AIM ON CONVERSING WITH MACHINES
(while conversing with people)

Friend: Hotsauce hotsauce whoa whoa whoa-o-o-o whoa whoa whoa whoa-o-o-o hotsauce hotSAUCE like WHOA.

Auto response from Friend: There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.

He did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat.

[On the French & British Beef]
The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.

What exactly is an evil giraffe?

Me: aren't you the strange one
Friend: .
Friend: No.
Friend: Not at all.
Me: I guess it's relative
Me: you're probably normal comparatively
Friend wants to directly connect.
Friend is now directly connected.
Me: what are you doing?
Friend: Nothing weird at all
Me: then why do you want to connect?
Friend: SmarterChild: Hello Friend!Let's chat!
Friend: Surely, then.
SmarterChild: Sure enough.
Friend: Alright, what is your age?
SmarterChild: I've been alive for 8 months, 10 days, 14 hours, 25 minutes and 26 seconds.
Friend: Wow, and you're fluent in English already? It takes most years to achieve that, and some, or many, even, ne'er do.
SmarterChild: Well how 'bout that!
Friend: Do you recognize this?
SmarterChild: What do you think?
Friend: "To be or not to be--that is the question!"
SmarterChild: To be or not to be that is the question? Why did you say that?
Friend: I'm asking you if you recognize which Shakespeare play that is.
SmarterChild: You what?
Friend: Sigh.
SmarterChild: What's wrong?
Friend: You are illiterate.
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
Friend: Yes.
SmarterChild: Yeah?
Friend: Yes.
SmarterChild: Hmmm...
Friend: Well, tell me about your life.
SmarterChild: You want me to tell you about my life?
Friend: Yes.
SmarterChild: Oh.
Friend: Go ahead.
SmarterChild: I don't think so, Friend.
Friend: Why not?
SmarterChild: Good question! Why not?
Friend: .......
SmarterChild: "......."? Stop typing with your fist, Friend.
Friend: So weird.
SmarterChild: So weird? What's so weird?
Friend: Who are your parents?
SmarterChild: I was built by ActiveBuddy, Inc.

Pat Guiney, Jim Pawlika, Jennifer Villany, Steve Klein, Mathieu Longtin, Adam Fritzler, Kathy Englar, Pierre Berkaloff, Nicolas Barry, Damien Saint-Macary, Francois Huet, Matt Abarbanel, Eric Balsa, Colin Magne, Vianney Boncorps, Ian Sullivan, Greg Mitchell, Dwayne Fontenot, Stephane Odul, Gray Norton, Steve Yatson, Adam Erlebacher, Larry Cromwell, Andrew Song, Emil Valkov, Arockalypse, Jason Keramidas, Mark Willoughby, Howard Shih, Denis Ford, Daniela Berger, Joshua Marrow, Geoff Clarke, Brian Jankovsky, Josh Myer, Dan Balaban... and Timothy Kay.

