If I Recall

Chapter 12

Brenda gave Lois a wary look at her friend's suggestive smile.  "It's not what you're thinking, Lois," she said.  Motioning for her to follow her, she went into the kitchen and swung the door shut.  She didn't want to wake Jax up.

Lois crossed her arms, the smile still on her face, as she stood just behind the door.  "So then, what is it?  Why is he on your couch, asleep?  And you're still wearing the clothes I saw you in yesterday."

Brenda glanced down and then, looking at Lois, she smiled.  "We were together yesterday, but it wasn't like you think it was.  We were just spending time together, relaxing."

"And the reason he's still on your couch?"

She smiled sheepishly.  "We both had a little too much to drink last night and he felt it would be safer if he didn't drive home.  So he slept on the couch."

"And where did you sleep?"

"You're awfully curious, aren't you?"

"No, just interested," Lois insisted.  "It's not every day a man spends the night at your house.  That man especially."  She gave Brenda a pointed look.  "Where did you sleep last night, Brenda?"

"I accidentally fell asleep on the couch with him."  She smiled.  "I meant to go upstairs, but I just fell asleep too soon."

"Accidentally, huh?  And you just fell asleep?  Like on opposite sides of the couch, right?"

"No, pretty much in his arms."  She took a sip of the coffee Lois had brought over, relishing in its warmth.

"In his arms?!" Lois screeched.

"Shhh!"  Brenda ran to the doorway to see if it had woken Jax, but he remained asleep where he was.

"In his arms?" Lois repeated in a quieter voice.

"Like I said, it just kind of happened.  I don't think he realized it.  He's been asleep since I got up."

"Are you going to tell him?"

Brenda considered it for a moment.  "I don't know.  It depends on what he thinks.  I don't see any reason why it would affect anything if I don't."

Lois sat down at the kitchen table, gesturing for Brenda to sit, too.  "Bren, you just got your friendship with him back.  You don't think the fact that you fell asleep in each other's arms last night will affect him?  From what you told me, he's skittish enough as it is."

"I know and he is.  I know he's afraid, Lo, but I don't know what I can do about that.  I have to make him see he can trust me again.  It's only if he can do that that we can go anywhere from there."

"And you're admitting you want this to go somewhere with him?  Do you think he does?"

Brenda sighed softly.  "Yes, you know I want him back.  I would do anything he asked to make it happen.  But I don't know if he can do it again.  He made me realize in Canada that he doesn't trust me at all.  And for good reason, I know.  We're doing this friendship thing based totally on good faith and a promise or two.  It's going to take awhile, I know.  And I just don't want to push him."

They finished their coffee and the pastries Lois had brought in the kitchen, talking quietly.  When they returned to the living room, Lois had to leave for a meeting and Jax was still asleep.  Lois left and Brenda went to sit down in the chair across from the couch.

Jax was sprawled across the length of the cushions of the couch.  His head was inclined toward the back while it rested on the arm.  One foot was up on the cushions while his other one was bent to the floor.  As Brenda watched him sleep, he opened one eye sleepily.

He looked around the room with his one eye open.  He didn't recognize the surroundings at all.  His gaze came to rest on the person sitting in front of him.  As he realized it was Brenda, he jolted awake and jumped from the couch.  Immediately, he sat back down, his head in his hands.  "Ok, that was a very bad idea," he said softly.  He was beginning to remember what had happened the day before and he remembered where he was and why Brenda was there.

Brenda went to sit across from him on her coffee table.  She placed on hand on his knee, gently.  "Jax, are you okay?"

He was, he knew that and he nodded.  He moved his head in his hands and looked up at her.  "Yeah, I'll be fine."  He tried to smile, but it came out more as a grimace.  "I remember telling you once not to let me drink too much."

Brenda laughed softly.  "You must have had more than I thought you did.  Is it bad?  Do you need my…cure?"  She grinned at him.

Jax paled at the very prospect of having to choke down her hangover cure.  He shook his head vehemently.  "No, I think I can manage without that.  There's no need to make it worse than it is."  He sat up and laid his head against the back of the couch, slouching slightly.

"Well, do you want some breakfast?  I'm sure I have something here."

Jax smiled and tried to laugh.  "I don't think so," he responded.  "Your cooking is almost as bad as that cure of yours," he joked.  Besides, it wasn't like he was hungry right now.  "No, I think I'll just stay here for a few more minutes and then we'll see, okay?"

