This is a continuing adaptation of Judith McNaught's Remember When

Feels Like Home

Chapter 3

But I'm all right cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there is light

Brenda put the last pin in her hair as she got ready for the Annual Nurse's Ball on Saturday night.  It was a charity event that took place every year in the Port Charles Hotel.  It was put on by the staff of General Hospital and every year, it raised astounding amounts of money for the research for the AIDS disease.  This year, Brenda had donated a substantial amount of time and money to the cause and she was a guest of honor that evening.  She hadn't had time to find out who the other people were who were to be honored with her.

A car horn honked outside as she was coming down the steps of her house to look for her purse.  Spotting it on the table, she grabbed it and headed for the limousine her father had to take the entire family to the event.  As she got inside and the chauffeur closed the door, she took a deep breath.  She was the first to be picked up so her family hadn't had the chance to express their sympathy for the fact that she now had no date for the evening.  It would be a very long night, she thought, damning Scott again.

Half an hour later, after picking up the rest of her family, the limousine pulled up in front of the hotel.  Flashbulbs popped from the media's cameras as soon as they saw who it was that was arriving.  Brenda was apparently the only person there worth making this big of a fuss over as everyone else who was arriving was virtually ignored as they made their way into the hotel.

Harlan tried his best to shield Brenda and the rest of his family from the prying eyes of the cameras, but they were still able to get quite a few shots of her arrival.  They all took a deep breath together as they finally stood in the lobby behind closed doors and away from everyone else.

Brenda knew everyone's eyes were going to be on her tonight.  They would want to see how she was handling the situation.  They were all just waiting for her to break down in public and lose it.  She was more determined than ever not to let that happen.  She adjusted her royal blue, floor-length gown and casually made her way to the ballroom.  Her parents and Lois and Ned followed closely behind.  As they entered the room, a sudden hush fell and then the noise rose again as everyone turned to look, stare, and then look away to talk amongst themselves.  She refused to feel self-conscious.

"They're only looking at how gorgeous you look, Bren," Ned whispered in her ear as she stood in the doorway.

She smiled up at him and thanked him silently.  Lois and Ned moved away to talk to a few friends of theirs and suddenly, Brenda found herself alone as her parents were talking to Edward and Lila Quartermaine, the most prominent people in Port Charles.  She moved towards the open bar and got a glass of champagne.  There was a slight shake in her hands as she took a sip of the bubbling liquid and looked around the room.

To her right, Brenda could see Lucy Coe, the mistress of ceremonies for the evening and an associate of hers, approaching quickly.  Lucy was dressed for her opening and she opened her arms to Brenda as she walked up, giving her a brief hug.  "Brenda, I am so sorry to hear about you and Scott," Lucy said sincerely.  The sympathy in her voice was apparent.

"Thank you, Lucy," she said graciously and looked away, trying to give the impression of wanting to change the subject.  Lucy didn't get the hint.

"I just don't know what I'd do if my Doc were to do that to me.  I'd just be completely humiliated," Lucy continued on.  "I don't know how you do it."

"One day at a time," Brenda said.  She began to move away.  "Excuse me, Lucy," she said as if she were going to speak to someone else.  Instead, she headed straight for the doors and didn't stop until she was on the balcony overlooking the Port Charles River.  She felt tears welling in her eyes as she stood in the warm evening air, watching the stars begin to twinkle above.  She had about fifteen minutes before the Ball would begin in which to collect herself and head back in for another round.

Suddenly, there was a voice behind her.  "As beautiful as I remember," it said.

Brenda recognized a lilting accent in the voice from behind.  It also sounded vaguely familiar, but she couldn't place it.  Turning slowly, she was shocked to see who it was.

Jax moved to stand next to the railing with her.  He was holding his own glass of champagne and he was smiling gently at her.  He looked amazingly handsome in his black tuxedo.  He looked her up and down once and nodded a slight approval.  "Brenda Barrett," he said succinctly.

