Chapter Four
�Hi there, cream puff.� She calls me that because she once sold a house based on its description of being like a cream puff. The buyer really liked glittering phrases like that one, I assume. �You look a little under the weather. What�s up?�
�Just boy troubles,� I replied truthfully. �Where are Dad and Mike?�
�Dad�s working late tonight trying to order everything for the new Starbucks and Mike is spending the night at a friend�s. I�m feeling like Chinese food and making fun of the Home Shopping Network people for a while, so tell me what you�d like from Main Moon.� Main Moon is one of our absolute favorite Chinese places. I�m somewhat surprised that Mom even has to ask what I�d want, because I always get a big serving of vegetable lo mein and a serving of crab rangoon. Always. I rattled off this information to her and she rattled it off to the person on the phone and then we turned the TV to the Home Shopping Network. No matter what�s on, it can always be made fun of, and right now it�s some sort of unfortunate fashion show featuring things in such delightful colors as magenta, bright turquoise and lime. I have no idea who thought these colors were in any way, shape, or form attractive.
I ended up making fun of these people all through dinner, which made me feel better, and then I called it a night, went downstairs, and somehow managed to watch all of Kill Bill volume 2 before falling asleep with little Tommy right by me. It�s going to sound hopelessly stupid for me to say, but I often dream of boys I like. I remember learning about the different theories of dreams and that one of them was basically the brain working to resolve all the unresolved issues of the day. There was also the Freudian theory that everything in a dream represented something sexual, even innocent objects like ovens and trains, but I didn�t really believe that one. Natch, I subscribe to the resolution theory. Because most days don�t go by where I don�t think of boys at least once, these dreams are disturbingly common.
I almost forgot that it was Saturday when I woke up. I did remember, however, that I was scheduled to work. Right now, I�m glad that the Tiki Shack doesn�t require uniforms. The crazy never-seen boss just trusts us to wear our normal clothes. When I�m not required to wear a uniform, I tend to keep the choices of clothing simple and comfortable, which is exactly what I did today.
They say hindsight is 20/20. Well, I have 20/20 to begin with, but I never saw this coming. I got to work�Rajani with me in Bonkura�and saw a drab olive-colored Jeep parked in the lot of the hotel next door. Its license plate �number� was PCBPIMP, so that meant only one thing.
�Tyler!� Rajani and I exclaimed in a manner suggesting shock. If someone were to yell �Hurricane� or �Tsunami�, they would do it in the same way that we said �Tyler�. Tyler is a horrible person, to say the least. He�s white but thinks he�s black, always wears the same pair of cargo pants, and thinks he�s God�s gift to women, though he�s not even that attractive.
�Son of a bitch, this is a great start to my day,� I said as I got out of the car and walked to the Tiki Shack like I was walking to my own grave. Sure enough, Tyler was there, fiddling around with a candy bar that he probably didn�t buy. He�s always stealing the inventory whenever he gets hungry. See, it�s okay for us to do that, but only if we record what we took and pay back whatever it costs. He never records, never pays back. He�s lousy scum.
�Hey, ladies,� Tyler said to us as we got in and signed in. Tyler has an obnoxious bowl cut that kind of sticks up on one side, activating my maternal instinct to want to wet my hand and mash it down against his head. He�s always wearing Abercrombie, American Eagle, or Aeropostale. Those are literally the only three brands he buys. He also wears beat-up Birkenstock sandals that have seen better days. To make matters worse, he marinades himself in that nasty Axe body spray that smells like aerosol ass. That stuff forms a noxious cloud that follows him everywhere and messes up the ozone layer for the rest of us.
We grunted back at him, not even dignifying him with a verbal reply, and sat down on the stools to watch the surf. Saturdays are busy days�they�re also the only ones that Tyler works�so we�re doing quite a lot up there. �We� being Rajani and me, of course, because Tyler is a slacker to the tenth degree.
�So, have you talked to that hunka hunka burnin� love lately?� Rajani asked, making me almost fall out of my stool laughing. Her British-Indian accent caused an innocent Elvis Presley song lyric to appear ten times funnier.
�Yeah, just on the phone.�
�What do you chat about?�
�We shoot the breeze.�
�Has he asked you out again?�
�Hah! Someone�s asking Eva out? That�s a shocker,� Tyler grumbled under his breath, thinking I couldn�t hear him. �Tell me, is he a monkey like you too?� I could feel the blood boiling in my face. I had been �working� with him for a little over a year now, taking this shit all this time, but this was the last straw. I leapt up out of that stool, knocking it back, and pounced on him, pinning him up against the wall by his turned-up collar that made him look even stupider.
