If I Recall

Chapter 11

Brenda pulled into her driveway at ten past nine.  Her darkened cottage had never looked so welcoming in her life.  About six inches of snow had fallen in Port Charles and her front yard was completely covered in a fine blanket of white.  She put the car in park and went inside to immediately call Ned and Lois to reassure them that she was still alive and well.

"Brenda!" Lois nearly shouted as soon as she heard her friend's voice.  "Where have you been?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Brenda responded, laughing a little.  She flopped down on the couch and curled her legs beneath her.

"Try me."

Brenda spent the next hour telling Lois exactly what had gone on up in the mountains with Jax.  She ended with telling her that Jax was probably not more than a half hour behind her on the road and she wanted to call him and make sure he got back alright.  She hung up shortly thereafter and dialed the phone number that was as familiar to her as her own.

When she got nothing but the answering machine, she was surprised.  She left a message for him to call her as soon as he got in.  She was kind of worried, but figured he probably just got held up somewhere.  She went outside to bring everything in from the car and two hours later, she went upstairs to her bed, still not having heard from Jax.

At nearly three-thirty in the morning, Jax finally opened the door to his penthouse apartment.  He was too tired and too tense to do anything except drop his bags in the middle of the floor and stumble to his bedroom.  Kicking off his shoes, he pulled off his sweater while he was getting to the bed, but didn't have time to remove his jeans as he collapsed on the bed and was asleep in an instant.

 

Brenda awoke really early the next morning and immediately realized she'd never heard from Jax the night before.  She didn't even look at the clock before she picked up the phone and called his apartment.  She knew he would have called her as soon as he could have if there wasn't anything wrong.  She didn't want to panic, but now she was afraid that something was definitely wrong if he was not there.

Jax hadn't been asleep nearly long enough for his phone to be ringing at this ungodly hour.  He heard the machine pick up and then Brenda's frantic voice as she asked him to call her immediately.  He stretched for the phone by his bed and picked it up, not entirely sure he could form a coherent sentence.

"Brenda?  I'm here," he said, his voice barely audible through his sleep.

"Jax?  Oh thank God, you're there!"

"Why wouldn't I be?  And why are you calling this early?"  He refused to open his eyes and look at the clock.  To do so would be to admit he was semi-awake, and he wasn't.  Nor was he planning to be anytime soon.

"I called you last night, why didn’t you call me back?"

He ran his hand over his face and rolled over onto his back.  "I'm sorry, I didn't know you called.  I never checked my messages.  I got here late and went right to sleep.  And that wasn't nearly long enough ago.  Can we do this later?  Like when I'm actually awake?"

"What?  Oh, I'm sorry, Jax.  Yeah, it's just I was so worried that there was something wrong and I had to call as soon as I woke up this morning--"

"All right, all right, Brenda," Jax said softly.  "Please, I will call you back okay?  When I get up…in about five hours."  He didn't wait for her response and dropped the phone back into it's cradle quietly.  He rolled back over and went back to sleep in a second.

Brenda listened to the dial tone for a few seconds with a small smile on her face.  He'd never done that to her before.  She didn't know whether to be angry or just to laugh.  She hung up the phone and got up to get dressed.  She was meeting Lois for breakfast to talk more about what happened up at the cabin before Lois had a meeting for her recording business.  For just a second, she wondered again why Jax wasn't up yet.  He was always a very early riser, always up before her.  Usually by this time, he was up and going out for a jog.  She'd always thought he was insane for getting up that early.  Which is why it was odd that he wasn't awake yet.  She wondered what had happened.

She went to breakfast and was surprised when she returned home that there were no messages from him on her machine.  She decided to go see if he was really okay.

Pulling up outside the Port Charles Hotel, she took a deep breath and got out of the car.  She got into the elevator and realized her hands were shaking slightly.  It would be the first time she had seen the apartment since she had left it six months before.  As the doors opened on the top floor, she walked slowly to the darkly paneled doors.  She took another deep breath and knocked hard on the door.

