would probably be going a little faster than the ones on the previous hills.  This was the most advanced hill she'd ever tried and he was only trying to be cautious.

Just before they headed down, Brenda turned to Jax with another glint in her eye.  He shook his head.  "No, no way, Bren.  I am not racing you down this hill.  Not this time, okay?"

Brenda looked only slightly disappointed as she accepted his answer.  "Okay, but when I get more practice…" she promised him, smiling. 

"We'll see," he said, not making any promises.  "Ready?"  She nodded and pushed off down the slope, doing everything Jax had taught her to do.  He watched her for a moment to make sure she was all right and then he took off after her, following in her path. 

Halfway down the hill, he held his breath as he watched her attempt one of the smaller moguls they came upon.  When she'd maneuvered it successfully, he grinned with pride at her.  She had slowed and turned to wave at him, proud of her accomplishment.  He continued to watch her and was so intent, he never saw the little girl weave her way into his path.  By the time he saw her, it was too late.  He had the strangest feeling of déja vu as he prepared himself to hit the snow.

Brenda heard a small shriek and stopped to see where it had come from.  When she saw a little figure hovering above another figure on the ground, she looked frantically for Jax.  She didn't find him anywhere behind her.  Quickly, she made her way back up to where the little girl was standing.  The girl couldn't have been more than nine years old and she was asking Jax if he was okay as she stood there.

Brenda finally made her way back up to him and she kneeled next to him on the ground after releasing her skis.  Immediately her mind flashed back to two years before.

She was flying down the hill, or so it felt like she was.  It was so exhilarating to be doing this!  Behind her, she heard a strange sound and wondered what it was.  She turned her head to check to see where Jax was when she noticed that he wasn't beside her as he had been.  She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw him fall into the snow.

He lay still for several long moments after he hit the hard-packed snow.  His skis had released on impact, as they were supposed to, and he had slid a few more feet down the hill.  He tried to catch his breath as he lay there. 

"Jax!" she yelled as she made her way back up the hill to where he was.  "Jax, are you alright?" she asked as she stood above him.  She was terrified that he wasn't.  She released her skis and kneeled next to him on the snow, checking him over for any signs of injury.  "Can you move?  Is anything broken?"

He didn't know since he hadn't tried to move yet.  Having the wind knocked out of him had seriously limited that capability.  "I think so," he told her.  He slowly flexed his hands and then his arms, moving every joint carefully.  He only found a couple of bruises on his upper body.  When he was able to sit up, he put a hand to the back of his head and felt for a bump in the place where the pain seemed to be coming from, but didn't find one.  "I'm fine, Brenda," he reassured her.

She stood up in front of him and held out her hands to him to help him stand.  She noticed the slight shake in them from her brief fear that he was hurt.  He took hold of both her hands and put his legs beneath him to stand.  But before he could stand, his right knee buckled and he cried out in pain, falling back to the snow.

"Jax!" she exclaimed, newly afraid for him. 

"I'm alright," Jax said through clenched teeth.  "It's just my knee.  Brenda, go get help," his voice was shaking with his own hidden fear that everything was not as it seemed.  She could tell he was just as, if not more, afraid as she was.

"No!  No, Jax!  I'm not leaving you up here by yourself!"

"Brenda, please, just do as I say.  Put your skis on, go down the hill, and get someone from the ski patrol to come up here."  His voice shook with the  unexpressed pain she could tell he was holding in, trying not scare her.

She absolutely refused to leave him.  Instead, she flagged down the next skier who passed them, told him what had happened, and the skier went to get the patrol.  There was no way she was leaving him.

She shook her head of the memory and focused on the present again.  "Jax?  Are you okay?  What happened?"  She removed his sunglasses from his eyes and checked him over quickly to make sure he was alright.

Jax lay still for a few minutes after he hit the hard packed snow.  He'd felt the breath leave his body immediately upon impact and now he lay fighting for even a shallow breath.  All he saw for a few dazed minutes were bright stars in front of his eyes, but as he felt Brenda take off his glasses, his vision began to clear.  As his breathing was beginning to return to normal, he coughed a few times.  "Man, I have got to learn to watch where I'm going," he said, still slightly dazed.  He looked up into Brenda's eyes and gave her a lopsided smile.