She smiled again.  "Okay."

They sat in silence for a few minutes while he got his bearings.  He had put his fingers to the bridge of his nose to try and curb the pounding he felt in his head.  Finally, he sat up and looked at his watch, starting when he saw the time.  But then he relaxed.  He didn’t have anywhere to be, he realized.  He was still off work for another five days, until the following Monday.  But, he thought again, he needed to get home.  There were things he needed to take care of.

Jax stood up slowly and waited for the room to stop spinning before he took a step.  "I think it's time for me to get going," he said to Brenda.

Brenda nodded, knowing he was right.  She went to get his leather coat from the closet.  He was behind her when she closed the door to hand it to him.  "Will you call me when you get home?"

"Why?"

She glanced toward the window.  It had started snowing steadily since she had woken up.  "It's snowing and the roads are probably a little slippery by now.  Plus," her voice took on a teasing tone, "who knows how well you can drive in the condition you're in."

He smiled a little and nodded.  "Did anyone ever tell you that you worry too much?"

"You always did say that to me.  Do it anyway, please?"

"All right, all right.  I'll call you when I get home."  He put on his coat and zipped up.  Pulling on his gloves, he stepped out into the snow.

Brenda watched until his Jeep disappeared and then she went to take a shower and get dressed.

Jax drove as slowly and carefully as he could.  There were few cars on the road, but he suspected that had more to do with the fact that people were at work than the fact that it was snowing.  He pulled into the driveway of the Port Charles Hotel thirty minutes after he'd left Brenda's cottage.  He handed the car over to the valet and went inside.  As he stood in the elevator on the ride up, he put his hands to his temples and massaged them gently, his headache wasn't easing very much.

The elevator doors opened and he stepped out on his floor.  As he opened the penthouse door expecting darkness, he squinted against the lights that were on.  That was odd, he thought.  He knew he hadn't left them on when he had left the day before.  He turned to close the door.

"About bloody time you got here, Jax.  Where have you been?"

Jax jumped and whirled around.  "Jerry!  What are you doing here?"  He tried to look angry at his brother, but he couldn't do it, not with his head spinning again. 

"Looking for you.  What do you think?  You know, you don't have any food in there.  I've already looked."  Jerry was sitting on the couch facing the door when Jax walked in.  He gestured to the kitchen as he spoke and then studied Jax carefully.  "Geez, Jax, you look like hell."  He got up and gave his brother a quick hug and stepped back.

Jax dropped onto the couch opposite where Jerry had been sitting and brought one hand up to rub his eyes.  "I feel like it, too.  How did you get in, Jer?"

"It's amazing how easy it is convince your concierge to let someone into your room."  Jerry sat down again.

"I'll have to have a talk with him."

"Where were you, Jax?"  Jerry asked curiously.  He was noticing that his little brother looked a little worn.  He wondered if he'd been out all night, but knowing Jax, that was unlikely.  If he didn't know better, he'd have thought Jax had a hangover.  The thought made him want to laugh out loud.

"I was at a friend's house."  He didn't want to elaborate any further just yet.  "Speaking of which…"  He got up and went over to the desk, dialing the phone number Brenda had given him.  When she picked up, he said, "Hey, it's me.  I got here just fine."

"Thank you for calling me," she said.

"I told you I would.  Listen, if you don't have to go anywhere today, don't.  The roads are getting pretty bad out there."

"Then it's a good thing I don't have to go anywhere anyway.  I'm glad you got there safely."  She smiled.  "Jax, take care of your headache, okay?  I'll talk to you later."

"Okay," he responded.  "I'll call you.  Goodbye."  He hung up the phone and started toward his bedroom to change and take a shower.

"Who was that?" Jerry asked.  Jax hadn't given anything away from his side of the phone.

"What business is it of yours?"  Jax stopped on the landing to go upstairs and turned around.

"I'm just curious."  Jerry was grinning smugly, as if he knew something or thought he did.

"It was the person I was with last night, all right?"  He turned to go to his bedroom again.

"Man or woman?" Jerry called after him.  "Come on, Jax!  Man or woman?"  He recognized that Jax was going to take a shower and he decided to wait in the living room for him.

"Jerry, knock it off," Jax yelled back to him as he closed his door.  He leaned his head against the door briefly before he shed his clothes and went to take his shower.