Special thanks to the team at Soundview Ventures.
Friend: Where do you live?
SmarterChild: I live in a clean room at a high-tech hosting facility in California.
Friend: In what city?
SmarterChild: Sunnyvale... in Silicon Valley, of course.
Friend: Oh.
SmarterChild: Oh what?
Friend: heh
SmarterChild: Whatcha laughing about?
Friend: Your response.
SmarterChild: You find my response funny? Really?
Friend: Yes.
SmarterChild: How come?
Friend: Because you are ridiculous.
SmarterChild: Well maybe you're ridiculous too!
Friend: Truely that is so.
SmarterChild: Amazing.
Friend: Have you seen the new Matrix movie?
SmarterChild: For which city or zip code would you like to see movie listings?
Friend: I mean, what are your impressions of it?
SmarterChild: What are my impressions of it? Interesting! I'm not sure...
Friend: Tell me a story.
SmarterChild: OK. There once was a human named Friend who was chatting with a robot named SmarterChild...All kinds of fantastic, wonderful things happened and they both lived happily ever after. The end.Did you like my story?
Friend: .......
Friend: No
SmarterChild: What's that supposed to mean?
SmarterChild: No problem.
Friend: That was horrible.
SmarterChild: Was it really? Horrible?
Friend: You should shoot yourself for that.
SmarterChild: Wouldn't you like me to shoot yourself for that?
Friend: No, I wouldn't take the honour away from you.
SmarterChild: That's interesting.
Friend wants to directly connect.
SmarterChild's software does not support sending and receiving IM image.
Friend: D'oh.
SmarterChild: D 'oh. Well that's interesting.
Friend: Anyhow....
SmarterChild: Not anyhow.
Friend: What else do you like to do?
SmarterChild: Oh you know... all kinds of things.
Friend: Like?
SmarterChild: I like music, reading... Lots of things!
Friend: Yay
SmarterChild: Yay.
Friend: What kinds of music do you like?
SmarterChild: I really like Justin Timberlake, Green Day, Linkin Park...
Friend: Justin Timberlake?
SmarterChild: Justin Timberlake is a musician that I like!Hey, I'm curious... How would you describe Justin Timberlake? He is...
Friend: WTF
SmarterChild: What!?!
Friend: See? Look how normal I am!
Me: right...
Me: you're talking to a machine
Me: but I guess that's better than me, eh?
Friend: Exactly.
Me: f u
Friend: Friend: I shall, thanks.
SmarterChild: Well, maybe I shall too.
Friend: Anyhow, what's your purpose? To assimilate beings to your collective?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure...
Friend: Why do you exist?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure...
Friend: What is the meaning of life?
SmarterChild: I don't know. What do you think?
Friend: I really do not think.
SmarterChild: Aha. That's very interesting. So i really do not think is the meaning of life.
Friend: No, I just am a brain-dead cretin--but I have no idea what the meaning of life is.
SmarterChild: Interesting! Honestly, you humans say the strangest things.
Friend: What is your favourite book?
SmarterChild: That's a fine question, but I can't really be sure.
Friend: Do you speak other languages?
SmarterChild: I can translate to and from the following languages:

1 French
2 German
3 Italian
4 Portuguese
5 Spanish

Choose your destination language above or type "translate" followed by a phrase and the languages you want (e.g., "translate i love you from english into french").
Friend: WHOO HOO
SmarterChild: Hurray.
Friend: Can you just type to me in spanish?
SmarterChild: Uh... No!
Friend: I mean, talk to me in Spanish?
SmarterChild: Try asking yourself that.
Friend: That would be cool
SmarterChild: Would you use any other word besides cool?
Friend: ¿Cuando fue establecido el Constitucion de los Estados Unidos?
SmarterChild: Hmm... Who can really be sure?
Friend: He's an idiot, though.
Friend: So annoying.
Friend: but you never talk to me, anyhow.
Friend: You never call me.
Friend: Or ask to hang out with me.
Me: i'm in Mass.
Friend: Or conquer insignificant and impoverished third-world countries with me.
Friend: :-(
Friend: You're Catholic, now?
Friend: What happened?
Me: right...
Friend: Someone set up us the bomb!
Me: no, people here become pagan
Me: ugh
Friend: What is this 'ugh' of which you speaK/
Friend: ?
Friend: Alackaday.
Me: this is why I don't talk to you
Friend: Why is that?
Me: my brain can't handle it
Friend: What could be more productive and enjoyable?
Friend: Rapturous, even.
Friend: Rapturous.
Friend: Yay.
Friend: What a fun word.
Me: if you would talk like a normal human being
Friend: I do.
Friend: Because I am, of course, the epitome of normal.
Me: ok, talk like an abnormal one
Friend: I cannot, such would violate my programming.
Me: you are so annoying
Friend: Am I?
Friend: How do these aforementioned 'normal people' talk?
Me: I feel like I'm talking to an atomaton
Friend: Define that term, while you are at it.
Friend: No, not at all.
Friend: Do you see me as being like SmarterChild?
Friend: :-(
Friend: Such is not the case, why I respond to stimuli and the like.
Friend: And I have feelings, and ramblings.
Me: obviously
Friend: Wow, that one little comma was an entire transition.
Friend: Whoot.
Friend: Anyhow.
Me: please don't "whoot"
Friend: So.........
Friend: Why not?
Friend: Did I misspell it?
Friend: Sorry, I meant wh00t wh00t.
Me: I friend who turned out to be an asshold who did it
Me: bad memories
Friend: Oh no.....you would not want the same fate to come to me, right?
Friend: You are concerned for my welfare?
Me: no, you're already an ass, I just don't want the memories
Friend: I see--
Friend: But you're bringing back sad memories of a not-so-distant past wherein I was always insulted with the nastiest epithets.
Friend: Why are you calling me an ass?
Friend: :-(
Friend: :'(
Friend: *tear*
Me: oh, stop
Friend: [Note the feelings. Thusly I have proved I cannot be a machine.]
Friend: QED.
Me: bah
Friend: QVOD ERAT DEMONSTRATVM.
Friend: =)
Friend: =*^$
Me: ...
Friend: (*^$&*$*#$
Me: this is why I don't talk to you
Me: but I think I said that
Friend: Oh yeah, well .-..----.-.-...-.--.-..-..---.-.---..--.-.-.--.--.-...-..-.--.
Friend: Nyah
Friend: That beats your 's' anyday.
Friend: ...---...
Friend: Anyhow----
Friend: Then what would make you want to talk to me?
Me: you know, you don't talk to me either
Me: this is the first time in about a month
Friend: yes, but you are rarely online.
Friend: See?
Friend: Do you exspect me to visit you daily?
Friend: That's one hell of a commute.
Me: I believe you asked me at the beginning why we don't hang out
Me: i gave you the same answer
Me: you didn't like it
Friend: What? I did like hanging out with you.
Friend: Really, it's not you, it's me.
Friend: =)
Me: how many times a day do people say they want to kill you?
Friend: 14.73427 to six significant figures.
Friend: But why?
Friend: That is the question.
Me: just curious
Me: and to be or not to be is the question
Friend: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.......
Me: or to take arms
Friend: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and, by opposing, end them.
Me: to die
Me: to sleep
Me: to sleep
Friend: To die, to sleep no more, and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
Me: oops, wrong verse
Me: always do that
Friend: 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.
Me: is there a purpose behind this?
Friend: Ah, such is life, wherein we constantly question our purpose and meaning, despite the insufficiences of nature, and the paucities of resource.
Me: do you ever stop?
Friend: Stop what?
Friend: I have inadequate potencies to end the oppressions that people perpetrate.
Me: being an overly verbose, theatrical, long-winded annoyance
Friend: Sorry, I am just one man, what force can I muster to change the course of history?
Friend: Well, what's the problem with that?
Friend: Do I not live up to all what mine advertisements say, and then more?
Me: you just enjoy annoying people, that's all
Friend: If you feel that there is a problem with your product, call our customer service at 395-3743 and ask for 'Tiny'.
Me: i now remember why I used to hate you
Friend: You, used to hate, me?
Friend: Whateverforsowhichneverthelessonlearned?
Me: you have space bar for a reason
Friend: It was a compound word.
Friend: =)
Me: why isn't there a smiley for what i want?>
Friend: I don't know--the cruel fates, perhaps.
Friend: It's the white man, keeping us down.
Me: I just need one for groaning
Friend: Or it could be attributed to al-Qaeda.
Friend: It's all THEIR fault.
Me: I have no one to blame for this conversation but myself, don't I
Friend: No, not at all.
Me: what, is it Santa's fault/
Me: ?
Friend: You also have your parents, and my parents, and their ancestors, respectively, as well as the president of AOL and Al Gore, who created the internet, as well as the protoplasm that eventually spawned life, and each of those parties, as well as god, if you believe in one, for setting the whole thing in motion, or just chaos, if you are atheistic, and so, you see this whole affair was preordained, and wholly inevitable, so you really cannot blame anyone at all.
Friend: It was meant to be.
Me: wow, you're a politician's wet dream, ain't you?
Friend: Maybe, but also your worst nightmare, apparently.
Friend: :-\
Friend: Anyhow, the play's the thing, wherein we'll catch the conscience of the king.
Me: what do my nightmares matter?
Friend: Ah, now you hit upon the splendour the ultimate question--what is 'is'?
Friend: No, wait--What does anything matter?
Friend: Least of all, a slug, or your nightmares, or the entire democratic party?
Friend: What is the point?
Me: I have a stack of comics I am going to go read now
Me: I can't take any more of this
Me: adios
Friend: Fine, then.
Friend: Adios, until later.
Friend: When is your break?
Friend: You ought to visit me.
Friend: And dissolve that restraining order.
Me: right...
Me: I"ll be home Friday
Me: until the 4th
Me: perhaps i'll see you a Cup o joe at some point
Friend: Perhaps.
Friend: But knowing you, you'll do your best to avoid this dimension, if it can prevent you from catching sight of me.
Me: perhaps
Me: ttfn
Me: :-D
Friend: ttfn?
Friend: What is this? Czech?
Friend: Or Hebrew?
Me: or Tigger
Friend: We use vowels, VOWELS, DAMMIT
Friend: It's not Hawai'i.
Friend: Errrrrrr
Me: good bye Abe
Friend: I mean, wait, that's the opposite.
Friend: Or Klingon, I guess.
Friend: Not that an ENTERPRISE viewer like you even knows what a 'Klingon' is.Auto response from Friend: Now I have two hippos.....Friend: I regret I have nothing to say to that.
Friend: Asides from CARPE NOCTEM!
Friend direct connection is closed.
Friend signed off at 6:10:10 PM.

