This is a continuing adaptation of Judith McNaught's Remember When

Feels Like Home

Chapter 11

It feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

Jax opened his eyes the next morning and immediately shut them again against the brilliant light streaming through the bedroom windows of his apartment.  Suddenly, his eyes flew open and he sat up straight in an instant.  His glance at the alarm clock only succeeded in confirming what he already knew was true.  The clock read 10:03 and he was supposed to have been at his offices almost three hours ago.  As he threw back the covers to get out of bed, he realized something else.  Brenda wasn't in the room with him.  He thought he remembered her going to sleep with him last night, but now, he wondered if that had been a dream.

Quickly, he strode across the room and opened the door.  "Brenda?" he called out.  He knew she had been at the apartment the night before when he had gotten home.  He even remembered the conversation they'd had sometime around four in the morning, but he didn't know where she was now.  "Brenda!" he called again.

She had been in the kitchen, preparing breakfast for the two of them before she went and woke him, when she heard his voice calling her.  She knew immediately that he had no idea what she had done while he was sleeping.  Walking quickly to the bedroom doorway, she met him in the hallway.  "Jax, hi," she said, smiling.

When he'd seen that she was, in fact, there, he'd turned and went back into the bedroom to begin getting dressed, in a hurry to get to his office.  "I'm late, Brenda.  Why didn't you wake me up?"  He was grabbing miscellaneous clothing items from his dresser drawers and his closet on his way toward the bathroom.  When he addressed her, he stopped in the middle of the room long enough to glance at her and then continued into the bathroom.

"Because I knew you needed to sleep," she answered him simply.

He turned again in the doorway to the bathroom.  He wasn't angry with her, only frustrated with himself for sleeping too late when circumstances in his life right now really didn't afford it.  "No, what I need is to get to work.  That is, unless you're forgetting that I'm under investigation."

She sighed.  "No, I didn't forget that.  But I am telling you that you needed to sleep more than you needed to run your head into a brick wall for the fifth day in a row."  She walked towards him.  "Jax, tell me, what good was it going to do for you to go to work yet again and not be clear headed enough to think this whole situation through?"

He knew she was right and he couldn't deny it.  "But, no one knows--"

"Yes, they do."

"What?"

"I called your secretary this morning and told her you would be in around eleven o'clock.  She promised me she would rearrange your schedule until then."  Brenda grinned at him.  "In fact, she sounded kind of relieved that I was making you rest."

"She wasn't upset?" Jax asked in a kind of disbelief.

"No, I think her exact words were, 'Thank God, but are you sure he shouldn't take the whole day off?'  I'd say that's relief, wouldn't you?"  She was teasing him now.  "And don't worry, that's when I told her you'd be in around eleven.  Now, would you go and take your shower, please?  Breakfast will be ready by the time you get done."  She pushed him lightly on the chest to make him go through the door and then closed it for him.

Jax stood, slightly stunned, behind the bathroom door after Brenda left.  He didn't know if he should be thanking her for doing this to him or throttling her for it.  But soon enough, his mind was too consumed with his work problems again and he went to take his shower as she had told him to, figuring that the sooner he did it, the sooner he could get to work.

Thirty minutes later, fully dressed and ready to go, Jax entered the kitchen to find Brenda just placing their plates on the table.  He was surprised at what lay in front of him.  "Did you make this?" he asked.

"Don't sound so surprised, Jax," she grinned.  "I have been known, every once in a while, to try my hand at some of the other things I've learned in life, like cooking."

He sat down at the table and she sat across from him.  As was normal these days, his mind reverted to its previous thoughts and he soon stopped eating, lost completely in his thoughts about work and the investigation.  Brenda noticed that he hadn't eaten anything in about five minutes when she finally said something.  "Jax, tell me what's going on.  I want to help you with this."

His eyes focused back on her when her words drew him from his thoughts.  "I'm not sure you can, Bren," he sighed.

He'd used that term again, she thought, pleased.  It seemed as if he only used it when he was distracted, but nonetheless, she still found herself loving the sound of a nickname for her coming from him.  "Will you at least let me try?  For instance, tell me why, at four o'clock in the morning last night, you decided you absolutely had to look through your files for what must have been the millionth time."  She smiled as she tried to gently pry the information out of him.

