Nostradamus Predicts Jewel's Transformation
Contributed by USA Correspondent - Mr CC (Anonamike)
From the private collection of Vinny Le Lovre
(AP, Nome Alaska) In a cave in a remote area of Alaska scientists have discovered manuscript formally unknown to scholars. It was found under a mammoth skeleton next to a Jelly Donut that was preserved in a block of ice. Carbon dating has placed the manuscript somewhere between the Pleistocene and the Linoleum eras. The donut was dated somewhere around 1998.
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The writings include a signed and numbered lithograph that has been directly linked to the famed writer Nostradamus. It is not yet know how the manuscript ended up in Alaska, since Nostradamus was well know to have had a fear of flying. Dr. Fauwel T Logique, Professor Emeritus of Anthropology at Oxcart University has written a paper for the Australian Journal of Popular Music Paleontology entitled "The Origins of Inuit Folk Yodeling Medicine in the Pre-Alaskan Statehood Period" In his journal article, Dr. Logique presents the theory that Jewel has lived in many eras.
She actually walked and talked with dinosaurs (what the dinosaurs said back is still under study). In fact there is speculation that she may actually have caused their demise. Apparently she preferred riding horses over dinosaurs and through selective breeding caused the horses to overtake the dinosaurs.
How does she maintain her youthful appearance? There is something in an ancient spring found only in caves in Alaska that causes her to never age. She must return to the spring once every 304 years to drink or her music sales decline. It is refreshing to read scholarly magazine articles devoted to popular music studies. The article will be accompanied by some daring photos showing Jewel in an animal skin halter-top and sexy wool lingerie. The Journal is selling quite well off the newsstands following the lead of the now famous Blender Magazine photos.
Here is a sample of the recently discovered ancient writing by Nostradamus:
Atlantis Records sheet music |
And her music shall resound in yodeling
With crooked teeth her voice will cry forth
Upon her wild horses she shall pen poetry for her people.
Her hands shall be her own
They will be small hands, yet nevertheless
They will be her own and not thine own.
The folk people of her land will embrace her until her transformation.
At Velvet Ropes shall they greet and meet.
Touring from the north lands to the isles of the south sea
Her bootlegs shall be shared among the Angels in Everyday
Her web shall be a site where the fans once ruled.
From the 49th State there shall one loftily arise
To declare to be happier than all the fishes of the sea
Before her 30th year her image shall be transfigured
Who will save your soul in 03 04? Dance and rejoice.
Nostradamus - Century XX, Epistle to the Kilcherians.
As you can see, irrefutable proof that Jewel granted an interview to
Nostradamus long before the modern day. Strange, but true. Jewel's only
response thus far to the article was "Ich bin ein Berlinner." Dr. Logique
helped us translate this from the ancient dialect as "I am an Eskimo Pie."
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Look for Part II next month tentatively titled: 'Jewel's Cave Paintings'
Article Contributed by: Mr.CC
USA Correspondent
(Who wishes to remain an omnibus)
Page layout: Coral, Sarah & Amanda
GFX Adobe Photoshop: Coral
Coding: Coral & Justin
Click here for 'A Diva Uncommon' by Mr CC (Anonamike)
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