"Hanging On"

Chapter 9

A sharp movement woke Brenda. She sat up quickly and realized she must have fallen asleep on the bed with Jax. She remembered the movement and looked to see where it had come from. Jax was still asleep, but he seemed to be dreaming again. Periodically, his body would convulse, like he was jerking away from something. When his arm had moved beneath her head, Brenda had woken up.

As Brenda watched him, she tried to calm him by putting her hands on his chest and then moving one to his hair to smooth it back. She tried to wake him gently, but she couldn't. And as she sat there, he calmed down. He stopped moving and began to breath evenly again. Whatever he had been dreaming about was over now.

Brenda got up slowly so that he wouldn't wake up. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost dinnertime. Going into the living room, she picked up the phone and dialed room service. She ordered dinner and then returned to the bedroom. She wanted to wake Jax by the time the food came. She figured if she didn't wake him and keep him awake until bedtime, he wouldn't sleep when it was.

She kneeled next to the bed and gently touched his face. After the dream he'd been having, she didn't want to wake him too harshly. "Jax…" she repeated his name several times while she gently shook his shoulder.

He moved his head on the pillow in response. "Hmmm…no," he whispered. Then his eyes opened and he reached out with his right hand. He felt her arm and said, "Brenda?"

She leaned over and gave him a kiss, telling him it was, in fact, her. "Were you dreaming?"

"What? No, I don't think so. Not this time. What time is it?"

"Almost time for dinner to get here."

"Good. Can you do me a favor?" He started to sit up against the headboard.

"Yes, as long as you don't move."

"Well…that's going to be hard. That was kind of the favor I was going to ask." He smiled and laughed a little bit.

"Oh," Brenda laughed with him. "In that case, I suppose it would be okay." She helped him swing his legs over the side of the bed and handed him his crutches.

As she stood, he asked her another favor, "Can you wait there? I want to see if I can do this on my own."

"Jax…"

"Brenda, please? Let me do this. I need to see how capable I really am right now." The look on his face told her he was completely serious.

She sighed, "All right, but you understand I will come running as soon as I hear anything that isn't normal."

"Yes, dear." He threw her a smile and she sat down on the part of the bed that was the absolute closest to the bathroom door. He cautiously made his way to the doorway and she about jumped to him when he hit the door jam on the way in. "I'm fine, Brenda." He sensed she was about to get up. He pushed the door closed, but it didn't close all the way, for which Brenda was thankful.

A few minutes went by and Brenda wondered what was taking him so long. She heard the water turn on just then. "Jax, what are you doing?" she called through the doorway.

She heard a muffled response which got clear when she heard him spit something out. He was just brushing his teeth. He opened the door finally and stopped in the doorway. "Was that suitable enough for you?" His tone was sarcastic as he began to make his way to the bed again. He sat down on the edge and turned to sit against the headboard. He was breathing hard.

"Don't get smart with me, Jax." Noticing how hard he was breathing, she looked at him worriedly. "Did you hurt yourself?"

Not really, but if you keep asking me that, I may, he thought. When he spoke his voice was exasperated, "No more than I already was. Brenda, would you quit asking me that, please? I am fine, at least as fine as I'm going to be." In reality, he felt like his ribs were never going to heal and he had a headache the size of Pennsylvania. But he didn't want to admit that to her. She would just worry more and make him stay in the same place he already was.

They heard a knock at the front door. Thank God, they both thought simultaneously. Jax heaved a sigh of relief when he heard her leave the room. Minutes later she was back with their food on a tray. Not even bothering to ask what she'd ordered, Jax started to eat. He hadn't realized how hungry he was.

When they were finished, Brenda gathered the plates and took them back to the room service cart. She returned and sat on the bed. Jax had relented somewhat and reached a hand to her. He pulled her back onto the bed with him and when she was nestled into his arm, sitting against the headboard, he said, "Now what?"

She was surprised at the question. "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

"Well, the television is kind of out, right?" He smiled at the thought of having her tell him everything that was happening on the screen. "So we can do something else."

"Such as?"

His hand reached for the bedside table where he knew the remote control was and turned on the stereo system. Soft music began to play in the background. Brenda smiled and settled deep into his arms. She turned her head up to him and asked, "So now what?"

