"Hanging On"

Chapter 13

Brenda stood stunned into silence. Jax repeated himself, "Brenda! Do you see it?" He was still gripping her hand.

With his other hand he took off his sunglasses and quickly closed his eyes. He hadn't been expecting that. It wasn't all that much, really. With his eyes closed, he was seeing the same thing as when they were open. There was a bright, glaring light coming through the darkness. And he couldn't explain still being able to see it. His glasses dropped to the concrete patio as he covered his eyes with his hand.

Brenda came to life again when she heard the glasses drop. She released his hand and he immediately moved it to his face with the other one. His face was contorted in several degrees of pain.

"Jax! Jax, tell me. What's wrong? What's happening?"

The pain behind his eyelids was so intense now. He couldn't close his eyes tight enough. He tried to block out any and all contact with the outside air by keeping his hands in front of his eyes tightly.

Brenda watched as he doubled over in pain. She tried to grab his shoulders and get him to sit up, but he resisted her every move. He was bent down as far as his ribs would let him and moaning in the pain he felt. Brenda didn't know what to do. Her own eyes began to well with tears as she watched him.

"Jax, you have to tell me what's wrong. Please?!" She put her hands on his while they covered his eyes. He didn't shake her off this time. Carefully, she tried to get him to release his grip. He relaxed, but seconds later was right back where they'd started. Nothing was helping.

A few more minutes passed and each time Jax thought he was going to be okay, and began to move his hands, the light would return and cause the pain again. He knew he was worrying Brenda, but the truth was, he was worrying himself. His breathing was ragged and he tried several times to speak, but each time the pain was too intense. Finally, he was able to say the few words he needed to, "Brenda, call someone, now!" He didn't know what was wrong, but he knew it couldn't be good.

Brenda immediately fled to the kitchen to get the phone. She dialed the emergency number and returned with the phone to Jax. She told the operator what was happening and requested that they send someone quickly. When they reassured an ambulance was on the way, she hung up the phone and sat by Jax again.

Time was interminable while they waited for the paramedics. In reality, only about ten minutes had gone by when Brenda heard the doorbell ring. She raced to answer it and led the two medics through the house to the back deck. Jax was still sitting in his chair, still bent over, and still covered his eyes. Quickly, Brenda explained the situation surrounding the day and Jax's blindness.

One of the medics asked Jax to remove his hands, and as he had the last time, he relaxed and as soon as the light hit him again, he replaced his hands, moaning in pain. The medics looked confused, but they didn't ask questions, instead, they helped Jax stand and move to the stretcher they had brought in. Brenda followed, stopping only long to retrieve his glasses, and they started on their way to the hospital. On the way, they radioed the entire situation ahead to the doctors and were assured they were ready for them.

They pulled into the emergency bay of the hospital and quickly unloaded Jax. They wheeled him into the hallway and were directed into a room that was just off the main entrance. Brenda entered and noticed there was a minimal amount of light in the room. No light shone over the place where they stopped Jax. The doctors began to try to examine him.

They were finally able to pry his hands from his face and Jax considerably relaxed when he didn't feel the light on his eyes anymore. He lay still on the stretcher while they continued their examinations. The doctor opened his left eye and he involuntarily flinched away. But he felt nothing when the eye was open. Then the doctor turned on a penlight. Even the small amount of light it produced made Jax strain against her fingers to close his eye again. His hands reacted and moved to his face again. One of the nurses restrained them and held them to the bed. Jax continued to resist by turning his head away from the light every time he could feel it.

Finally, the doctor gave up and motioned to Brenda to follow him into the hallway. He turned out the remaining lights in the room and told Jax where they would be. A nurse remained in the darkness by his bedside.

When they reached the light of the hallway, the doctor flipped open the chart and made his notations. He looked up at Brenda when he was done and gave her a grim smile. He was the same doctor who had examined Jax the day before to remove his stitches.

"Ms. Barrett, it appears Jax has regained a very little amount of sight to his eyes. Right now, all he sees is a bright light and the sensitivity of his eyes is making him react this way. He is not accustomed to seeing it this way or this bright. From what I can determine, he is seeing only that light, and nothing distinguishing in it."

Brenda nodded her head in response and asked, "So what do we do for him?"