Finding that he wasn't hungry anymore, he pushed his chair away from the table and got up, going into the living room.  Brenda had apparently taken his files back out there from the bedroom when she had gotten up that morning and he picked up the one he'd been reading in the early morning.  He began to flip through the pages one more time.  "I just feel as if I'm missing something," he said softly.  "There is something in this file that means something and I just have to find it."

"How can you be so sure it's there if you can't find it and you've looked so hard?"

Jax looked up at her.  "I don't know.  I just know.  It's this feeling I have.  I can't explain it."  He sighed with deep frustration.  "Who knows?  Maybe there is nothing here that will help me."  He threw the file down on the coffee table and sat down heavily on the couch, his arm resting on the arm of the couch with his hand to his forehead.

Brenda sat on the table in front of him, placing her hands gently on his knees to get his attention.  His eyes slid over to meet hers.  "It's going to be okay, Jax," she said softly, trying to reassure him in any way she could.

He smiled wearily.  "You said that yesterday."

"I know and I believe it.  And I'm going to keep saying it until you believe it, too.  So get used to it."

He had to grin at the firmness in her voice.  He leaned forward and placed his hand against her cheek, caressing her jaw lightly with his thumb.  Her hand moved to cover his.  "Thank you for that.  And for this morning, too.  I really needed it."

"You're welcome," she smiled. 

"But," he sighed again, "now I have to go or I am going to be late."  He stood, but kept his hand where it was.  He leaned down and kissed her cheek tenderly before he left her to retrieve his briefcase.  "I should be home sometime tonight."

"If you're not, I'm going to come looking for you, you know that, right?  I found your apartment, I'll find your office, too," she teased.

"Thank you, Brenda," he repeated one more time as he went out the door.

As the door closed, Brenda glanced down and saw the file he'd been looking through still on the table beside where she had been sitting.  She grabbed it up and ran for the elevator, but as she opened the door, the elevator doors had just slid shut and Jax was on his way to the office.  She decided she would make good on her threat to find his office and take it to him later in the day.

Back in the kitchen, she began to clean up the breakfast dishes.  She put them in the sink, added the dish detergent, and began to fill the sink with water to wash them.  As she sponged off the table, she hummed softly to herself.  Ready to tackle the dishes, she took off her rings so she wouldn't lose them in the water.  She put them down next to the sink, back towards the wall, and began to wash the dishes.

Twenty minutes later, the dishes were done and drying in the wooden rack on the side of the sink.  Brenda dried her hands and reached for her rings.  She put her ring on her right hand, but as she was reaching for her wedding ring to put on her left hand, the sun from the window caught what looked like a scratch on the inside of the band.  She really didn't want there to be one on her ring, so she held it closer to her to see it, wondering at the same time how a scratch could have even gotten there when she never took the ring off.

Upon a closer look, she saw that the scratch wasn't really a scratch after all.  It was something engraved on the inside of the band.  Figuring it had to be the maker signature, she held it into the light to see what it said.  Instead of finding a name there, she found a single word.  One that, though she wondered where it had come from or if she dared to hope it was what she wanted, gave her more hope than all of the previous night's events combined.  One word that if she knew came from Jax would change everything.  Forever.