"I don't know, I got that far. Now it's your turn."

She grinned in response. "I have an idea." She got up and ran out of the room.

Nice, Brenda, you're idea is to leave me now, he thought. Moments later he felt her jump back on the bed. He had to say something about her excitement. "Brenda, whatever it is, that's fine." His arm snaked across his chest and he winced. "But must you jump on the bed like that?"

Her hand flew to her mouth. "Oh my God, Jax, I'm so sorry. I totally forgot for a minute. Did I hurt you?" Her voice cracked.

Jax thought she sounded like she was going to cry. He took a few deep breaths. "No, it's all right."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I know you didn't mean it." He reached his hand to her again and she slowly climbed back into her place. "So what'd you go get?"

"A notebook. You and I are going to begin planning a wedding."

"Really? Now why didn't I think of that?"

In a serious voice, she turned to him. "Jax, I want to get married right away. I don't want to chance losing you again."

"Well, I don't know about right away. How about we wait until I at least get this cast off?"

"That's what I meant. So, six weeks from now?" He was silent and didn't answer her. "What is it, Jax? Is something wrong with that?"

"Brenda, there is something else."

"What is it? Anything." He was beginning to worry her.

"I don't want us to get married while I can't see what you look like."

"Oh, Jax-"

"No, let me finish. We don't know how long it's going to be until I can see again. They said it could be anywhere from days to weeks to months, even. I want to be able to see my beautiful bride as she walks down the aisle. And I want to be able to see everyone's reactions to seeing the most beautiful woman in the world. I want to see your face when you say your vows to me and when I say mine. I won't do it unless I can."

"Jax, I have every confidence that you will be able to see by then, whenever then is. But I want you to know that I'll marry you even if you can't see for the rest of your life. I know that's not going to happen, but it's true."

"I won't let that happen. We are not getting married until I can see."

She could see he was going to remain stubborn on this fact. "All right, so we'll hold off on setting the date. But we can set everything else, right?"

He relaxed visibly and smiled slightly. She was certainly persistent. "Yes, I suppose we can."

They set about talking about who to invite, the colors to use, where it would be, inside or out, who would be in the wedding with them, and everything else that they could think of. All talk of a date had been put on hold. And Brenda was surprised when she brought up the honeymoon. He became adamant about not discussing it.

"Come on, Jax, I want to start getting everything planned."

"No, Brenda. I am not discussing the honeymoon with you. It is going to be a surprise and you are not going to know a thing about it until we get there."

"Jax! You expect me to wait more than six weeks to find out this big of a surprise." She was astonished at the thought.

He smiled grandly. "Yes, my dear, that is exactly what I'm asking. And you will, too. I am not saying another word about it. At least, not to you."

She pouted for a minute and then looked at the clock. She was shocked to see it was almost midnight. They had been planning for almost four hours.

"I think it's time for bed."

"Already?"

"You know, you did sleep most of the afternoon away today."

Jax decided to remain dressed, or rather, undressed, the way he was and Brenda went to change. "Do you think you'll be okay if I slept in the bed tonight, or will I hurt you?"

"You'd hurt me if you weren't in the bed." Brenda smiled and lay down next to him. When he felt how far away she was, he pulled her to him and kissed her. "You could never hurt me, Brenda." She put her head on his chest and they both soon fell asleep.

Brenda awoke the next morning to find Jax's side of the bed empty. She sat up quickly. "Jax? Jax? Where are you?"

"I'm right here." His voice came from the bathroom and sounded quite annoyed. When he opened the door, he said, "You know, that's why I did this last night. I didn't want to have to wake you when I needed to get up."

She was immediately sorry she had worried. "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't think about that." He made his way back over to the bed and sat down.

He looked at her with a small pout on his face. "Do I really have to stay in here all day today?"

Brenda almost burst out laughing at his whining. "You do unless you want to kill yourself on the stairs again. I really do think you should stay up here one more day. I don't think it's a good idea for you to work that hard to move around. Besides, Joe wanted you to stay put for a few days and actually give your ribs a chance to heal."

Jax sighed and nodded his head. "I suppose I can handle that."

"I should think so. Just think, the more you stay there, the sooner you can move other places."

