This is a continuing adaptation of Judith McNaught's Remember When

Feels Like Home

Chapter 4

And I can almost see through the dark there is light

Brenda stared at Jax, wide-eyed.  "You're married?" she asked, surprised.

"That's not what I said," Jax responded.  He moved from the mantle and sat down on the couch across from her.  He took another sip of his Scotch before he looked back at her.

"You're not married?" she clarified.

He shook his head.  "No, I'm not married."

"Then why are we talking about marriage?"

"Because I need to be married."

"Don't we all," she sighed and leaned back against the couch cushions.  She held her glass in her hands, but didn't touch the amber liquid in it.

"That's not what I meant, Brenda."

She held up a hand.  "Okay, wait, stop.  Just stop."  She paused to look him in the eyes and make sure she had his attention.  "Start over.  What am I doing here?  Why did you want to bring me up here?"

This wasn't going as he had planned, he thought.  He'd wanted to tell her his proposal, have her accept, and be on a plane to Vegas by the end of the night.  Apparently, that wasn't going to happen.  Jax sighed and ran a hand through his blond hair before he continued.  "My father wants me married.  He wants me to carry on the family legacy, but more than that, he wants me to have someone to hand my company down to.  He tells me that if I don't get married, he's going to hand over his stocks to my brother, Jerry, to control."

"And?"

"And Jerry is a flake.  He'd ruin my company in a matter of months, if not weeks.  I can't have him anywhere near it."

Brenda was noticing a hard edge in his voice as he talked about his family.  He seemed to resent them just as he had years before.  He didn't seem eager to talk about them, only what they were forcing him to do.  "Jax, how does this concern me?  I mean, last I knew, you were gone and had no interest in seeing me ever again.  Now, here you are telling me about your father's demands?  What's going on?"

Jax reflected on her words for a minutes and didn't respond.  She held a grudge, he realized.  It was a small one, but she still disliked him for leaving all those years ago.  "Brenda, believe me when I tell you that ten years ago, when I left, it was not because I didn't want to see you again."

A flare of anger lit her eyes suddenly.  "Please, Jax!  I never thought you left because of me!  You couldn't have, I didn't do anything to you!  You didn't owe me anything.  I didn't mean anything to you.  I knew that.  I just wish you would have told me," she finished lamely.

He got up and went around the table to sit next to her.  He turned to face her, looking directly into her face.  "What you said, that's not true.  You did mean something to me, Brenda.  You meant more than you know, actually.  I didn't leave of my own choice.  I was forced out, okay?"  He wanted to leave the rest of the explanation out, knowing he didn't want her to know it.

"No, it's not okay.  If it wasn't your choice, what was it?"

"Please, don't ask me questions?  Please?  Please leave it at the fact that you had nothing to do with it and I do regret not being able to tell you I was leaving."

Brenda saw a flash of pain in his eyes as he spoke.  It was obvious whatever had happened had hurt him and he didn't want to think about it, much less talk about it.  "Did you mean what you said, Jax?  Did I mean something to you?" she asked hopefully after a few minutes of silence.

He nodded.  "You did."

"How much?" she asked.

"What?"

"How much did I mean to you?"

"What?  Brenda, come on," he said, exasperated.

Brenda got up from the couch, placed her glass on the table, and moved to gather her purse.  "Your fifteen minutes are up, Jax.  I'll be leaving now, if that's all."  Her hand was on the doorknob before he spoke again.

"Wait," he said softly.

She turned around, a small smile playing on her lips.  "What?  I couldn't hear you."

"I said wait," he repeated louder.  If she was going to keep this up, he would need a stronger drink, he thought.  He got up and went over to the bar to refill his glass, drinking it quickly.

She came back into the room and sat on the arm of the couch closest to the door.  "Tell me, Jax."

"Tell you what?"  Jax was facing the picture window, away from her, looking out onto the city and trying to control his budding anger.  He was supposed to be in control of this situation, not her, but she was.  Somehow she had gotten control of it. 

"Tell me how much I meant to you."  She was determined not to let this go any further until she had a good idea of his intentions.

He sighed loudly and groaned.  Turning to face her, he was irritated to see the smile on her face, almost taunting him.  "You were my friend, Brenda.  The only real one I had back then.  Probably one of the only real friends I have ever had in my life.  You knew more about me in that short time than most people find out in a lifetime of knowing me."

"You had a girlfriend, Jax.  Surely she knew more than me."

He shook his head.  "Nope, never.  I didn't tell her half the things I told you back then.  You were the only person I trusted that much."

She got up and went over to him, standing directly in front of him and looking into his eyes.  "But don't you see, Jax?  That wasn't trust.  You barely told me anything.  What I knew about you didn't even come close to comparing to what you knew about me."

"That's because I wasn't worth knowing about, Brenda.  I'm not worth knowing about."