She couldn't believe it.  Before her stood a man that she hadn't given a second thought to in years.  Ever since he'd left the Cassidine estate overnight ten years before, she'd wanted to forget him.  She had succeeded, too.  Until now.  "Jax?" she asked softly, uncertain it was truly him.

He nodded.  The lights from inside threw soft highlights into his blond hair, making it shine like gold.  "I'll bet you never thought you'd see me again, did you?"  He was still smiling, as if he were joking with her.

She didn't return his smile.  "Hoped is more like it," she responded coolly.

Jax's smile faded then.  He let it go for now, but he knew he'd talk to her about it later.  He smiled at her again.  "How've you been, Brenda?" he asked.

"Just fine," she responded with a brave tone.  She wasn't about to tell him what had happened to her, though she couldn't imagine he didn't already know.

"Really?"

"Really," Brenda repeated to him firmly.  She didn't ask how he'd been.

"Are you here with anyone tonight?"

Maybe he really didn't know, she thought.  But as she looked into his eyes, the same bright aqua eyes from before, she could see they were puzzled.  So he did know after all.  "I think you already know the answer to that, Jax.  I suspect you wouldn't be out here otherwise."

He didn't move.  He just watched her silently, hoping to see some hint of acceptance of his presence.  Finally, as he heard the music inside and saw the lights dim, he said, "Would you like to go inside, Brenda?"

"With you?" she asked skeptically.

"Why not?  What's the harm in it?"

There was that.  Maybe it would be fun to see what the reaction to that entrance would be.  She knew it would cause some kind of stir.  They would draw all kinds of attention to themselves.  She smiled slightly and nodded once.  "Okay, let's go."

Jax offered her his arm and she wrapped hers in his.  The doors had already been closed to the ballroom, indicating that the ceremony had begun.  They really would be making an entrance together now, though that hadn't been his intent when he'd asked her. 

Jax opened the door to the ballroom for Brenda and they walked into the darkened room.  Lucy was standing on stage giving her welcoming speech.  As soon as he saw the room, he realized just how much attention they would draw to themselves.  The table they were supposed to sit at to be recognized was at the front of the room, directly in front of the stage.  The stage lights lit it completely.  Brenda pulled away suddenly and he turned to look at her questioningly.

"What?" he whispered.

"I changed my mind.  I'm going to sit with my family."  She started to move off in the shadows and wanted to sit down in the corner of the room where the rest of her family sat.

They were stopped in the doorway as Lucy continued.  "Why?"

"Because I have to.  Please," she said softly and walked over to the table.  Brenda sat down next to Lois and stayed in the darkness.   Her family all turned to look at her, but no one said a word.

"Every year, the General Hospital Nurse's Ball raises thousands of dollars for AIDS research," Lucy said from the stage.  "This year, there were several people who made that possible again, but none contributed more than two of them.  One of them gave a large donation to the pediatrics AIDS wing of GH.  His donation will make it possible for many more doctors to hopefully make a lot more progress.  We'd like to recognize him for his generous contributions, so Mr. Jasper Jacks, would you please stand up?"

Jax stood behind the table in the front and gave a polite nod to the room from his place.  His eyes remained on Brenda, though.

"Another person who gave generously of both her time and money was Miss Brenda Barrett.  Not only did she organize the children's Christmas Party last year, but she is frequently seen around the halls of GH talking and spending time with the patients.  This year, she also made a large donation to the AIDS research and it, too, will hopefully lend itself to a lot more progress.  Brenda, would you please stand up?"

The spotlight was trained on the head table, but Brenda wasn't sitting where she was supposed to be.  Lucy's face fell when she realized she wasn't there.  Hoping she hadn't left the room, Lucy searched the crowd for Brenda, but she couldn't see her.  Jax, recognizing that Brenda wanted to remain unseen, walked slowly towards her table.  He paused beside her chair and looked into her eyes.

