This is a continuing adaptation of Judith McNaught's Remember When

Feels Like Home

Chapter 1

There's something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms

There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life

Brenda Barrett stood in front of the mirror tying her hair into a neat ponytail.  She was almost giddy with excitement at the prospect of going down to the neighboring farm for an afternoon of horseback riding.  But it wasn't the horses that were making her nervous.

"Brenda, are you coming?" her fifteen-year-old stepsister Lois yelled up to her from the bottom of the steps.

"I'm on my way," she called back as she stepped back from the mirror and smoothed her green t-shirt across her stomach to remove the wrinkles.  She checked her jeans once more and, smiling at herself, she left the room.

"You know, one year difference in our ages," Lois said to her mother, Gloria, as she watched Brenda coming down the steps.  "I sure hope I'm not like that when I'm sixteen."

"You may not know it, dear, but you already are," her mother replied, giving her a kiss on the cheek.  "You two be careful," she reminded Brenda as they went out the door to Brenda's car.

"We will, Mom!" Brenda called back.  She started the car and she and Lois were on their way down to the Cassidines, the family that lived in the next house down, a mile down the road from them.

Brenda and Lois had a unique background.  Brenda's father had married Lois's mother after only knowing her for less than a month.  Some might have wondered why Harlan Barrett would do such a thing, but he always just said that Gloria Cerullo had captured his heart in an instant.  Brenda had been away on a trip to Europe when it all happened.  She'd come back to the States to find that she had a new mother and a new sister all in one swing.  Harlan had worried about that, knowing Brenda had been close to her mother while she was still alive.  But everything had worked out splendidly.

Lois and Brenda got along as if they were real sisters within a month of knowing each other.  Brenda had taken Lois under her wing at school and they were now the leaders of the crowd, the ones everyone wanted to be like.  Everyone wanted to have the kind of bond that the two sisters shared.  And the situation with their parents was one that every twice-married parent would ask for.  For whatever reason, within two months of the marriage, Brenda and Lois had taken to calling Gloria and Harlan Mom and Dad.  It was easier than not and no one objected, so it became routine.  They were a very close knit family.

But, Brenda smiled to herself, as she drove with Lois down the road, as close as they were, no one knew the real reason she was so excited about going to the Cassidines today.  Not even Lois.  She pulled the car to a stop outside the barn and she and Lois went inside to join the other girls that had gathered for the afternoon.

Altogether, there were five girls there to ride that day.  Brenda and Lois, along with their host Alexis Davis, Robin Scorpio, and Carly Benson completed the pack.  The others were already saddling their horses by the time Brenda and Lois got there. 

"Bren!" Alexis exclaimed as she saw her friend enter the barn.  "Grab a saddle and a horse.  We'll be leaving soon!  You, too, Lo!"

Lois went immediately to the tack room and picked the saddle she always used when she rode the horse she always rode, Moondance.  Brenda wasn't as quick to follow.  She paused to look around the barn for awhile, watching Robin and Carly as they prepared their horses, but they weren't who she was looking for.  When she didn't see him, she turned and went into the tack room. 

As she stood, trying to get her saddle from the upper rack, she suddenly felt a strong arm take it from her and lower it to hold it in front of her for her to take.  She brushed her hair from her eyes and smiled up at the person she knew was standing there.

Jasper 'Jax' Jacks was the stable hand for the Cassidines.  He was working his way through college taking care of their horses and their barn.  As far as Brenda knew, he had little family and none of them lived in the Port Charles area where he was.  She didn't know much else about him, though.  He was pretty quiet and kept completely to himself for the most part.

She did know, however, that all of her good friends had crushes on him.  Alexis, Carly, and Robin had made that no secret.  Lois was the only exception, she had her eye on someone else.  Brenda tended to hang back from their sometimes unruly conversations about him, but secretly, she harbored the same crush on him.  She'd never told anyone about it.