�Listen here, you jackass,� I began through gritted teeth, which is basically like a rattlesnake�s rattle. �I have taken these little snide comments from you for a little over a year now. I�m sick of them! You think you�re so cool with your little preppy clothes and Jeep car. PCBPIMP? Nobody thinks you�re a pimp! You know what you are? You are snide, lousy, lazy, ugly, smelly, hairy, crude, rude, lewd, a jackass, a lousy excuse for a human, and a waste of sperm!� To further accentuate my point, while I let go of his collar, I shoved him with a good degree of force against the wall.
Of course, my crazy never-seen boss chose that moment to walk in the door. He took one look at the situation�me calling another employee names and physically harming him�and fired me right on the spot.
Fuck.
I was told to leave immediately or the police would escort me off the property, so I shot a look of profound apology at Rajani, who would now need to find another ride home, and showed myself the door. Then, I sat in Bonkura for a moment, not going anywhere, and had a good long cry. Why was it that a person could verbally abuse another person for over 365 days without any retribution, but as soon as that other person fights back, she gets fired?
After I was mostly finished crying�past the point of most of the tears, but still doing that little gasp intermittently�I picked up my phone and called Boss. He answered right away.
�Hello?�
�Hi Boss, how are you doing today?� I decided to start with the sweet talk and work my way up to �I just lost my primary source of income, what�s next�.
�You woke me up.�
�Damn, you sleep late.�
�Maybe you just wake up too early.� Yeah, we are just shooting the breeze. However, I�m tired of shooting the breeze.
�I won�t have to do that anymore if it�s not a school day.�
�Why�s that?�
�I just got fired from the shack.�
�Fired? Why would you get fired? You�re too nice.� Is he just trying to flatter me?
�I kinda got physical with this jackass co-worker who had been bothering me for a whole year now.� I really need to re-paint my nails!
�What�d you do? Please tell me you didn�t flash your gun. Florida has pretty strict laws against that if you�re not licensed��
�No, no, I didn�t flash anything. I just pinned him to the wall and shoved him kinda hard. It would have been okay on any other day, but our crazy boss decided to show up right then. He didn�t know the backstory, so he fired me. He had the nerve to tell me that the police would escort me off the shack�s property if I didn�t go peacefully!�
�Well, you can get pretty fierce when you�re angry.�
�True, true, but I thought the threat of police involvement was a little frivolous. So, anyway, I�ve lost my only source of income��
�Only? I never mentioned that you would be paid for this job? Perhaps you forgot about it because it was buried beneath the excitement about getting your own gun.� Perhaps. �I�ll pay you much better than that shack job. How much were you making per hour while you worked there?� I dug up my most recent check�not even cashed yet�and looked under the column that read Hourly Wage.
�$6.00 even,� I replied.
�That�s a shit wage. Now that I know how you toiled under a crazy never-seen boss, I�ll make sure to pay you much better. I�ll pay by the job, though. How does that sound?�
�At this point, anything is better than what I�m getting right now!� I don�t even know if I�m going to receive my last paycheck. Should I try to get it when it�s such a small amount of money? The crazy boss may still call the police on me if I try. Maybe I will get Rajani to get the check for me.
�How do you feel about�$1,000 for the first job we just did?�
I grabbed the dashboard to steady myself. This was an unprecedented offer, and of course I would accept it!
�Oh, that�s wonderful!� I cried into the phone.
�I can�t get it to you until Monday, though, because the banks have already closed for the weekend. Can you wait until Monday for your sweet first paycheck, confidence woman?� In all honesty, I could wait forever, but I would prefer not to.
As it was, though, I was now officially fired from my real job. I wasn�t about to tell my parents that, though, because using the shack as an excuse for when I go out to do my confidence woman work is working out very well. So, technically when I went to the theater and then out for some ice cream that day, I was �working�.
Rajani called me later on that evening while I was watching a nonstop marathon of America�s Next Top Model. Today really seems like my day!
�Are you okay?� was the first thing she asked me.
�You know what, Rajani?� I asked into the phone. �I�m okay now.�
Of course, it was even better when I got that paycheck after school on Monday, but still. I spent the rest of the week floating on a cloud of happiness. I think I wasn�t really liking my Tiki Shack job as much as I thought, because I didn�t feel that dreadful obligation, that �Oh, I have to go to work� feeling that kept me feeling under the weather. I felt able to talk to Boss like a friend, too, which also felt good. In short, I was just feeling GOOD.