There was fear in them.  She was suddenly desperately afraid to face everyone right now because of what had happened to her.  But Jax wanted to change all of that.  He gave her an encouraging smile and reached his hand down to her.  All eyes in the room were trained on both of them right now.  But Jax looked only at Brenda.  He stared straight into her eyes and tried to give her reassurance that everything would be okay.  She just had to trust him.

Something in Brenda made her listen to her instincts.  She could see in Jax's eyes that everything really would be all right.  Cautiously, she placed her hand in his, gripping it tightly.  She stood up slowly and smiled at him, looking only into his eyes.  As they entered the spotlight together, the audience applauded her as Lucy had been asking them to.  Nothing more was said as Brenda sat down next to Jax and the spotlight turned off them and back onto Lucy.

The entertainment for the evening began, but Brenda barely noticed it.  She was too busy thinking about what Jax had done for her.  She'd been so cold to him on the terrace because she was so surprised to see him after all these years.  Ten years ago, he'd left her standing in front of the Cassidine barn, wondering if he'd be showing up anytime soon.  He'd made a fool out of her and broken her still-naïve heart.  From that moment on, she'd wanted to forget about him.  But now, suddenly, he was back in their town and it appeared he wanted something from her.  The question was what?

For his part, Jax remained silent.  He kept his arm across the back of Brenda's chair as they sat there.  There was no touching between them.  They didn't say a word.  But his presence there was frighteningly reassuring to her.  She didn't know why.  She was a strong woman.  She didn't need another man to help her hide her disgrace and appear okay to the rest of the world.  But he was helping.

As they sat together, it didn't go unnoticed by anyone else in the room.  They were all beginning to talk quietly among themselves about it.  Questions as to whether this was Brenda's new relationship arose quickly.  People had heard of Jax before this evening and they all knew what kind of playboy he had the reputation of being.  They all thought they knew Brenda, but chances were good that none of them really did, except her own family.  They were all beginning to wonder what was really going on.

The evening wore on and Jax didn't leave Brenda's side.  He was a constant presence to her.  She was trying to stay in the shadows, but he wouldn't let her.  During the intermission, he asked her dance and wouldn't take no for an answer.

"What are you doing, Jax?" Brenda hissed as he led her onto the dance floor.  She kept her distance as he put his arm around her waist and she placed her hand in his.  There were several other couples on the floor, but it seemed everyone was giving them plenty of room to dance together.

Jax smiled at her and responded lightly, "I'm just making sure you're having a good time."

She shook her head.  "No, you're not.  You're up to something.  I may not have seen you in ten years, but I can still read you pretty well, apparently."

Jax was silent for a minute.  "Look, Brenda, this evening can't be a good time for you.  everyone in this room seems to be wanting to know if you're going to be okay.  You know if I weren't here, helping to make them think you are, everyone would be asking you that very same thing.  Can you honestly say you want that?"

"But I am okay."

"I know you think you are.  And I know you would probably tell everyone that you are, but it's probably easier that you don't have to."

Brenda's eyes began to flash in anger.  "Who are you to decide what's best for me?" she asked in a harsh whisper, trying not to draw any more attention to them.

Jax rolled his eyes and lowered his voice a little more.  "I am not trying to decide what is best for you.  I just thought it would be easier than to have everyone asking questions.  Something told me you don't want to talk about what your fabulous fiancé did to you."  His last words were edged in anger as he thought of the cowardly way her fiancé had dumped her.

She stepped back out of his arms and opened her mouth as if to say something.  Deciding that would cause a scene, instead, she closed her mouth and spun around to walk away.  She didn't stop for anything as she made her way out of the room and back out onto the balcony.  She was breathing hard as she leaned against the stone railing around the terrace.  She didn't know whether she wanted to yell and scream at Jax or if she wanted to cry because everything he said was true, but she didn't want him to know he was right.