Oh, how she hoped.

~~~~~~~~~~

The day slipped away from Brenda before she even realized it.  Shortly after she had finished the dishes that morning, her cell phone rang.  It was Lois with an emergency situation with the magazine.  It took several hours by phone to solve, but Brenda had seen no reason to go back to Port Charles because of it.  She'd had the materials there to take care of it and by five o'clock that night, everything was normal again with the problem solved.

It was nearing five-thirty when she sighed and flopped onto the couch Jax had been sitting on that morning before he left.  She took a sip from the water glass in her hand and moved to put it down on the coffee table in front of her.  The manila file folder caught her eye again when she did.  She hadn't taken it back to Jax after all, she thought, knowing that if he had missed it, he would have called her or come back and gotten it himself.  She picked up the thick folder and opened it to the first page.

Almost immediately, she closed it again.  She didn't know if she should be looking at Jax's folder.  She didn’t know how private the contents were.  But then she thought about what he had said that morning to her.  He had looked through that folder a hundred times already, but he just knew the answers he needed were there.  She wondered if he had been looking so hard that he was looking right over it and because he had seen it all so many times, what he was looking for wasn't registering.  Maybe it just needed a new set of eyes to take a look and try to find it.

Deciding Jax wouldn't be too upset with her if she did, she opened the folder again and read the first page.  She read page after page for hours until there were no more pages left to read.  If it was there, what he was looking for, she hadn't found it yet either.  And Jax still wasn't home when she was done either.  She looked at the windows outside and saw that darkness had begun to fall already.  Her watch told her it was after nine now. 

Curious, she picked up the phone and dialed the number she'd called yesterday.  A voice mail message picked up informing her that the offices were closed for the day.  She tried Jax's cell phone number next.  She knew he always had it on, but for whatever reason, he wasn't answering it.  One last try and she called his pager number, leaving the number of the apartment after the tone.

While she waited for him to call her back, she got something light to eat.  She ate a salad quickly and took her plates back into the kitchen.  When she was done, he still had not called her.  Worry was beginning to creep in on her now.  Jax was usually a very easy person to find, but now, he was nowhere to be found.  Maybe he was just on his way home, she tried to reassure herself.  Ten minutes later, that reassurance wasn't working anymore.

Grabbing her keys and the spare key to the apartment, she took the elevator down to the lobby.  The doorman hailed her a cab and she got the address for the J&J Jacks of Alaska building from him before she told the cab driver where to take her.  Thirty minutes later, and it was now after ten o'clock, the cab stopped at the front entrance to the building.  There was a security guard on duty in the reception area and he walked over to the locked door to tell her that the building was closed.  She showed him her driver's license through the window, pointing specifically to the 'Jacks' at the end of Brenda Barrett, thankful suddenly that she had had to renew her license when they got married.  If only out of curiosity, the guard opened the door to speak to her.

"The building is closed, ma'am," he said politely.

"I know that," she responded.  "I am looking for my husband.  I'm sure you know who he is.  Jasper Jacks.  I want to know if he's still in the building."

"Your husband, huh?" the guard asked, disbelieving.

"Yes, my husband!  Perhaps you missed all the news reports that told the whole world we got married two weeks ago!"  The sarcasm edged her voice and her eyes flashed with anger at the guard.  He seemed to take her seriously after that.

"Let me just make a phone call," he said quietly, as if he were trying to placate her.

"It better to be to my husband," she muttered, just loudly enough for him to hear her.  She followed him to the desk while he made the call.

Five impatient minutes later, the guard led her to the elevator and keyed in the pass code to call it for her.  Once the doors opened, he keyed in the code for Jax's offices.  He opened his mouth to apologize, but Brenda hit the Close Door button before he could say anything.  Tapping her foot impatiently as the elevator ascended to the eighteenth floor of the building, she was at least relieved to know that Jax was still here.

The lights were low when the doors opened on the top floor to reveal a large reception area with a single, rounded desk in the center of the room.  The name plate on the desk read Addie Stevenson and Brenda recognized the name as Jax's secretary from when he had mentioned her before.  There were four other doors leading to various rooms, but only one looked like it led to Jax's personal office.  The one directly behind Addie's desk, a heavy mahogany door, was closed, but it proclaimed 'Jasper Jacks; CEO' in gold letters on a black plate.  She walked to the door and knocked softly on it.  There wasn't a sound to be heard either in the outer office or in the one beyond the door.  She knocked a little stronger and heard it echo down the hallway to the elevators.  There was still no answer.

