"Hanging On"

Chapter 8

Brenda ordered enough food for the both of them, so that when Jax woke up there would be something for him to eat. It came half an hour later and he was still asleep. Brenda sat at the table and ate her food, leaving the covers on everything else. She sat and watched him sleep, thanking the higher powers that he was still with her. She knew how easily could have lost him, and now she was grateful for every minute with him. She vowed never to take advantage of the fact that he was there ever again.

As she watched him sleep, she saw his head move on the pillow. Thinking he was awake, she went over to him and kneeled by the couch. She quickly realized he wasn't awake just yet. He was dreaming and it wasn't a very pleasant one, either. His head shook from side to side and a moan escaped his lips. Brenda put a hand on his shoulder and tried to quite him, but to no avail.

He was dreaming again. He kept seeing the car accident. He would hear himself yell her name and then he would see the car hit the tree again and again. He couldn't stop seeing it in his head. He was conscious of the fact that he was dreaming, but he couldn't wake himself up. He shook his head, but nothing would happen. It kept coming. He saw it again and in more vivid light than he had ever before. He felt as if he were living it all over again. He felt the car hit the tree and sat up straight.

He shocked Brenda when he sat up. She had been kneeling on the floor and he moved faster than she had thought he ever could. He was sitting up, looking around the room wildly for her. His face was contorted in the obvious pain, but he needed to see her. He felt a hand on his shoulder and heard a soft voice tell him it was okay. He turned his head sharply and finally understood it was her. When he turned, Brenda saw the impact his dream had had on him. His eyes were wild and there were tears running down his face.

He finally registered that he was feeling her and she was real. He relaxed for a minute and then his face constricted again. Brenda got up and sat on the couch where his head had been. He lay back down, his eyes closed tight against the pain. It had returned now that he let himself feel it. His head was in her lap and she stroked his hair softly. She was whispering something the whole time. He was breathing hard and the pain continued to shoot through his ribs and his head.

When his breathing finally slowed, he understood what she was telling him. The whole time she'd been saying, "It's ok. I'm right here. You're all right. I love you."

He turned his head into her leg and said something. He had to repeat it so she could hear him. "I hate this, Brenda. I can't stop seeing it over and over again. It keeps playing through my head and I can't get it out."

"Is that what you were dreaming about?" He nodded slightly into her leg. "It's ok, Jax. But it's over now and you're ok."

"I know, but this time it was different. This time I felt the pain of losing you."

A single tear rolled down her cheek. "But you didn't lose me, I'm right here. You're here and I'm here." She bent down and placed a kiss on his forehead.

"But it's the thought of losing that. Do you realize how close I came to losing you, Brenda?"

"I think I should be asking that. You're the one who was in the car. I almost lost you."

"But don't you see? When one of us loses the other, we both lose. I can't go through that. I won't lose you."

"I was thinking almost the same thing just before you woke up. This whole thing has made me realize how easily I could have lost you. I don't even want to think about it, let alone go through it."

"I need you to know something, Brenda. I love you. I love you so much. If I ever lost you or what we have together, I don't know what I'd do."

"Oh, Jax, you know I feel the same way. Right now, you are the reason for my being. I love you, too."

"Good." He closed his eyes and they stayed like that for a few more minutes.

"Brenda?" His voice was soft.

"Yes?"

"Is there any food left?" He grinned up at her.

She laughed and lifted his head off her lap. He groaned at the pain, but smiled anyway. She brought the tray over to the couch and lifted the covers. She hadn't ordered anything for him that would get cold since she knew he was asleep.

As he ate, Brenda made a few phone calls to the people who'd left messages. She called Addie and told her Jax would not be doing any work for several weeks and that they would call her when he was up to it again. Then she made a phone call from the other room. She didn't want Jax to hear her. It was to be a surprise for him and she didn't want him asking questions.

When she returned, he was finished eating. She had expected him to still be lying down, but he wasn't. He was reaching for his crutches, which she had placed nearby. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Do I really have to answer that? I think you might be able to figure it out." She laughed at his avoidance of telling her.

"Do you need any help?"

"Not yet, but I might." He raised his eyebrows in her direction.

"Well, I'm following you anyway. Remember, there are steps before you get there and I don't want you to fall. And when you're through, I don't want you coming back out here."

"Why not?"

"Because then you are getting right into bed again."

He gave her an Oh-Mom look and pushed himself off the couch. She stood waiting at his elbow. He swung himself carefully around the furniture and stopped when he felt one of the crutches hit the steps. Brenda touched his elbow. "Ready?" He nodded and took a deep breath. They had long ago decided it was best just to use the leverage of one foot to get up the steps. He handed the crutches to Brenda and waited for her to step back down the stairs after putting them at the top. She put her hand on his arm and he put his hand on the railing. He jumped to the first step and almost lost his balance. Not giving in, he jumped the last two.

At the top of the stairs, he looked in the direction of Brenda and said, "That chair still there?"

"Yes, why?"

