This is a continuing adaptation of Judith McNaught's Remember When

Feels Like Home

Chapter 10

And if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how I've wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

The following morning, while Brenda slept in, Jax was on the phone early.  He was attempting to cover their tracks as far as his father was concerned and make sure that the information he got matched what they’d told him about their relationship and marriage. As far as he could tell by the time he hung up the phone, he’d been able to pay off the right private investigator to change his  information before he gave it to John Jacks and they should be in the clear for now.

Jax stood up from the office desk in the corner of the living room and felt the strain of his muscles against his movements.  In the mirror that morning, he’d seen the effects of falling off the horse the day before in the bruises that peppered his skin.  He walked over to the picture window at the side of the room and looked out over Port Charles as it began to come to life on a lazy, summer Sunday morning.  He knew Brenda well enough to know she would probably sleep as late as she could, so he knew he had quite some time before she would be up and moving.  He went into the kitchen, fixed himself breakfast, and decided to do some of his work before the day was too far gone and he got distracted.

In checking his e-mail half an hour later, he found a message that concerned him a little, but not enough to do something about it just yet.  One of his advisors had written to tell him of an investigation that was starting on one of his recent takeovers.  It was one that Jax himself had had relatively little to do with, but one that was making him quite a bit of money, he knew.  He was sure he had nothing to worry about and assured himself he would check on it further the next day when he returned to Manhattan and his office there.

Brenda came down the steps from the hallway to find Jax sitting at his desk in the corner of the room, so lost in his work that he didn't hear her come down.  She was dressed only in her purple silk pajamas and matching robe.  Glancing at the clock, she noticed that it was nearly noon already and she had just gotten up fifteen minutes before.  Jax was dressed in a pair of khaki pants and a dark blue t-shirt.  Even dressed causally, he looked completely in place behind the desk as he was absorbed in something on his computer. 

"Good morning," she said as she poured herself a cup of coffee from the carafe on the bar.  Jax must have had it brought up for her, she realized, since he didn't drink it himself.

Jax finished typing his sentence in his e-mail before he turned in his chair to face her.  "Good morning," he replied, smiling.  "I wondered how long it would take you to get up."

"I always sleep in on Sundays.  It's one of my only chances so I have to take advantage of it."  She sat on the couch facing him and tucked her legs gracefully beneath her.

He had to fight the thoughts in his mind from coming to the forefront as he watched her.  If he allowed them to break through, he'd never be able to stop himself from telling her how beautiful she looked even in the morning, after having just gotten up.  "So, what's on your agenda for the day?"

"Oh, a lot actually.  I thought I'd read the newspaper here in a few minutes.  Then, I'll take a walk through the park.  And--"

Jax grinned.  "In other words, nothing, right?"

She smiled in response.  "No, actually, I do have plans this evening.  Every Sunday, we have dinner with my parents, remember?"

"Oh, right, I forgot about that."  He remembered now that that had been the original reason they had to go last week to her parents' house.  Their marriage announcement had just been a side fact that went along with it.  "And I suppose that means I have to go with you, right?"

"You do unless you want my parents to think we’re not really married because we love each other."

"We wouldn't want that."

She started to get up to get the newspaper when she stopped and turned to him again.  "Jax, speaking of parents knowing about our marriage--"

"It's taken care of, I promise," he interrupted, knowing what she had been about to ask.

"Good," she said.  She picked up the newspaper and went up the three steps at the side of the room to the chair that was next to the picture window.  "I'll leave you to your work now," she said, smiling.