---
I was knee-deep in Algebra 3 homework, cursing my teacher for assigning so much on a seemingly normal Friday night, when my phone rang. Of course, my phone is more important than homework, so I dashed to answer it before it could go to voicemail. When I saw that Boss was calling, I flipped open my phone with quite a bit of force. Is it bad that I really get excited about talking to him?
�Hello?� I asked in a goofy voice, trying to make him laugh, which he did.
�Hi, Schoolgirl. Are you busy?�
�No.� Math can wait.
�Great. I�ve got a job and I don�t want to go alone because this bitch is crazy. Can you come over?� Can I? I�m almost out the door now!
�Sure. I�ll be right there.�
�Okay. See you soon.� We said bye in unison, so I drew up my fake going to work excuse, stuck it on my door, and left from my side door, special purse in hand. Of course, I was over to Orangeville in record time�without speeding too much. I know my limits.
Soon enough, I was getting briefed about the job.
�Her name�s Jenny. She lives over in Laguna Beach. Yeah, we were an item for a while. Then she saw you leave here one time and assumed I was cheating on her. To add insult to injury, she stole a family heirloom of mine.�
�What did she steal?�
�An old Confederate army sword. I think it was my great-great-great grandfather�s. That sword is worth so much. I was stupid to leave it here, but I thought it was a wonderful-looking thing. Now it�s gone, and Jenny is to blame.� Boss looked so awash with emotion that I just wanted to hug him.
�That�s just cold,� I said instead. �But I�m going with you. Won�t that make her angrier?�
�That is exactly the point, Eva.� It was surprising to hear him call me by name because he usually uses a nickname. This is serious. That bitch hurt Boss and now I am going to hurt her back.
---
It was getting dark when we got to Laguna Beach and into Jenny�s apartment complex. I felt both white-hot anger and a nervousness that made the little girl in me want my mommy. The ride to Laguna Beach was pretty much totally silent, too, which just aggravated the nervousness. Boss parked near the building that he said Jenny lived in and I obediently followed him to her door.
�I have a key,� Boss told me in a husky whisper as I heard a tinny jangling noise. �Be as quiet as possible.� He opened the door very carefully and slowly, trying not to make a sound, but it made a slight creaking noise as we entered. You know how, in Mouse Trap, one little motion sets off a chain reaction?
Yeah, this was like that.
I saw Jenny first and she looked like a vision of beauty, a modern day Aphrodite perhaps. She was tall, busty, blonde, and tan, four things I am definitely not. I�m sure that her face was usually pretty, but right now it was marred by a deep frown and snarling mouth. She roared out �YOU!� (meaning me), saw me standing there with a wide open mouth, and drew a small gun from the pocket of her dress slacks. I panicked, each hair on my body standing on end, and my heart was beating like a sledgehammer when she fired. I turned my head, thinking that would help somehow, and felt Boss� weight suddenly press against me. Oh my God!
He�s not hurt fatally, but his left shoulder is bleeding something awful. Naturally, a shocking thing like a gunshot causes a person to fall backwards�but wait! I thought he was standing next to me, not in front of me. The trajectory that he fell at (oh, physics class, how I loved thee) is impossible to have if he was standing next to me. Wait a minute. Was he protecting me?
I can�t let Jenny live now that she�s hurt Boss.
�Are you okay?� I asked, shocked.
�Hurts like a motherfucker,� Boss replied honestly, not one to mince words. Oh, did I mention that, when he fell, my arms instinctively went out to catch him? So, now he�s in a strange lopsided embrace�with me. Oh Lord, help me!
�Oh, my angel, have I hurt you?� She calls him angel? How cheesy! Jenny is now rushing over to Boss� side, apparently having a change of heart. She still has her gun drawn, though. Now I have a chance to get Brownie out, which I take.
�Take one step closer and I�ll shoot,� I growled.
�Eva, be careful,� Boss whispered.
�Your name is Eva, huh? Jenny Huffington.� Jenny snarled at me.
�Look, you got it all confused. I�m not his girlfriend,� I said hastily. �I�m just a friend who happens to be a girl!� This is the truth, but Jenny doesn�t seem like she believes me.
�Jenny, Eva is my new prot�g�,� Boss explained.
�How lovely for you! Did you go pick her up from the preschool then?� She�s about as sweet as poisoned honey!
�I�m a senior in high school, thanks,� I replied.
�Honey, I�m 28 years old. Assuming you�re 18, there are ten years between us. Why don�t you stop ruining good relationships and go back to making out with vapid high school boys at the mall movie theater? The only way a boy would make out with you would have to be in darkness, you ugly bitch!�
In that moment, something activated in me and I shot Jenny. I shot her once, right in her hate-spewing mouth, and watched her fall back and start bleeding all over her nice hardwood floor. Her final words struck me, though, so much that I started to cry. She was just so hateful and insensitive that what she said affected me deeply. Boss� hand, a bit paler than usual, reached up and touched my face, sending shivers down my spine. When he cleared the tears off, I saw that sword, in a lovely wooden box, in plain sight, so I rushed over and picked it up.