"Cause I'm about to make use of it." He took the one step to it and sat down. He placed an arm under his ribs and bent down slowly. He didn't stop until his head was almost touching his left knee. He was breathing hard and his face grimaced.

"Jax, are you okay?" Brenda knelt down in front of him and put her hand on his head, running her fingers through his hair.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, keeping his head still. His head bobbed slowly. "Yeah, I'm okay. Do you have any idea what that can do to a man?"

Brenda smiled sadly. "I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have let you do it if I'd known you'd be in so much pain."

"No, I'm the one who had somewhere to go. It's not like you could stop me." He took another deep breath and straightened up. His face had relaxed considerably.

"Are you ready to try that some more?" He nodded and pushed himself up. He swung towards the bathroom with Brenda close on his side. Finally reaching his destination, Brenda left him alone until the door opened again. He had four steps to make it to the bed. He sat down on the edge of the bed and Brenda took the crutches from him. She placed them directly next to the headboard on his side of the bed. He lay back slowly and put his head on the pillow. He closed his eyes and Brenda took some extra pillows and put them under his cast again.

"Do you want anything else?"

"A new body. I don't suppose you have one of those lying around, do you? Other than that, a glass of water would be fine."

She got him a glass and set it on the bedside table. His eyes were closed again and he seemed to be sleeping. I guess I didn't realize all of this could take so much out of him, she thought. But she supposed if she were in that much pain sitting still, she'd hurt more when she moved, too. Well, he wouldn't be moving again today, she was going to make sure of that. She left the room, turning the light off as she went out.

An hour later, Brenda heard a sharp expletive come from the direction of the bedroom. Following it was the sound of glass shattering. She ran to the bedroom to see what had happened. As she opened the door, she quickly found out.

Jax had reached to put his glass of water on the table again when he'd apparently dropped it on himself. In his anger, he'd thrown it across the room, at the far wall and it broke. Brenda had to step over the shards of glass as she went into the room.

"Jax! Are you all right?"

"Stop asking me that, Brenda!" His tone was angry as he pulled at his shirt. "I'm not all right. I won't be all right."

"Tell me why you're so upset, Jax."

"Why am I upset? Why do you think? Could it be because I can't see, and I can't move? That might be a strong possibility! And because of those two things, I am now soaked."

"Well, don't yell at me about it." She crossed the room to the bed and stood beside it. "What happened to the person I was talking to before? Where'd he go?"

"He left, right about the time I got soaked." He pulled at his shirt some more, trying to give Brenda the clue he wanted to take it off. He wasn't able to lift his arms the way he needed to, so he needed help.

"I know what you're trying to do, Jax, and I won't help you until you apologize."

"Apologize? For what?" All he wanted was out of this damn shirt.

"For yelling at me for something so asinine as this. And for throwing that glass that I now have to clean up."

"All right, I'm sorry." But he didn't sound it. He only sounded frustrated. He gave up on the shirt and lay back against the pillows.

Brenda had to take what she got. She knew he'd apologize eventually, as soon as he thought about the ridiculous manner in which he was acting. "Fine, Jax, sit up." He did as she said and she pulled at the bottom of his shirt. She pulled his arms through it and up and over his head. She couldn't help but enjoy the view she was getting. Her eyes trailed down to his ribcage and saw why he'd been in so much pain before. She hadn't seen his bare chest since the accident. His entire chest was covered with bruises, some more vibrant than others. She could see where it appeared the steering wheel had hit him, marked by an arched black bruise. She could see the outline of each rib in a bruise.

Jax heard her involuntary gasp. "That bad, huh?" He knew what she was seeing, he just didn't know how bad it looked.

"Oh, Jax, I had no idea. I didn't realize you were in so much pain as this." For the way he looked he was showing incredible tolerance. He had to have been feeling more pain than he'd been willing to admit. And when she thought back to the times when he'd admitted it, she realized he was in so much more pain than she'd thought.

With the shirt removed, he lay back down. She went to get a dustpan and broom for the glass. As she began to sweep it up, she heard Jax sigh.

"Brenda, I am sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"It's all right, Jax. I understand." She understood a lot more now that she'd seen the full extent of some of his injuries. She finished sweeping up the broken glass and threw it away. She returned to the bed to find Jax still awake.

He reached for her hand and she went around the side of the bed and sat down on the other side. She scooted to sit next to him. He reached his hand up to her face and brought it down to his. He kissed her when she was close enough. She stretched her legs out under her and lay next to him. She suspended herself over him so she wasn't laying on him in any way. Since they were unable to do much more than this, they played a dangerous game with each other's mouth. Brenda finally broke the kiss, leaving both of them breathless. She settled into the crook of his arm, the only part of him that wasn't bruised. She laid her head on his shoulder and he ran his hand through her hair. Periodically, they would repeat their kiss, each time seemingly more passionate than before. They lay like that for almost two hours. Jax finally fell asleep again and Brenda stayed, listening to his heartbeat beneath her ear.