When he was finished, he wrapped a towel around his waist and went back to his bedroom.  He dressed quickly in a pair of faded blue jeans and a long sleeved dark green t-shirt.  He sat down on his bed to put on his shoes, but as soon as he felt the soft bed beneath him, he found he couldn't resist lying down for a few minutes.  His headache hadn't abated at all yet.  He closed his eyes momentarily, promising himself he was getting up again in two minutes.

Jerry got tired of waiting after forty-five minutes had passed by once the water in the shower shut off.  He got up and went to see what was keeping Jax.  He knocked on the door and then pushed it open.  He frowned when he found Jax lying across his bed, asleep.  He wondered what Jax had been doing the night before that had made him so tired and ragged-looking.  He had a pretty good idea, he thought, smiling.  Closing the door again softly, Jerry went back into the living room, turned on Jax's computer, and went to work.

Jax 's eyes flew open all of a sudden.  He sat up straight on the bed, almost regretting his quick movement, but stood anyway.  A glance at the clock told him it had been longer than two minutes since he had closed his eyes.  An hour longer, he realized.  Forgoing his shoes, he went out into the living room to see if Jerry was still there.  He was, sitting at Jax's computer, playing solitaire.

"Working hard, I see, Jer," Jax said as he walked down the steps.

Jerry turned to face him as he approached and studied him again.  Jax's eyes were a little bit bloodshot with light circles under them.  "Why work when you can play all day?"

"And night," Jax joked.

"No, that was you, apparently."  Jerry got up from the desk chair and sat down on the couch opposite Jax.  "You know if I didn't know you any better, I'd swear you were hungover, Jax."

Jax nodded, rubbing his eyes again.  "I'd say you know me pretty well, then," he admitted.

Jerry laughed out loud.  He didn't believe him!  "You're kidding, right?  You are joking?"  He stopped when he realized Jax was wincing from his volume, his hands at his head again.  "You're not kidding.  My God, Jax, I don't think I've seen you drunk since that time when you were twenty-one.  I thought that taught you a lesson."

"I'm not drunk, I did that last night.  Right now, I'm hungover, if you will.  So kindly keep your voice down."  He had known he was in for some ribbing from Jerry and he was well prepared to take it.

"But why, Jax?  What could possibly make you drink so much?"

"It's not like it’s the first time I've ever had too much to drink, Jer!  You act like I just turned twenty-one and it's my first hangover!  Besides, you haven't seen me as often as you think you have."

"You're telling me you've been drunk more times than I've seen you?"

"Is that what's really important here, Jerry?" Jax asked impatiently.  "And it wasn't what could make me drink.  It was who."

"What?"  Jerry was confused.  He tried to backtrack the conversation.  "OK, then who made you drink last night?"

"Brenda."

Jerry felt all expectations leave his head as soon as he heard that one little name.  It was the last thing he expected.  "Brenda?  How is that possible?"  Last he knew, Jax had been trying to forget she had existed.  Maybe that was why he was drinking last night, trying to forget her.  He asked, "Is that it?  Were you trying to forget her again?  Did you run into her somewhere?"

"You might say that."

"Okay, so what happened?"

Jax sighed and took a deep breath.  "You know that trip I was taking to my cabin in the mountains?"

"Yeah, Mum told me about it.  It's why you missed Christmas with us."

Jax nodded.  "Yes, but I wasn't going to be there anyway, you knew that.  Anyway, I went up there and on the way up, it started snowing really heavily.  I finally got to the cabin, expecting it to be dark and empty.  Let me just tell you, it wasn't."

"Brenda?" Jerry asked, incredulously.  "How did that happen?"

He nodded again.  "Yeah, it was Brenda.  But before I even got the chance to see her, she knocked me unconscious."

"She knocked you unconscious?  How'd she do that?  With a fire poker?"

"Actually, yes.  She thought I was some intruder, I guess.  That's what she told me, at least.  She tells me I was out for about twenty minutes, but the best part is that when I woke up, I couldn't remember anything."

"You mean you had amnesia?  From a hit on the head like that?"

"You'd be surprised how much that can hurt, Jerry."  Jax unconsciously rubbed the back of his head where the bump once was.  "But yeah, I couldn't remember.  So we ended up spending a lot of time together."  He decided to leave out the sleeping together part right then.  "By the time I remembered, we'd talked about what had happened between us.  What I told you about."

"Yeah, I remember."

"You're still the only one who knows.  You still can't tell Mum, Jer," Jax warned.

