This is a continuing adaptation of Judith McNaught's Remember
When
Feels Like Home
Chapter
12
But I'm all right
Cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see
Through the dark there is light
"I love you, Brenda," the words echoed in his mind
after he said them. His lips still
kissing hers, it felt surreal to him now.
He'd finally told her what he'd been feeling ever since he'd seen her
again three weeks before. How ironic
that he would get the chance right before his freedom was taken from him.
Brenda pulled back from their dizzying kiss and held his face
gently between her hands. Her eyes were
lit with passion and love for him.
"Make love to me, Jax," she whispered softly. As she said it, she started to move back
toward the head of the bed, keeping his hand in hers to make him move with her.
He didn't need to be asked a second time. Before she was even laying with her head on
the pillow, he'd taken her lips with his again in another passion-filled
kiss. His hand left hers to begin to
slowly caress her body. He lay beside
her, leaning over her to kiss her, as he began to pull gently at the hem of her
shirt. Lifting it, he drew it over her
head. The surreal feeling came back to
him as his thoughts broke in for a second to remind him of what he was
doing. Before he could talk himself out
of it, tell himself that it might be a bad idea to give her this commitment
now, he pushed the thoughts from his head and kissed her again.
Her hands were roaming over the broad expanse of his bare
chest. Everywhere she touched him was
left with a hot tingle as she caressed him.
While he continued to remove her clothing, she hooked her fingers under
the white towel around his waist. She
let her fingers trail lightly around the inside edge of the towel before she
undid it and tossed it to the side of the bed.
For a moment, they both pulled back from the kisses and looked
directly into each other's eyes. The
only thing that was apparent to both of them was the love they saw reflected
there. "I love you," Brenda
mouthed silently. Jax's eyes filled
with tears for a second and then he captured her lips once more.
They made love until Brenda was left in a happy, exhausted
state. Jax was exhausted as well, but
while she slept peacefully in his arms, he remained awake. Leaning against the headboard, his arms
wrapped tightly around his wife with his hand trailing lightly up and down her
back, his mind raced with thoughts. He
watched the night lights reflect off the walls of his bedroom as he mentally
played back every blissful image of his marriage to Brenda for the last three
weeks. For two of those weeks, he'd
never known a greater happiness in his life.
The regrets now came in on him as he thought about Brenda and
their marriage. How unfair of him was
it to tell her he loved her just as he was about to be taken away from
her? She'd already been left once, was
it fair for him to have done it to her again?
He knew it was his fault for letting it go so far as it did. She'd fallen in love and while it made him happier
than he'd ever been, it made him painfully aware of what was about to
happen. But there was no going back now
and he didn't know if he should be happy about that or sorry he was putting her
in this situation.
~~~~~~~~~~
Brenda awoke with a start in the still dark room. Her hand felt for Jax where he should have
been in the bed with her. All she came
up with was a cold bed sheet and she sat up immediately, opening her eyes
fully. The bedside clock read 5:47, but
the room was empty.
The last thing she remembered was falling asleep in Jax's arms,
exhausted from making love with him.
She wondered now where he was.
She pulled on one of Jax's robes and wandered out into the living
room. The lights were off and he was
nowhere to be found. He wasn't in the
apartment, but now she had an idea of where he would be. Dressing quickly in jeans and one of his
shirts, she went downstairs to find a cab.
The building was as dark as it had been when she was there
earlier in the night, but this time, when the guard at the desk saw her walking
up to the door, he opened it for her.
"Is my husband here?" she asked him. He merely nodded in response and led her to
the elevators to allow her to go upstairs.
The lights were now off in the hallway, except for the lone Exit
light above the stairwell door. She
could see well enough to find the door to his office and she pushed it open
without knocking. There, against the
wall of windows that looked over the city, was her husband.
When the visions around you
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surrounds you
Are secrets and lies
Wearing a pair of loose blue jeans and a t-shirt, he was leaning
on one arm, with his head against his forearm, against the window. Brenda walked over to him silently and
wrapped her arms around him from behind.
She leaned her cheek against his back and molded her body against his,
waiting for him to say something.
Instead of talking, he moved his free hand up to take one of her hands
in his and link their fingers together, his palm to the back of her hand.
"I thought I'd find you here," she said quietly. "Couldn't sleep?"
He didn't respond, but instead, turned from the window and took
her in his arms, his hands linking loosely behind her back. Her arms automatically went around his neck
and she held him tightly. She could
feel the weariness in his body, but his shoulder muscles were tense.
I'll be your strength
I'll give you hope
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call
Was standing here all along
"Jax," she said softly into his ear. "Tell me what's going on in your
mind. Please?"
He sighed and bent his head to the crook of her neck, closing
his eyes momentarily. "Even if I
tried to put it into words, I couldn't, Bren."