Jax, for his part, liked Brenda, but she was five years younger than him.  He was twenty-one and in college.  There was no way he was going to encourage a sixteen-year-old girl who was still in high school.  He did like her better than the others, at least.  Of them all, she seemed the most mature.  She was the easiest to talk to and the most interesting.  The others were somewhat shallow to him, but Brenda was a different story.  She seemed more worldly to him.  She'd told him what had happened with her mother, how she'd died when Brenda was only nine years old.  It seemed to make her older, wiser.  She had more to say to him than how nice he looked in the jeans he was wearing, as was so often the comment from Robin or Carly, or even Alexis, his employer's daughter.  He thought maybe she had a crush on him, but if she did, she did a good job of hiding it from him.  Mostly, she was just a good person to talk to.

"Good afternoon, Brenda," Jax said as he held her saddle for her.  "So you're riding with Alexis and the others today, huh?"  He smiled at her.

His fabulous smile, Brenda thought.  He was so good-looking, it was hard not to stare at him, but she forced herself not to.  Instead, she looked up into his bright aquamarine eyes and smiled back at him.  "Yes, I am," she replied. 

"I thought you didn't like to ride."  She told him once or twice that she'd once fallen off a horse and she'd been somewhat afraid of them ever since.

"I don't, normally.  But this time, I made an exception."  To see you, she added silently.

"Well, then, would you like some help saddling up Duster?" he asked, naming her favorite golden mare.

"If you'd like to be of some help, yes, I would like that," she smiled again.

Jax led the way to the third stall on the left and opened it.  He closed it again behind them and went to get Duster ready for Brenda's ride.  She stood beside him holding the bridle in her hands.  "How was your week?" Jax asked her as he lifted the saddle over the horse's back.

Brenda leaned against the door to the stall and said, "It was pretty good.  School's winding down for the summer, as I imagine yours is?"

"Pretty much.  We'll be done at the end of next week."

"And then where are you off to?" she asked curiously, hoping he'd tell her some more about himself.

"What makes you think I'm going anywhere?"

As happy as she was to hear that, she was kind of disappointed.  She had wanted to see if he'd say he was going home to visit his family.  She knew he hadn't seen them in long time.  "I don't know, I just thought you might take a week off and go home."  His face clouded over briefly at the mention of his family and she could tell the subject was off limits for them.  "But I'm glad to hear you're staying here," she covered.

Jax smiled his gorgeous smile and cocked his head.  "Why?  So you can come visit me more often?"

Brenda blushed a little and was glad that the stall wasn't brightly lit so that the reddening of her cheeks was covered.  "Maybe," she said boldly, laughing.

They finished saddling Duster and led her out to the warm-up ring where the others were already in their saddles and trotting the circles.  Jax held the horse still as Brenda lifted her left leg into the saddle and hoisted herself up onto the horse.

She smiled back down at him again.  "Thanks, Jax."

"Anytime, Brenda," he replied before he walked back into the barn to finish his work.

Brenda headed the horse toward the far end of the ring and started to warm her up.  Carly came up beside her and slowed her own horse, Angel, to meet her.  "What was that all about, Brenda?  Making a date with Jax?" she teased.

Brenda laughed.  "I don't think so, Carly.  We were just talking.  He helped me saddle my horse, that's all."

"Right," Carly said suggestively, smiling and laughing.  Then, she kicked her horse into a trot again and rode off.

Brenda continued to warm up her horse, thinking of Jax the whole time.  He was a curious character.  He could be so quiet in public and then when they were talking alone, he'd get so animated about some topics.  She remembered a time when they'd been talking about their futures.  Brenda had told him about her dream to someday run her own magazine.  Jax had finally opened up to her about his dreams, too.  He wanted to be a corporate businessman, a ruthless one, from what she could gather.  And he knew his stuff.  She could tell his schooling was paying off as he rattled off words and phrases she had to work to make into any sense. 

They had a kind of friendship that was difficult to describe.  It was almost a secret, but it wasn't.  The depth of the friendship was kept from everyone, but they didn't hide the fact that they talked.  It made Brenda's friends tremendously jealous of her.  They were constantly wondering what the two of them were talking about.  But it wasn't a big deal to either of them.  It was just an ordinary friendship, grown out of getting to know each other, bit by little bit.  There was still a lot to learn abut each other, they knew.

