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| Episode Nine |
| Stupid Battling...Again! |
| On the last episode, the new team of six paid a visit to the Village of Blades, which had destroyed the Village of the Skies. There, they met Axems Aardvark and Hasaki, along with Jr. Koopa Knight (All of which were insane in their own ways). After an accidental massacre on all the villagers, Titanium, Minjo, and Sapphire appeared out of nowhere and joined in for a 6-on-6 fight! The reason for this battle: Uh� -------------------------------------------------- Our camera focuses on Jamey�s New Mountain Lair of Evilness, with Jamey looking into his Seeing Stone that Doesn�t Exist Yet. He peers on the battle, which hasn�t started�after an hour of staring at each other. JAMEY: Why won�t they just beat each other?! It�s more fun that way! MERCENARY: (Through an audible port of the Seeing Stone�Don�t ask about that) I think staring for another six hours should build a proper amount of tension, and in addition make it nighttime. JAMEY: GRRR!!! He walks around his room and picks up a Magic 8-Ball. You know, the kind that when you shake them up, they answer your questions. JAMEY: Perfect! Who will win this fight? He shakes it up and reads the message: ASK AGAIN LATER JAMEY: What, like you have anything else to do?! Fine, let�s try again�Now! He shakes it up and asks the same thing. This time it says� DON�T COUNT ON IT JAMEY: �OK, last chance! THE GOOD SIDE JAMEY: Oooh�But at this point, we can�t really tell who�s good or not. -------------------------------------------------- Back at the battlegrounds� WINDBREAKER: How about we not start soon? AARDVARK: Works with me! HASAKI: GREAT! An awkward silence begins. EVERYONE: � But it stops, thankfully. STRIFE: Can we kill each other yet? KNIGHT: Fine, but we must do this right. We will split our one-on-one battles a healthy distance apart from each other to make sure any dodged attacks from other fights don�t intrude. Otherwise, there�d be a few plot holes. LORD OF SOP: Good. What else� KNIGHT: And�How about we restrict healing magic to no usages?? TYPHOON: Works with us, seeing as we don�t have any of that. PEACE: I think you�re forgetting about the only sane character in this story. ME! KNIGHT: All right, IT�S TIME TO DIE! EVERYONE: Woohoo! They randomly select fights from a hat that comes from Aardvark�s Axem Pockets that Don�t Exist; Strife vs. Sapphire, Windbreaker vs. Knight, Peace vs. Titanium, Image vs. Aardvark, Mercenary vs. Minjo, and Typhoon vs. Hasaki. LORD OF SOP: Of course, wars wouldn�t be this orderly in real life, kids; especially with that one-on-one crud. So then more stuff happens until� AXEM STRIFE: 500/500 JK SAPPHIRE: 260/260 SAPPHIRE: Finally, a battle WITHOUT Titanium! Time to KILL! BWAHAHA! STRIFE: Question! Is that the trait of all evil people? SAPPHIRE: Yes. Strife fires a bolt of energy at Sapphire. This hits directly, but no damage is dealt. SAPPHIRE: It�s funny how you never learn. You did that SEVERAL times against Minjo. STRIFE: Hehe, yeah� He keeps trying to cause damage with his Quick Shots, but still nothing happens. SAPPHIRE: � LORD OF SOP: Time to cut a few corners! :) -------------------------------------------------- In another battle� AXEM WINDBREAKER: 500/500 JK KNIGHT: 600/600 KNIGHT: I say we have an awesome fight, but have many conversations that are redundant. WINDBREAKER: Like this one? KNIGHT: Exactly. Windbreaker slashes at Knight with his axe, exerting a green blade of wind. KNIGHT: That doesn�t make sense. WINDBREAKER: Yeah! Knight rolls to the side to avoid it and swings his sword like Windbreaker did with his axe, exerting a similar blade of wind. WINDBREAKER: Hey! You�re awesome too, ya know! KNIGHT: Nothing special with me; just a noble and honorable knight. LORD OF SOP: I thought I told you to stop saying that. KNIGHT: Oh yeah� Windbreaker creates a tornado in front of him to swallow up the attack. WINDBREAKER: Notice that no damage has been done! LORD OF SOP: And I don�t plan to keep it that way�Next fight! -------------------------------------------------- Like the Lord of SoP said� AXEM PEACE: 180/300 AXEM TITANIUM: 