Brenda smiled back at him, a look of relief flooding her eyes.  "You're alright then?" she asked again.

Jax pushed against the ground and sat up slowly, groaning with the bruises he could feel forming.  He was still smiling, though.  "Yeah, I'm fine, Bren."  He glanced up at the little girl who was still standing beside him.  "Are you okay?" he asked her.

"Oh yeah, I'm fine.  I just wanted to make sure you were okay, mister.  I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to cut you off like that."

"It's all right.  I'm fine.  You can head on back down the hill, if you want."  He smiled at her.

The girl smiled back and nodded.  "Okay, bye!"  She waved as she pushed off down the hill.

Jax turned to Brenda and laughed a little.  He was still catching his breath.  She handed him his sunglasses back and he slipped them back on his face.  "Brenda, you look like it scared you more than it did that little girl.  I'm fine, you know.  I just need to quit watching you and pay attention to where I'm going." 

Her face fell a little.  "I know, I'm sorry, Jax.  I shouldn't have been trying to show off," she started to apologize.

Jax laughed out loud.  "What?  No!  It wasn't your fault.  I was actually very proud of your little jump back there."

"Really?"  She gave him a small smile.  She stood up then and reached down to help him up.  "Ready?  I think you've drawn enough attention to yourself today."  She'd been noticing that everyone was looking at them to make sure they were okay as they made their ways down the hill.  It was only a matter of time before one of them called the ski patrol for them.

Jax nodded and took hold of her hands.  He stood and looked around for where his skis had landed after his fall.  He walked over to retrieve them and snapped them back onto his boots.  Brenda was doing the same.  She looked up at him once more before she started down again.  "You're sure you're okay?" she asked again.

He nodded.  "I'm fine, Bren.  Go ahead."  He followed her down the hill as they took their time returning to the lodge. 

When they stood at the bottom, Brenda looked at her watch and asked, "Do you want to go?  We've been here for awhile."

"We don't have to, if you don't want to."

"I just thought you'd want to go home after all that."

Jax shook his head.  "I don't think that's really necessary.  Besides, there are a few more good skiing hours left in the day.  Let's go."  He led the way to the ski lift back up the hill they'd just come down.  "And we'll see if I can make it down on my feet this time."

"Don't even joke about that, Jax," Brenda laughed as the chair lifted them into the air.

They skied for the rest of the afternoon, until the lights came on and it got a little too dark.  Plus, it was getting colder by the minute and they were half-frozen when Jax finally suggested that they leave.  He secured his skis to the top of the Jeep again and got in, starting the car and cranking up the heat.  When they were finally starting to get warm, he asked Brenda, "Do you want to go get some dinner somewhere?"

"Sure!"  She smiled at him and he pulled out of the parking lot, heading back into Port Charles.

They decided to eat at a local restaurant on the docks, Kelly's.  When they'd been together before, they'd frequented it quite often because Brenda knew the owner, Ruby pretty well.  Ever since Ruby had died now, Brenda still came every once in awhile to be there and remember the woman she'd thought of almost as her own relative.  Jax hadn't been there since they'd last been there together.  It'd been too painful for him to try.

As they entered the restaurant together, Bobbie Spencer, the new owner and Ruby's niece, greeted them warmly.  A server was upon them almost immediately to get their orders for drinks.  Brenda ordered hot coffee and Jax kept to water.

Jax looked around for a few minutes, reacquainting himself to the place.  He was facing away from the door and to the kitchen.  As he looked, he finally settled his gaze on Brenda.  He smiled at her.  "I had a good time today, Brenda," he said quietly.

She returned his smile.  "So did I.  Thank you, Jax."

"For what?"

"For agreeing to go with me today.  And for teaching me the new things you did.  You know, some day I will be better than you."

"If my performance today is any indication, I'd say you're well on your way," he joked.