"I know, I know.  So then what happened?"

"I don't know.  For a couple of days, I tried to be alone, but it was just eating at me too much.  And it was too hard in a four room cabin, trapped in a blizzard.  She had told me her side of the story by then, why she had done what she did.  I didn't know what to do.  We'd talked about being friends again at one time up there, but I wasn't sure I could do it."

"And you shouldn't either," Jerry said bitterly.  "She cheated on you, Jax.  She doesn't need your forgiveness."

Jax knew how Jerry felt about Brenda.  Anyone who hurt him was an enemy of his brother's.  It was automatic with Jerry.  "Yeah, that may be true, Jer, but I needed to forgive her.  I realized up there that I wanted to forgive her.  I need her, Jer.  I need her in my life in some way."

"Are you saying you're still in love with her?" he asked darkly.

Jax shook his head.  "Not to her, but you know that I am.  I've told you that.  But I don't trust her, I can't.  And she knows that now."

"So what are you doing now?"

"Trying to start over, I guess you could call it.  We spent Christmas together, you know.  It was really nice."

Jerry shook his head in disgust.  "It was really nice," he mimicked, evoking a dirty look from Jax.  "She cheated on you, Jax!"

"You don't have to keep reminding me, Jerry.  You don't think I know she did."

"But you still love her."

"Yeah, I do.  I can't explain why.  It's just who I am.  It's a part of me to love her.  But I can't trust her, and to me, that makes all the difference in the world.  I may need her in my life, but I can't let her in completely until I can trust her."

"Which should be never," Jerry said vehemently.  "Is that where you were last night?  At Brenda's?  Did she get you drunk?"

Jax sighed.  He was beginning to regret having started this whole conversation.  It had taken a wrong turn somewhere along the line and he wanted to go back now.  But he couldn't.  He said slowly, "Actually, I was with Brenda last night.  We watched a movie at her house.  I had too much to drink and I couldn't drive home safely.  Is that good enough for you?"

"No, you shouldn't have been there, Jax!" he reiterated.  "It's not good for you."

"Dammit, Jerry!  I was there and this is happening!  It's my life and I will let anyone I want in it!  Now leave me alone about that!"  He finally exploded.  He knew there was something fundamentally wrong with his having any kind of a relationship with Brenda right now.  He didn't need Jerry to tell him that.  But all the same, she was in his life again and he didn't need Jerry badmouthing her, either.

Jerry watched Jax bury his head in his hands after his outburst.  "Jax, I--"  He stopped as Jax shook his head, got up, and left the room, heading for his bedroom, without saying another word.  He ran his hands through his hair, frustrated with his little brother right then.  He wanted to do something about the whole situation, but he knew if he did, Jax would absolutely kill him.  Instead, he remained where he was in silence, thinking.

For his part, Jax was pacing his bedroom angrily.  His emotions were already all over the place.  Why did Jerry feel it necessary to add to it all?  He couldn't get away from the turmoil that he felt over having Brenda back in his life.  It was all too weird and too… heartbreaking sometimes.  His pacing slowed as he thought and eventually, he sat in the chair next to the fireplace in his room.  He put his head in his hands and sighed deeply.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts as he remained in the chair.  He'd been there thinking for about fifteen minutes by the time Jerry knocked.  "Yeah, Jerry," Jax said quietly, knowing who it was.

Jerry opened the door and peeked his head around the corner.  "Can I come in?" he asked, apologetically.

Jax looked up and smiled slightly.  "Yeah, come in."

Jerry sat down on the corner of the bed, across from Jax.  "You know what?  I'm sorry, Jax," he began.  "I shouldn't have said what I did about Brenda."

He held up a hand.  "No, you were right to say those things and the only real problem is that sometimes I believe those things myself, Jer."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I think the same things.  Why should I forgive her?  She cheated on me, not the other way around.  She hurt me.  Why should I let her be a part of my life again?  Is it just because she asked and I was too weak to say no?"

"She's asked before and you always said no then."

"Not true, I never spoke to her after she left until we got trapped up there in the mountains."

"OK, but you knew she wanted you back."

"I know," Jax sighed again.  "But I think all of those things, and then…"

After a few minutes of silence, Jerry prompted, "And then what, Jax?"

When he looked back up at his brother, there were tears beginning to glisten in the corners of his eyes.  "And then I remember how much I need her, Jerry.  She is a part of me.  Without her in my life, I don't know where I am.  For those six months that she was gone, I really was lost, you know.  I didn't know where I was going or what was there for me when I got there."