Brenda hoped that one day they would know everything about each other, but those were just her dreams.  Never in a million years did she think that Jax had any interest in her.  He even had a girlfriend, she knew.  It wasn't anything serious with him, but it still counted and she knew better than to hope for anything more that she got now.

But he was so good-looking, she thought.  His golden blond hair contrasted sharply with his sun-bronzed skin.  Hours spent outside caring for horses and doing repairs and other jobs had made his tan so deep it appeared almost unnatural at times.  His eyes were a strange mix, too.  A deep color of blue that was so often more than just blue.  In one second, when he was sad, his eyes could be gray, or in the next, when he was passionate, they would glitter with a green tint.  She had learned to tell his emotions and feelings with the colors of his eyes. 

"Brenda, are you ready?" Lois called to her suddenly, startling her from her thoughts.

Smiling, she nodded.  "Ready as I'll ever be," she called and kicked Duster into a trot to catch up to the others.  They went out into the pasture, heading for the west gate that lead to a series of wooded trails around the Cassidine ranch.  Alexis knew the trails inside out and backwards, so they knew exactly where they were headed.  Plus, Brenda and her friends had been riding them so often, they could probably navigate them on their own.

Two and a half hours later, the girls returned to the barn, having fully exhausted their horses.  They'd raced in a wide-open field.  Lois always seemed to win those races.  She was less cautious than the others and loved to feel the wind whip through her hair at top speeds.  Brenda tended not to participate, preferring instead to keep firm control over her horse and lead her around the outside edges. 

They dismounted in the outside ring and led their horses back into the barn on foot.  As they unsaddled and brushed down the horses, the others kept up a long string of chatter, but Brenda was quiet.  She was hoping Jax would come back and talk to her some more.  He didn't appear to help her again, but when she was trying to put the saddle back on the high shelf, he came to her rescue again, placing it high for her.

"My hero," she smiled, batting her lashes at him in a fake flirting action.

He laughed.  "No, you're just too short, I think," he teased.  "I don't know why you insist on using that saddle up there.  You always need help putting it up or getting it down."

"Then it's a good thing you're here to help me all the time, isn't it?  Besides, I like that saddle.  It's comfortable."

"No saddle is comfortable," Jax said, turning from her to hang up the bridle in his hands.

"Why, Jax, it almost sounds as if you don't enjoy horseback riding at all," she said, surprised.

"I didn't say all that.  I just said that saddles are uncomfortable.  It's much better to ride bareback, you know.  You can feel the strength of the horse beneath your legs, feel the control you have, that it has," he sounded passionate for a second, but then he straightened and was serious again.  "Have you ever ridden bareback, Brenda?"

She shook her head vehemently.  "No, I know how that is, though.  It's so hard to stay on, I don't think I would ever try it.  Knowing my luck with horses, you know."

"But it's easy.  If you have the right teacher," he said, smiling.

"Is that an offer?"

He just smiled at her.  He turned quickly when Robin entered the tack room to put away her saddle.  "Hey, Bren, we're going to go up to the house for a little while and then Lois wants to come back to my house so that we can work on our project for our class.  Do you want to come?"

Almost without hesitation, Brenda replied, "No, I think I'll go home when you go.  I have some homework to do, too and it's probably best to get it done and out of the way."

"Okay, well, are you going to come up to the house now?"

She shook her head.  "I don't think so, I think I'll leave from down here in a little while.  I still have to finish brushing my horse down."

Robin nodded and smiled, leaving the tack room and Brenda alone with Jax again.  He was cleaning one of the bits that had just been fixed to put it back on one of the horses' bridles.

"I know what you're doing, Brenda," Jax said, not turning to face her, but smiling.

"What?"

"You're done with your horse, aren’t you?"

"So what if I am?"

He put down the bit and faced her seriously.  "Then why are you staying?"