Brenda laughed.  "Are you sure you're okay now?  I mean, really okay?"

Jax laughed with her.  He reached a hand up to his shoulder and gently massaged his shoulder.  "Yeah, I'm fine, really.  Just a little sore, I guess."  They laughed again, but Brenda suddenly stopped when the door opened to the restaurant and someone came in.  Jax turned to see what had made her stop, a smile still on his face.  Oh no, he thought, this can't be good.

Jerry walked into Kelly's and gave one quick glance to Jax before he continued on his way to the counter.  He didn't say a word to either of them as he passed by.  He spoke to Bobbie behind the counter for a few minutes and then he turned to leave again.  When he came to their table, he asked Jax if he could speak to him outside.  Jax nodded and got up to follow his brother.

When the door had closed behind them, Jax turned to Jerry and crossed his arms over his chest.  "What's going on, Jerry?"

"You're with her again, Jax?!" he exclaimed.  "Why?"

Wary of another argument, Jax sighed deeply.  "What business is it of yours?  What I do and who I do it with is my business.  It's my life, you know, Jerry."

"I know.  It's just…" he chose his words carefully.  "She's going to hurt you again."

"How do you know that?  Can you predict the future now?"

"No, Jax, it's just that you can't predict the future either.  She can hurt you again and while you're with her, you're just giving her the chance."

"Or she may not hurt me, did you ever think of that?  Jerry, I explained this to you yesterday.  I need her.  I don't know why that is, but without her, I am…I don't know what I am," he sighed.  "Can't you just accept that?"

"No, I can't accept that!  I won't let her hurt you again.  I saw what it did to you the last time.  I won't let that happen again."

Jax ran his hands through his hair, frustrated.  He was quiet for a minute before he said, "I know you're only trying to protect me, but this is my life.  I need to make my own decisions and if I get hurt, I get hurt.  You can't protect me from that.  All right?  Please, just let me do this."

Jerry studied his little brother for a few minutes.  He saw the look of determination that said that Jax would do what he wanted whether he approved or not.  He sighed and nodded.  "Okay, Jax.  But promise that if you need help, you'll call me."

"I will, Jerry."  He turned to go back inside after he watched Jerry walk away.

Brenda looked up and met Jax's eyes as he came back through the door.  She'd been watching the two of them outside and was wondering if they'd been arguing.  Their gestures hadn't suggested such a thing, but she couldn't be too sure.  She knew Jax was a quiet arguer, he rarely, if ever, yelled at anyone.  The only thing she did know what that it had probably been about her.  As he sat back down at the table, she said, "Is everything okay, Jax?"

Jax nodded and smiled.  "Yeah, everything is fine.  Don't worry about it."

But she did worry about it.  She could tell from the way Jerry had treated her that Jax had most likely told him what she had done.  And she could see that he was angry with her for hurting his little brother.  It just made her wonder a little.

Once they had finished dinner, Jax drove her back to her cottage.  As he pulled up outside, she turned to him and smiled.  "Thanks again, Jax."

"For what?"

"I just had a really good time.  It was a really good day with you," she said quietly. 

He nodded gently.  "Yeah, it was."

She put her hand on the door and opened it, putting one foot on the ground.  "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

He nodded again.  "I'll call you soon."  He smiled and she closed the door.  Waiting until she was inside, he drove back to the hotel.

The message light was blinking on his machine as he walked in, but he didn't press the Play button to see what it was.  He already knew.  It was Jerry with more of his cautions and warnings about Brenda.  And Jax just didn't want to hear it right now.  Instead, he made the most of the evening and, taking into account his soreness, took a hot shower before putting on his silk pajama bottoms and climbing into bed.  He didn't have time to think before he drifted off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

Brenda called Jax the following day and asked him if he wanted to do something with Lois and Ned on New Year's Day.  He agreed and they also made tentative plans to spend New Year's Eve together.  They didn't have big plans, they were just going to stay in at Brenda's cottage and watch the ball drop from there.  Neither of them felt like making any big public appearances and especially not together yet.  But they didn't see each other again until that night when Jax showed up on Brenda's doorstep, a bottle of champagne in his hand.