The pain in Jax's eyes was plain for Jerry to see.  He wanted to give his brother some kind of comfort, but he didn't know what to say.  "So what are you going to do?"

Jax ran his hands through his hair, frustrated.  "I don't know," he said finally.  He thought for a second before continuing.  "I love her, you know."

"I know, Jax."

"And I can't let her go."

"I know that, too."

"So there's nothing else to do, right?"  He was looking to Jerry for answers to questions where there were no real answers.

Jerry shrugged his shoulders.  Leaning over, he patted Jax's knee once and said, "I don't know what you do.  I really don't."  He got up then and started to leave the room.

"Jerry?" Jax stopped him as he left.

"Yeah, Jax?"

"Thanks."

Jerry just smiled as he closed the door to the bedroom and gathering his coat, left the apartment.  Jax remained in his bedroom for a long time, thinking…always just thinking.

Jax stayed to himself for the rest of the afternoon and on into the evening.  He didn't leave the apartment, or even his bedroom for the most part.  It wasn't like he had anywhere to go.  Periodically, he would watch the snow falling over the city, but mostly, he watched the fire he'd built and thought about everything that was happening.  The ringing of the phone startled him from his thoughts.

He reached absently for the cordless phone next to him on the table.  "Hello?"

"I thought you were going to call me," the teasing voice came over the line, laughing a little.

"Hi, Brenda," he replied softly.  "I was going to call you, later tonight."

"Later?  How much later would you like it to be, Jax?"  She laughed again.

Not knowing what she was talking about, he turned to look at the clock.  He was surprised to see it read ten o'clock at night.  "Oh my God," he said.  " I had no idea what time it was." 

Brenda took note of the vagueness of his voice and asked, "Is something wrong?  Are you feeling okay now?"

"What?  Oh yeah, I feel fine.  My headache was gone awhile ago.  I was just thinking."

"About what?" she asked curiously.

"Nothing really."  Nothing he was going to share with her yet.  "So what's up?"

"Oh, you mean, why did I call you when you said you'd call me?"

"Something like that, yeah."

"I was talking to Lois this afternoon and she mentioned that it might be a good idea for the four of us to do something together.  What do you think?"

"Lois and Ned?" he asked.

"And you and me," she finished.

"Just like old times, huh?"  He smiled as he remembered those times briefly.

"Yeah, a little," she replied quietly.  They both knew it wouldn't be exactly like it used to be.  But she was figuring there was no better way than to try.

"Well, what would we be doing?  And when would this be?"  He wasn't completely sure just yet.  He knew it might be a big deal to do it and he wasn't sure he was ready.  Maybe it would be too much like old times, he thought.  Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

"I don't know what we'd be doing and I don't know when, either.  I told Lois I would call and ask you what you thought before we made any plans."

"Ah, I see."  He fell silent, thinking about it.  After a few minutes, he made a tentative decision.  "I don't see why not," he said finally.  "It might be fun."

"Really?  Great!" Brenda said.  She'd been hoping he'd say yes, but she hadn't been so sure he would.  She knew he was afraid to make any kind of misstep and she didn't know if he would think this was one of them.  "I'll call Lois again tomorrow and we'll make definite plans.  Do you have an idea of when you might be free?"

"Pretty much anytime you want," he said.  "I'm not going back to work until next Monday."

She still wondered about that, but figured he knew what he was doing.  She never had found out why he'd gone up to the cabin in the mountains.  It was probably just a vacation, she thought.  "Okay, then I'll let you know."

"Thanks."  After they were quiet for a few more minutes, neither sure what to say, Jax said, "So what else, Brenda?"

"Not too much."  She told him a little about what she'd been doing all day, which had been cleaning and a little bit of work.  Just as they were about to say goodbye, she said, "Jax?"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to go out and do something tomorrow afternoon?"

He knew he would, but did he know if he should?  He wanted to.  He wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, but just like before, he didn't know if it was the right thing to do.  Going against all of his doubts, he said, "Sure, Bren.  We'll do something tomorrow."  They made plans to meet at her house the next afternoon around one o'clock and then they hung up the phone.

Jax sat in the darkness, watching the fire die out in the fireplace.  He was like a moth to a flame, he realized.  He just couldn't stay away from her now.

 

Chapter 13