"Hanging On"

Chapter 6

Brenda awoke to the muted sounds of people talking in the outside room. She glanced at her watch and discovered she'd slept the entire night in Jax's arms. And the staff had actually let her. Her body was stiff from being in the same position all night and she carefully extricated herself from Jax's arms. She moved slowly so as not to put any pressure on his injuries. He appeared to still be sleeping peacefully once she got up. She stretched her arms over her head and went out into the other room.

She found John and Jane explaining to Ned and Lois what had happened the day before after they'd left. They both looked shocked at the news that Jax couldn't see. Brenda joined them and Ned put his arm around her. They discussed other matters, like when Jax would be released until Brenda decided to check on him and make sure he was still asleep.

She walked back in the room to find him thrashing about on the bed. He appeared to be having a nightmare.

He was dreaming and it was all so vivid. He saw that night again and in slow motion. He felt the car begin to slide on the ice and he felt the panic again as he tried valiantly to control it. It was no use and he saw the car go over the edge of the hill. He saw each tree branch as it snapped across the windshield and he saw the big tree at the bottom that there was no getting around. He was going to hit it. He squeezed his eyes shut, preparing for the impact. "BRENDA!"

He yelled it again and sat up on the bed. That was a mistake, he quickly found out.

Brenda watched as he bolted up in the bed. And she watched as he quickly lay back down, in serious pain.

He sat up so quickly that he'd forgotten about his injuries. His ribs tore apart with the effort and the pain in his head made him nauseous in an instant. He lay back down on the pillow, breathing hard and squeezing his eyes tightly. His heart was beating so rapidly and he tried to take slow, deep breaths to slow it. Each breath hurt so much after the extra strain he'd just put on his ribs. He tried not to move at all, waiting for the nausea to pass, as well.

Finally, his breathing slowed and he took a few ragged breaths and let them out. Brenda had watched the whole thing and was now shaking at the sight. John put his hands on her shoulders and tried to steady her. They'd all run into the room when they heard him shout.

Jax remained still on the bed, taking deep breaths. His hands unclenched, as the pain seemed to pass for a moment. "Brenda?" His voice was barely a whisper as he called for her. He soon found out that speaking caused pain, too. His hand clenched again and his face grimaced.

His voice had broken her from her reverie. "I'm here, Jax," she said in a normal voice that shook slightly as she spoke. She walked over to the bed and took his hand in hers.

"Good. Just, please, don't yell." His voice was still whispering and his face grimaced as the volume of her voice had apparently elevated the pain again.

Brenda smiled slightly and whispered, "All right, I won't. How are you feeling?"

"Like I just hit a tree with my head." He smiled slightly to let her know he was joking. "I think I was fine until I sat up."

"You looked like you were dreaming about something. Do you remember what it was?"

He thought for second and it all came back to him. "Yeah, I was dreaming about the accident. I saw it all happen again. And you know what? They're right. Your life really does pass before your eyes just before you die."

"But you didn't die, honey. You're right here, and you're going to be just fine."

"I'd say that, too." Everyone in the room turned toward the voice and saw Joe walking in. Everyone except Jax, that is. He was busy easing the pain, yet again. Ned and Lois discreetly walked out of the room to let Joe speak to the family in private.

Brenda looked at Joe and put a finger to her lips to indicate that he should lower his voice. Joe took the clue and began to speak much softer. "You're tests are coming back normal. I don't see why we can't release you in a few days. But before then, we want to give you some lessons in how to cope with your situation."

"Lessons? On how to do what?" Jax's voice had returned to normal level by now and he was frowning.

"Since you're temporarily unable to see-"

"Blind, you mean." Jane gasped at Jax's blunt comment.

"Well, yes. We're going to teach you how to do the normal, everyday things, but to do them without sight. Someone will be here shortly to move you to a private room, off the ICU floor. Then, an aid will come and help you get started with the lessons."

Brenda watched Jax's reaction closely. She knew he didn't want this help. He figured he could get along fine on his own. "Jax, it is a good idea, you know. I certainly won't know how to help you do things now. Maybe it's best to let someone who's trained to teach it teach us." She turned to Joe and asked, "I'm assuming I need to be in on these lessons, right?"

"Yes, it would be a good idea. Since you're going to be the person who is with Jax the most, you'll need to know how to help him if you do."

