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Not-so-Deep Thoughts from Chris Smith
In the time of the dinosaurs, the velociraptor roamed the earth searching for eggs and young hatchlings that had been left unguarded by some unsuspecting parent. Tyrannosaurus easterus, the ancestor of small pink bunnies, was particularly careless with his children. He would leave unhatched eggs hidden in rocky crags or under overhangings, hoping that a few would survive the raptors' great hunt. Evolutionary pressures caused the eggs to be colored with swirling browns, greens, reds, and yellows as a sort of natural camoflauge. Millions of years later, tyrannosaurus easterus evolved into easterus bunnyus, and the velociraptor found himself replaced by homo sapiens. Early man enjoyed the thrill of the hunt and drove easterus bunnyus to extinction. Today, homo sapiens commemorates his ancient ways in an annual egg hunting festival.
In early Englifh, "s" foundf were reprefented by the letter "f". Needleff to fay, "suck" would be a very naughty word in early englifh.
nmmhh nmmh nmmhhh! Shesh shusht sha shavor shof nah eeeee. nah nmmh nuh nm na na na! -Joe singing "flavor of the week" while brushing his teeth
It must have been a man who invented the thong. He was like, "Hey, let's make really skimpy underwear for women! And then we can tell them it's actually more modest to wear it, because they can conceal it better!" Yes, because concealing the fact that you're wearing underwear will prevent men from thinking dirty thoughts. It's much more modest if they think you're wearing none at all.
Some days, I wake up with those pillow wrinkles on the side of my face. Then I roll over for a few minutes so the other side will match. It never works. Because what I don't realize is that those aren't pillow wrinkles at all. They're the residual scars left behind by a long and rigorous surgical operation that the aliens perform on my face every night when they abduct me. One morning I'm going to wake up and think, "I want to eat a carrot." And then it's all over, because that's just not normal. Then I know they're controlling my brain. Hopefully I can kill myself before they make me kill the president.
One day I was walking through a garden when a snake slithered by my feet. "Eat a cookie," he said. And I was like, "Okay," and I ate a cookie and I shrunk, then the white rabbit was like, "how dare you eat my cookie!" and the earth opened up beneath me and I found myself falling down down down into the black void of space and I ended up facing the death star, which vaporized me in a flash of light.
My father was murdered by a six-fingered man... I'm not sure what happened to the other four.
You know what Satan really got cast out of heaven for? Inventing the video game. A third of the angels got addicted to Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and God saw that it was completely mindless. And God cast Satan out of heaven and put a jedi with a flaming lightsaber at the entrance to guard it...