There was no answer to her knocking.  She knocked several more time, louder each time until she felt like she was actually pounding on the door.  But to no avail.  She pulled out her cell phone and called inside the apartment.  She knew he was there, he just wasn't answering the door, and it was scaring her.  The phone rang inside and she listened with growing impatience.  When the answering machine picked up again, she calmly asked Jax to please pick up the phone if he was there.

Jax could hear the ringing of the phone and a voice speaking to him, but it sounded like it was in another world.  Nevertheless, he reached in the general direction of it and picked it up. 

"Jax?" Brenda asked as soon as she heard the silence on the other side indicating he had picked up.

"Yeah, it's me," he said softly, still half-asleep.  He tried to think.  "You know, I didn't really mean five hours.  I meant that I would call you when I got up.  I thought you could figure that out."  He wasn't being mean, he was just tired.  It had been a very long day the day before.

"I know and I'm sorry.  I was just worried.  And besides, it's been six hours since I called," she replied, her voice filled with concern.

He sat up on his elbows and looked at the clock, groaning when he saw how late it really was.  "Why didn't you tell me it was after noon?"  He swung his feet over the side of the bed and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees.  He didn't care how late it was, he felt like he could sleep for the rest of the day, but he also knew he couldn't.

"So, listen, are you up then?" Brenda asked conversationally, smiling a little.

He sighed.  "Yeah, I guess so.  Why?"  He heard a loud knock at his front door in response to his question.  He groaned again.  "That better not have been you, Brenda."  He knew it was, he'd heard the knock echo over the phone.

"Mm, too late, it is.  Will you answer the door now, please?"

Jax hung up the phone and ran his hands through his hair.  He was still wearing his jeans from the day before.  The only things missing were his shoes, which he nearly tripped over, and his sweater, which tangled around his feet, as he made his way to the door in the darkened room.  The shades were still drawn in the living room as he moved slowly down the steps and to the front door.  He kept the lights off and opened the door without looking, turning and going back over to the couch before Brenda entered the room.  He dropped onto the closest couch and stretched out full-length.

Brenda entered the room, but when her hand moved to turn on the lights, Jax's voice warned her not to.  She carefully stepped around his bags on the floor and blindly walked to the couch, banging her leg against the coffee table as she sat down on it.  Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness and she could see Jax laying in front of her on the couch, his arm over his eyes.

"Jax?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"  She laughed nervously.  It wasn't that he was acting strangely, she just wasn't used to seeing him this way. And what a way.  The way that he was laying on the couch, with his head against the arm of it, his stomach muscles curled and she could see each definition.  His faded blue jeans rested low on his hips and his lower abdominal muscles were clearly visible to her, as well.  His bare skin kind of glowed in the little bit of light that filtered into the room from behind the shades.

"I'm fine, just tired."

"What time did you get home last night?  I thought you were right behind me."

"Why?  When did you get here?"

"Around nine," she replied.

"Then you must have just beat it."

She had been watching him carefully as he spoke.  His voice was strained and tired and he sounded like he could fall asleep again at any moment.  "Beat what?"

"The snowstorm," he said.

"You got caught in a snowstorm?  How bad?"

"Yep.  You know that seven hour drive?  It took me more than eleven yesterday."  He sighed and told her what had happened.  It really had taken him more than eleven hours to get home.  He'd been driving for less than thirty minutes when the snow began and over the next few miles, it picked up into blizzard conditions.  He wanted to keep driving and see if he could make it through.  He crept along at speeds slower than a snail's pace.  His hands clutched the steering wheel, tense with nervousness, his knuckles white.  He was perched forward on his seat, staring straight through the window for most of the drive.  He'd seen people stranded on the sides of the roads, but he knew that if he stopped for any of them, he'd get stuck and he didn't need for that to happen.

"So what time did you get home?"  She knew now why he hadn't called her when he got home.  It had to have been really late.  She definitely understood that.