"Then it's settled." Brenda looked back at Jax, and although he didn't appear happy about it, he wasn't objecting. At least, not out loud.

An orderly entered just then and told them he was to take Mr. Jacks to a room on the fifth floor. Everyone got out of his way as he began to get Jax ready. Joe smiled quickly at Brenda and took his leave.

Ten minutes later, Jax was settled in a room overlooking the river. To Brenda, it looked like paradise compared to the ICU room. The room had a large window on the far side and three chairs in it. All of them looked more comfortable than the hard, plastic one she'd gotten so used to. The bed was slightly wider and had a few more controls around it. There was a TV mounted on the wall in the corner. And the bathroom door was under it.

Lois and Ned had stopped Brenda quickly on the way to the room and told her they would be leaving and that they would be back that night. They didn't even know if Jax knew they'd been there yet. It didn't matter, Brenda did.

A few minutes later, a woman walked through the door. She looked bright and perky, and immediately annoyed Brenda. She was way too happy. She smiled broadly and held out her hand to Brenda, "You must be Brenda Barrett. I'm Jody Worthington. I'm going to show you the ropes."

Jax spoke up then. "That's great, Ms. Worthington, but I'm the one you should be introducing yourself to," he said sourly. He didn't seem all that pleased at her already. Brenda brought her hand up to her mouth to stifle the giggle that was threatening to escape. She and Jax thought so much alike that it was scary sometimes.

"Oh, Mr. Jacks, I was just introducing myself to your lovely fiancé."

Oh, man, she thinks flattery is going to work. She's in for a big surprise, Brenda thought as she watched Jax's mouth set in a hard line.

"I'm the one whom everyone thinks needs the help. I'm the one you should be introducing yourself to."

OK, time to jump in here, Brenda realized. "Sweetheart, she's only doing her job. Relax a little, please?" Jax threw a look in the direction of her voice that she knew he would be apologizing for later if she had anything to say about it. Just because he wasn't happy about it didn't mean he couldn't at least try to get along with her.

The rest of the two hours that Jody was there passed in much the same way. Jax was unreceptive to all of her friendly gestures, preferring to learn and not speak as much as possible. Brenda didn't come to like her anymore, but she was tolerating her for Jax's sake. She knew if someone didn't they were going to have a problem on their hands. Jody had learned quickly what to do that wouldn't upset Jax as quickly. She carefully directed every comment at him, throwing looks at Brenda to indicate when she should be included. They learned a lot, and quickly. But the real test would come when Jax was up and moving around. Right now he was learning the things to do that required sitting still. He wasn't attempting to move on his own yet and Jody knew that when he did, the crutches he would have to use would only make things all the more difficult.

When the session was done, Jody left quickly. Brenda turned to Jax and her eyes flashed at him. "Jasper Jacks, how dare you treat that woman like that! I don't care what kind of condition you're in. She was only here to help you."

"Oh come on, Brenda. You didn't like her anymore than I did."

"No, but at least I was tolerating her, which is more than I can say for you."

"I didn't like her. What did you expect me to do? Pretend?"

"No, but you could have attempted to talk to her in a civilized manner. And while we're talking about civilized manners, you have an apology to make, sir."

"For what?" Jax had to admit he did feel badly about his treatment of Jody, but now he was confused. Brenda was mad at him about something and he didn't have a clue what.

"For what? Do you not recall a certain look you gave me?"

"Oh, Brenda, you know I didn't mean that."

"I do, huh? How do I know that? Your mood certainly reflected otherwise."

"It was that woman, it wasn't you! I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to give you any look. Certainly not one that made you upset."

Brenda sighed. She knew she shouldn't be making Jax feel bad about anything right now, but she couldn't help herself. It was just a reaction she had. She sat down on the edge of his bed and stroked his cheek. "I know you didn't. I'm sorry I brought it up."

He pulled her down onto the bed with him. She turned so that she was in the crook of his arm with her head on his chest. She didn’t realize she'd put her head down so hard until she heard his sharp intake of breath. She lifted her head immediately. "I'm so sorry, Jax. Did I hurt you?" Her face was inches from his as she asked and she could see him fighting to keep the pain under control.

