JEZON@CALPOLY

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Version: .36 
Last Revise (10/27/01) 2:15pm PST

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Hello concerned American Citizen.  Due to increasing population, and growth in America, we are constantly seeking new and creative ways to expand our land and resources.  The obvious place that has both space and resources is the sea.  However there is one major hindrance before we can successfully expand into the sea.  Those terrors of the sea, which kill millions of pounds of life a day, that’s right whales.  I hope you join me and thousands of other Americans in the Nuke the Whales campaign.  Yes, just like the Indians in our forefather’s time, whales bar us from using the vast expanses of the frontier.  These barbaric creatures are wasting the potential of the ocean, and have been uncooperative in our attempts to relocate them to New Jersey (not that we don't blame them).  Therefore, in the interest of humanity, we must declare war on them, and strike at the heart of their empire with nukes.  We must do this if America has any hope of progressing forward in the future.  While whales exist we are under siege, we must do this for our children and our children’s children.  Therefore, we have a bill that will be brought forth to congress to make this whole thing better for all of mankind.  However due to harsh oppositions from fat-cat washington crybabies who would rather surrender to the whales than fight them, we need your signature in order for our campaign to continue.  We thank you for your support in signing this document, and will continue to fight for your safety and freedom from whales.

Whale Facts:
     Many people die (directly or indirectly) from whales
     Whales have a really small mass to brain ratio (so they won’t care if they die) 

Frequently Asked Questions: 

Q: Will whales go extinct if we Nuke them.
A: No, we will capture some and put them in museums allowing us to learn how to better defeat them, while giving them a good home, and giving our children something fun to watch. 

Q: Are we in danger of the whales retaliating?
A: Yes, all non-military boats will be escorted, all citizens are advised to stay off the beaches, these whales are ferocious when angry, and they do not die easily.  No one will be safe in or near the water until they are defeated.

Q: What can I do to help?
A:  You can start by buying products that use whale byproducts.  This will financially support our cause without a paper trail.  Such products are cosmetics, perfume, ETC. 

Q: Will nuking the whales be safe (for humans)?
A: Yes, all nukes are designed for underwater use only, they are designed to strike at the heart of the whale empire, and will not be used near friendly soil.  

Q: I am an environmental nut and oppose anything that is productive for mankind, should I oppose you?
A: No, while we pretend to help mankind we are really just going to waste resources, which is what you environmental nuts like.  Also with whales eliminated, lower life-forms such as plankton will be more abundant allowing many other creatures to thrive with the absence of the evil whales 

Please Sign Below:

Questions, comments: [email protected]
Please e-mail this list me after 100,000 signatures. 

Signatures:
Full Name, Location of where you are registered to vote.
Jason Messinger, San Luis Obispo Ca.

The File