270/300 NOTE: Yes, they were battling :) TITANIUM: You, little girl, are powerless without your lackeys! Unlike me, of course! MWAHAHA! LORD OF SOP: Hey, you haven�t been confirmed evil or not yet! TITANIUM: Oh, sorry. PEACE: (Thinking) This is stupid! His Defense is too strong, and his Magic Defense is especially cheap! I mean, just look at this! She throws a Light Sphere at Titanium. Titanium ABSORBS the attack, restoring his HP to full. AXEM PEACE: 180/300 AXEM TITANIUM: 300/300 TITANIUM: Yes, I am cheap enough to absorb ALL Magic attacks! Isn�t that stupid? PEACE: Yes, I thought about that before� NOTE: If you don�t get it, look six lines up. Peace opens up her wings and charges in at Titanium. Titanium points the palm of his hand at Peace and a portal appears out of nowhere. PEACE: Oh� The portal begins to draw in Axem Peace. PEACE: Make that an, �Oh no�� She fights hard against the pull, but it�s just TOO CHEAP. Peace loses the rest of her HP. AXEM PEACE: 0/300 AXEM TITANIUM: 300/300 TITANIUM: Oh yeah! Booya! :) -------------------------------------------------- Refocusing YET AGAIN� AXEM IMAGE: 180/400 AXEM AARDVARK: 321/601 IMAGE: I�m losing! I shouldn�t be losing! I should be winning! AARDVARK: But that�s not my case! I�m winning! And I should be winning! So all�s right with the world! Image throws a blue energy sphere at Aardvark. Aardvark burrows underground to avoid it and pops up behind Image for an axe slash. Image jumps out of the way and comes down to try and slash Aardvark. Aardvark ducks his head in and sticks it out of another hole on the playing field. IMAGE: I�KILL YOU!!! Image tries slashing Aardvark again, but Aardvark just ducks his head in and out of different holes. LORD OF SOP: Yeah, I love writing these kinds of arcade games�Until they get rigged, like so� At one point, Aardvark doesn�t stick his head out at all. IMAGE: Oh come on, that�s not fair� AARDVARK: Your face is not fair! :) Aardvark pops out again and throws a glop of mud at Image�s face. Image loses 20 HP. AXEM IMAGE: 160/400 AXEM AARDVARK: 321/601 IMAGE: AAAH! MY SKIN! AARDVARK: Hah! Your face looks better when I can see something other than your oldness. IMAGE: OLDNESS?! LORD OF TOH: Hello, I am here to intervene to remind us all that I made Image hate being called old for some reason. It happened in ToH, so yeah. [Shrugs] LORD OF SOP: Thanks! And I�d like to announce that when that arcade game gets you mad, this is what happens! Image creates the illusion of a gigantic cattle prod, which floats toward Aardvark. AARDVARK: Uh oh. The cattle prod is slammed against Aardvark�s skin, sending surges of electricity throughout his body until he�s KO�d. AXEM IMAGE: 160/400 AXEM AARDVARK: 0/601 LORD OF SOP: So in conclusion, to win Whack-A-Mole, hurt the operator and steal the prizes :) Image wipes the mud off her face. IMAGE: To think, I did that all blindly! LORD OF SOP: And for personal reasons, I don�t want to write the battles between Mercenary and Minjo OR Typhoon against Hasaki :) -------------------------------------------------- About an hour later� Though the one-on-ones have been decided, laziness of the writer has made the scoreboard look something like this: AXEM IMAGE: 40/400 AXEM LIQUID TITANIUM: 100/100 JK KNIGHT: 210/600 AXEM AARDVARK: 10/601 JK MINJO: 420/600 AARDVARK: I�m pretty sure I was KO�d. LORD OF SOP: Plot holes, plot holes� KNIGHT: And I�M pretty sure we tried to avoid those from the start! IMAGE: Hey, how did I get outnumbered? LIQUID TITANIUM: Yes, please tell us! The Lord of SoP makes a clever and (somehow) stupid way to end this fight. He implants the idea in Image�s mind. IMAGE: I�ve got it! She creates an illusion of�Saddam Hussein. SADDAM: Hiya, boys! AARDVARK: Whoa! It�s Salami Insane! SADDAM: What?! That does it! He takes out his WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. They explode, KO�ing everyone�Except Image. AXEM IMAGE: 40/400 AXEM LIQUID TITANIUM: 0/100 JK KNIGHT: 0/600 AXEM AARDVARK: 0/601 JK MINJO: 0/600 LORD OF SOP: I never said it was a good idea though; just clever and stupid :) IMAGE: I think this should make me one of the �Favorites� now! END OF EPISODE NINE |