"Well, as soon as he calms down, we will explain what is happening to him. The only way for him to get better is to force him to see in the light. Eventually, the sensitivity will lessen and he will begin to see."

"How do we force him to do that?"

"It won't be easy. We're going to keep him here a few days. We'll start him out in a room with no light in it and over the next couple of days we will gradually increase his exposure to a light source. He will be in considerable amounts of pain and he'll want us to stop doing it to him, but it is the only way we have."

Brenda took a moment to think about what the doctor was saying. "So, the reason he reacted this way was because he was exposed to so much light at one time?"

"Basically, yes. The sun is a much stronger source of light than any household light would have been. Originally, with his glasses, he saw a filtered version of the light, but he took them off. The next time he tried to open his eyes, he was shocked with the amount of light the sun actually does give off."

Brenda nodded. She made a motion towards the door and said, "Shall we tell him, then?"

The doctor pushed open the door and she followed him inside. Jax was lying on the bed with his eyes closed tightly. Brenda went to his side and took hold of his hand. She squeezed it and then bent over to give him a light kiss first.

The doctor told Jax everything he had told Brenda, including how they were going to help him remedy this. Jax said nothing the entire time. When the doctor had finished, Jax returned the squeeze to Brenda's hand and said, "Then, let's get started."

The doctor covered Jax's eyes for the transport with a cloth that didn't let any light in. They didn't want to start that soon on this.

Eventually, Jax was settled in a pitch black room. There was a light that the nurse turned on that shone only on the back wall. None of it reflected on to Jax's face. The doctor asked Jax for permission to bind his hands while they did this. Jax thought about it and Brenda gripped his hand. They didn't want him reaching to block out the light, that was understandable. He consented and Brenda signed the form to do it. The doctor said he would be back in half an hour to start.

When he left, Brenda pulled a chair over to the bed and sat down. In this black room, she was beginning to see what it was like for Jax in the past weeks. It was awful enough for a few minutes, let alone days on end. She could hear Jax breathing quietly.

"How do you feel?"

"Better now. It doesn't hurt like it did before."

"Good, because you scared me."

"Brenda, I scared me. I didn't know what else to do. The pain was too much. I couldn't do anything else, it was paralyzing."

"I know, that's what scared me. And there was nothing I could do for you. I didn't even move until you told me to get help. I couldn't help you."

"It's okay. I probably would have done the same thing. You did the right thing, Brenda. I'm okay. Look at it this way, in a few days, this will be a very good thing."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I can see again, Brenda. I'm not blind anymore! Because of all of this, I'll be able to see again."

"I hope you're right, sweetie."

"I know I am." He squeezed her hand one more time.

Just then the door opened and the doctor came back in. Jax had heard it and took a deep breath. He felt the restraints being wrapped around his wrists and knew they were about to start. He gripped Brenda's hand with a vengeance. He was scared. Petrified, actually, not of seeing, but of the pain. He knew it would be unbearable again. He took several slow, deep breaths to calm his nerves from anticipation.

The doctor moved behind Jax's head and flipped a switch on the wall. He asked Jax to open his eyes and look straight ahead, or up rather, at the ceiling. Jax did as he was told. The doctor slid another switch up on the wall, and a light began to fade in. Jax involuntarily closed his eyes. The light was very faint, but it still hurt. He forced his eyes open again.

The light intensified slightly and Jax began to breath rapidly to still the pain. He could see it, though! He saw the slight variation in the light. As the light grew gradually brighter, Jax gripped Brenda's hand harder and closed his eyes. He forced himself not to squeeze his eyes shut, though.

Silent tears coursed down Brenda's hand as she took in the whole thing. Jax was in so much pain. She had never seen him like this before. She continually watched his face. Every once in awhile, she would see his eyelids split open and then close again quickly.

After fifteen minutes, the doctor shut off the light. He untied Jax's hands and told them he'd be back in an hour. That was how this was going to go. They would be repeating the process over and over again for the next couple days.

Eventually, Jax began to calm down and the pain was almost gone. He kept his eyes closed the entire time. He didn't know if he could do this much longer, but he knew he had to. Anything was worth seeing again.