Jax turned back to his computer and spent the next five minutes getting his focus back on his work.  He would need to work on that if he was going to stay married to her for a full year.

~~~~~~~~~~

The phone rang at precisely three forty-seven.  Jax would remember that for a long time to come, he realized.  Glancing up from his computer to answer the phone on the desk, he had no idea who was calling him or what was happening.  "Jax," he answered succinctly.

Brenda looked up from the newspaper where she was just reading about the local news when Jax answered the phone.  Within a minute of picking up the receiver and without saying a word, he dropped it back down and ran to the other room where the television was.  Out of curiosity, she got up and followed him to see what was going on.

"--And more on the story we began before the break.  J&J Jacks of Alaska has been determined as the new owner of Jacobson Electronics.  We told you yesterday of the investigation that has begun into this corporate takeover.  It is still undetermined if any illegal practices were used in the takeover, but it is the suspicion of the Federal Trade Commission that J&J Jacks allegedly used unauthorized information and illegal means for this takeover.  If it is found that J&J Jacks has used illegal tactics, the company owner, Jasper Jacks, could be facing as much twenty-five years in a federal prison--"

Brenda stood in the doorway, listening as the reporter went into a brief history of what each company did and what the takeover was all about.  She watched as Jax held the remote in his hand and as the report went on, it dropped from his hand, soundlessly to the floor.  She didn't know what any of it meant for Jax, really, but she knew that any investigation wasn't good.  Stepping forward into the room, she put a tentative hand on his shoulder, offering the little support she could give him. 

"Jax, tell me what this all means, please?" she asked softly. 

All he did was hold up a hand for her to quiet as the report was wrapped up on the screen.  "--Jasper Jacks, owner and CEO of J&J Jacks of Alaska, was unavailable for comment on the situation.  In other news--"

Brenda had picked up the remote and clicked the television off when the reporter moved onto something else.  Jax didn't move yet.  The expression on his face was an unreadable mask.  She asked again, "Jax, what does that mean for you?"

Finally, he turned to face her.  "It means that I'm sorry, Brenda, but I have to miss your family dinner tonight."  He turned on his heel and left the room in the direction of his room to pack.

She understood that he was telling her he was going to New York immediately.  But what surprised her the most was that whether they were of anger, surprise, or sadness, she could have sworn she'd seen tears glistening in his eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Just tell me how it's possible!" Jax nearly shouted into the speaker phone for the fourth time that morning.  "How did you let this happen?"  For emphasis and out of complete frustration, he slammed his fist onto the mahogany desk in his Manhattan office.  In response to his repetitive questions to every advisor and vice president he had in his company, he received nothing but incomprehensible babbling that explained nothing.  He punched the hang up button on the phone viciously and buried his head in his hands, not knowing whether he was going to give up or whether he was becoming hysterical.  Both were highly probable now.

In the four days that Jax had been back in Manhattan in his offices, he had discovered that he and his company were under a full-blown investigation for their last takeover.  A takeover Jax had merely okayed, but knew nothing about.  He vaguely recalled it being one of many papers he signed on any given day.  As a result of the information used to buy the company, the Trade Commission was looking into it.  According to the officers he saw nearly daily now it seemed, one of his trusted employees had used insider information to find out about Jacobson Electronics' financial situation.  Then, without anyone else's knowledge, that employee had decided to make an illegal bid for the company without approval.  Apparently, as Jax was quickly finding out, regardless of who did it, the Trade Commission didn't like anyone using information from sealed financial records to buy companies or even make bids for them and they held the company's owner primarily responsible.  Of course, Jax had already known that.  Now, his recently fired employee did, too.

Looking at the clock in his office, Jax saw that he had officially been awake for more than twenty-four hours this time.  He hadn't slept the night before, he was too busy going over the reports that were now coming in by the minute about this investigation.  Still dressed in his dress pants and shirt from meetings the day before, his hair completely unkempt from running his fingers through it all night, he knew he was exhausting himself and that he should get some sleep, but he just didn't know how he'd be able to do it.  He hadn't had a moment's peace since the phone call four days before.

