This is a continuing adaptation of Judith McNaught's Remember When

Feels Like Home

Chapter 14

And if you knew this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch…
…I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

Jax was released on bail a little more than two hours later.  He was given his clothes and possessions that had been taken from him when they arrested him.  Dressed again in his jeans and white shirt, he walked into the hallway leading to the outside door of the police station. 

Brenda was standing just inside the door, looking outside at the hordes of reporters waiting for some comment from Jax.  She knew he wasn't going to give them one, but just looking at the number of them was enough to make anyone anxious.  She turned around to look for Jax and saw him walk through the swinging gate toward her.  She couldn't stop the smile that broke over her face as she ran to him and flung herself into his arms.  She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, giving him small kisses everywhere she could touch.

Jax caught her in his arms and held onto her.  He kept her close to him as they stood in the middle of the police station together.  As she stepped back, he forced a bigger smile than he felt onto his face for her.  Leaning down, he kissed her once lightly on the lips before they headed toward the door and the reporters.

As quickly as possible, he fought their way through the shouting masses of people to the car she had waiting for them.  With the door finally closed on all the questions, Jax let out a sigh of relief and laid his head back against the back of the seat, closing his eyes.  He kept his tight hold on Brenda.

Brenda wrapped her arms around his waist as the car pulled away from the curb.  They still had not said a word to each other.  She felt his hands trembling slightly as they gripped around her and she sat up to look at him.  With his eyes closed and his head against the seat, he looked almost as if he were relaxed, but she knew otherwise.  "I still can't believe this," she said, breaking their silence and trying to distract him a little bit.

He knew exactly what she was referring to.  "That they're letting me go home?  Yeah, I know, me either."  The truth was, it scared him a little to have predicted what was going to happen so wrongly.  He had been adjusting to the fact that he would spend the next weeks in jail and all of a sudden, everything was turned upside down and he was going home with his wife.  It wasn't that he wasn't relieved or thankful that he was, but he still wasn't certain they could clear his name of any wrongdoing.  If not, then this time with Brenda would be his last and he would have to break her heart again when he went to prison at the end of the trial.  It still killed him inside to think that he would leave her.

"So, what do you want to do when we go home?  My family is there, of course.  We can have dinner, go somewhere nice, order in, watch a movie..."  She rambled off a few more suggestions before taking a breath and letting Jax answer.

Jax smiled slightly when she stopped talking.  "Honestly, I don't want to do any of that."

"What do you mean?"

He saw how close they were getting to the apartment and he sighed again with relief.  "The only thing I really want to do as soon as we get upstairs is take a very long, very hot shower."  He had more than one reason for telling her that.  The first was that he really did want to take a shower.  He felt dirty from being in jail overnight.  The second reason was more selfish than that.  He knew that if he took a shower, he'd get some time to himself.  He'd be able to think without interruption and he wanted the quiet.

She smiled and kissed his cheek lightly as the car pulled up to the apartment building.  "I think we can arrange that," she said.

As they stepped out of the elevator and Brenda took out her keys to open the door, Jax steeled himself for greeting her family inside the door.  He knew they'd be waiting and he was right.  Lois was the first person he saw as the door opened and she stepped right up and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  He hugged her in return with one arm around her waist.  He felt no enthusiasm for their greeting, but he didn't want to hurt their feelings.  All he wanted was to go into the master bedroom and be alone for the next several hours.  But he knew it wasn't going to happen.

Finally, the hugging and handshaking stopped and Brenda reclaimed his hand in hers.  He'd said barely a word to any of them, but it didn't seem to affect them.  Brenda walked with him to the bedroom and wanted to go in with him and make sure he was okay.  Instead, at the doorway, he stopped her.

"Brenda, please let me be alone," he pleaded softly.

"But Jax--" she started to say.

"Please, just for a little while.  I just need it to be quiet."

She thought she understood what he wanted and she nodded.  "Okay," she agreed.  "We'll be in the living room if you need anything."  Standing on her toes, she leaned in to kiss him.  As she did, though, he turned his head slightly and all her lips touched was the corner of his mouth.  She stepped back, slightly hurt, but not really knowing what to think.  "I love you," she whispered.

"Thank you," he said softly in return.  He closed the door to the bedroom and turned into the darkened room.  The shades were drawn and the lights were off, making the afternoon light dim in the room.  For a few silent minutes, he leaned against the door with his eyes closed, taking slow, deep breaths.

He wandered over to the picture window overlooking the West Side of Manhattan.  The sun was beginning to fade in the early evening sky and he watched it drop lower behind the buildings for a long time.  Enjoying the complete silence in the bedroom, he leaned with arm braced against the window and watched the city grow darker. 