Over the next four hours, Brenda and Jax saw the doctor five times, every hour, on the hour. After the first three hours, the time was extended to twenty minutes. Brenda could already see the difference. Jax would make it through the first few stages of the light, but each time the doctor would go higher, he would be in pain again. It amazed Brenda just how little light was throwing him into this kind of pain. In the last session, the final stage had been no more than night light, but Jax was in tremendous pain for it.

When it became night, the doctor told them that they would be continuing this throughout, on the same schedule. They couldn't break the cycle. He would be in every hour, on the hour to wake Jax and do it again. Jax groaned at the thought, as did Brenda. She had every intention of staying right in the chair next to him for however long it was going to take. The doctor didn't object, he knew Brenda had a calming effect on Jax.

And so they continued. Eventually, Jax and Brenda would drift of to sleep after the doctor left, only to be woken up at the next hour. Every three hours, the doctor would extend the time by five minutes. And at every other session, he would add to the intensity at the end, making each final light be brighter than the last.

By morning, or at least, morning by the doctor's standards, Jax was able to stand a light equal to about the first stage of a three-way light bulb, or 30 watts.

The day dragged by and Jax was in more pain than ever each time the doctor came in. He was learning how to deal with the pain, though. He would grip Brenda's hand and take deep breaths. The doctor would keep the light at each stage until Jax opened his eyes to see it.

At the end of the day, Jax was progressing. It seemed like forever and very tedious, but each time he would make it all that further and know he accomplished something. He was able to keep his eyes open under the light for longer periods of time and eventually, he was up to normal lighting.

Brenda was exhausted watching him, but also extremely proud of his endurance. She had spoken to the doctor several times and he was very pleased with Jax's progress. He figured they'd be ready to be discharged in another day. She had made one trip back to the house to retrieve the car, some clothes, and few of Jax's things.

The next time the doctor came in, he had some new things to tell them. Since Jax had progressed so quickly and was able to open his eyes at normal levels, he was going to begin submitting him to constant light. They would start the next day, so that by evening, Jax might be at the top level.

Brenda took a walk around the halls of the floor Jax was on, first thing in the morning. She wanted to be there for him all day. He'd been in pain before, but it had only lasted so long. Now, it would be constant light and Jax wouldn't be able to escape it. Because of it, the doctor had let Jax sleep through the night. He wanted him to be awake all day.

Brenda returned to the room moments before the doctor came in. He said hello and then turned on the light. He started at the lowest level and in minute intervals, turned up the brightness. When Jax began to react, he left it at the level it was on. He would be turning it up every half hour from then.

After about ten minutes at the level it was on, Jax calmed down and opened his eyes. He kept them open for as long as he could until he had to close them again. He repeated the process until that night when he'd been able to keep his eyes open for over an hour with almost no pain.

The doctor decided there was one last test to put him through. He turned off the light in the room. When Jax's eyes had adjusted to the darkness, the doctor walked over to the overhead light switch in the room. Without giving any warning, he flicked it on. Jax gripped Brenda's hand tightly at first and less than five minutes later, released it to be normal. He had done it.

The doctor spoke first. "Well, I'd say that you have passed with flying colors, Mr. Jacks."

"Really? Does that mean I can go home now?"

"Most likely, we'll release you in the morning. Do you have any questions?"

"Just one, how long will it take for me to see normally again?"

"Right now, I know you only see the brightness of the lights. Over the next few days, the glare will dim and you will begin to make out shapes. Once that happens, it will only be a matter of time before you can see again."

Jax smiled for the first time in days. He turned his head toward Brenda. "Did you hear that?"

"Of course I did, honey. It's great news." She stood up and kissed him on the lips. Jax pulled her down onto the bed with him and the doctor left quietly.

Jax began to kiss Brenda passionately. He moved over slightly and let her lay next to him on the bed. "My God, Brenda. I'll be able to see again."

"You didn't think you would?"

"There was a time when I didn't know, let's put it that way. I was so scared I wouldn't. There is no way I would have let you deal with that."

"There's no way you could have stopped me." She stopped the conversation from going any further with a kiss.

He moaned as she pulled away. "You know, you can't keep doing that."

"What's that?"

"You can't start things we can't finish."

"Who says we can't finish them?"

"Umm, the cast on my leg might, for one. And something tells me I may not be completely up to that one just yet."

