This is a continuing adaptation of Judith McNaught's Remember When

Feels Like Home

Chapter 5

But I'm alright cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there is light

Brenda's cell phone was ringing as she sat in the plane with Jax.  They were somewhere over Illinois as they headed for Las Vegas in the night sky. 

"Brenda!" Lois exclaimed as soon as she picked it up and answered it.

Brenda held the phone slightly away from her ear and grimaced at Lois's volume.  "Lois, there's no need to shout, I'm right here.  What's up?"  She tried to keep her voice calm so that it wouldn't shake and give anything away.  She and Jax had agreed not to tell anyone until they were already married.  That way, no one could stop them from doing it.

"What's up?  Brenda, you left the Ball and no one's seen you since.  Where are you?"

"I'm fine, Lois.  I'm with Jax.  We were just talking for awhile."

"Are you okay?  We were worried about you after you left."

She smiled in Jax's direction, where he was watching her in silence.  He seemed lost in his own thoughts and not to be paying attention to her at all.  "Like I said, I'm fine.  I won't be in to work tomorrow, though, just so you know." 

"It's a Sunday anyway.  I've always said you worked too hard if you put in a day on Sundays, too."

"I know.  Listen, Lois, I've got to go.  I'll call you tomorrow night or sometime, okay?"  Brenda said goodbye to her sister and hung up the phone.  Jax didn't look up, telling her he was in his own world.  She wondered what he was thinking about.

Jax was remembering the past.  Something Brenda had said to him had struck a chord and he hadn't been able to shake the feeling of unease since she'd said it.  What he'd had with her wasn't trust?  He wondered how that could be.  Had he never really opened up to her enough to make her think she was the only person he truly did trust?  He didn't share his life with anyone.  In all his years, Brenda really was the only person who knew as much as even she did.  She was the only person he'd been willing and able to tell that information to.

"Jax?" Brenda said quietly.  When he didn't respond, she repeated his name.

Jax looked up slowly and met her questioning gaze.

"Are you okay?" she asked.  He'd looked almost troubled by his thoughts and it made her wonder even more what was going on.

He nodded.  "Yeah, I'm fine.  I was just thinking."

"About what?"

He hesitated, wondering if he should really tell her.  "About where we should go to celebrate after we get married."

"Is it really something to celebrate?  It's a fake marriage, Jax."

"Yes, but it's one that gives us both something good.  So I think we should celebrate, yes."

Brenda sighed and smiled slightly.  "Whatever you say."