She turned away from him and went back down the steps.  "I thought you were," she said softly.  "I wanted to know about you, but you never told me."

They were both silent for awhile, reflecting on what had happened between them those years ago.  "Look, Brenda," Jax said finally breaking the silence.  "This is not why I asked you to come up here.  I did have a reason."

"Okay, so what was it?"

"I have an idea of how to solve both our problems at once."

"What problems?  I don't know of any problems that I have."

"Come on, Brenda," he said.  Jax went to sit down again and she followed him.  "You don't call what happened to you a problem?"

"If it is, it is my problem and I can deal with it.  I'm not going to let them win, Jax.  I don't need your help."

"But don't you see?  I can help you and you can help me.  It's killing two birds with one stone, if you will."

"What exactly are you suggesting?" she asked, finally getting to the point.

"I am suggesting that you marry me."

"WHAT?!" she exclaimed immediately.  "You have GOT to be kidding!"

"No, I'm not," he said calmly, taking another sip of his drink.

Brenda jumped up off the couch and paced the short distance in front of the fireplace.  "How is THAT going to solve either of our problems?"  She thought about it before he could respond.  "Okay, I see how it solves your problem, but mine?  Come on, Jax!  How is marrying you going to help me?"

"Brenda, calm down," Jax said quietly and waited for her to sit down again before he continued.  "If you'll just listen to me, you might see it my way."

"I doubt that very seriously!"

Jax gave her a look to be quiet and let him explain.  She set her jaw in a hard line and crossed her arms impatiently.  "Think about this, Brenda.  Your fiancé dumped you in front of millions, billions, of people four days ago.  You are a very well-known person and you know full-well that that news was all over the gossip pages the very next minute.  There is not a person in this town, state, country that doesn't feel sorry for you right now.  You KNOW that."

"So?"

"So," he said, getting frustrated at her constant interruptions.  "All I am doing is offering you a way to show them up.  A way to redeem yourself in their eyes.  You show them that he didn't hurt you like they all thought he did.  Instead, you had your own plans to dump him and marry me anyway.  It can make him look like a fool for thinking he got to you first.  He lost out to someone better than him."

"Oh so now you're better than him, huh?" Brenda said sarcastically.  "What makes you think that?  You've never even met him!"

"Brenda!" Jax exclaimed.  "Will you please let me finish?"  He was trying very hard to control his temper with her.

"What else is there to say, Jax?"

"Just that it's a good idea, if you'll just think about it.  You can hardly want people to feel sorry for you constantly.  I saw you tonight.  You were afraid to be in the spotlight.  Well, I've got news for you.  You ARE in the spotlight.  Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.  You are a celebrity, Brenda.  People want to know what you are doing ALL the time.  You won't avoid it no matter how hard you try.  If you were to marry me, you will make it look like you are still the same person you were before this jerk blew you off."  Her reaction to that comment wasn't good, so he amended his statement.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.  I just meant that he left you to be humiliated.  This is a way for you to redeem yourself."

Brenda was silent for a few minutes, thinking about what Jax had just said.  Sadly enough, some of it was making sense.  She wasn't considering doing what he was asking, but it made sense.  "Nevermind the fact that you get anything out of this, right?  This is all for my benefit?" she asked doubtfully.

Jax shook his head.  "Not in the slightest.  It's as much for me as it is for you.  I won't deny that.  If you marry me, my father will give his shares to me instead of my brother.  My company becomes mine, free and clear, completely mine."

"I see," she said.  "And I get stuck with a man I don't love, in a marriage I don't want, in front of a world of people who are watching me?  What good can come of this?"

"I told you.  You get redemption, I get my company.  Brenda, it's a marriage in name only.  We don't have to love each other, we don't have to like each other.  We just have to put on a good show for everyone.  My parents and the rest of the world will be watching us, but that's all it will be, a show."

"A show?"

"Yes, Brenda.  I know full-well that you don't love me.  I don't even pretend to acknowledge that I love you.  You know that's not true.  But I do like you.  I know you.  You know me, better than most others, even now.  You were the first person I thought of when my father told me all this."

"Oh, that's flattering, Jax.  I'm the first person you thought of to help you pull the wool over your father's eyes.  That's just great.  You know, you should work on your complimenting style."

"That's not what I meant, Brenda, and you know it.  I meant that you are the only person I have ever really trusted.  I know we could do this and at the end of a year, we can both walk away and possibly still be friends after it all."

"So it's a year now?  This just keeps getting better and better."

Jax sighed and stopped talking for awhile.  He was running into a brick wall, he felt.  Maybe he should quit while he was ahead and give up, find someone else.  Anyone would probably be glad to get this kind of offer.  He knew the bimbo in his apartment would jump at the chance if he offered it to her.  But she wouldn't want to leave when the year was up.  Brenda was the only one he knew that might be willing to do this for him.