As he stepped through the doorway, he noticed she had done some little decorating to the room.  She'd put up a few strings of lights just for the fun of it and a silver banner was hanging above the fireplace.  She had lit a fire in the fireplace, as well.  They sat on the couch and half-listened to the television countdown from Times Square as they talked.

"So what's your New Year's Resolution, Jax?" Brenda asked out of the blue.  She smiled as she teased him a little.

"I don't know, I guess.  I haven't really thought about it all that much."  That wasn't exactly true, it's just his thinking hadn't been in the form of what his New Year's Resolution would be on that issue.  He had been thinking a lot lately, though.  "What would yours be?"

She smiled again.  "I think it would be to be a better person.  Or try to, at least.  Maybe to try and forgive some things I did last year," she said hopefully, knowing he would get her meaning.

He fell silent for a long time after that.  Finally, he said, "Brenda, I think if I can forgive you for what you did, you should be able to forgive yourself."

She looked at him in amazement.  "Do you mean that, Jax?  Do you really think you could forgive me for it?"

He knew he forgave it, but that didn't mean he could forget it.  He nodded.  "And I don't just think it, I know I already forgive you.  You can forgive yourself, Bren," he said softly.

At eleven-thirty, Brenda poured them some of the champagne Jax had brought at the beginning of the night.  Neither of them had had anything else to drink for the night, nothing alcoholic, at least.  Jax wasn't about to let that happen again.  They watched the last few minutes of the year tick away and when the ball hit the podium and the crowds sang Auld Lang Syne, Jax and Brenda clinked their glasses together and made a silent toast to each other. 

After a small sip, Brenda leaned closer to him, smiling a little.  Jax put his glass down on the coffee table in front of him and turned to face her slowly.  He took her glass from her and put it next to his on the table.  Gently, he reached one hand up and placed it behind her neck, threading his fingers into her hair.  And what happened next, he couldn't even blame on alcohol, since he'd only had one sip of it the entire night. 

With agonizing slowness, it seemed, Jax closed his eyes and lowered his lips to Brenda's in a tender kiss, meant to last only a second.  The best intentions were shattered as soon as he felt her soft, full lips against his.  Almost immediately, the kiss deepened into something more.  He felt Brenda give in to him fully and kiss him back with as much passion as he was feeling.  Cautiously, she traced the edge of his lips with her tongue, tentatively seeking entrance to his mouth.  Without thinking, he gave it to her, opening his mouth and sliding his tongue along hers to take the kiss to an even higher level.

Several minutes passed in seconds and Jax finally pulled back suddenly.  He placed a hand to his burning lips and turned from her quickly, his mind racing.  There was a wildness that Brenda had never seen in his eyes when he looked at her again.

"Oh God," he whispered.  "I shouldn't have done that."  The words were rushed.  He knew he'd made a mistake and he didn't know how he could have done it. 

"No, Jax," she placed a hand on his arm, but he recoiled from her.  "It's okay, Jax," she tried to reassure him.

"No…no," he repeated.  "I shouldn't have done that.  I should…I should go, Brenda."  He stood up then and started toward the door with conviction.  He needed to leave after that.

"Jax, please, don't leave.  You don't have to leave," she said over and over again, but he almost didn't seem to hear her as he grabbed his coat and put his hand on the door.

Then, just as suddenly, he stopped.  Brenda was behind him by then, still trying to tell him he didn't need to leave.  He gazed down at her, into her eyes, not hearing a word she was saying, just looking at her.  Finally, she stopped talking and looked back him.  Their eyes met in a solid, confused, questioning stare.  Jax opened the door, but didn't move to go through it, keeping his eyes locked with Brenda's.  "Happy New Year, Brenda," he said whispered softly.

Before he left, she responded just as softly, "Happy New Year, Jax."  He turned then and stepped through the door, closing it gently behind him.

As he walked to his car and for the entire drive back to the hotel, there was only one question in his mind.  Now what?

 

Chapter 14