"I think the last time I looked at a clock was sometime around three or three-thirty and that was before I got out of the car."  He finally sat up on the couch, removing his arm from across his eyes.  He leaned over and put his elbows on his knees, placing his hands behind his shoulders and massaging them gently.  His muscles had locked up tightly after the tense driving he'd done.

Brenda moved and sat next to him on the couch, her hands taking the place of his on his shoulders.  She began to knead his muscles until the knots began to disappear from beneath her hands.  Jax had fallen silent, his head resting forward on his hands and his eyes closed.

She did the math in her head, though.  "Jax, if you didn't get home until three or so and it took you eleven hours to drive it, that means you didn't leave up there until about four, right?  That was more than two hours after I left, almost three."

"I know."

"Why'd you stay?"

"I was just thinking about some things and time got away from me."  His tone told her that the discussion was closed on that topic.

When his muscles were finally loosened up, Brenda dropped her hands to her lap.  "So I was wondering, would you like to do something today?"

Jax looked over at her and smiled slightly.  "Such as?"  He didn't really feel like leaving the penthouse, but he would if her offer was good enough.

"I don't know."  She hesitated for a second before going for it.  "I was thinking I might show you my house, if you wanted to see it, that is."

"Your house?"  He didn't have any idea where she was living now, he realized.  Until a few days ago, he hadn't even cared enough to know.

She told him about her cottage in the woods and how Lois had helped her find it.  The way she spoke about it made him think of it as a hideaway.  Maybe that's what she thought of it as, he thought.  Maybe she had been hiding, from him. 

Jax agreed to go with her to her house if she promised that was all they were going to do that day.  While he went to shower and dress, she ordered him something to eat from the restaurant downstairs.  

He stood under the hot water in the steam-filled shower, thinking.  He was wondering if it was a good idea to be seeing her right now.  He wondered how much was too much?  Or how little?  He wondered about his feelings and thoughts from the day before.  But he also knew there was no other way to get their friendship back than to spend time together as they always had.  When the water began to run toward the cool side, he turned off the faucets and wrapped a white towel around his waist.  He went into the bedroom closet to find clothes to wear.

A knock came on the front door announcing the room service Brenda had ordered.  She signed for it and went to go get Jax.  She knocked lightly on his bedroom door, which was slightly ajar.

Jax heard her knock and called out for her to come in.  He still stood in his closet.

"Jax, the food's here," she called back to him.  She didn't go too far into the room, only stepping in about two feet.  She felt like she didn't belong there.

Picking up his clothes and a pair of shoes, he returned to the room.  Brenda still stood in the doorway.  "Thanks, I'll be right out."  He smiled at her and gave her a pointed look to leave.

She closed the door behind her, leaning against it for a second.  He still took her breath away.

When Jax joined her a few minutes later, he was wearing a pair of black cargo pants and dark red long-sleeved shirt with black boots on his feet.  His hair was still damp from his shower, but he looked much more awake than he had before.  Eating quickly, Jax grabbed his black leather jacket and they were soon in the elevator, on their way downstairs to the lobby.  They drove separately with Jax following Brenda toward her house.

He wasn't paying attention to where they were going, but suddenly Jax became aware that they were on the outskirts of town.  Brenda signaled to pull onto a dead end street back in the woods.  She drove straight to the back and parked in the circular driveway of a white cottage.  He parked behind her and got out of the car. 

He gazed around him in simple awe of the beauty of this house.  It was classic Brenda.  The outside was simple, as he was sure the inside was.  There was an elegance about it, but it was subtle.  The woods merely highlighted the house and the wicker porch swing looked like it had always belonged there, though he was betting she had added it.  He knew it had always been one of her dreams that a wicker swing made a house a home for her.  Brenda unlocked the door and led him inside where he was right to find the same simple elegance in its decoration.  The muted tones of the main floor told him everything about the rest of the house.  It was feminine without being overly so.  He knew she'd done it herself.