"I can move to other places now, you know." He swung around to lay on the bed. "It's just a matter of getting there."

"You mean without passing out from the pain." His face told her she was right. "I do have an idea, though."

"What?"

"Do you feel up to any visitors?"

"Depends on who you mean."

"Your parents are downstairs and they wanted to see you yesterday. I told them it probably wasn't a good idea until you got settled back here."

"And it's probably still not a good idea. I don't want to offend either of them, and I'm really not in the mood right now."

"Then, who do you want to see? Anyone?"

"I'd like to see you, Brenda, but I can't do that very well now, can I?" He was being sarcastic and she knew he didn't mean it, but her face fell anyway.

She sat on the edge of the bed and put her hand to his face. "I know you do, sweetie." She leaned in to give him a kiss. "Is there anyone you want to come visit today?"

"I don't really think there is, Brenda. I don't want to hear the pity in their voices and not be able to see their faces. I don't think I can handle that yet."

"All right, I understand. What do you want to do, then?"

"I don't know." He sighed. "There's not too much I can do, is there? Just put in a CD and go do whatever. I'll be fine here."

"I'm not leaving you alone."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Brenda, please, why can't you see that I am so not in the mood for this right now? Just put a CD in the stereo, close the door, and go do some work. Please?" His tone quickly told her that if she didn't do as he was asking, he was going to get angry very soon, if he wasn't already.

"OK, OK, I'm leaving." She picked up some clothes and went into the bathroom to shower and change. When she came back out, she put in one of his favorite CDs and left the room. Maybe it was best to leave him alone for awhile. He hadn't really had any time completely to himself since he'd woken up in the hospital. So, she would give him what he wanted.

As she entered the living room, there was a knock on the door. She quickly found out it would be the first of several that day. People had heard Jax was home now and they were beginning to send flowers to him. Why is it that people always think flowers are going to help someone get better? she wondered. By mid-morning, the room was covered in flower arrangements. Brenda picked up the phone and called Lois. She needed someone to talk to, if she was supposed to leave Jax alone.

Jax lay in the bedroom by himself. He knew as soon as he'd told Brenda to leave he'd regret it. Now he was bored and lonely. But he didn't want to tell her and get her sympathy again. Besides, he was kind of enjoying the quiet time. He didn't want to sleep, so he lay for a long time just listening to the music play. He closed his eyes, though it didn't matter too much, and listened to every part of the music. It was an instrumental CD, so he would pick an instrument and try to follow its lines through the entire piece. He was finding it did occupy time to do it, and even made listening to the CD a second time all the more interesting.

Two hours later, that was how Brenda found him. His eyes closed and intently listening to the music. She thought he was asleep so she closed the door again. As it clicked shut, she heard his voice.

"I thought you were asleep."

"I'm not. I'm just listening to the music."

She entered the room and went to the bed. "Do you need anything?" She was afraid to ask him too much, for fear that he wold get upset again.

"Yeah, there is one thing."

"What's that? I'll get it for you."

"I already have it." He smiled at her. "I just need it to be closer to me." He pulled her to him and kissed her. The kiss continued for several minutes. When they broke apart, he breathed, "I'm sorry, Brenda."

"Sorry for what?"

"For getting upset at you. It wasn't really your fault. I just don't know exactly how to handle this yet."

"I understand and it's ok."

"You say that a lot, but I'm afraid sometimes it's not."

"Not what? Not ok?" He nodded in response. "Jax, of course it's ok. How can it not be? I know it's not really you talking when you say those things."

"Thank you for understanding then."

"Don't do that, Jax,"

"Do what?"

"Don't thank me every time I do something like that. It's why I'm here. I'm taking care of you for once. You have always taken care of me. Now it's my turn."

"Brenda, people don't take care of me. That's the problem. I don't need taken care of."

"Well, guess what? You do now. And you're stuck with me. Besides, think about it, where would you be without me right now? Still lying on the floor next to the couch after you fell yesterday, right?" He smiled at the thought.

"Ok, I give up. You can take care of me."

She went around the side of the bed and sat down next to him. She leaned over and kissed him passionately. "Good, cause I plan on taking care of you for the rest of my life, Jasper Jacks." She kissed him again and it took all of her restrain not to attempt anything further with him.