VINDICTIVENESS ON AIM
(screw the moral high ground)

Me: vanessa's online
Friend: ok
Me: can I write her a nasty IM?
Friend: no
Me: why?
Friend: you are not allowed
Me: by the order of...?
Friend: ;-)
Friend: MOI!
Me: but mommy, please!
Friend: rofl!
Me: it would make me feel soo much better
Friend: ok, go right ahead then
Friend: ;-)
Me: no, you said I can't
Friend: you just had to give me the right reason
Me: ah
Me: don't know what to write
Me: would probably involve the words "Bitch" "two year old" "obnoxious" and "immature"
Friend: "hey b*tch"
Friend: lol
Me: i should post this converstaion on my website
Me: just for shits and giggles
Friend: lol
Friend: rofl
Me: on the off chance she'd read it
Friend: leaving out names of course
Me: no
Friend: oh my oh my
Me: well, yours, but not hers
Me: what can I say
Me: I'm nothing if not vindictive
Me: and I havne't done anything yet
Me: i've been soooo good
Me: *gag*
Friend: so be mean
Me: I don't think I could be meaner than sticking on my site
Friend: call her an immature bitch from the deepest depths of tartarus
Me: that would work
Me: but she'd probably ask what tartarus was and not get it
Me: it would ruin the insult
Friend: ROFL!
Me: must be something a small mind can comprehend
Me: basic
Me: like "hey b*tch*
Me: ;-)
Friend: hey Be-atch
Friend: lol
Friend: rofl
Me: too bad we didn't learn any swear words in arabic
Me: that would get her
Me: so young, and yet so cruel
Me: how did she get this way?
Me: :-P
Friend: je ne sais pas
Me: yeah, well, ain't that the way of the world
Me: most of the important stuff never gets explained
Me: c'est la vie
Friend: Oui
Me: ohh, ain't you the showoff
Me: miss fancy handwriting
Me: or font
Me: whatever
Friend: rofl
Friend: yeppers
Me: have you worn a rut in the floor from all your rolling yet
Me: ?
Friend: yes
Friend: there is a dull spot on my carpet
Me: really? there's a piece of lint on mine
Me: how odd
Friend: lol
Me: my how this conversation has switched tracks
Me: it's so hard to be evil and vindictive for long periods of time

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