He leaned back in his chair and covered his face with his hands, closing his eyes for a minute.  In even that amount of time, the phone on his desk rang again.  Groaning loudly to himself, he picked up the receiver, knowing it was his secretary on the other end announcing yet another phone call.  "What, Addie?" he asked wearily.

She sounded sincerely apologetic when she answered.  "I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Jacks, but there is a woman on the line who would like to speak to you.  She says she is your wife?"

Brenda, he thought with great relief.  He hadn't heard from her since he'd left the Sunday before.  He knew she'd called, but he'd either been in a meeting or out of the office, too busy to return the call at any time.  "Put her through," he said softly.  The phone clicked once and then there was silence.  He didn't say anything as he put his free hand to his forehead and closed his eyes again.

"Jax?" Brenda's voice came through the phone.  "Are you there?"  She sounded mildly concerned.

He sighed deeply, smiling tiredly, and said, "You have absolutely no idea how glad I am to hear your voice right now."

She sat up straighter in her office chair at his comment and leaned forward on her end of the line.  Keeping her voice soft and gentle, she said, "How's everything going there?  I've been watching the news for reports, but they still haven't said too much that is concrete.  And I haven't been able to get a hold of you before this."

"I know," he sighed again.  "I did get the messages that you called, but, I'm sorry, I just really have not a had a second to call you back."

"Oh, it's okay," she assured him.  "I understand.  I'm just glad I got through this time.  Tell me how everything is.  Is it as bad as they make it seem like it's going to be?"

For what he decided was an insane reason, he liked hearing the worry in her voice when she asked about his welfare.  "No, actually, it's not as bad as they make it seem like it's going to be."

"Well, that's good, isn't it?"

"No, because it's not as bad, it's actually worse than they make it seem."  He proceeded to fill her in what was going on, to the best of his knowledge.

Brenda could hear the defeat in his voice and she knew instinctively that he was close to just giving up the fight.  Somehow she knew that he had tried everything he could possibly think of to beat this and he was coming up short everywhere around him.  "Jax, it's going to be okay," she said softly.

He leaned back in the chair and visibly slumped against it.  "I really wish I could believe that right now, Bren."

The familiar term of endearment for her surprised her, but gave her a pleasant feeling when he said it.  She heard the other line on his phone ring just then, followed by a soft groan from Jax.  He put her on hold for a second to answer it and when he came back, told her he had to take the other call.  "All right, just remember I'm here, Jax.  All you need to do is ask, okay?"

He smiled again.  "Thank you.  I will call you."  He disconnected the call then to answer his other line.

Brenda leaned back in her chair, thinking pensively.  There was a knock on her door and she called out, "Come in," to whoever was there.

Robin came in with two pink phone messages and her stack of mail for the day.  "I just thought you'd want to take a look at this all now while you have a break."

Brenda glanced up at her and was silent for a moment.  "Actually, Robin, I need you to do something for me," she said suddenly, then. 

"Sure, anything."

"Cancel my meetings for this afternoon.  Move them, do whatever you have to.  I need to go out of town and I'll be leaving as soon as possible."  She grabbed her purse, the two phone messages, and her briefcase as she headed quickly for the door.  She flashed Robin a bright smile as she closed it behind her.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jax finally hung up the phone that night at nine o'clock.  He was exhausted beyond belief and yet he was still keyed up because of the whole situation.  He'd been talking his way into dead ends all day long and for the last four days.  In essence, he was getting nowhere and didn't even know where to go next. 

Home, his mind nagged at him.  Actually, the way it sounded, it was almost Brenda's voice telling him.  But, he sighed, home in Manhattan didn't feel the same if Brenda wasn't going to be there with him.  He knew he had to go, though.  Staying in this office was getting to be too much.  Besides, he hadn't even seen the outside of his building in almost two days now. 

An hour and a half later, Jax finally convinced himself that he could go back to his apartment.  There was no one left in the building except security and he was barely keeping his eyes open as it was.  He didn't drive in New York City, so he called his driver to take him home.  He arrived at the forty-two story building slightly before eleven.  The elevator doors opened on the thirty-fourth floor and he walked slowly to the second of the only two doors on the floor.  His hand shook with the exhaustion that was beginning to catch up to him as he fit the key in the lock to open the door.