She broke their embrace and led him over to the leather couch in
the corner of the room. Gently, she
pushed him to sit down and she sat next to him, curling her feet beneath her
and scooting as close to him as she could.
"Okay, then tell me what happened yesterday." She wrapped one arm around the front of his
waist and leaned against him while still turning her head to face him.
And I will take you in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
'Til the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
Jax's left arm curled around her to bring her even closer to his
side before he said anything. He closed
his eyes as the mental picture of the day before formed in his head. "Where do you want me to start?"
he half-laughed. It wasn't funny and
the truth was, it was destroying him inside.
But her support for him right now was his rock and he needed her more
than ever. He was only too glad to have
her by his side now, even as hard as he had tried to push her away.
"Start with when you left the apartment yesterday. You know, you left that file behind."
"I know. I thought
about it, but once I got here, I didn't have time to think about it again. I spent all day dealing with the press. They were camped out in front when I got
here, all wanting statements, of course. From there, it was non-stop for the rest of the day."
"What about last night?"
"Which part? The
part when they told me I'm going to jail?" He took a deep breath and paused for a long time.
Brenda leaned her head against his shoulder and moved her hand to
lightly rub his side, slowly up and down.
She felt him lean his head onto hers and take another shaky breath.
"Last night, it must have been about eight o'clock or so,
maybe later, someone knocked on my office door. I'd already sent Addie home, so I got up to let whoever it was
in. It was the two federal officers
that have been in and out of here for the last week." He continued to tell her how they had
presented him with the information they had and then given him the choice he'd
been given. He'd seen their point
almost immediately.
What he didn't tell Brenda was that he had come close to losing
it front of the officers. He had
actually had to sit down before he fell down.
It had been his last wish that they would find something, anything, that
would let him go free still. But they
hadn't. Instead, they had uncovered
more information that tied him specifically to the illegal dealing and they had
to arrest him. He offered them a deal
of his own. To not arrest him until the
morning and he would sign anything to do it.
After a lot of deliberation, they had finally agreed if he signed the
contract that said he wouldn't leave town.
He readily agreed, knowing he wanted his name cleared and if it wasn't,
he would own up to his mistakes.
Plus, he had his wife to see, but he didn't tell her that. He'd made the decision that he was going to
use last night to break things off with her permanently. But then she'd gone and messed everything up
by telling him she loved him. It had
broken his resolve and he had realized just how much he needed her with
him. He had no other choice but to tell
her he loved her, too.
Brenda glanced up in time to see a tear fall down his face as he
finished telling her what had happened.
She hugged him tightly and asked, "So why didn't you come home
then?"
"I couldn't," he sighed. "And then I saw the news report on television. They'd already gotten a hold of the story
and they made me sound like such a criminal.
I must have watched the reports until I fell asleep. Did I ever apologize for worrying you? I don't think I did. I'm sorry, Bren."
"Don't be."
She knew he wasn't telling her parts of the story. For instance, she had found him with streaks
of tears on his face. She knew he'd
been crying for quite some time. She
thought it was probably when he saw the reports.
They sat for a long time in the silent office. A little while later, the sun was beginning
to come up and they watched it from the couch, neither moving from the other's
embrace. Each wondered if the other had
fallen asleep, but knew it would have been impossible.
Over an hour passed when Brenda heard Jax sigh shakily
again. She could tell something was
bothering him. "What are you
thinking about?"
"My mother."
"What about her?"
"I was just thinking that they've been seeing all these
reports for a week now. They had to
have seen them by now. But they haven't
called. I've never gotten a phone
message that any of my family has called.
And I was wondering, if my mother cares so much, why hasn't she at least
called? You'd think this was worrying
her."
"Maybe your father stopped her somehow. Maybe they haven't seen the reports after
all." She looked up at him and
placed her hand alongside his cheek.
"Jax, I'm sure she cares.
She's probably worried sick about you right now. You know she'd be here if she could
be."
"I'm sure you're right," he responded distractedly and
fell silent again.
I've loved you forever
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never
Will you hurt anymore
A while later, he said softly, "Brenda, was it a
mistake?"
"Was what a mistake, sweetheart?"
Telling you I love you, making a commitment to you, marrying
you, destroying your life. "I mean
last night. What we did. Was it a mistake for me to do that to
you?"
"Do that to me?" she repeated indignantly. She sat up and away from him for the first
time in over an hour. "Jax, you
didn't do anything to me. First of all,
I love you and we made love last night and it was wonderful. Secondly, I wanted it as much, if not more,
than you did. You did not do anything
to me that I didn't want you to do."
"But I made a commitment to you and I'm just going to break
it. That wasn't fair of me to do to
you."