Jax stood in the doorway for a few minutes.  "This is a great place, Brenda.  I can see why you like it," he commented.

She grinned.  "I do, too, you know.  I love it here.  It's kind of a safe place for me.  A place where I can just be me."  She gave him the grand tour of the house then, leading him upstairs and then back down and into the kitchen.

For some reason, he could guess it was a room that wasn't used as much as the others were and he said as much, joking.  They went back into the living room and she lit a fire in the fireplace.  He took a seat on the far end of the off-white couch.  She kicked off her shoes and sat near the fireplace on one of the floor pillows.

Brenda watched Jax for a few minutes before saying anything.  "So what do you want to do?  We can watch a movie or we can just talk."

"Or we can do both," he said softly.

"Okay," she agreed.  "What would you like to talk about?"  She knew what she wanted to talk about, but she suspected he wasn't ready for that.

They talked for quite a long time about everything.  Brenda told him about Ned and Lois and what they'd been doing recently.  Jax told her about his family and where they were scattered right then.  She told him about her modeling campaign that was underway.  She worked for a branch of his company that he'd sold to Lucy Coe a year before.  Jacks Cosmetics was Lucy's second go at a cosmetics company when her first one had been rudely stolen out from under her.  To exact her revenge, she stole the company's best model, Brenda, to use as her own.  Now, Brenda worked as the spokes model for Jacks Cosmetics.

Eventually, Brenda got them both a drink from the small bar she kept.  They settled in to watch a movie together.  It was one of Jax's favorites and she had conceded to let him watch it.  They both sat on the comfortable couch, side by side with their feet on the coffee table in front of them.

When the movie was finished, it was dark outside and Brenda invited Jax to stay for dinner.  They ordered in from a local restaurant that delivered.  They talked a lot more and drank a bit more, too. 

It was unintentional, but by midnight, Jax realized he was a little bit drunk.  He went to stand up and when the room spun, he smiled at Brenda.  "I know what you're trying to do, Brenda," he said.

She smiled back at him.  "What's that?"  She hadn't had nearly as much to drink as he had, but she was still feeling some effects. 

"You got me too drunk to drive and now I have to stay here with you.  All night," he taunted her. 

She laughed.  "You figured me out, Jax."  When he tried to stand and he was unstable to walk, she said, "But I do think it would be a good idea if you did stay here.  There is no way I'm letting you drive in this condition."

"You could drive me.  You haven't had as much as I've had," he suggested quite rationally.

"Maybe not, but I've had enough to know I shouldn't drive either.  Looks like you're staying here."

By the time she finished speaking, he had turned on the couch and was half-lying down.  "I think you're right," he said.  He closed his eyes sleepily, but opened them again and gestured to her to come to him.  She sat down next to him and he wrapped his arms around her, hugging her to him.  "Good night, Brenda."

"Good night, Jax," she responded, hugging him back.

He didn't release her as he fell asleep.  She leaned her head against his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart beneath her ear.  It wasn't long before she was asleep, as well.

 

"Jax, what did you want to be when you grew up?" she asked him one night as they sat in front of the fire in his apartment.

"Who says I'm grown up?" he responded.

She turned to face him from where she sat on the floor.  He was sitting on the couch above her.  "Seriously, did you always want to be a businessman?  To run your own company by the time you were twenty-five and be this successful?"

He took a second and thought about it.  "No, I didn't," he finally said, smiling a little.

"So, then what were your goals?"

"Honestly?" Jax said.  "I wanted to be a doctor.  I wanted to help fix people and know that I'd done something to make them better.  But it's funny, I didn't want to just be a regular doctor."

"What kind of doctor did you want to be?" she asked curiously.

"I wanted to be a doctor for children."  There was a hint of sadness in his voice as he thought about it.  "I wanted to stop the pain for all the little kids I could see were hurting."

She smiled.  "What made you want to do that?"