He opened the door slowly to find a darkened room with a few tiny points of light scattered throughout it.  He blinked and realized they were lit candles.  Without reaching for the lights, he walked into the living room, in utter amazement.  He wasn't even thinking of who had done it or why they had done it.  His only thought was how they had done it.

"Do you have any idea what it takes to get your security people to let someone into your apartment?"

The voice came from the darkness in the back of the room where, if he squinted a little, he could just make out a figure in a dark outfit.  But he recognized the voice all too well.  His shoulders sagged in relief and he nearly collapsed at the sound of her.

She started to walk towards him, coming into the light, revealing that she was wearing a dark blue silk lounge outfit.  "I thought I'd have to fly back and get our marriage certificate for them to believe I was your wife."  Her eyebrows furrowed in concern for her husband as she walked toward him.  Even in the darkness, she could tell the condition he was in.  Without another word, she stepped up to him and hugged him tightly.

Jax's arms went around her automatically, his tension pouring out of him almost instantly.  He had thought hearing her voice on the phone that afternoon had been enough, but this, he realized, this was so much better than that.  "Oh God, Brenda," he sighed shakily.  He wanted to tell her everything, share everything he'd been through with her, but he couldn't find the words.  And suddenly, a thousand thoughts were racing through his mind about what to do with her.

"Shhh," she whispered softly.  "Not now.  You're exhausted, Jax.  I'm going to put you to bed and then you can tell me about it tomorrow.  How's that?"

He did nothing but nod mutely as she took his hand and led him into the master bedroom.  Never turning on a light, she turned down the covers while he undressed and pulled on his silk pajama bottoms.  Within seconds of his head hitting the pillow and him giving her a weak smile, he was asleep.  Brenda watched him for a few minutes in the dark and then turned and went into the guest bedroom to go to sleep herself.

Sometime around four in the morning, Brenda was awakened by the sounds of someone moving out in the living room of Jax's apartment.  She tracked the sounds as they moved toward the hallway and then disappeared into Jax's bedroom again.  After a few seconds of silence, she heard him moving restlessly again.  Quietly, she got up and went across the hallway.

In his dimly lit bedroom, Jax was pacing somewhat nervously.  In his hands, he held a file folder with several sheets of paper in it.  He was carefully reading each page for what he knew was the fifth or sixth time this week. 

"Jax?" Brenda questioned as she opened his door a little wider from where it was cracked.  He looked up for a second, flashed her the briefest of smiles, and returned to the folder.  But even in those few seconds, she could see the dark circles under his eyes and the way his eyes were shining in his hours of desperation.  She walked over to him, standing directly in his way to prevent him from pacing anymore.  Her hands on his chest, she said, "Jax, look at me."

He slowly raised his eyes to meet Brenda's stare.  He knew she was worried about him, but he didn't know what else to do.  He had slept restlessly for about five hours before he finally couldn't take it any longer.  He kept feeling like he had missed something in his files that would give him some idea of how to get out of this whole situation.  But even though that thought nagged at him, he couldn't find what he was looking for.  It just didn't seem to exist.  He closed the file folder and held it in one hand, his eyes holding Brenda's steady.  "I'm sorry, Brenda," he said quietly.

It was almost too soft for her to hear, but she knew what he'd said.  "For what?  What do you have to be sorry for?"

"For dragging you into this whole mess with me.  For making you come down here."

She smiled softly up at him.  "Jax, you didn't drag me into anything.  You didn't make me come down here.  I came because I knew you needed someone to talk to, someone to go through this with you."

"You shouldn't have come, though."  He knew he had hurt her when he said it and he was grateful for her being there, but he meant it.  He knew what the right thing to do now would be and he was going to do it.  Whether she liked it or not.  Or so he thought now.

"And why is that?  Because you want to go through this alone?"  Her voice had taken on a hard edge.

He sighed deeply.  "No, Brenda.  I don't want to go through this alone, but I should.  I don't want you associated with this, with me, through all of this."

He thought he was trying to protect her.  She took one of his hands and led him over to the bed.  They sat side by side and she turned to face him.  "Why shouldn't I be associated with this?  I'm your wife, Jax."