Trying the door handle, she found it to be unlocked and opened the door slowly.  As the door opened, it revealed a large, contemporary office, decorated in strong color tones.  The furniture was dark brown leather and the wooded accents were all the same mahogany as the door.  A glass table, the leather couch, and two arm chairs were clustered to form a sitting area.  Beyond that was what Brenda assumed to be Jax's desk.  A brown leather chair was turned away from the door, facing a bank of television sets that were all muted right now.  The screens flickered brightly in the dim room.  All of them showed differed news broadcasts from around the world.  Two of them had pictures of Jax on the screen at that particular moment and one had a picture of both Jax and her from the press conference she had given in her offices after they got married.  The last television set showed nothing of any relevance just yet, but as it broke for commercial, another picture of Jax flashed on the screen with the words 'up next' below it.

Still not having heard a sound from anywhere, Brenda walked towards the desk chair.  "Jax?" she asked softly, her voice barely more than a whisper.  She rounded the corner of the desk and finally found what she was looking for.  On the floor, just behind the base of the chair, she could see the navy slacks she knew Jax had been wearing that morning.  And of course, they were on him as she walked around the chair to finally face him.  But as she saw him, tears threatened to fall from her eyes.

Jax was asleep in the chair, but that wasn't what had surprised her.  His blond hair was mussed where his head lay against his right hand that was propped on the arm of the chair.  The astonishing thing that she could see were the streaks on his face from what she could only assume had been tears.  His eyes were slightly puffy and rimmed in red, but also had the dark circles under them of someone who hadn't slept well in days.  His left hand rested lightly in the crook of his right arm as it crossed his chest.

"Jax?" Brenda whispered again.  She knelt down next to him and put her hands on his knees.  He wasn't responding to her voice, so she lifted her hand to gently run her fingers through his hair and caress his face tenderly as he had to her earlier that morning.  "Jax," she said one more time, louder.  At the same time, she had shaken his knee to awaken him.

Finally, Jax's head jerked from his hand and he opened his eyes in surprise.  His eyes focused on who was in front of him and he looked immensely confused.  "Brenda?" he asked, his voice still groggy with sleep.

"Yeah, it's me."

"What are you doing here?"  He sat up a little straighter as he began to become more oriented.  "What time is it?" he asked when he noticed how dark the room was.

"It is 10:23, to be exact," Brenda responded.  "And I'm here because I got worried when you didn't come home or answer your phones."

"My phones?"  He was fully awake now and he sat, running his hands through his hair to try to comb it back into place.  Then, he rubbed his hands across his eyes and face.

She sat back on her heels now that he was awake and nodded.  "I tried calling you, but all I got was the standard voice mail message.  Then, I tried your cell phone, but you didn't answer it.  When you didn't answer your pager either, I got worried and came down here.  And by the way, you need to let your security people know you got married and that I'm not trying to break in when I come here."  She smiled slightly, trying to break her concern for how she'd found him.  Something had apparently happened that day and she was sure he would tell her when he wanted to talk about it.  She wasn't going to push him.

"What?" he asked, puzzled.

"Never mind, long story."  She got up and stood in front of him, effectively blocking his view from the television screens, as well.  "Are you ready to come home now?  At least there you can sleep in your own bed."

He gave her a lopsided smile that was half-hearted at best.  "Funny," he said as he reached for the remote control to the sets behind her and pushed the power button before he saw them.  The room was much darker with the sudden absence of them and their eyes had to adjust again.  He stood up, turning to gather the things on his desk and put them in his briefcase.  "But to answer your question, yes, I am ready to go home."  He grasped his briefcase in one hand and motioned for her to precede him out the door to the elevators.

Jax reached around her to punch in the code on the elevator key pad and they waited patiently for it to arrive.  The doors slid open and he automatically placed his hand on the small of her back to propel her inside.  But once they were in it, his hand dropped back to his side.  Brenda half turned to see him and in the harsher, bright light of the elevator, she noticed just exactly how haggard he was looking after today.  He looked positively exhausted, but more than that, his eyes were dimmed in defeat and his posture told her he had given up during the span of the day.  She wondered, but didn't ask what had happened.  Instead, she took his fingertips of his free hand in hers and then slid her hand into his, entwining their fingers together and giving him a reassuring squeeze.  He was so preoccupied that he barely noticed, but he did glance down at her once and met her eyes for the briefest of moments.