"No, I'm okay. It's all right." He breathed deeply once and let the breath out slowly. He reached for her head again and gently pushed it back down on his chest. She was more careful to keep from hurting him this time. It was only a matter of minutes before his breathing became deep and even. The events of the day had caught up with him, and it was only eleven o'clock. Brenda lay, listening to him breath.

Brenda was sitting in a chair by the window, reading a magazine, when Joe came in the room. Jax was still asleep. His lunch had been delivered, but she hadn't wanted to wake him to make him eat. Joe told her that another specialist would be coming in that afternoon to help Jax get started in moving around a little. After asking how she was doing, Joe left again.

Half an hour later, a man in jeans and a T-shirt came in the room carrying a pair of crutches. He saw that Jax was still sleeping and waved a quick hello to Brenda. He put the crutches down and Brenda followed him into the hallway. "I'm Andrew," he started. "I'm going to be teaching Mr. Jacks how to use the crutches to get around on his own."

Brenda introduced herself and shook his hand. She went back inside and saw Jax was just beginning to wake up. She went to the bed and put her hand on his. "Jax, wake up now. Someone's here to talk to you."

A few minutes went by and Jax was fully awake. Brenda introduced the two and she could see Jax had taken her suggestion from earlier seriously. He was being very civilized to Andrew. If Brenda hadn't known better, she would have thought Jax was trying hard not to like the guy. She had to smile at the thought.

Andrew talked to Jax about what they would be doing that afternoon. He wanted Jax to get used to using the crutches in a safe environment and then they would move to other places. He had Brenda push the chairs and any other obstacles out of the center of the room. There was a small clear space when she was done. Next, Andrew put Jax's bed in a fully upright position. He gave Jax a moment to adjust and then asked that he slowly sit straight up, without leaning on the bed. Jax's face grimaced as the pain went through his ribs. He wasn't used to it, so it hurt, a lot. Brenda could see that just the small effort of that had made him begin to breathe heavily. When he nodded, Andrew asked him to swing his legs over the side of the bed. The extra weight of the cast threw Jax off for a second and then he recovered his bearings.

After several minutes, Andrew finally had Jax ready to stand up. He asked Brenda to come to the other side of Jax and help him stand. He warned her that it would be painful and that Jax would probably try to sit back down, but she couldn't let him because he wasn't going to. She nodded and they got ready. Jax took several deep breaths and, using the leverage of his left leg, stood. His face contorted in pain as his ribs stretched apart for the first time. He was breathing raggedly and desperately wanted to sit back down until the pain had passed. But Andrew and Brenda wouldn't let him.

When Jax assured him he could stand for moment with Brenda, Andrew went to get the crutches. He placed them in front of Jax and let him reach for them. He told Jax to put them under his arms gently and not to put any weight down on them yet. Instructing him to use his arms and wrists to hold himself up, Andrew asked him to grip them tightly. He tried his first step and nearly passed out from the pain. His ribs felt like they were breaking all over again. Andrew was standing close by so that Jax would know he wasn't in danger of running into anything.

Brenda stood back and watched as Jax attempted everything Andrew told him to do. They went agonizingly slow. Jax was enduring so much pain for the ability to walk. Every once in awhile, when Andrew would ask, Jax would assure him he was okay. But Brenda could see the pain was quickly getting to him. After an hour and a half, and Jax had made it in three circles around the small space they'd cleared, Andrew finally said it was enough. They worked on getting him settled back into the bed and when they did, Brenda breathed a huge sigh of relief. Andrew left quietly after saying goodbye.

Brenda went to the bed to see Jax lying perfectly still. He looked like he was trying not to breathe. His chest was moving only a very small amount with each breath he took. "Jax? Are you okay?"

"I might be, someday. Right now, no."

"Are you in a lot of pain? Should I get someone?"

"No, I'll be okay. I think. If not, you can just shoot me now." His face was filled with pain, but the corner of his mouth lifted slightly in an effort at a smile.

Brenda pulled a chair over to the bed and sat down. She took his hand and held it tightly. It wasn't nearly as tight as he would grip hers as the pain continued. He'd worked his already sore body so much and now he was definitely paying for it. She tried not to think about it as she watched him. Eventually, his face relaxed and the pain seemed to leave him for awhile. His breathing was slow and deep again. He was, once again, asleep. Brenda remained at the bedside, holding his hand. She thought about the pain Jax had already been through, and the pain he would still have to endure as he continued his long road to recovery.