They fell silent again and Brenda leaned her head back against the cushions of the couch in Jax's private jet.  She closed her eyes and tried to relax.  Jax watched her as she appeared to drift off to sleep.  He wondered just what was going to come of all of this.

~~~~~~~~~~

A few hours later, Brenda was Mrs. Jasper Jacks and it was official.  They had even put on a little show for the chapel's minister.  It was Jax's idea that if his family checked into it, he wanted the minister to be able to tell them that Jax and Brenda had appeared to be completely in love and acting on a spontaneous urge to be together forever.  It had worked, too.  The minister blessed them with a very long and happy life together because he truly felt these 'two were just meant to be together.'

Again, Brenda sat in the private jet, flying East now, and gazed down at the solid gold band that now adorned her left ring finger.  Jax had ducked into an expensive jewelry store that was open and bought them the matching rings before they proceeded to the chapel.  She was trying desperately to think of one reason why this whole thing wasn't a bad idea.  All of Jax's reasoning had gone out the window as soon as she had walked out of the chapel with her hand in his.  Suddenly, it all seemed as if it should be a bad dream, but it wasn't.  The gold ring was a constant reminder of that.

Jax watched Brenda silently as she twisted the ring around and around on her hand.  His own left finger held the matching ring to hers and he glanced down at it once.  She hadn't gone into the jewelry store with him, instead, she chose to wait outside.  Because of that, she hadn't seen that her ring was engraved.  He hadn't told her and she hadn't looked.  A single word wrapped around the top half of the band, written in cursive writing.  Forever.

He had come to a decision in the plane before they landed.  He had realized as he thought about it that he actually wanted to make this work between them.  Ten years before, he knew he'd loved the girl he knew.  She was five years younger than him, but it didn't matter.  He loved her and he knew that know.  He knew it then, but could never tell her.  He was sure his version of love was much different than hers.  And now, as he had convinced her to trust him and marry him, he saw hints of that same girl still in her.  If they were still there, he was sure he could bring them out in her again.  The naivety was there, buried now under a layer of betrayal.  The happiness and joy was there, all of it was just hidden right now.  She'd been hurt deeply and he thought maybe she was forgetting how to love or what love meant.  He was hoping to show her again, but just as she was, he was unsure it would work out between them.  He just wanted it to happen more than she did.

As the plane landed in the Port Charles airport again, Jax escorted Brenda off the plane.  It was almost noon of the following day and he could tell she was almost dead on her feet.  There hadn't been much chance to sleep the night before.  They arrived back at the Port Charles Hotel and he took her up to his suite, practically carrying her off the elevator.  Once the door was open and they were inside, he did carry her the rest of the way to the guest bedroom.  Her arms wrapped around his neck as she was asleep in seconds in his arms.  He laid her down carefully on the bed, still fully clothed in her evening gown from the ball the night before.  He closed the door and left her to sleep on her own.

Jax went into his own bedroom and took off his tuxedo jacket and his shoes.  He closed the blinds on the windows to block the midday summer sun and in the darkness, he removed his shirt, as well.  He called down to the front desk, made a few arrangements, and then lay down on the bed.  Almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, he fell asleep.  His usually dreamless sleep was now suddenly full of dreams of what life with Brenda Barrett Jacks would be like.

Hours later, Brenda awoke with a start.  She didn't immediately recognize the room she was in, but knew it was a bedroom.  Looking around cautiously and remembering the previous events, she deduced that Jax had brought her into the guest room of his apartment and let her sleep alone.  She smiled as she appreciated his gentlemanly gesture.  But as she looked down and saw that she was still dressed in her ball gown, she frowned slightly.  This wasn't her house and she had no clothes here.  Then, as her gaze took in the whole room, she saw a bag resting on a chair in the corner.  There was a hotel robe over the back of the chair, as well.  She got up and padded in her bare feet over to the chair to see what was in the bag.  Inside, she found a pair of blue jeans and a white t-shirt, both in her exact size.  Accompanying them were other necessities and a pair of sandals, again in her size.  She didn't know he'd known or how he'd done it, but it was another act that she appreciated greatly.

After she had showered and dressed, Brenda went into the living room of the suite.  It looked different by the light of the early evening sunset.  It was hard to believe the events that had transpired within this room the night before.  But one look down at the gold ring on her finger was enough to make her know that it truly was real.  She really was Mrs. Jasper Jacks.  She was married to a stranger and she had no idea where to go from here.

She looked around for Jax, but when she didn't see him and saw that the other bedroom door was still closed, she figured he was still asleep.  Going back into the living room, she called her home and checked her answering machine.  She found one message from her father and one from Lois, both at times before Lois had reached her on her cell phone.  For once, her family was listening to her and not constantly calling her to see if she was okay.  But she knew better than to expect that she wouldn't get at least one phone call that night from at least one family member.  She was hoping to be able to see them and explain it to them before that happened.  That required Jax to go with her when she went to see them and he wasn't awake yet.

Brenda knocked once on the door that led to Jax's bedroom, but when there was no response, she opened it slowly.  "Jax?" she called out softly to see if he was awake.  Though the room was dark, she could see his form on the bed and he was indeed asleep.  He had the blanket pulled up, but it had shifted to collect around his waist so that she could see his bare chest in the dim light, but it was impossible to see how clothed he was beneath it.  Even in the darkness, she could see the powerful ripples along his stomach muscles and it left no doubt in her mind that Jax was very much in shape.  One arm was wrapped up under his head under his pillow while his other hand rested across his chest.  He was sleeping so peacefully, Brenda didn't want to wake him, but she knew if they were going to go to her parents' house and explain what had happened, he needed to go with her and they needed to leave soon. 

