Chapter Seven
�I was raised a Mexican Catholic,� he explained to me. �As a whole, we�re pretty�� He struggled for words.
�Homophobic?� I suggested.
�You could say that. It does say in Leviticus, though, that no man shall lay with another man in the same way that he lies with a woman.�
�It also says in the Old Testament that a woman who�s menstruating is considered unclean and should be avoided at all costs. So why aren�t you cowering in fear at my power to bleed out my cooch?� I queried. �The point is that the Old Testament was written over 2000 years ago and was basically a rule book for the times. Now, everything�s changed. The New Testament is much better. That�s what I think.� There was a silence. �Are you still shocked that I just basically told you I�m on my period?�
�Yeah.�
�You guys are crazy.�
�Well, so are girls.�
�I guess we�ll just be mutually crazy, then.�
---
Though I�m sure Boss and Robbie still hung out after this discussion of the Old Testament, I just wasn�t around to see it happening because Boss made a conscious effort to have the loft to himself before summoning me over there. I have a lot of learning to do. What my classmates learned to do as eighth graders in the back row at the movies, I�ve never learned. I still consider it impolite to kiss and tell, but I�m not expressly telling anyone anything, so I�ll just lay it down right now. We haven�t had sex yet�I�m not a whore�but he has taught me a method of making out that seriously makes my legs go jelly every time we do it. And that�s all I�m going to say because that�s all we�ve done.
One Saturday evening, I was just watching TV as usual and my phone rang�as usual.
�What up, gangsta?� I asked in a gangster voice, not realizing how serious this conversation was going to become.
�Robbie�s going to have to die,� Boss told me sternly.
�Why? What�s wrong?� I asked, my heart sinking.
�He hit on me, Eva. It would�ve been permissible if he just said he thought I was hot, but then he said that he wished you weren�t around. Eva, I�m an idiot. I showed him my weapons box and I�m pretty sure he could find the key for it. Now that he�s clearly declared his intentions, it�s time for us to nip him in the bud before he gets a chance to hurt you.� I could hear, through the tones of his voice, that he had my best interests in mind, which made me go all jelly again.
�S-so what�s going to happen?�
�He invited me out to go on that little boat of his. He wouldn�t expect you to come along, so let�s include the element of surprise here. I think that his intention was to get me drunk off my ass and then get the key to my weapons box or fuck me or something. Well, neither of those things are going to happen. We�re just going to kill him.�
�When is this going to happen?� I wasn�t aware that someone could actually kill me�and knows where to get the implements to do so!
�Tonight. I�m coming over to get you.�
�Wait!� I exclaimed. �He wants to kill me?�
�Eva, he sounded really serious about it when he told me that today. He knows I have enough weapons to open a shop with and I�m pretty sure he knows where to find the key. He�s always been a real goal-oriented guy and I wouldn�t put it past him. It just scares the shit out of me to think that he would even try to mess with the person who makes me happier than I�ve ever felt before.� I felt tempted to ask about that person Jade, but didn�t.
�I�m coming,� I declared, switching from pajama bottoms to a pair of jeans that was sitting on my floor, all while using only one hand. I threw open my closet, dug around inside, and retrieved the special purse, all while balancing my phone on my shoulder. I am of the multitasking generation, after all! I heard some sort of muttering, as if he wanted to say something but changed his mind, and then he hung up, so I put my phone in the special purse and slipped into my shoes. Soon enough, there was a very soft knock on my door. My parents still have no idea that Boss exists, so I�ve told him to be quiet and stealthy whenever he comes to get me, even though I usually go to him.
�I said I was going to get more beer,� Boss hastily explained as he came into my room. I could see that he was going to start explaining things really fast because of how wide his eyes were, so I decided to comfort him. I swiftly hugged him and placed a quick little kiss on his panicked lips.
�It�s okay. We�re going to take care of this little problem, right?� I asked, grinning slightly, as I lazily traced the word �Ireland� on Boss� shirt with my finger. �What�s he going to do when he sees me?�
�He�ll probably realize how awkward it�ll be and act overly polite until he gets enough liquor in him. Then who knows what�ll happen?�
How ominous.
I followed Boss back down the beach, holding hands with him the entire time. I like doing that because it�s very equalizing, unlike when the guy has his arm around the girl like she�s his property. Maybe that�s just my feminist side. I know Mom used to be pretty radical back in the 60s and 70s. She didn�t burn bras, but she always wanted Congress to pass the ERA and stuff like that. That never happened�Anyway. I could tell Boss was nervous, so I squeezed his hand a little. I have to admit, I�m nervous, too.