�Look, Boss, I got your sword back,� I reported.
�That�s great, Eva. Now let�s get out of here. Drive me back to Panama City and get me to the hospital.� I was happy to comply, turning myself into a human crutch until Boss was safe in the backseat of his Honda. I drove like a maniac and delivered him safely to the ER.
I�ve never been to the hospital except for during my own birth, so this is all new to me. The waiting room at the ER is full of people who don�t look like they�re having any sort of emergency. A cheerful nurse helps out anyone who enters. They took Boss off to surgery as soon as that helpful woman saw him. However, even she knows who to give first priority to.
I tried to settle down, glancing at a Seventeen magazine, but I didn�t feel so good, so I headed for the ladies� room. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I hated what I saw. I wiped a smear of blood from my face, but my shirt, which was also stained, would need to be washed. Above all, though, I began to wonder: Who am I to Boss? He told Jenny that I was his prot�g�. As I started crying again�I feel so emotionally unbalanced right now�I felt an overwhelming desire to be something else to him. I want to show him that not all women are like Jenny.
I returned to the waiting room and waited for a while before someone who probably operated on Boss walked in and fetched me.
�We usually don�t let people do this, but before he went under, Gabe said he wanted to see you,� the doctor, a fairly young man dressed in scrubs, with a weary smile on his face, told me. Wait, who�s Gabe? I didn�t correct his error�if it is an error�of course, I don�t know if that is Boss� real name or not. I followed this young guy down to room 304. �We�re going to keep him overnight to let him recuperate and we�ll let him go tomorrow.� The doctor opened the door, showed me in, shut the door behind me, and left.
Boss was asleep, probably still coming down off his anesthesia, and he just looked so sweet and innocent there. He was shirtless (oh man, what a sight!) with a thick white bandage on the affected area of his left arm. I felt exhausted because of the night�s events, so I turned on the TV and tuned it to CNN. I sat down in the provided chair and tried to relax, but it was just so uncomfortable that it was a Sisyphusian feat.
---
I don�t know how I ended up this way, but I must have shut my eyes for a moment, because Boss was waking me up. As I opened my eyes, I noticed that my perspective looked weird and my neck ached kind of badly.
�Wake up, Schoolgirl, I ain�t your pillow,� Boss said softly. I sat up and realized that, indeed, I had fallen asleep using him as my pillow.
�Sorry. I�m just tired,� I explained, but I felt my face get hot from embarrassment. �I couldn�t take a nap in these chairs, either.�
�Your shirt�s stained. Drive my car back to Orangeville and take my jacket out of the car. Wash your shirt as soon as possible.� Even when he�s hurt, he�s still helping me out.
�How�s your arm?� I asked, getting to the meat and potatoes.
�So numb I can barely feel it. They got the bullet out okay, but I lost a good bit of blood, so they�re going to give me a transfusion later on. They�re also gonna give me some pain pills that�ll probably fuck me up real bad, so you should come pick me up tomorrow? I�ll call you, OK?�
I nodded.
�I can tell you�re worried about me. Well, you shouldn�t be. I�m in good hands here. Hell, I know one of the guys who operated on me. �Sides, I know a bit more about medicine than you probably think, Schoolgirl. I�ll call you tomorrow. Go home and get some rest, OK?�
Now feeling choked up again, I quietly said goodnight and left the room, noting the room number for tomorrow. I walked down the hall, silently, feeling like I wasn�t really on this Earth. You know how that feels? You�re so affected by something inside that everything outside just ceases to matter. I may have bumped into something, but I sure didn�t notice. I got back out to the parking lot and got back into the car that isn�t really mine.
Once I was back in the car, I successfully located the jacket that I needed. It was a plain black hooded jacket that obviously doesn�t get a lot of wear, considering where we live. I put the jacket on and shook my hair out of its hood. Immediately, I felt comforted. It felt like a favorite blanket that I use whenever I feel sick or just feel bad. Then, of course, there was the smell. I can�t quite describe it, but it was Boss through and through. I�m not sure I want to give this back.
I drove back to Orangeville, parked Boss� car, and reluctantly got back into Bonkura for the ride home. I threw my shirt into the wash, after pretreating the shit out of the stained areas, and got into bed wearing a pair of pajama pants and Boss� hoodie.
CONTINUE to Chapter Five
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