A Diva Uncommon
Sensitive Poet Reveals All

Hippy Jewel,   Rocker Jewel,   and Now...   Diva Jewel Contributed by International Correspondent Mr CC (who wishes to remain an omnibus)

(Reuters) Jewel today has announced that she has indeed sold out. Critics of Jewel had accused her of selling out in the past, but independent news sources had not been able to confirm it. There was also a transcript of a conversation between Jewel and Atlantic management which revealed some of the shocking details of preliminary 0304 planning that revealed that this pact has been in the making for some time. Based on this and amid all the recent criticism of her actions in the Australian press, it became increasingly difficult to deny. An emotional Jewel stood silent Thursday as a brief prepared statement was read by her new publicist, Bernie Tungwager. "After much thought and careful consideration, I, Jewel have decided to once and for all sell myself out. This has been a difficult decision to make, but I have received the loving support of my family, friends, and loyal fans. I wish to express my heartfelt thanks for all of your advice and support. I could not have done this without the support of you all. I really look forward to the future of my career. It's all the little people that have helped me on my way. Very small little, insignificant people whose support helped me to rise above them. I have many new projects in the works and I am very excited about them. Thank you all again for your help. I look forward to seeing you all as long as you make an appointment." After the statement was read the press was allowed to ask a few questions. One reporter asked Jewel what had prompted the sudden announcement Jewel replied "One word. Barbie. When I went the VH1 Diva Duets show I worked with Beyonce. All I kept thinking was those bumper stickers that say 'Barbie - That Chick's Got Everything.' That's when it hit me. I want what Barbie's got, and if I can't get that then I'll settle for what Beyonce's got. It was life changing is all I can say." When asked if she had metaphorically sold out or had actually signed a pact with the devil she wrinkled her bow and with a curled lip responded "Let's just say I went to the crossroads and made a decision. Beyond that my contact does not allow me to disclose details of the transaction." Fans are hoping this will thrust Jewel to a new high point in her career after the mixed critical success of her most recent album 0304. There has been unconfirmed reports that her next release is tentatively titled 60606, and will include yodel dance remixes. "I really feel that this new contract will allow me the freedom I have been working towards obtaining. I can release whatever I want and I know it will succeed. An artist can't ask for more than that." Jewel also said she hopes that this will enable her to finally feel like the Diva she always knew she could be. "I'm just hoping I can finally get some decent caviar on the backstage buffet. I mean this American stuff was really getting old - and you know how much I enjoy good Beluga." When asked if she intended to make any immediate changes she responded "Who is this guy? Where's my publicist? I was not informed that I would be asked questions. Excuse me. Please make them all go away, I just want to be alone. Where's my Perrier? The bubbles in this water are too big. Someone take care of this. I can't work under these conditions. Can you dim the lights? I feel a headache coming on." Atlantic records and Crossroads Publicity, Inc. did not return our calls prior to publication. Mr. CC ASPCJ Society Member #00001 Roving Reporter Professional Pundit Outright Fabrication Division Page layout: Coral, Sarah & Amanda Image source: Google Coding: Coral, Sarah & Justin

Internationally acclaimed correspondent, Mr CC, is now exclusively contracted to the ASPCJ. Periodically he'll be contributing more articles... thereby dragging this site into further disrepute.

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