He seemed to lose himself in the memory a little.  "When I was fourteen years old, my mother was in the hospital after a car accident.  One day while I was there with my dad and brother, I started wandering the halls.  I came to the pediatrics wing and just kind of walked around.  There was this one little boy, he couldn't have been more than five years old.  He was sitting by himself in the corner of the playroom in a wheelchair.  I could tell he was sad about something and I went over to him.  I don't know what made me do it."  There was a soft look on his face as his gaze fixed on a blank space in the air and he continued.  "In the span of an hour, this little boy told me he'd lost his mother just a few days before in car accident, much like the one my mother had been in.  He'd been in the car with her when they'd been hit, but he hadn't been hurt as seriously.  I stayed and talked to that little boy for more than two hours.  My dad had to come find me when they were ready to leave."  His voice had grown softer as he spoke and to the point where she could barely hear him.

She got up and sat on the couch beside him.  She turned sideways and looked at him.  "What happened?" she asked softly.

"I went back the next day to visit him again.  We became really good friends and I would go to see him every day that I could.  My parents thought I was nuts.  But one day, I went to the hospital and he wasn't there.  His room was empty and he wasn't in the lounge or playroom anywhere.  So I asked a nurse where he was."  His voice shook slightly and he took a deep breath.  "This kind woman politely informed me that the little boy had died the night before.  See, he'd never told me, but he'd had a terminal illness.  I don't know why he didn't tell me, but when I heard, I made up my mind right there and then.  He shouldn't have had to have so much pain in his life and I wanted to do something to make sure there weren't anymore kids like him.  I wanted to help kids and find cures for their terminal illness.  All because of that little boy."

She sat with him silently while he continued to think.  Jax was just as quiet, staring off into space absently.  Eventually, he turned to face her.  "Wow, you know I'd almost forgotten about that.  I guess as I grew up and my interests changed, I let myself forget about that little boy."

"Would you go back and change it if you could?"

Without hesitation, he shook his head, smiling again.  "No."

"Why not?  Don't ever wonder what could have happened?"

"I think everyone wonders sometime what could have happened if they had just made that decision instead of this one.  But the fact still remains, we can't change it.  What's done is done and we have to live with our choices.  We can't have regrets and we can't look back and wonder 'what if.'"

She nodded silently.  His philosophies made perfect sense to her and she knew that as she had come to know him over the past four months, she had even adopted some of them herself.  She admired him for what he stood for and the beliefs he had.  But, she realized as she sat there, it was more than admiration.  She was falling in love with this man.  This best friend that she had sworn she wouldn't fall in love with.

Brenda turned in her sleep and curled next to Jax's side, a small smile on her face.  They'd turned on the couch during the night and now were fully stretched over the cushions.  Jax's arm was still wrapped around her waist, but his other hand had fallen to rest on his chest.  Her head lay on his chest in the crook of his shoulder.  They looked as if they fit together perfectly as they lay sleeping beside each other.

Brenda was rudely jolted awake by the ringing of her door bell the next morning.  Jax was still asleep as she eased out from beside him and went to answer the door.  She had a slight headache from the alcohol the night before, but it was nothing.  She combed her hair with her fingers as she made her way to the door.  She smiled as she saw Lois on the other side, waiting impatiently for her.

As soon as she opened the door, Lois walked inside.  "Good morning, Brenda," she said cheerfully.  She held up a bag from the closest bakery and two cups of steaming coffee.  "I brought breakfast, though it should probably be considered brunch."

Brenda glanced at her watch as she took the bag from Lois.  It was ten-thirty in the morning.  Lois was walking toward the couch before Brenda could stop her.  She turned just as Lois came to a stop.  "Lois--"

Lois turned back to Brenda with a surprised look on her face.  She'd been almost shocked to find Jax stretched out and asleep on Brenda's couch.  Coupling that with the fact that Brenda was still wearing her clothes from the day before, Lois grinned.  "You've got a whole lot of explaining to do, girlfriend."

 

Chapter 12