�Huh,� he muttered. �Robbie moved the boat. It wasn�t right there when I got off of it.� I didn�t know what to say, so I just moved a bit closer to Boss and pressed my lips together into a straight line. �Just play it cool, like the Fonz, okay?�
�Eyyy,� I replied.
�That�s my girl.� He changed his tone when he addressed Robbie. �Hey, man, I�m back!�
�Hey,� Robbie said. �Hey, Eva.�
�Hey,� I said apathetically.
�I didn�t know you were coming. We have beer, you know. No worries! I went and got the coordinates for international waters. It�s not that far out from here. Let�s go on out there!� Robbie pointed out towards the Gulf, its waters churning ever so slightly, and leapt back into the captain�s seat of the little boat. Boss followed behind him and then helped me get in, but I was barely sitting down when Robbie gunned the engine and we were off. It only took a little while to reach international waters, I guess, because we just went along for a while and then stopped with a rather large lurch. I suddenly remembered why I don�t like boats. Ugh. Once the boat stopped, I heard the sound of beer cans opening.
�Hey Eva, ever had some of this before?� Robbie asked me.
�No,� I answered sternly. �I�m straight-edge.�
�You�re straight-edge in America, honey. We�re not in any country right now! Come on. Have some.� He handed me one of the cans.
�No thanks, I really don�t want any.� I waved my hands as if to shoo the beer away, but Robbie was persistent. He literally shoved the can in my face and tipped it to my mouth right when I was opening it to say �No� again. A mouthful went right in and I gagged immediately, turning around and spitting that stuff off the side of the boat. It left a sour taste in my mouth. Robbie laughed.
�She�s new to this, isn�t she?� he asked Boss, who nodded sheepishly. �You�ll get used to the taste, sweetie, but only if you keep trying!�
�Don�t you have any water?� I asked, spitting over the side of the boat again to try and get that damn taste out of my mouth. It wasn�t working very well. I heard some rustling around in a cooler, followed by a chuckle.
�Just ice cubes,� Robbie said, holding one out in his palm.
�I�ll take it!� I shouted, whirling around and taking the cube from his hand. Though it was very cold and made my teeth hurt, I stuck it in my mouth and started sucking on it like it was a cough drop. Sometimes, if I got a good bit of water in my mouth, I would swish it around like mouthwash and spit over the side again, making sure to keep the cube in my mouth. Eventually, the cube was gone, but by this time another idea had been planted in Robbie�s mind.
�Let�s play spin the bottle!� he suggested, plucking an empty bottle out from his cooler and placing it on the floor of the boat.
�What the hell!� I exclaimed, having studied�and done well�at probability just a while ago. �There are only three of us. It�s not as much fun if there�s a small group like this because there�s only a 50% chance of getting one person if you spin.�
�Okay then, Einstein, you go first.� I reluctantly spun the bottle, hoping that I would get the 50% chance of getting Boss, and then the bottle stopped in front of Robbie.
�I�m afraid I won�t enjoy this too much,� Robbie cautioned me as he leaned in and kissed me, avoiding lip contact as much as possible. �Gross! Girl cooties. Well, since I suffered through that, I�ll go next!�
�There�s a 50% possibility you�ll get me again!� I said in a warning tone.
�That�s a chance I�m willing to take!� Robbie howled at me as he set the bottle spinning. Now I was hoping for him to get me again just to make him suffer, but the bottle�s neck stopped right on Boss. Shit house! I saw Robbie go in for the kill with a ravenous look on his face and tried my best not to do anything, but there was my special purse and there was the knowledge that Robbie wanted me dead and it all just kind of mashed together�I got Brownie out and pointed it at Robbie.
�I know about you!� I said in a clearly accusatory voice. �Gabe told me everything. He said that you were hitting on him and wished that I were dead so you two could get together.�
�Mm, kitty�s got claws,� Robbie muttered. �So what if I did say that? Your boyfriend�s hot and you�re not. Here, I�ll use some math terms too. I want to subtract you from the equation because you�re not needed in the solution.� At this moment, his smile twisted up like the Grinch�s and he pulled a shotgun from inside a secret pocket or something in the cooler. �Here�s the minus sign, sweetie. Ready to disappear?�
�No!� I barked out, quickly clicking Brownie�s safety off and letting four bullets go. I know I usually only use one or two for a job, but this time, I was being overcautious. My aiming is usually better than it was this time, too. I believe my shots hit his chest. I usually go for the head. However, right as I shot him, he stood up, so he lost his balance from the obvious shock of being shot at and he toppled into the Gulf. With a satisfying splash, he was gone, though I sat tensed up for a few minutes to make sure he didn�t swim back up to the surface.