"Who says I'm staying?" she laughed.  At his look, she said, "I wanted to stay and talk to you, if that's okay.  We don't get to talk much anymore and I kind of miss it.  Is that alright?"

He grinned.  "Probably, if you don’t mind watching me do some work while we talk."

She'd watch him peel paint if she had to just to spend time with him.  "I like watching you work," she said, following him out of the tack room and into the barn.

They spent over an hour together while Jax worked on his various chores for the day.  They never talked about anything personal, but they talked about things that concerned them.  Brenda felt she could tell him anything and he wouldn't laugh at her if he knew she was serious.  There were so many things she found herself wanting to discuss with people that she couldn't discuss with Robin or Alexis, or even Lois sometimes.  She could talk about them with Jax.  He was a good listener and so was she, when he talked to her.  She noticed she always did most of the talking.

Brenda followed Jax back into his room at the back of the barn when he was finished.  He'd invited her back there before and she'd seen it many times.  She sat on the old, but neat couch in the corner of the room while he took a clean t-shirt from his dresser. 

"Do you ever think about having a family someday, Jax?" she asked suddenly.

Jax stopped in the middle of changing his shirt, his chest bared to her.  He turned around slowly at the mention of family.  "What brought that on?" he asked.

"I don't know.  I was just curious.  I mean, sometimes I daydream about what kind of family I'd like to have one day.  You know, like two kids, a white picket fenced housed, that kind of thing?  Do you ever think about that?"

He sat on his bed which was opposite her position on the couch.  He still held the black shirt in his hands without putting it on.  "I don't like to think about family much," he said softly. 

To her disappointment, he pulled the loose shirt over his head and let it rest around his waist.  The black set off his tan and made his hair shine even blonder than before.  Brenda looked at him inquisitively.  "Any particular reason?"  She wasn't prying, but if he was ever going to tell her, this might be the time.

"I don't know.  I guess just bad experiences make you not want to think about certain things."

"Bad experiences?" she repeated.  "I don't understand."

"No, you don't."  There was a finality in his voice that told her he wanted to change the subject.

She didn't.  "But I want to," she said softly.  "Jax, what is it about your family that you keep shutting out?  If there's one thing I don't know anything about with you, it's your family.  You never talk about them.  I don't even know where they live."

He was silent for a long time as he sat on the edge of the bed, looking straight into her eyes.  When he finally looked away, he sighed.  "Alaska," he said quietly.

"What?"

"I said, Alaska.  They live in Alaska."

"Then why do you live here?"  She didn't know how much to ask him, but now her mind was swimming with questions.

"Because it was about as far away as I could get from them without leaving the country."

"I don't understand," Brenda said again.  "Families aren't supposed to be like that, Jax.  You're supposed to be with each other, love each other, want to see each other."  That was how hers was.  There was a bond that they shared in her family that no one could ever break.  She didn't understand how it was that someone would not want to see their parents.

Jax pushed himself off the bed in a swift movement.  He began to pace the room.  Running his hands through his hair, he sighed again.  "It's not always like that, Brenda."  It was all he would say to her.  He closed up again after that.

Brenda sat watching him pace for several long minutes before she said something.  "Why won't you talk to me?  I mean, I tell you a lot of things, Jax.  I trust you with a lot of information.  Why won't you do the same?  What is it that you are trying so desperately to keep from everyone?"  She got up off the couch and stood in front of him, forcing him to stop pacing the length of the room.

He looked down into her deep brown eyes and was at a loss for words.  He didn't know if he could tell her, trust her.  It was something no one knew and he didn't want anyone to know.  Maybe he liked the mystery of no one knowing his past.  Maybe it was that they would feel sorry for him if they knew his past.  He didn't want to see pity or sympathy in anyone's eyes, not for him, and least of all not from Brenda. 

He placed his hands on top of her shoulders gently.  She was about a foot shorter than him, he noticed.  Her long brown hair brushed the tips of his fingers when he touched her.  He reached up and took the ponytail holder from her hair, allowing it to flow freely down her back.  She was beautiful, he had to give her that.