She stood next to the bed and called his name again.  Apparently a heavy sleeper, he didn't stir at all to her voice.  She placed her hand on his shoulder and shook him slightly to wake him.  "Jax, wake up," she said louder.  He only moved slightly in response.  "Jax!" she called loudly and shook him harder.  She wasn't prepared for his reaction.

Jax was startled out of sleep so quickly that he sat bolt-upright on the bed, looking around wildly.  His heart was beating rapidly as his eyes met Brenda's and he started to relax.

Brenda had jumped back in surprise, but when his breathing started to slow, she stepped forward again.  "Jax?  Are you okay?" she asked cautiously.

He nodded.  "I'm fine, you just surprised me, that's all."  He was never used to anyone waking him up and when he'd felt her hand on his shoulder, he'd thought it was an intruder. 

"Sorry," she apologized.

"No, it's okay.  I'm just not used to that happening."  He looked up at her expectantly for a reason why she had woken him.  "Is something wrong?"

"No, no, nothing's wrong, exactly.  I was just thinking that I needed to get to my family and tell them what happened and I thought it would be best if you went with me."  She hesitated.  "It's okay, you don't have to go with me if you don't want to."

"Now, what kind of husband would I be if I made my wife explain to her family that we got married without them and I wasn't even there?"  He grinned at her and started to get up out of bed.  Brenda looked surprised and backed away again.  He almost laughed out loud.  "Brenda, it's fine," he said.  He threw back the blanket to reveal his pants and even his socks.  He did laugh at her visible relief that he was dressed.

"What's so funny?" she demanded.

Jax stood up and started toward the bathroom to shower and dress.  "You are.  You act as if you've never been this close to me before."  And they both knew that wasn't true, and the kiss they'd shared the night before that sealed their marriage ceremony hadn't been their first.

"It's just been a long time," Brenda said.  She let him go into the bathroom and close the door without saying another word.  After he was gone, she looked around once and then left to go back into the living room.  She was starving, she realized.  She ordered a few items from room service, enough for Jax as well, though she didn't know what he liked to eat, and then she explored the parts of the room she hadn't seen the night before.  She was surprised at how impersonal it all seemed, but then she remembered that Jax's real residence was in Manhattan, not Port Charles.  He probably wouldn't even keep this suite after tonight or tomorrow at the latest.  It was too bad, really.  She could actually picture him living here and it surprised her to realize she wanted him to have a residence near her.

Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, either.  That way, he wouldn't have to stay at her house when they had to attend something together.  Most of the events in Port Charles were held at the Hotel and to have the suite would actually be very convenient.  She would have to remember to mention it to him when he came out.

About twenty minutes later, Jax came into the living room, his hair still damp from the shower.  He was wearing a pair of black cargo pants and a light gray shirt.  He smiled when he saw that Brenda had ordered room service and was already eating.  He grabbed half a sandwich from the tray before he went over to his desk to check his messages. 

"Did you sleep well?" Jax asked Brenda after he hung up the phone and had his messages.  He turned to face her where she was sitting on one of the couches.

She nodded.  "Yes, I did.  I don't even remember when we got here or when I went to bed."

"That's because you didn't go to bed, I carried you there."

She looked slightly embarrassed, but she smiled anyway.  "And I wanted to thank you."

"For what?"

"The clothes.  That was very nice of you."

He sat on the arm of the couch facing the one where she was seated.  "Brenda, we're married now.  I'm expected to do things like that.  When a lady has no clothes that are appropriate for the coming day, it is generally a good idea to make sure she gets some.  And the fact that I am now your husband makes that my responsibility."

"Well, anyway, thank you."  Brenda got up and gathered the dishes back onto the room service tray.  She turned to Jax expectantly and asked, "Are you ready to go?"

"To your parents' house?  Are you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Brenda, have you thought about what you're going to tell them?  Are you going to walk in with me behind you and say 'Dad, Mom, family, look what I found?'  Something tells me that won't work."

"I plan on telling them the truth."

"And just what is that truth?"  He looked at her with doubt and was really interested to know how she would answer that one.

"The truth is that we got married last night as part of a business deal.  You, to get your company, me, to help appearances and get everyone minding their own business again."

"And you think your father is just going to let that fly?"

"What do you mean?"

"Harlan Barrett is hardly a young man, Brenda.  He's a little old-school when it comes to business, to say the least.  I hardly think he's going to just let you get by and tell him that you married me, a man you hardly know, just for a business deal.  A business deal that, I may add, doesn't even help your own business."

"Aren't you the Devil's Advocate all of a sudden?" she asked.  "Last night, you had all these wonderful reason why this was going to work out for us.  Where they'd all go?"

"Oh, they're all still there, all right.  It's just that those reasons only apply to why you and I should have gotten married.  They do not apply to how you should explain the whole thing to your family."

"So what is it that you think I should tell them, Jax?"

"Tell them whatever you want to tell them, Brenda.  They're your family.  If you think they can handle the real truth, tell them that and I'll go along with it.  If not, I'll go along with whatever you do tell them."

"Is it that easy for you to lie like that?" Brenda shot out all of a sudden.

"Excuse me?" Jax asked indignantly.

"No, I'm just trying to find out a little more about you, Jax.  Apparently, it is easy for you to lie to people.  You're going to lie to your family for the next year and now you think you can lie to mine.  That's good to know, I'll have to keep that in mind for our future conversations so I'll know when you're lying to me."  There was a hard edge to her voice that she didn't bother trying to hide.

Jax stood up and crossed the room to where Brenda was standing.  His eyes were steely as he stared down into her eyes.  "I will never lie to you, Brenda.  Never." 

There was such conviction in his voice that it startled her and she wavered.  She blinked a couple of times and stepped back from him.  "Good," was all she could think of to say.

"Now, are you ready to go?"  His voice didn't soften at all as he put his hand on the doorknob and twisted it hard to open the door.

She nodded and stepped through the doorway silently.  She was learning more about Jax every minute, it seemed.  The last few minutes had just told her that she would never again have to question his integrity or honesty when it came to her or their marriage.  Somehow, it was reassuring to her.