They got a cab easily outside the front lobby doors.  Brenda had had to stop herself from smiling smugly at the security guard as they walked past him hand in hand.  She'd have her chance some other day.  For now, Jax needed her attention.  The half hour ride to the apartment was silent the entire way, but neither of them let go of the other's hand.  Halfway there, she had scooted over closer to him and leaned her head on his shoulder, putting their hands together on his knee.  Her other hand crossed over her and rubbed his forearm gently and absently.  She felt his head touch hers a few times through the ride, but never for very long.  It was as if he was resisting leaning on her.  But that was okay because she sensed he needed to know that she was there more than he needed to take advantage of that same fact.

The elevator ride and subsequent walk to the apartment was equally as quiet.  Jax hadn't said one word since they left his office, but Brenda could tell he was lost deep in thought.  When the door was closed behind them and they stood together in the dark apartment, he gently withdrew his hand from hers, leaving her feeling a great absence from him.

"I’m going to take a shower and go to bed," he told her quietly.  He didn't even wait for a response before he walked up the steps to his bedroom.

She watched after him as he left.  "Good night," she said softly to no one in particular.

Five minutes later, she heard the shower turn on in his bathroom.  Wandering aimlessly through the apartment, she was tempted to turn on the television and see if there were any new developments that they might tell her about in Jax's case.  Something had happened, that much she knew.  But instead of hearing it from some news reporter, she wanted Jax to tell her about it.  Thinking, she sat on the end of the couch in the living room and listened to the rush of the water from the shower.

Half an hour later, the shower was still running in Jax's bathroom.  She knew, even after only having been married as long as they had been, that he did not take half hour showers, ever.  More to ease her own worries than to check up on him, she went up the steps to his bedroom.  The bedroom door hadn't completely shut behind him when he'd gone in earlier and she pushed it open silently.  "Jax?  Are you in here?" she called out loudly.  For the third time that night, she got no response when she called him.

The bathroom door was closed, but with the shower still on, Brenda was getting more worried now.  Something was wrong for him to be in there this long, she thought to herself.  Knocking loudly on the door, she didn't wait for a response before she went in.  The hot water had created a thick steam in the room that came pouring out the door as it opened.  "Jax?" she asked again.  And then she saw him.

The water was running in the shower stall, but Jax wasn't standing under it.  Instead, he was sitting with his back against the wall with his knees drawn up to his chest and his head on his forearms over his knees.  The water didn't even hit him from where he sat.  As she came closer to the shower, he looked up at her through the clear glass doors.  For the second time that night, her heart nearly broke for him.  Tears ran unabashedly down his face. 

Brenda opened the door and turned off the water.  Jax watched as she did so and then as she slid open the back door and stepped into the shower, fully clothed, with him.  "Oh, Jax," she breathed, her voice catching on tears for him.  Not caring that her jeans got wet, she sat down next to him on the floor of the shower.  Not caring that this was the first time she had seen Jax with more than just his shirt off, she wrapped her arms around him tightly.  "Please tell me what's happening, sweetheart," she whispered in the now silent room.

Jax allowed himself to settle into her embrace.  All romantic thoughts were out of his head for the moment.  The only thing that mattered was that she was there to comfort him now.  But at her whispered words and the term of endearment she'd used, he couldn't help himself.  The tears that had been steady until then broke through the dam and began to stream down his face.  His emotions took over and he began to sob as he sat in her embrace.

Brenda held his head tightly to her chest as he cried for a long time.  It seemed as if the events of the day and of the week leading up to now had finally come crashing down and she was only too glad to be there for him when it did.  She whispered words of comfort to him for over an hour while they sat together in the shower stall. 

Finally, he began to take deeper breaths and tried to calm himself down.  He remained, half-sitting, half-laying, in her arms as he reigned in his emotions once more.

"Tell me what's happening," she whispered again.

He sat up a little straighter and took one more deep breath that sounded a little shaky to him.  She didn't remove her arms from around his shoulders when he moved.  Raising his eyes to meet hers, he leaned his head onto his right hand, sliding his fingers through his now dry hair.  "It's gone," he finally responded softly.  "All of it's gone."

"I don't know what you mean."