�He�s gone, isn�t he?� Boss asked me.
�Yeah,� I replied quietly, exhaling deeply. �I�m sorry.�
�It�s okay. You did well. If you hadn�t done it, I would�ve. Thanks for saving me from having to kiss him, too.� Boss chuckled, but I could tell he was hurt.
�You�re hurt, aren�t you?� I suggested.
�A little. We met back in middle school, you see, and we helped each other get through all the confusion and new shit there. He must�ve come out of the closet sometime after I left Dallas because I remember he had a girlfriend when I left.�
�But you still had good times together, right?�
�Oh yeah. I can�t deny that. I�m going to miss that aspect of him, sure, but not the one where he hits on me and wants you dead. There�s no way in hell that I�d let him get away with that.� Boss reached out and touched my face. �You know what I said earlier about how you make me happier than I�ve ever been before?� I nodded silently. �Well, it�s all true. I know we haven�t been together for too long, but there aren�t any rules about this that I can think of.�
My heart seized up. What�s he going to say?
�I think�no, I know that I love you, Eva.� I instantly turned to a pile of goo (or at least that�s how I felt inside) when he said this to me, not only because the moon was glowing in such a lovely way and the water was really quite nice but because Boss had the balls to tell me what he was thinking. I was thinking all of this on the inside, but on the outside I just wore this dopey little half-gasp for a moment. �Are you okay?�
�I�m okay,� I replied. �I�m just a bit shocked.� I chuckled. �I�m glad you haven�t lost patience with me yet.�
�Why would I?�
�Because I�m new to everything. Sometimes, when I have to explain a lot of stuff to people, I get impatient. So, I�m surprised you haven�t lost it when I like, don�t know how to tongue kiss or whatever.�
�I didn�t lose patience because if your romantic skills are anything like your gun skills, I know that if I just stick around and help you, you�ll do great. I noticed you used more bullets today than you usually use. Why�s that?�
�I was scared. I�ve never felt that threatened before, not even when Nate wanted to make sushi out of me. I can�t explain why, either. I guess a gun just looks more threatening than a sword.�
�Yeah, and he was at point-blank range. Even if someone�s at point-blank with a sword, they could still miss or only scrape the top layer of skin if they don�t apply enough pressure. A gun is definitely more threatening and menacing. I�m just so happy that you�re okay. Come on, I�ll take you home.�
�You know how to drive a boat?� I asked, baffled.
�I watched Robbie do it so I�d know what to do when it was time for him to go,� Boss explained proudly as he moved towards the driver�s seat of the little boat. �A good assassin always notices their surroundings.�
�A good assassin probably doesn�t have a romantic relationship with her boss, either,� I pointed out.
�Well, let�s also remember that assassins are above the law,� Boss joked. �Hold on tight.� I�d always wanted to do this, and since Boss didn�t own a motorcycle, I knelt behind him and threw my arms around him from the back so that they rested against his chest. I know I really like him, but I�m not exactly sure about the L word yet. I know it can take people a long time to say it. I hope he understands.
He deposited the little boat back at the dock and soaked it with a hose in order to remove any traces of our fingerprints while I sat on the dock and watched.
�Guess I can just sell that thing, huh?� Boss suggested. �I don�t do boats.�
�You can do whatever you want,� I declared. �I have a question for you, though.�
�Ask away.� The hose snapped off and Boss turned to look at me.
�Is it�is it okay if I don�t, um, echo your sentiments yet?� I felt my face going red. �I just don�t feel ready to say the L word yet.�
�I can tell.� Boss chuckled. �Don�t worry. Nobody�s pushing you to do anything you�re not ready for yet.� He came over to me and offered me his hand, which I accepted. �But I should get you home.� He led me back home like the gentleman he is, but he didn�t just see me off at my door like usual. �You know, Eva, I know that everything you do with me is a first, and I�m all right with that. You know why? Because you�re honestly worth it.�
Nothing else was needed. My fears were assuaged. Now I just needed to go home and sleep. You know those times when you don�t want anything else? Like when you�re really hungry, but someone or something is distracting you from going to get some food. Yeah, I was feeling that. So Boss escorted me home, opened up my side door, and showed me inside. He leaned up against the door for a moment while I switched my purses. Right as I was about to walk to the door and bid him goodnight, I heard creaking on the stairs and my heart froze.