"Why should I do this for you, Jax?" Brenda asked.  She wasn't sure was willing to do it, but he was offering a pretty good argument do far.  It was possible he could just sway her to agree to it.

"It's not just for me.  I keep telling you that.  You gain as much as I do from this."

"Yeah, so you said.  But you know what?  I can get redemption on my own.  Why do I need you?"

"Because I'm an easy mark right now.  Everyone at the Ball tonight saw you leave with me.  They're all thinking you came home with me or that we're together right now, at least.  You know damn well that their speculation will be in the papers tomorrow about us."

"So?  It's just speculation unless they have proof and they don't."

"If it were ever going to be done, Brenda, now is the time to do it.  It's still only a few days after that guy dumped you.  Before long, people will forget about it."

"But isn't that a good thing?" she asked, confused.  She wanted people to forget about the whole thing and leave her alone.

"Yes, it could be.  But don't forget, just because it's out of the papers doesn't mean it's out of peoples' minds.  Newspapers are archived.  Every time you start to date someone again, they'll look back at this story and speculate if it's going to happen again.  But if you marry me now, while it's fresh in their minds and they're still reporting on it, it's gold, Brenda."

"But then in a year, we break up and go our separate ways.  How's that going to help me?"

"You get to do the breaking up," he said.  "See, our arrangement is for my family and your public appearance.  It doesn't matter what my family thinks of me, it matters what the public thinks of you.  If you dump me, you look like the stronger person.  I'll have my company by then, they won't be able to take it away from me.  And then, you'll have your public redemption and your freedom."

"They'll be able to tell, Jax.  They'll know we're not in love."  She was trying to come up with something, anything, to stop him from wanting to do this.  So far, he was shooting down all of her arguments.

"We're good actors, Brenda.  I know you are.  I can tell from the way you're not letting me see what you're thinking at all right now."  He smiled at her for the first time since they started this whole thing.  "And I think I can hold my own.  Besides, we're both busy people, we won't even be together all that often.  There will be the occasional obligatory appearance, but otherwise, we won't have to be in the public eye.  Hell, Brenda, we don't even have to live together."

"We don't?"

Jax shook his head.  "No, we don't.  I know you're based here in Port Charles for your magazine.  I have my company in New York City.  We'll both keep our houses and we'll commute to see each other for whatever we have to do."

"You have this all worked out, don't you?"  Brenda was looking at him, amazed at the thought he had obviously put into this.  He had an answer for everything.

"It was the only way to convince you to do this with me.  So tell me, did I convince you?"  He finally asked if she was willing.

She got up from the couch and went over to the window.  Looking down on the city, everything seemed so small to her.  It didn't seem possible that she was letting other people's opinions of her dictate what she was doing.  But she knew it would help her appearance and that could only help her magazine.  It wasn't like she was losing anything by doing this, she thought.  A year, that was doable.  It wasn't that long.  And then she would be free of him, have her image and her dignity, and she would be able to date again.  By then, she'd probably even be willing to date again.  It was her own built in grieving process for her relationship, one that the public wouldn't be able to watch.  It was almost too good to be true.  She almost couldn't afford to turn him down.

Brenda turned back to him, still standing in front of the window.  "One year?" she asked again.

"One year," Jax repeated.

"And then a divorce, clean and easy?  No hassles, no problems?"

"No hassles, no problems.  And we both walk away with exactly what we had when we entered into the whole thing.  Everything that was ours and only what was ours."

It sounded easy enough, she thought.  What did she have to lose?

"Will you do it?" Jax asked.  He got up from the couch and went over to her, waiting for her response.

Brenda looked up into his clear blue eyes, the same eyes she remembered from all those years ago.  This man in front of her was nothing like the one she remembered from then.  This man was harder and colder than he used to be.  Years had worn on him and he had changed.  But his eyes were the same.  She could still read them just as easily.  She looked at him in amazement and wonder.  "What in the world will my family think when they find out I got married?" she said softly.

"Who says we have to tell them?" Jax asked, slyly.

"Jax, you said yourself that my relationship is in the public eye.  They'll know as soon as it's done, I can guarantee you that."

"So you'll tell them first."

She nodded, smiling up at him in response to his.  She felt a quiver of excitement run through her body.

"You'll do it?" he asked one more time.

Brenda nodded again.  "I'll do it."

Jax grinned.  He held out his hand to her and when she had put hers in his, he led her toward the doorway.  "Then, let's get married."

She stopped in her tracks.  "Wait, now?  Right now?"

"Why not?"

"I…I just…I don't know," she said, feeling foolish for stopping him.

"Brenda, if we don't go now, it may not happen.  We won't find a better time."

She hesitated for only a second longer and then nodded.  "Okay, let's go."

Jax led her to the elevators, her hand in his again. "I'm getting married," Brenda whispered as the doors closed and they headed out of the hotel.

 

Chapter 5

 

Song excerpt: Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk and can be found on the Dawson’s Creek Soundtrack.

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