He wanted nothing more than to shut out the thoughts in his mind and really have quiet, but he knew that wasn't possible.  There was nothing he could to stop thinking about having to leave Brenda when all of this was done.  He wasn't even concerned about why this was happening or who had set it up or anything of the sort.  All he worried about was breaking Brenda's heart when he left her.  He could just never bring himself to talk to her about it.  Instead, he kept it to himself and tried to figure out what to do alone.

Brenda hadn't even realized she was listening for Jax in the bedroom until she didn't hear the shower turn on like he had told he was going to do as soon as they got there.  She was half-listening to Ned and Harlan speculate on what was happening in Jax's company when she glanced at her watch and saw that they had been there for an hour and Jax still had not taken a shower.  She wondered if he was alright or if she should check on him.  She decided against it for the time being, figuring he needed some time to himself for awhile.

Finally, Jax left his position in front of the window and went into the bathroom to take his shower.  He stood under the steady spray of water for a long time, letting it wash over his tired, aching muscles.  When he turned the water off, the only thing he felt better about was that his body had relaxed a fraction from the tension of before.  He dressed in a black t-shirt and black loose pants.  Barefoot and with his hair still damp, he unconsciously started to pace the length of the bedroom, thinking about Brenda the whole time. 

"What do you think about that plan, Brenda?" Harlan asked her.

Brenda started as she realized someone was talking to her.  She hadn't been listening.  A few minutes before, she'd heard the water in the shower turn off and now she heard Jax moving restlessly in the bedroom.  "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, Dad," she said.  "What'd you say?"

A look of concern flashed through her father's eyes before he repeated the plan they'd come up with.  "I said, we thought it would be a good idea to check out the background on this employee of Jax's.  All we found in this file is that he was hired by someone other than Jax.  Maybe if we can find out who hired him exactly, we might find out the source of Jax's problems."

She nodded her head in agreement.  "You might be right," she said.  "It's worth a shot, at least.  I'll talk to Jax and see if he'll get us more information on the guy."

Ten minutes later, Gloria noticed her daughter's mind drifting again.  She knew Brenda was distracted by Jax and thoughts of him, so she suggested that she and Harlan take Ned and Lois out for dinner and a movie.  It would get them out the apartment and it would give Jax and Brenda some much needed time alone.  The look she gave the three of them afforded them no room for disagreement to her suggestion.  Minutes later, Brenda found herself alone in the living room.

For a few minutes, she listened to Jax continue to move about the bedroom.  She figured he was pacing.  She'd noticed even in just these past few weeks that he had a tendency to do that when he was thinking hard about something.  She just wished he would share with her what he was thinking about.  Suddenly, she heard him stop and the apartment became silent.  She waited a couple of minutes before checking on him.

Jax paced for the better part of an hour before he finally decided to try to block the thoughts another way.  He was exhausted and he knew it.  He was starting to feel a headache from the stress and lack of sleep over the last few days.  He'd had no sleep the night before in the jail cell and he knew that the night before that he'd spent with Brenda and at his office.  He tried to think when the last time was that he'd had a good night's sleep.  It was probably a bad thing that he couldn't remember it. 

He stopped pacing and lay down on the bed, fully clothed and on top of the comforter.  Laying on his back, he rubbed his eyes tiredly and closed them in the effort to fall asleep quickly.  He was certainly tired enough for it to happen.  Moving his fingers to his temples, he rubbed them in circles for a few minutes.  As he was beginning to drift off, he thought he heard the door creak open, but he didn't open his eyes to see.

Brenda stepped into the rapidly darkening room.  The sun was going down quickly and the light had all but faded from the room.  She saw Jax laying on the bed with his eyes closed and she wondered if he was asleep.  "Jax," she whispered softly, so softly that if he'd been asleep, he wouldn't have heard it.

Thinking something might be wrong, Jax made the great effort to open his eyes and focus on Brenda.  "What?" he asked in response to her.  He moved his legs slightly so that she could sit on the bed next to him.  "What's going on?"

She did, resting her hand lightly on his knee.  "Nothing's going on.  I just wanted to make sure you were alright and see if you needed anything.  Are you hungry at all?"

He shook his head slightly.  "No, just tired."  He closed his eyes again.

"Oh, okay.  Then, I'll let you go to sleep."  She got up and started for the door to leave him alone.

"Bren?" came his voice just as she put her hand on the doorknob.

"Yeah?"

"Don’t go?"  He sounded like he was asking her.

"You really want me to stay?"

"Please?  Stay with me, here," he said, opening his eyes and making his voice a little clearer.  He motioned at the same time to the spot beside him on the bed.  He didn’t even really know why he was asking her or what he was asking her to do, but he knew he wanted to feel her in his arms right then.  He needed to feel her there.