Jax had watched Brenda leave the ballroom as he stood in the middle of the dance floor.  He wasn't sure if he should follow her, but he also knew there was no way he was leaving things like this with her.  As the lights flashed to signal the second half of the show was beginning, Jax went over to the Barretts' table.  He asked for Brenda's purse, explained that she may or may not be back, and left to find her.  Her family watched him leave, all of them questioning what he was doing.  Lois was the only one who remembered the connection and she was more curious than ever.

Just as Brenda gave in to the small amount of emotions she was going to allow herself, she heard footsteps behind her.  She wiped quickly at her eyes and spun around.  She knew it would be Jax and she wasn't all that happy to see him.  She was furious to see that he held her purse in one hand.

"Making decisions for me again?" she asked angrily.

It didn't faze Jax as he walked towards her.  He knew she was angry with him.  She had every right to be.  And he certainly didn't deny her the right to be upset in general.  He shook his head and stood next to her.  "No, Brenda, I'm not making any decisions for you.  I'm giving you two options or you can make your own third one."

"What?"

"The way I see it, you can do three things now.  You can go back in there with or without me and face that crowd again, knowing they'll start asking questions eventually.  Especially now that you've run out of there.  Or you can leave altogether.  If you do that, I can pretty much guarantee that you won't see me again."  He watched her carefully.  "Which my or may not be a good thing, depending on how you see it right now," he added.

"And the third option?" she asked quietly, not really believing him.  He was being so nice to her still after the way she'd been treating him all night, particularly in the last few minutes.

"Or you can come upstairs with me-"

"I beg your pardon?" she interrupted indignantly.

"No, not what you're thinking," Jax smiled gently.  "See, I have the penthouse suite here in the hotel for the weekend.  If you'd like, you can come upstairs with me for a nightcap and we can talk.  I actually have something I'd like to talk to you about."

"Does it involve what happened ten years ago?"

"That depends," he said slowly.  He wasn't sure he was going to tell her what had happened to make him leave this town.  He wasn't sure she really wanted to know.  But he did need to talk to her.

"On what?" Brenda countered.  She wasn't going upstairs with him unless she was getting something out of it.

"On whether or not you'll come up with me if I say no," Jax said.  He was almost sure right now that she would say it did.

Studying him closely, she didn't say anything.  She could see in his eyes that whatever happened ten years ago wasn't something he was readily willing to talk about.  It made her even more curious what it was that he really wanted to talk to her about.  She reached for her purse and he handed it to her.  "Okay, Jax," she said.  "But only for an hour.  After that, I'm leaving."

It was more than he'd hoped for actually.  He didn't think she'd give him fifteen minutes.  He nodded and started to lead the way to the elevators, his hand on the small of her back as they walked.  "Alright, if you say so.  But keep in mind, I may just change your mind."

Once they were standing in the living room of the Presidential Suite in the Port Charles Hotel, Jax went over to the bar that was kept at the side of the room.  He shed his tuxedo jacket and bowtie on the couch just inside the door.  As he walked, he rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt.  Brenda put her purse down on the table in front of her and looked around the room curiously.

"Would you like anything to drink, Brenda?"  Jax poured himself a glass of Scotch and looked at Brenda expectantly.

"That's fine," she said absently as she wandered around the living room.  She took note of the view from the picture window on the far wall.  Port Charles was beautiful lit up at night and she could swear she could see her parents' house from where she stood.

He handed her the glass of brown liquid as she stood in front of the window.  Then, he backed away and stood against the fireplace mantle, watching her.  Finally, she turned to him and walked down the steps to where he was standing.  She took a seat on the couch and faced him.

"Okay, so what did you want to talk to me about, Jax?" Brenda asked.  She took a little sip from the glass she was holding and waited for his response.

Jax drank his Scotch in one gulp and put down the glass.  He was suddenly very nervous about this.  He watched Brenda and then ran his hand through his golden hair.  He smiled tentatively.  "Marriage," he said softly.

Brenda nearly spit out the drink she'd taken.

 

Chapter 4

 

Song excerpt: Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk and can be found on the Dawson’s Creek Soundtrack.

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