Her voice echoed off the walls of the bathroom and he felt a ridiculous urge to smile at it.  He made a move to get up and she followed suit, getting up before him and getting him a towel to wrap around his waist.  "Thank you," he said when it was wrapped securely around him and she was leading him into the bedroom to sit on the bed with her.

"Tell me what you meant by that, Jax."  She held his gaze with her eyes and even now, after seeing it earlier that night, was surprised by the fatigue and defeat she could plainly see in his eyes.

"It's gone," he repeated.  "Or at least it will be very soon," he amended.

"What is?  Your company?"

He nodded.  "That, my job, my life, you."

"Me?" 

He nodded sadly again.  "It's all going to be gone.  It's going to trial, Brenda.  They've got enough evidence to convict me.  I'll be formally arrested in the morning.  The only reason they didn't do it tonight is because it was so late and I signed a form that said I wouldn't leave town.  That if I did, I'd automatically be admitting guilt and would get the maximum sentence."

"Oh my God," she breathed, stunned by his admission.  She'd known it was big, whatever had happened, but she'd had no idea how big it was.

"In a week's time I'll be convicted and I'll lose everything.  Everything."

His voice sounded dead and tears began to fall slowly down her face.  "Not everything," she said with quiet conviction.  This was her one and only chance then.  She had to tell him that she was going to stand by him and see him through this.  She had to tell him she loved him.

"What are you talking about?"

She'd seen the spark light in his eyes for that split second when he asked the question.  That was her cue.  She brought up her left hand in front of her and showed it to him, moving her ring finger a little bit.  "I'm not going anywhere."

"Brenda," he groaned.  "I told you to file for a divorce.  Now, more than ever, I mean that.  If you won't, I will."

"Bull, Jax," she said firmly.  "Neither one of us is filing for divorce."

"And why is that?"  He didn't want to argue with her.  Not on his last night of freedom for a very long time.

"Because of this," she started to take the ring off her finger.

"Brenda, I told you already--"

"Jax, shut up."  She said it in a tone that was reminiscent of teasing, but it did the job.  He stared at her slightly opened-mouthed.  She took the ring off when he closed his mouth again.  "I'm talking about this."  She turned the inside of the ring around to face him and even in the low light of the bedroom lamp, she knew he knew what she was talking about.  "Now, tell me you didn't have that put there."

He didn't say anything for a long time.  He wondered briefly how she'd found it, but more than that, he was wondering how she was reacting to it.  He couldn't really tell just then.  "Brenda," he began.

"Did you have that engraved, Jax?  It's a simple question really."

"Yes, but when I did that--" he rushed out, but she cut him off.

Brenda caught his still moving lips with hers and kissed him deeply.  She wrapped her arms around his neck, still holding the ring between the two fingers of her right hand.  As she pulled him closer to her, she scooted closer to him.  She could feel him responding to her in the movement of his own lips against hers.  But what made her heart soar was when he put his arms around her and threaded the fingers of one hand into her hair at the base of her neck.  His tongue swept between her lips to search for hers as he began a passionate dance with her in their mouths.

Several minutes passed before Brenda drew back somewhat suddenly, leaving Jax gasping for air.  "That's why I'm not going anywhere."  She moved her hands to put her ring back on her finger, but Jax caught them in his own before she could.

He took the ring gently from between her fingers and held it in his own.  Gently, he held her left hand in his and slid the ring down her finger until it rested against her knuckle once more.  He kept hold of her hand in both of his.  "What now?" he asked quietly.  He knew the ramifications of everything now were huge, but he didn't want to pressure her into anything she didn't want to take on.

She gently brushed his hair back on his forehead and then cupped her hand under his chin to lift his head so that his eyes met hers once more.  His eyes were sparkling with tears as she was sure hers were, too.  "Now, I tell you something else."  He closed his eyes almost as if in disappointment.  She waited until he opened them again.  "I don't know how or when or why, Jasper Jacks, but somewhere along the line, I fell in love with you.  I love you, Jax, and we are going to get through this together.  And I don't want to hear another argument from you, ever, for the rest of our very long lives together."  She teased him a little bit just to get a smile from him.  "Now, the next thing I want to hear from you is that you love me, too, okay?"  He started to say something, but she put her finger over his lips.  "Say it, Jax."

A slow smile began to come across his face again and he laughed slightly.  He kissed her thoroughly one more time.  "I love you, Brenda," he whispered into her lips as they kissed again and again.

 

Chapter 12

 

Song excerpt: Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk and can be found on the Dawson’s Creek Soundtrack.

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