Without a response, Brenda left the doorway and went over to the bed to him.  She crawled across the other side and sat directly next to him.  He reached an arm up and touched her tenderly, asking her to lay beside him.  She complied, wrapping her arms around his waist when she laid down.  She put her head over his heart as his arm went around her to hold her close to him.

"I love you, too," he whispered as he closed his eyes and was asleep in seconds.

~~~~~~~~~~

Three hours later and much too soon for his preferences, Jax awoke with a start.  Brenda had fallen asleep with her head on her chest and she had shifted so that one of her legs was entwined between his.  He smiled slightly at the feel of his wife against him, but then, as he'd known they would, his thoughts returned to him and he frowned.  Knowing he wouldn't go back to sleep for awhile now, he slowly and carefully untangled his body from Brenda's embrace.  She settled right back into sleep as he got up from the bed with a soft groan.

Running his fingers through his hair, he stood up and walked slowly over to the bank of windows again.  A few minutes later, he heard the front door close and the sound of Brenda's family returning from wherever they had gone.  He didn't go to meet them or say hello.  It was late now and he heard them all going on their way to bed.  He heard footsteps approach the bedroom door and pause just outside.  A light knock that would only have been heard if they were awake followed shortly.  They waited another second for a response and then the footsteps moved on down the hall to the bedrooms at the end.  Jax sighed and buried his head in his hands.

He watched out the window at the dark city for a few minutes.  He sat on the chaise lounge facing the windows.  Resting his head on his hand as he reclined in the seat, he allowed his thoughts to return to their previous track.

Sometime later, Brenda woke when she didn't feel Jax beside her anymore.  She opened her eyes in the dark room and didn't see him right away.  Sitting up, she said softly, "Jax?"  He didn't answer her so she repeated his name.

"I'm here," he said finally.

She turned toward his tired voice in the darkness and saw his form in the moonlight and reflected city lights.  Getting up, she approached the chair and sat down on the opposite end from him.  "Couldn't sleep?" she asked gently.

"I guess not," he said after a long moment.

Even in the darkness, she could see the worry lines on his features.  "Jax, will you please tell me what's going on with you?"

"What do you mean?" he feigned innocence.

"I mean that ever since we got home and before, like this morning, you've had something on your mind.  I know this whole thing must be so hard on you, but it might help to tell me about it."

"It won’t help," he said softly.  He was convinced it wouldn't.

"Why not?  You can at least give it a try, can't you?"

"It won't help because there is nothing you can do about it, Brenda.  There's nothing either of us can do about it."  That's what hurt the most about the whole thing.

"What does that mean?  How do you know if you don't try it?"

Frustrated by her questioning and too exhausted to think clearly anymore, he finally said, "Because there is nothing you or I can do that will prevent me from having to leave you, Brenda!"  It came out a little harsher than he'd intended, but he didn't apologize for it. 

She was surprised not only by the force of his voice, but by the pain that she heard so clearly in it.  "What are you talking about, Jax?  You're not leaving me."

"But I will be.  And I can't stop it from happening."  He leaned his head back and shoved his hands into his hair, closing his eyes as he did so.

Brenda felt his entire body tensing next to hers.  She put her hand on his leg and rubbed it soothingly.  "Alright, Jax.  Start from the beginning and tell me what has you so wound up."

He smiled ruefully and opened his eyes to look at her again.  Dropping his hands, he pulled his other leg up to his chest.  "You know I love you, right?"

She nodded.  "Yes."

"And you know I would never hurt you intentionally, right?  I mean, I promised that from the start, right?"

"Yes."

"Then, can you see why it's killing me to know that when this trial is over, I will hurt you?"

"I could if I knew why you thought that," she replied.

"Brenda, I am not going to win this trial.  We both know that--"

"I don't know that, Jax," she insisted.  "We don't know that."

"Either way, I'm most likely going to jail when it's all said and done.  And no matter how much I don't want to, I will end up leaving you because of that."  He sighed.

Brenda inched closer to him and raised her hand to stroke the side of his cheek.  "And this is what has you so upset?" she asked.  When he didn't respond, she had her answer anyway.  "Honey, listen to me."  She used her hand to make him direct his face towards her and look at her.  "Please don't worry about this now.  You have so much else to worry about that this shouldn't even be a thought in your mind."

"But it is!" he exclaimed forcefully.  He stood up, pushing her away from him.  He stood still for a moment and then began to pace.  "Brenda, I swore I wouldn't hurt you.  I promised myself I wasn't going to do that, no matter what happened.  At the beginning of this deal and even more so now that I have fallen in love with you."

"But Jax, you haven't hurt me!" she got up from the chair as she said it.  Lifting her hand, she stopped herself from putting it on his shoulder because she saw him flinch away from her touch.  He didn't want to be comforted right now.