�Shit!� I whispered.
�Evey darling, are you still awake? Did you see Weekend Update?� Mom asked, stopping at the bottom of the stairs and seeing just me standing there, thankfully with the TV on, but not at the right channel. �I guess not. It was really funny. I didn�t know if you were still awake or not.�
�I�m probably going to bed soon,� I replied.
�Okay then. Goodnight!�
�Goodnight.� I watched Mom go all the way back upstairs before I carefully shut my door and whirled around to the side door. �Close one, huh?� I asked Boss, who was hiding right outside. �I didn�t think now would be the time for you to meet the parents.�
�That�s quite alright. Goodnight, Eva. Or should I call you Evey?�
�That was my mom�s childhood nickname for me. I don�t know where the resurgence of it came from,� I explained, my face reddening. �Probably because I�m on the brink of womanhood and all that.� I shrugged.
�Okay, Eva. Goodnight.� With a kiss, he was off, and I went back into my house and changed into pajamas, all the whole while shaking like a San Francisco earthquake and thanking my lucky stars that Boss is quite a clever guy.
---
When I got back to school on Monday, I found the prom flyers going up around the hallways. April 16 was the set date, the Holiday Inn the set place, and �A Night under the Stars� the set theme. That made two big events for the Upper School to be excited about�spring break in the first week of April (also known as next week) and then prom. Many of the people around me are going to either go out of town for Spring Break or go tour colleges. Of course, I�m not doing either thing. I don�t know what I�m going to do for that week because both Rajani and Chris are going to be gone. Rajani is going down to Miami to look at the University of Miami and Chris is jetting off to NYC to look at New York University. But those plans don�t matter to them nearly as much as prom plans do.
�Eva,� Rajani said in her whiny tone while we were eating lunch that Monday. �Come on, at least come to prom for half an hour or something!�
�You can help us fight the power!� Chris pointed out.
�And when do we get to meet that Gabe of yours?� Rajani queried. God, now I know why she wants to be a lawyer. She�s really got the whole questioning thing down pat.
�Shiite!� I shouted. �You�re totally right. I should ask him about that.� I took out my phone and tapped out a quick text message, explaining that Rajani and Chris wanted to meet Boss somehow, some way before next week. Then, I sent it off to Boss. �There, I just asked him about that.�
�Isn�t technology great? It saves us from having to ask tough questions,� Chris said wistfully.
�Not entirely true,� Rajani pointed out, using a carrot dipped in ranch to point at Chris. �What about investigative journalism, you dolt?�
�Oh yeah,� Chris said absentmindedly.
�But for serious, Eva, try to come, please? I will help you to find the best dress ever. I promise.� Rajani wiggled her pinkie finger, which was her odd way of promising things. I let out a heaving sigh.
�Okay.�
Rajani did a little victory dance.
---
I got home that evening after a run to Blockbuster to rent a movie, readily expecting to call Boss sooner or later and ask him if he�d received a text message, when I saw the rest of my family huddled around the kitchen table, peering at mysterious documents.
�Hey guys, what�s up?� I asked casually.
�Orlanicon 2005 is what�s up,� Mike said in an equally casual tone.
�What�s that? A movie?�
�No, you idiot, it�s an anime convention.� Okay. I have a basic grasp of what anime is. I used to watch Pokemon and Sailor Moon back in the day when they were on Cartoon Network. I got into a few other series, too, but soon I realized that an anime habit was expensive and I just got kind of burned out on it all, so I casually exited the anime-loving lifestyle. Mike was just entering it. His favorite show was about some ninja guy or something. I forget the name.
�When is it?� I asked.
�It�s the week of spring break,� Mike answered with obvious excitement. �And we�re going.�
�Eva, your father and I trust you with the house. You are 18 years old now, after all. We�re going to be there from Monday to Friday. Of course, I�ll leave contact information,� Mom explained.
�Wow, that�s one hell of an anime convention if they can get it to last for a whole week,� I pointed out. �Usually they�re only for two or three days.�
�Well, we were also thinking of visiting Universal Studios and some of the Disney parks,� Dad added. �So that�ll stretch it out quite nicely.� Lucky. I haven�t been to those places in a while. But Mike�s just the age to enjoy big coasters and whatnot.
�Cool.� I gave a thumbs-up and retreated to my room, hearing Mike tell Mom something about needing a spiky blond wig so he could dress up as some dude called Naruto. As soon as I got down, I looked at my phone�s outer display and saw the little envelope icon that told me a text message was waiting for me.