"Well, then, we'll just have to make up for lost time when you're all better, right?"

"You are absolutely right, my love." He kissed her again. Something occurred to him then. "Brenda, there's something else I have to tell you."

She looked up with interest. He sounded serious now. "What?"

"I think it's time we set that date."

"I thought you'd never ask." She smiled and they began their path to a place Brenda knew was dangerously close to one Jax wouldn't be able to reach, but she didn't care right then.

The next morning, Brenda helped Jax dress before the doctor came to see them. He walked in with a smile and handed Brenda the discharge papers to sign. She signed happily and a nurse came in shortly with a wheelchair. They wheeled Jax to the hallway just before they reached the outside doors. Brenda stopped momentarily and pulled Jax's glasses out of her purse. She slipped them on his face and gave him a kiss.

They continued around the corner to the doors where Brenda had the car parked close by. She could tell the bright sun had hit Jax, but he was trying to adjust. He kept his eyes closed until he felt the chair stop and the heard the car door open. He slid into the car and opened his eyes again. The sun was so much brighter than the indoor lights he had gotten used to. He was fortunate that Brenda had remembered his glasses because they were certainly cutting back on the glare.

Brenda took the most direct path to the house and pulled up outside. She opened the door for Jax and when he slid to the edge, he felt her hand him his crutches. He moved quickly inside and opened his eyes. He stood in the front hallway and heaved a sigh of relief. There was one thing being in the hospital had done for him. He no longer had any pain in his ribs when he moved. He was convinced they were healed now and they did feel normal again.

He followed Brenda to the living room and heard her close the blinds in the room. "Brenda, don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't close the blinds." He sat on the couch and put his crutches on the floor. He leaned back against the arm of the couch and out his legs up on the cushions.

"Why not?"

"I should get used to the light, shouldn't I? I think it's a better idea." He took his sunglasses off and put them on the table next to him. He immediately closed his eyes and put his head down on the pillows.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Brenda, I'm sure." He tried to open his eyes and quickly felt the slight pain return.

Brenda watched him silently. She didn't know what to do for him. And she definitely didn't want to argue with him.

He sensed she was still there and sighed. "Brenda, I'm fine, okay? Why don't you go down and take a walk on the beach? You haven't been outside for awhile."

"No, Jax, I'm not going to leave." Her tone made it clear she had every intention of staying.

"And what will you do while you're here? Watch me open and close my eyes. Gee, that sounds like fun," he said sarcastically. "Please, will you just go take a walk? I'll be fine, I promise. I have no plans of even moving from here right now."

"Jax, no. It's a simple as that. I am not leaving you."

"Brenda, what the hell would you do here?" He was getting frustrated and his voice reflected it.

"I'm going to make sure you're okay."

"I'm telling you I am. Now, I am not going to argue with you. Please, just go."

She could tell she wasn't going to win this one. She turned quickly and left the room.

Jax jumped slightly when he heard the sliding doors slam shut. He hadn't meant to do that. He wasn't trying to kick her out, he'd only wanted to deal with this in silence.

For the next hour, he opened and closed his eyes at regular intervals. He finally got to the point where he could stand the sunlight for long periods and he was satisfied.

He had just drifted off to sleep when Brenda slowly eased the doors open in the kitchen. She had taken a walk along the beach, like he'd said. She understood he was upset, but she didn't like what he had done. She walked into the living room and looked in on him. She called his name softly and when he didn't respond, she knew he was asleep. She supposed it was just as well.

Half an hour later, Jax woke. He opened his eyes and adjusted to the light in the room. He looked around, trying to see something. He didn't see anything, but continued to look.

Brenda watched him silently. She was sitting on the couch opposite him, reading. Since he hadn't said anything yet, she didn't say anything, either.

Jax could see when his vision passed the window. The light was considerably lighter at that point. When he looked at the other areas of the room, the light dimmed slightly. On his third pass around the room, he saw something. There was something darker against what he knew was the window. He stopped and looked directly at it.

Brenda's breath caught when she saw him stop and stare right at her. She continued to wait for him to say something. A smile came over his face suddenly.

The longer he'd looked, the more of a form the object took. He could see the general shape and he smiled. "Brenda…" he whispered.