"Yes, I have," he said firmly.  And then, almost as if he was talking to himself, he began to let his feelings out one by one.  "I didn't do this.  I didn't do what they're accusing me of.  If someone did, I had no idea it was going on.  But it's my fault anyway, isn't it?  I wasn't paying attention.  This one time, while I wasn't looking, someone did this.  And now, because I didn't watch closely enough, I'm going to lose everything, my company, my reputation, and my wife." 

He shook his head absently, turning away from Brenda's eyes.  "I'm usually so careful when it comes to my business, you know.  I look at every report and every contract.  I have to approve everything.  I had to.  I just always had this feeling that my family, or anyone, really, might do something at anytime and I'd be the one to take the fall because of it.  So I had to prevent that from happening.  But I turned away one time, just one time, and I lose it all." 

He suddenly turned toward Brenda again and she saw his eyes glistening with tears.  He looked at her hard for a second and continued.  "Was it worth it?  Was it really worth it to forget about my company long enough to fall in love with you?  See, I think it was.  You will never know how much I gained when I came to find you again.  I was in love in a second, you know.  The minute I saw you standing on that balcony, trying to escape all those people inside, I was in love.  And what's funny is that ten years ago, back in that barn, I was in love with you, too.  I knew it, I just never said it.  My God, you were only sixteen and I was almost twenty-one.  It was impossible that I could love you, wasn't it?"

The tears had begun to fall from his eyes and she had them gathering in her own as he spoke.  He wiped futilely at them.  "I'm sorry, Brenda," he said mournfully.  She almost interrupted him to tell him it was alright when he continued on.  "I'm sorry I left like that.  I know we were supposed to go riding together the next day, but I couldn't help it.  I had to leave.  If you knew why, I think you might understand."  But he didn't begin to offer the explanation.  "And see?  That was the first time I hurt you." 

His voice began to break as the tears started to fall faster.  Still, she didn't interrupt him.  "Now, I'm hurting you again.  And this time, I should have seen it coming.  I should have paid attention!  I should have known what was happening right under my nose!  I could have stopped it all from happening!"  His voice was beginning to rise as he continued to berate himself.  "Why didn't I stop this?!  Why didn't I see it?!" 

Brenda stepped forward and put her arms around him while he continued to yell at himself.  He kept repeating the things he was saying.  He didn't even seem to feel her embracing him.  She laid her head on his chest and held on to him while he raged at himself and at whatever or whoever was doing this to him.  She knew he'd probably woken up her family with his shouting, but she didn't care and she didn't stop him.  He continued until his voice was hoarse and he couldn't speak anymore.  It was then that he buried his face in her hair and wept.

Standing in the middle of the room, Brenda held Jax as tightly as she could.  She wanted to cry with him, but she was still processing everything he had said to her.  He'd finally told her nearly everything that he'd been holding inside ever since he'd seen that news report a week before.  She'd had no idea he felt so responsible for something he hadn't even done.  He'd told her things she'd never even dreamed he would say to her.  All of it served to convince her even further that they would get out of this.  They would find a way to prove Jax innocent.

Finally, out of sheer exhaustion, Jax stopped crying and just stood with Brenda, his arms wrapped around her now, too.  She pulled back from his chest when she felt his breathing slowing and becoming less shaky.  Looking into his eyes, she saw the look of gratitude that he gave her.  She gave him a supportive smile in return.  "Thank you for telling me," she said softly.  Turning him gently, she took his hand to lead him back to the bed.  She pulled back the comforter, allowing him to lay down.  A minute later, she lay down with him.  His arms automatically pulled her close and they both relaxed again and fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

Brenda awoke early the next morning in comparison to Jax.  She opened her eyes at ten o'clock and heard the soft sounds of her family moving about in the kitchen and living room.  Jax was sleeping peacefully, so she carefully slipped out of his arms to get up.

"Good morning," she said as she entered the living room, dressed in her robe and pajamas only.  As her family turned to greet her, she could clearly see that they'd heard most of what had happened the night before, but they were going to choose not to say anything about it and let Jax have his privacy.

Ned was on the computer looking through the files Jax had that he'd given Ned permission to see.  "Is Jax still asleep?" he asked casually when she came in.

"Yes," she answered as she poured a cup of coffee from the carafe on the bar.  She wandered over to where he was sitting behind the computer.  "Have you found anything new?"

"Not yet," Ned answered vaguely as he began to read a file.

Brenda chatted with Lois and Gloria for a few minutes before she heard the words she'd been wanting to hear.  "I think I found something, Brenda!"

 

Chapter 15

 

Song excerpt: Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk and can be found on the Dawson’s Creek Soundtrack.

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