�I�d love to meet your friends. When is a good time?� Now I had to track down the Dream Team and ask them each which time was a good time. This merited an instant messaging chat room. I went over to my computer and signed on as user TarantinoRoxMySox, then searched my buddy list to see if RajMahal and KissChris87 were online. Both of them were, so I invited them into the room I created.
TarantinoRoxMySox: What up, gangstas?
RajMahal: Kay, Eva, what�s all this for?
KissChris87: Yo, dawg
TarantinoRoxMySox: I�m far too lazy to try and ask you guys separately, so I�m going to ask both of you now. I got a text message from Gabe.
KissChris87: Oooh, do tell!
RajMahal: Man, Chris, give her some space! :P
KissChris87: Sorry
TarantinoRoxMySox: Well, he said that he�d like to meet you two.
RajMahal: RESULT!
KissChris87: Sweet action!
TarantinoRoxMySox: But here is the question I must ask, dear Dream Team. Whereabouts and whenabouts?
KissChris87: I�m pretty sure whenabouts isn�t a word.
TarantinoRoxMySox: OK, Chris? Deez NUTS!
RajMahal: Well, I�m free after school every day this week.
TarantinoRoxMySox: Rajani, that seems NQR (not quite right). Don�t you work?
RajMahal: I used to.
KissChris87: You quit?
RajMahal: Sort of. Tyler started acting like a complete dick to me after you got fired, Eva, so I told him where to go and got fired too. It was awesome cos I got the last laugh.
TarantinoRoxMySox: All right! That�s awesome. Chris, what�s your schedule look like?
KissChris87: Free as a bird the whole week long.
TarantinoRoxMySox: Hang on. I�ll go call Gabe.
(TarantinoRoxMySox is away.)
I picked up my phone and gave Boss a call.
�Hello?� he asked after just the first ring. Damn, he�s fast.
�Hi,� I said sweetly.
�Oh, hey hon, how was your Monday?�
�Pretty much like any other Monday, but I see you got my text message and I�m just calling to tell you that Rajani and Chris are free for all this week after school. So, what do you think?�
�I think all three of you should come on over here tomorrow at earliest convenience. How�s that sound?�
�That sounds good to me.� I felt a little nervous. �I hope you like them.�
�If they�re anything like you, I don�t think that should be a problem.�
�Well, I�m online talking to them right now and they�re eager for news, so I better go.�
�Okay. I�ll see you tomorrow then.�
�Looking forward to it. Bye!�
�Bye.� He hung up and I shut my phone with my chin in a technique I refer to as Leno-ing (like Jay Leno, you see, with the big chin) before returning to the keyboard.
(TarantinoRoxMySox has returned from away.)
TarantinoRoxMySox: Ground control to Major Rajani and Chris�
RajMahal: I�m here.
KissChris87: I�m here too. Let me tell you, if I were straight I would so go for Uma Thurman.
TarantinoRoxMySox: If I were gay I would so go for Uma Thurman! You copycat.
KissChris87: Maybe we can share her :P
TarantinoRoxMySox: Maybe not. Anynoodles, I just called Gabe and he said how�s about all three of us go over to his house tomorrow.
RajMahal: After school?
TarantinoRoxMySox: I�ll be glad to ferry both of you over in Cobalt.
RajMahal: Awesome.
KissChris87: Agreed. Gas prices are going up, after all.
TarantinoRoxMySox: I�m kinda nervous. I�ve never had the need to do this before. You guys are my dearest friends. What do I do if he doesn�t like you two?
RajMahal: Fuck him.
TarantinoRoxMySox: I�m not ready for that yet!
RajMahal: No, you weirdo, if he doesn�t like us, forget him! We�re always going to be here for you, you know.
KissChris87: Chicks before dicks, you know!
TarantinoRoxMySox: But Chris, you�re a�
KissChris87: I know, I know.
TarantinoRoxMySox: Meet me in the parking lot after school tomorrow?
KissChris87: Only if I can bring a CD. I�ve just downloaded some good stuff.
RajMahal: What is it?
KissChris87: It�s a secret.
TarantinoRoxMySox: Oooh, secrets! I�m shaking with excitement. I�ll see you guys tomorrow.
RajMahal: Bye!
KissChris87: Bye!
(TarantinoRoxMySox has signed off.)
(RajMahal has signed off.)
(KissChris87 has signed off.)
CONTINUE to Chapter Eight
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