Before he could explain what he was doing, Jax found himself leaning toward Brenda.  Their eyes closed at the same moment, just a second before their lips met in a tentative kiss.  Brenda was not inexperienced in kissing, but as soon as she felt his lips on hers, she knew it would be different from all others she had known.  His lips were soft and pressed hard against hers as soon as he felt her respond to his advances.

His fingers threaded into her hair, resting at the back of her neck to hold her even closer to him.  His arm dropped to pull her body closer into his.  Her arms went around his neck as her fingers ran gently into his hair.  Without even asking, Brenda opened her mouth slightly against his and slipped her tongue to trace his lower lip.  He gasped at her forwardness, but didn't pull away.  Instead, he deepened the kiss in return, tangling his tongue with hers.

Minutes seemed to pass in seconds before Jax realized he was letting it go too far.  He broke the kiss abruptly, but gently.  He looked down into Brenda's still wild eyes with an apologetic look in his own eyes.  "I'm sorry, Brenda.  I shouldn't have done that."

"You didn't do anything I didn't want you to do, Jax."  She was breathless from the kiss and more than a little happy about it.  But she was also more than a little confused about it.

"It shouldn't have happened," he repeated, stepping back from her several steps. 

"It's okay, really," she said.  Did he want to talk about it?  Where it had come from?  Or was it best just to leave things alone and make a graceful exit?  She decided on the latter.  "Actually, I should be going.  It's getting late and my parents will be wondering where I am.  They probably think I'm with Lois."  She moved to go to the door and leave the barn, but Jax stopped her when he grabbed her hand.

As soon as he realized what he'd done, he dropped her hand, but he held her with his gaze.  "Brenda, we're okay, aren't we?" he asked, unsure what to say.

She nodded and smiled.  "Yeah, Jax, we're okay."  With that, she left his room and the barn, heading for her car to go home.

Jax stood for a minute longer in his empty room and then, knowing full-well that he shouldn't, he caught up to Brenda.  He put his hand on her shoulder just as she was opening her car door.  "Come back tomorrow?" he asked softly.

"To do what?"

He smiled and a teasing glint appeared in his eyes.  "I'll teach you to ride bareback."

She hesitated, but knowing she'd get to see him for a few hours, by herself, she nodded.  "I'll be here," she replied softly, smiling at him.  She got into her car and closed the door.  As she drove away, she watched him walk back into the barn alone.

~~~~~~~~~~

Brenda was up early the next morning.  She was too excited at the prospect of seeing Jax to be able to sleep.  As the sun rose high in the sky, she dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a white tank top, covering it with a light yellow button-down shirt.  She pulled her hair back, put on her boots, and was ready to leave.  She left a quick note for her parents as to where she would be for most of the say, conveniently leaving out with whom.

She turned the car into the Cassidine driveway and pulled to a stop by the barn, in the same spot she had been in the previous day.  It was odd that the doors to the barn were closed.  She knew that if Jax were up, he'd be working already and that meant putting the horses in the pastures and beginning to clean the barn.  If the doors were closed, either he wasn't up or something was going on.

She opened the door to the barn cautiously, looking around inside.  It was dark, except for the light filtering in through the covered windows.  The horses nickered softly as she walked past their stalls towards Jax's room.  They were all in their stalls and accounted for and she began to wonder what was going on.  The door to Jax's bedroom was closed and she could tell that the light was off under the door.  She knocked softly and got no response.  Knocking louder, she still heard nothing.  Finally, she turned the doorknob to see if he was in the room and just asleep, unable to hear her.  The room was empty.

Literally, Brenda noticed.  The room was completely empty of all of Jax's possessions.  His belongings were gone from the dresser.  His shoes were off the floor.  The bed was stripped bare.  Everything was gone.  Jax, too, apparently, was gone.  Without a word of goodbye, Jasper Jacks had disappeared.

 

Chapter 2

 

Song excerpt: Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk and can be found on the Dawson’s Creek Soundtrack.

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