"No, sweetie," her voice softened. "We made a commitment to each other. I love you and you love me. We are married and we are going to stay
married for a very long time. You
aren't going to break your commitment to me because I'm not going to let you do
that. Even if I have to visit you at
the state penitentiary for the next twenty-five years, every other Sunday, we
are not going to give each other up.
Got that?"
I give you my word
I give you my heart
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow
Forever has now begun
He smiled and kissed her then.
When he drew back, he asked, "Would you really do that for
me?"
"Visit you every other Sunday for twenty-five years? Yes, I would, especially if we got conjugal
visits." He almost laughed out
loud with her. "But I'm not going
to have to."
"And why is that?"
"Because you are not going to be convicted of anything you
didn't do. And you didn't do this,
Jax. You know that and I know
that. Soon enough, the police and the
federal government are going to know that, too."
"Not soon enough.
It'll never be soon enough," he said quietly. He pulled her back into his arms and kissed
her. When he released her, they settled
back on the couch the way they had been before. He didn't want to move.
He wanted to keep her in his arms forever and he wanted to be happy with
her forever.
"What are you going to tell your parents and your
family?" Jax asked a few minutes later.
"The truth. That
this is a mistake and that we are going to beat this together. That I love you and nothing could make me
leave you now."
"Not even your magazine?" he asked doubtfully.
"Especially not that.
You are my number one priority and you always will be, Jax. Nothing is more important to me."
It was because he believed what she was saying that he had to
stop talking so that he could collect his emotions. He kissed the top of her head as she leaned against him. "Oh God, Bren, I am so sorry I got you
into this." He couldn't prevent
the tears from welling up in his eyes as he said it. It was so completely unfair of him to do this to her.
Just close your eyes
Each lovin' day
And know this feeling won't go away
'Til the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
Once more, Brenda pulled away, surprised to find a tear
trickling down his face. She wiped at
it with her thumb, smiling tenderly. "Will you stop apologizing to me? Please? You didn't get me
into anything, all right?"
"I'm sorry-" he broke off as he realized what he said
and smiled slightly. "I can't help
it, Brenda. I can't help feeling like
this is my last chance to tell you these things."
"Stop it, all right?
It's not. We'll have plenty of
time together after this is all over. I
promise you."
"I love you," he whispered.
"I know."
"Do you? I mean, do
you really know that?"
She looked at him again and kissed him softly on the lips. "Yes, sweetheart, I do."
Over and over I fall
When I hear you call
Without you in my life, baby
I just wouldn't be living at all
Silence fell once more, but this time, Brenda could hear the
sounds of someone beginning to move in the outer office. She glanced at the clock on the wall. It was just eight o'clock and Addie had
apparently arrived for work. Jax
remained where he was with his arms around his wife. They knew it was only a matter of time.
At eight twenty-two, there was a solid knock on the door. Jax didn't call out an answer to it, but
nevertheless, the door opened and two men dressed in business suits walked
in. At least they had the sense to act
like they were intruding on something, Brenda thought. She'd felt Jax tense as soon as they'd heard
the knock. His arms had wrapped more
tightly around her and she could feel a nervous tremble in his leg. As the gentlemen entered the room, he slowly
took her hand in his and led as they stood up from the couch.
"Good morning, officers," Jax said, forcing a polite
greeting. Brenda detected the tremor in
his voice. His hand was like a vice
around hers.
"Mr. Jacks," the one on the right greeted him. "You know why we're here."
"Yes, I do." He
turned to Brenda and pulled her to him, lowering his lips to hers and kissing
her passionately, sadly. "I love
you," he whispered one more time so that only she could hear him. His hand reached up to caress her cheek and
once more, he couldn't stop tears from starting to fall.
And I will take you in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
'Til the day my life is through
This I promise you
She began to cry as well, even as she reached a shaking hand up
to wipe at his tears. "I love you,
too," she whispered in return for him to hear.
Even as she said it and her hand remained on his cheek, one of
the officers stepped up behind him and took one of his arms behind him, locking
it into a pair of handcuffs.
"Jasper Jacks, you are under arrest…" he began.
Jax went quietly with the officers. He kept his head high as he was marched past Addie's desk while
she watched in tears. He was led into
the elevators and down to the lobby of the building where it seemed as if every
press reporter in America was there to catch a glimpse of his arrest. All around him, he heard them saying the
same thing, "Jasper Jacks, husband to Brenda Barrett Jacks, has just been
arrested for the previous use of illegal information and false
representation. He faces twenty-five
years or more in prison."
But the only thing he heard, the only thing he wanted to hear
was Brenda's voice, repeating over and over again in his mind, "I love
you."
Song Credit: Feels Like Home by
Chantal Kreviazuk and can be found on the Dawson's Creek Soundtrack and This
I Promise You by NSYNC and can be found on the album No Strings Attached.