"Exactly my point."  He shoved his fingers into his hair and bent forward to rest his elbows on his knees.  He felt her hand come to rest lightly on his back.  "Brenda, we got married in part to save your reputation.  This is definitely not doing that.  You know it's ruining it as we speak and it will only get worse."  He had seen a news report that very night that had finally brought her name into it.  And the news station had even had the gall to bring up her previous jilting and subsequent quick marriage.  That was exactly what he didn't want to have happen.  "And I can't let it happen."  He straightened up and turned his head to face her.

"What do you mean you can't let it happen?"  His tone told her exactly where he was going.  She could see his eyes, dimmed with weariness, growing moist with tears.  He definitely didn't want to be telling her this, but he was anyway.

"I want you to divorce me, Brenda.  I don't want your name brought into this any more than it already has been."

"Jax--"

"No."  He was firm.  "I am facing twenty-five years or more in prison, Brenda.  I cannot have you associated with me through all of this.  It will ruin your business if you are.  You know that as well as I do."

"So what if it does?  And what about your deal with your father?  I can't divorce you, Jax.  You'll lose your company."

"Forget the deal with my father!  If I'm convicted, there won't be a company for me to own anymore."  His voice broke slightly on the last sentence.

It was tearing him apart inside to go through this, she knew.  She could see he was trying to remain strong in her presence and not upset her.  She allowed a few minutes of silence to pass.  Her hand still on his back, she moved closer then, wrapping her arms around him fully.  His head rested in the crook of her neck.  She could feel the tension continuing to build even now in his shoulder muscles.  "Jax," she whispered soothingly.  "I am not going to divorce you.  I am not going anywhere.  I will be here through this whole thing.  We will fight it together."  Her tone was firm as she did her best to convince him of it.  She meant it and she wanted him to know that.

Her own words surprised her as they came out of her.  Even her actions weren't what she had expected.  But in the last half hour, she had realized something that had been knocking at her brain all week long without him.  Through all her protestations and resisting him, she had come to the realization that she was actually beginning to fall in love with him.  She didn't know how it was happening or even why, but she could tell it was.  She wanted to stay there, side by side with her husband and help him win this fight.  She wanted to love him and support him for all of it.  But most of all, because of what she was going to do and how they were going to get through it, she wanted him to love her back.  She knew now that she wanted to make this marriage a real marriage.  And she knew it wasn't going to be possible.  Jax hadn't married her for love and he certainly wasn't in love with her.  It could all only be her hope for it to happen and for now, she held onto that hope.

Jax closed his eyes as she embraced him.  He moved one hand up to grip her arm more tightly around him.  And at her words, he began to relax a little.  She was going to stand by him.  It was more than he had ever hoped for.  He knew she wasn't in love with him, even if he was with her.  He knew he probably didn't even have the right to hope she ever could fall in love with him.  But she was going to go through this with him and for that, at least, he was thankful.

After several more minutes passed in complete silence, Brenda had thought he'd fallen asleep in her arms.  But as she moved to let him lie down, she heard him whisper something so softly it nearly broke her heart with emotion as she strained to hear it.  "Oh God, Bren, I don't want to go to jail, but more importantly, I don't want to lose you."

The tears she'd been holding back for him finally broke through the dam and began to fall lightly down her cheeks.  As she turned him to lay on the bed, she hugged him even closer to her and laid down with him.  When he was laying fully on the bed, his arms wrapped tightly around her in a return embrace.  She looked straight into his eyes, both glittering with tears, smiled ever so slightly, and said, "You won't, Jax.  You are not going to lose me."  She leaned into him and kissed him lightly on his cheek which was wet with his own tears that had fallen.

Silently, with his eyes, he asked her to remain by his side for the rest of the night, to sleep in his arms and to be a comfort to him.  She didn't resist him this time and settled to lay her head on his chest, their arms still wrapped tightly around each other.  As they drifted to sleep, they each made a promise to themselves that they would get through this…together.

 

Chapter 11

 

Song excerpt: Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk and can be found on the Dawson’s Creek Soundtrack.

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