~~~~~~~~~~

Brenda stood outside her childhood home and looked up at the front doorway.  Jax was standing slightly behind her, waiting for her to go inside so that he could follow.  He could see that she was nervous about telling her family, he had expected it.  In a gesture of  reassurance, he stepped up next to her and took her hand in his, entwining their fingers together.  When she looked up in surprise, he smiled down at her gently.  He could see the breath she'd been holding leave her as she began to relax.  Her grip on his hand tightened in a squeeze, but didn't loosen as she led him to the front door and opened it. 

"Hello?" Brenda called out as they walked into the house.  It was a Sunday evening, so she was sure her parents were home.  Having seen Lois and Ned's car out front, they knew they were there, as well.  When there was no response to her call, she led Jax to the back patio where they could hear the sounds of her family's voices as they approached.  Ned was talking with Harlan about a new business venture and Lois and Gloria were talking quietly to each other. 

Brenda took a deep breath and opened the sliding screen door that led outside.  Everyone immediately turned to see who was there and all conversation stopped when they saw Brenda and noticed who she was with.  It didn't go unnoticed by either Lois or Gloria that her hand was wrapped tightly in Jax's and that she did look nervous.  "Hi, everyone," Brenda said.

"Brenda!" Gloria exclaimed suddenly and got up to hug her daughter.  She gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and then stepped back and looked at her questioningly, her eyes shooting from Brenda to Jax and back again.

So far, Jax hadn't said a word, waiting for the right time to be introduced.  If not for Gloria's subtle hints, he was sure Brenda would have almost forgotten he was there, with the exception of the tight grip on his hand.  She turned to him and met his eyes before turning back to her family.  "I'm sure you're all wondering what's going on or what happened last night," she began.  She was met with silence still.  Glancing back at him once again, she said, "This is Jax, you all met him last night at the Ball.  Before you all worry too much, I was with him last night, so there's no need to wonder about that."

Harlan coughed softly at the remark, but he remained silent.  Brenda continued, "Lois, you remember Jax, don't you?"  She was trying to get any one of her family members to say something in response.

Lois stood up and smiled.  "Of course I do," she said.  She walked over to them and gave Brenda a hug and then turned to Jax and surprised him by hugging him, too.  "It's good to see you again, Jax."

"You, too, Lois," Jax replied softly.  He was surprising himself with how nervous he was facing Brenda's family.  He hadn't thought it would affect him this much, but knowing that these people were now technically his family, made him apprehensive that they wouldn't accept him.

Gloria cleared her throat and then said, "Well, sit down you, too!  We were just having cocktails before we have dinner in a little while.  You know you're welcome to join us."  She was stating the obvious where she was concerned, but she couldn't help but notice the look of relief that flashed over Jax's face.  "Jax, can I get you anything to drink?"

Jax sat down with Brenda on the gliding swing on the corner of the deck.  He shook his head and smiled at his mother-in-law.  "No, thanks, not right now."  He felt an instant absence as Brenda got up and poured herself a glass of white wine.  He felt like he was missing something when her hand left his and when she replaced it after sitting down again, he felt the tension leave him again.

A few minutes of tense silence passed before Harlan finally said something.  "Brenda, I want to know what's going on."  His tone was a little gruff, but there was more concern in it than anything.

Brenda looked surprised.  So far, no one had even noticed the ring on her left finger, but she figured that was probably because it was in Jax's right hand and they probably weren't looking for the one on his hand.  "What do you mean, Dad?"

"I think what he means, Bren," Ned said, "is that you look a little jumpy.  Is there any particular reason for that?"

"No, I think what he means is that last night you left the Ball with Jax and now you're here with him," Lois said with considerably more bluntness than Ned had dared.  "Now, I know for a fact that you haven't seen him for ten years, Brenda.  And I thought you hadn't even thought about him in as long, either.  I know it makes me more than a little curious how you two are so chummy all of a sudden after one night."

Jax could feel his face turning red and all he wanted to do right then was leave the room.  He didn't like being in the spotlight such as he was and it was making him antsy.  He coughed once and looked around at the curious faces of Brenda's family.  "Um, Brenda," he said softly and leaned close to her ear.  "I think you should probably do this without me here.  I think I'm just making things worse." 

She looked panic-stricken as he got up.  She didn't let go of his hand and got up with him.  She excused them and followed him back into the house.  Once inside, she turned to him, removed her hand from his, and placed her hands on her hips.  "Where do you think you're going?"

"Look, Brenda, I think it would just be easier if you did it without me there.  It's obvious to me that your family doesn't exactly approve of me.  I don't think they're going to take this very well and I think it would be best if I'm not there when you tell them what we did."

"Jax, last night, we got married, or am I the only one that remembers that?"

"No."

"Well, as far as I can remember, those marriage vows said for better or worse, good times and bad, right?"

"Yes, but-"

"No, listen to me.  This may not be a real marriage in that there's no love behind it, but it is still a real marriage in the eyes of my parents as soon as we tell them.  If you leave me now, where does that put us?  If you think they don't like you now, how do you think they'll feel if you leave and I have to tell them alone?"

Jax didn't respond for a little while.  He knew she was right.  But he also knew that most of the reason behind his nervousness was because he had every intention of making this marriage a real one in every sense of the word.  He knew it was impossible that he loved her right now, in this moment, but he still remembered his old feelings for her and they were quickly growing as he came to know her.  He knew he couldn't do anything about that because she would almost certainly reject it as ridiculous.  He sighed and met her eyes again.  "You're right," he said simply in agreement.

"Good, now let's go."  She took his hand again and went back to the patio in the backyard.  When everyone was looking at her expectantly, she said, "Okay, now let's start this all over again."

No one said anything, but they all nodded in agreement with her.

Brenda looked each of them squarely in the eye and then looked up again at Jax.  "Dad, Mom, Lois, Ned, I'd like you all to meet Jasper Jacks.  Friends and family call him Jax, that's with an 'x,' for short.  You're probably wondering why he's with me tonight since you've never met him, nor have you heard me speak of him.  Well, I knew Jax ten years ago when I was sixteen, Lois, you know that, I'm sure you remember."  Lois nodded in recognition.  Everyone still remained silent.  Brenda squeezed Jax's hand once more.  "Well, last night, Jax and I got married.  He's my husband."

 

Chapter 6

 

Song excerpt: Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk and can be found on the Dawson’s Creek Soundtrack.

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